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Sep 3 · 138
Fear
Aaryn Sep 3
I’m scared of getting better
I’m scared of leaving
I’m scared of losing
Losing what I thought was right

If I’m not ****** up
What am I

I am not myself anymore
I am so much my illness
That I am not me

This illness eats at me
Eats for me
Until I am gone
And it’s all that’s left

I don’t want you to see that
I don’t want that
I want to leave

Don’t watch me die

Instead
Leave me alone
Let my skin scream
Until both me
And my illness
Are gone

Until that day
Stay away
I can’t let you know
That I love you
Because I’m leaving
And I can’t leave you

So please
Just look away
And leave me to it
I don’t want recovery
Not because I don’t want happiness
I just don’t want to be left behind
Because me is more my illness
Sep 2 · 200
You
Aaryn Sep 2
You
Perhaps it's due to the early hour,
Or the hole in my chest,
Or the endless darkness encasing my tomb,
But I can stop thinking of you.

I became absent.
In everything.
With everyone.
I didn't want to realize,
How alone I truly am.
Because **** it.

I don't need anything.
I don't need food.
I don't need a relationship.
I don't need my family.
I don't need friends.
I don't need you.

I
Don't
Need
You.

I don't need you.

I don't
Need
You.

I
Don't Need
You.

I don't need
You.


Because if I say it,
In just the right way,
With the right rhythm,
I will believe it.

I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you.. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you.. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you.. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you.. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you.

Well...
Maybe I convinced you at least?
I really wish I could believe what I say
Jul 26 · 473
Where am I without pain
Aaryn Jul 26
It’s sick
But all I can think about
Is the pain

I think it’s an art
One that I have perfected
The ability
To ignore everything
But the pain

I don’t think
I could make room
for anything else

Because if I’m not cutting
I’m burning
If I’m not burning
I’m starving
If I’m not starving
I’m purging
If I’m not purging
I’m binging
If I’m not binging
I’m probably dead

And thus
All I can fit
In my brain
Are these thoughts
These morbid
Thoughts
Of pain
.9978324.
Jul 26 · 434
Answers
Aaryn Jul 26
I’m scared to be hurt
And so I won’t give you a chance
To hurt me again
Even though it wasn’t your fault

The though
Of losing
Losing control
Losing a friend
Losing you
I can’t take it

So I will make sure
I am in control
Of the pain
I will slice my wrists
And count the calories
And maintain my
Complete
Dominance
Over my life

I’m scared of
Losing
Control

I’m scared of losing you
I’m sorry... I’m still ****** up
May 6 · 443
Untitled
Aaryn May 6
The blackest night
Tends to have
The brightest stars

But
My night
Is cloudy
And all I can see
Are the eyes in my closet
And the fears from my head
Stop telling me stupid **** like try to find the silver lining. I’ve been looking.
Mar 11 · 189
Urges
Aaryn Mar 11
Panting
the brush glides
so smoothly over
the light canvas

Yet the ink
doesn't absorb into the fibers
but spills from the art

You may look at my work
and be disgusted
horrified ever

you may not see what I see
you may look at these red lines
on this pale canvas
and not be controlled by its beauty

But I am
And this is all I can do from killing myself
Self-harm is controlling me, I can't stop thinking about relapsing and I'm only a few weeks clean.
Feb 28 · 248
My personalized prison
Aaryn Feb 28
sometimes
I think of killing myself
how the silence would
be so freeing
and the darkness
to overcome
and I waiting to fulfill its infinite void

