Every day
Every second
Every moment
That I am existing
Thoughts of you flash behind my eyelids

Sitting on the bench
When I first started to fall in love with you
I can not comprehend
How someone like me
got so lucky as to be with someone like you

You don't know how much I need you

And I read your poems
Some would say they could be the truest version of oneself
So I read every single one
Over and over
And I cry

Because you are too kind
too beautiful
too perfect
to feel the way you do

You deserve to be surrounded by people that care about you
more than they care for themselves
because you care for all of them
and they know that

You deserve a life without tears
without sorrow
without fear

but I know that fairy tales
and dreams
rarely have an inkling of truth behind them

So I will be there
I will surround you
Care for you
Love you

But even so, I am not perfect
And my sorrow might creep over to you
and because of this
I might try to push you away
to protect you

but you will never leave the back of my mind
And every night
when I close my eyes
I'll be thinking of you

You don't know how much I need you

Isn't it insane
that mental
and physical
are so intertwined
through pain?

Slice your wrists
when you're numb
you won't feel a thing
If you are truly numb
a cut with a blade
is painless

then slowly
as the euphoria subsides
a dull throbbing begins
it's quiet at first
if you listen too hard
it's not there at all

then as the night goes on
and the high is gone
you feel everything
each slice
each word
and at that moment
all you want
is for the numb to return

Eventually
the wounds begin to heal
they don't hurt like they used to
And you are renewed
a blank canvas
null of emotion
and  you pick up the blade again
for all that you want now is the pain to return
to paint your paper red
and to feel everything
once more;

A sad story
Is drawn upon my wrist
Because
I don't want to exist

My thoughts are toxic
I've given up talking
Because no one listens
and no one is watching

as my mind destroys
what's in my heart
And all this poise
was a lie from the start

I want to die
And yet I'm stuck in my mind
Please let me resign
from this excuse for a life.

don't worry I'm fine
But I lie all the time
but I'm fine
trust me this time
I'm in control

100
that's enough
that's all you get
don't be a *****
You're fat

you're a pig
5 bites for breakfast
Nothing for lunch
3 bites of dinner
then go for a run
ha you thought you were done?

We're only getting started
crunches
sit ups
leg lifts
wall sits
you're a ****** up human
look at all this lose skin

those fat thighs
and these white lies
of saying that you're fine
when all of your thoughts
are consumed by this routine
gotta eat clean
only protein

got a b+?
well guess what?
You'll cut yourself
with that blade on the shelf

but the pounds are dropping
what did I say?
but all this jogging
and constant fasting
is not gonna last you
you've gotta eat less
and run more
listen to me
stupid *****
you wanna be pretty?
lucky for you
I don't feel pity

You must be empty
I've told you this
Yet you still insist
On eating this
stupid ****
you don't need that

stop lying
You're not hungry
can you ever be trusted
this isn't funny

Empty
You must stay empty

They all say to drown your demons,
But the ******* learned to swim,
And pushed me under instead.

6th grade... we were friends
7th... we were best friends
I remember the day
We decided
How our lives were going to continue
together
inseparable
classmates thought we were twins
8th grade... we grew closer
I told you I needed you
I cried in front of you
I revealed my biggest secret
to you
and with your help
I came out
but then
you found others
and our circle grew
It was okay
for a while
but as you became extroverted
and popular
and liked
I became an outcast
I didn't realize it at the time
But it was so obvious
At the end of that year
I started to see
How you thought I was clingy
Messed up
A burden
You were my only friend
And you hated me
But you were too nice to let me know
The last day of school came
we promised we'd get together
but days came and passed
I never saw you
you never texted
9th grade has come
you don't even look at me like a friend
I had a panic attack today
in front of you
not intentionally
but I would have hoped you could have helped
and you just watched
as I burned from within
I knew for some time
but now its all to obvious
You never liked me
You never will
But really
you were all I had

when you find the place
that the moon
is outshone
by the brightness
of the stars
each one
a separate lost soul
waiting to find
it's place
take solace in knowing
you are not alone
nor are you lost
for you are with me
and I will always find you