Sometimes I wish
to die
my breath to stop
the constant ringing
of the voices
in my head
they no longer
have hold
on my thoughts

sometimes I think
I'm lost
because the people around
don't know me
they don't know
the horrors
that sit
inside my skull

so sometimes
I think of killing myself
then they'll know
i was never fine
my long sleeves
are hiding scars
that appeared on my arms
I don't remember making them
but I know I did

but for now
I'm stuck
a stranger
with strange voices
telling me strange things
and I'm just a prisoner
stuck in my mind
forced to listen
forced to obey
because what happens
when your mind
turns its back on you
really it's the best prison there is
Jan 26 · 730
A bridge
Aaryn Jan 26
The sign is a suggestion
If they really cared
They would have built the fence higher
Jan 26 · 297
Born To Die
Aaryn Jan 26
Tell me I’m a star
At least that way
I won’t feel bad
For burning out
Crying rn
Jan 9 · 145
last
Aaryn Jan 9
last night i wept
because i didn't know how i felt
last year i was cutting
every single day
slice
after slice
last today i was praised
because i can hold it all in
and i dont hurt myself
with the razor
as often as i did
last week i found a lighter
and held it to my skin
i don't remember for how long
but the burn is still there
and even though the euphoria subsided
the stench
of burnt flesh
is still fresh
in my memory
Dec 2018 · 193
make it quick
Aaryn Dec 2018
I think
I make friends
and love
only because
I like to watch the blood flow from my wrists
to the ground
well
even though I had nothing to cut with
my body still bled
and I think
that bleeding
will **** me
Dec 2018 · 539
gone now
Aaryn Dec 2018
If I hadn't met you I'd be dead
I told you I was living for you
And you left
why am I still ******* writing about this
Aaryn Nov 2018
it's destructive
it's painful
but slicing into my skin
every time I want to write a word down
is the best pain I have ever felt

Maybe this bleeding
isn't bad
and I'm getting rid
of all the pain

But then
I don't know when to stop
The song "Chlorine" by twenty øne piløts is all about how to write this way you have to be in a bad place and sometimes the addictiveness of the sorrow pulls you deeper and deeper and the writing isn't an escape but just another door back to our dark places... I see this in myself all too often...
Nov 2018 · 484
a guessing game*
Aaryn Nov 2018
you aren't going to win











no one                 guesses











what terrors                     lay behind                   my       eyes
















because                             I hide










behind           this          smile
Although if you really look
when I'm alone
the game stops
Nov 2018 · 53
Untitled
Aaryn Nov 2018
is         it a     sin to    love
if     your           heart is      torn from your        



chest
Aaryn Nov 2018
today my therapist
said I looked happy
she didn't know
about the fresh bleeding lines on my thighs
or the broken spirit I can so well hide

she didn't know that my world was breaking
because I'm always faking
a smile
a laugh
any emotion at all
it all hurts

everything hurts
I can feel my veins pushing through my skin
screaming to be freed
and I free them
and pull down my sleeves
and hide

I've been hidden for so long
I feel "normal"
and even though its horrible
I thought that harming myself
was a standard method
to cope

but unlike me
the people around
feel calm and sound
most don't get washed up on shores
of death and destruction
by endless waves of emotions

and most
don't believe the best way to cope
is to set your blood free
and to give up your hope.
Literally did this in 10 minutes and it's a mess but I had to get this out of my head...
Oct 2018 · 101
this is not a life to live
Aaryn Oct 2018
the color has drained from my face
the light is gone behind my eyes
Ive stopped sleeping
Soon I'll stop eating
and then a relapse

I'll take out that thin silver blade
The one that only I know about
its hidden in a place
no one would look

I'll place it against my skin
and push
then pull
and all of this pain
will flow from my veins
onto the ground
a crimson river

but if it flows too long
or too fast
not only will the pain leave
but the euphoria will start
And before I know it
my arm is covered in gashes
ones that I won't be able to explain

And then
I feel the colors return
and the light flickers back on
and I am happy

so, fine
self harm isn't healthy
but it makes me happy
so why do you take it away?
I'm not trying to **** myself when I self harm and I have control of the blade... I know how to properly dress wounds and keep them from becoming infected.... and if watching the blood drain from my body is unhealthy then so be it... but for some twisted reason it releases everything and helps me be happy - even if it's for a short while.
Oct 2018 · 485
sweatshirt
Aaryn Oct 2018
I have worn the same clothes three days in a row
the same filth
that ingrains onto my skin
and scratches at my heart
slices through everything

It is big enough to cover the **** mess that is my body
And my arms encase my chest
when I'm not wearing it
Although I know everyone notices
It's not that I can't afford clothes
Its that my mind can't accept them

I have one shirt
It covers my scars
It covers my chest
the one I want to cut off
just to feel like me
it covers my stomach
the one that aches from being empty sometimes
then hurts from being stuffed full

I want to wear different clothes
I don't want to be looked at the way I am
but in the end
This sweatshirt can feel like my only friend

Yes, it is crusted over with blood
on the inside of the left sleeve
but only because
it is making sure I don't bleed out

Yes, maybe it makes me look bigger than I am
but then after a binge
nobody notices the bloating
because the sweatshirt can hide anything

I don't know
where the metaphor ends
and reality begins anymore
Some of this is literal and some metaphorical... i'm very confused with this one
Oct 2018 · 215
You Don't Know
Aaryn Oct 2018
Every day
Every second
Every moment
That I am existing
Thoughts of you flash behind my eyelids

Sitting on the bench
When I first started to fall in love with you
I can not comprehend
How someone like me
got so lucky as to be with someone like you

You don't know how much I need you

And I read your poems
Some would say they could be the truest version of oneself
So I read every single one
Over and over
And I cry

Because you are too kind
too beautiful
too perfect
to feel the way you do

You deserve to be surrounded by people that care about you
more than they care for themselves
because you care for all of them
and they know that

You deserve a life without tears
without sorrow
without fear

but I know that fairy tales
and dreams
rarely have an inkling of truth behind them

So I will be there
I will surround you
Care for you
Love you

But even so, I am not perfect
And my sorrow might creep over to you
and because of this
I might try to push you away
to protect you

but you will never leave the back of my mind
And every night
when I close my eyes
I'll be thinking of you

You don't know how much I need you
For a human, that has always been there for me and I love her for it...
Oct 2018 · 401
Numb
Aaryn Oct 2018
Isn't it insane
that mental
and physical
are so intertwined
through pain?

Slice your wrists
when you're numb
you won't feel a thing
If you are truly numb
a cut with a blade
is painless

then slowly
as the euphoria subsides
a dull throbbing begins
it's quiet at first
if you listen too hard
it's not there at all

then as the night goes on
and the high is gone
you feel everything
each slice
each word
and at that moment
all you want
is for the numb to return

Eventually
the wounds begin to heal
they don't hurt like they used to
And you are renewed
a blank canvas
null of emotion
and  you pick up the blade again
for all that you want now is the pain to return
to paint your paper red
and to feel everything
once more;
Relapsed again... now my clothes are soaked in blood and my mind is at rest...
Sep 2018 · 500
xxx
Aaryn Sep 2018
***
A sad story
Is drawn upon my wrist
Because
I don't want to exist

My thoughts are toxic
I've given up talking
Because no one listens
and no one is watching

as my mind destroys
what's in my heart
And all this poise
was a lie from the start

I want to die
And yet I'm stuck in my mind
Please let me resign
from this excuse for a life.
If I could wish for anything right now it would be to die.
Sep 2018 · 258
100
Aaryn Sep 2018
100
don't worry I'm fine
But I lie all the time
but I'm fine
trust me this time
I'm in control

100
that's enough
that's all you get
don't be a *****
You're fat

you're a pig
5 bites for breakfast
Nothing for lunch
3 bites of dinner
then go for a run
ha you thought you were done?

We're only getting started
crunches
sit ups
leg lifts
wall sits
you're a ****** up human
look at all this lose skin

those fat thighs
and these white lies
of saying that you're fine
when all of your thoughts
are consumed by this routine
gotta eat clean
only protein

got a b+?
well guess what?
You'll cut yourself
with that blade on the shelf

but the pounds are dropping
what did I say?
but all this jogging
and constant fasting
is not gonna last you
you've gotta eat less
and run more
listen to me
stupid *****
you wanna be pretty?
lucky for you
I don't feel pity

You must be empty
I've told you this
Yet you still insist
On eating this
stupid ****
you don't need that

stop lying
You're not hungry
can you ever be trusted
this isn't funny

Empty
You must stay empty
Based of of my experiences with eating disorders and from what others have told me
Sep 2018 · 71
Above water?
Aaryn Sep 2018
They all say to drown your demons,
But the ******* learned to swim,
And pushed me under instead.
Now I'm drowning.
Sep 2018 · 415
You said...
Aaryn Sep 2018
6th grade... we were friends
7th... we were best friends
I remember the day
We decided
How our lives were going to continue
together
inseparable
classmates thought we were twins
8th grade... we grew closer
I told you I needed you
I cried in front of you
I revealed my biggest secret
to you
and with your help
I came out
but then
you found others
and our circle grew
It was okay
for a while
but as you became extroverted
and popular
and liked
I became an outcast
I didn't realize it at the time
But it was so obvious
At the end of that year
I started to see
How you thought I was clingy
Messed up
A burden
You were my only friend
And you hated me
But you were too nice to let me know
The last day of school came
we promised we'd get together
but days came and passed
I never saw you
you never texted
9th grade has come
you don't even look at me like a friend
I had a panic attack today
in front of you
not intentionally
but I would have hoped you could have helped
and you just watched
as I burned from within
I knew for some time
but now its all to obvious
You never liked me
You never will
But really
you were all I had
I had a really good friend... and now I don't
Sep 2018 · 181
Separated
Aaryn Sep 2018
when you find the place
that the moon
is outshone
by the brightness
of the stars
each one
a separate lost soul
waiting to find
it's place
take solace in knowing
you are not alone
nor are you lost
for you are with me
and I will always find you
For someone very special to me. I hope I'm special to her too.
Mar 2018 · 202
A Broken Fight
Aaryn Mar 2018
The girl with the empty eyes
Is really just shattered inside
She’ll sew together her broken heart
But it no matter how hard she tries it will just fall apart
She’ll glue the pieces of her soul
But she can never make it whole
Bullied and accused
For defying your ****** up and broken views
She’s dying
And she’s crying
And she’s lying
Cause she tells us she’s fine
But she’s not
Cause she’s dying

The boy with the sad smile
Feels like he’s in exile
His dad left long ago
And his mom is never home
He cries himself to sleep at night
Because he’s tired of this endless fight
You tell him to drown his demons
And to arm himself with weapons
But his limbs are so **** tired
And he’s all to uninspired
To continue in this life

These two
And too many more
Have to fight
A broken fight
Have to live
A broken life
And your best advice
Is to sew on a smile
Because psychology says that that’s worth their while

They're stronger than you
Whether you like it or not
And unless you can understand
The constant fear
And reprimand
Of their life
You won't stop
And soon you’ll find
Their blood
Is on your hands too

And you’ll realise
This demand
Of societies homeland
Turns peoples life to a swampland
Of bland perfection

And to those
Who can't check the boxes of these messed up questions
Remember that your life
Is not for their inspection
It’s to teach others lessons
It’s to make an impression
It’s to find your purpose
And know that no matter what you are worth it
This life is worth it

And If you forget all of this yet
At least remember this noise
My voice
Telling you
To stay alive
To open your eyes
To recognize that when the day is done
You are the one that has won

I know You’re put in a ring
And you’re demons are who you’re fighting
But you have to know
That even though
The bets are placed
And the odds are low
You can still put on a show

You are stronger
Than you believe
And I know you can fight
Or at least fight alongside me
Because you are not alone
We are not alone

We are together
Stronger than our foes
And we can win
In this broken world
We can win this broken fight.
Meant to be read as a slam poem.
Mar 2018 · 193
Free
Aaryn Mar 2018
Do not control me
For I have my own free will

Do not try to explain
That a boy is a boy
And a girl is a girl
Solely because of what's in their pants

Don't tell me
that I am straight
Because I wore a dress
When I was three

I will no longer
listen to your words
Or let you mold me
To fit your broken standards

You can not control me
For I have my
Own.
Free.
Will.
To society... because you're ****** up.
Aaryn Mar 2018
I've turned my guns to fists
But now i'm fighting
Along with all these other
Mutant kids
Fused at the wrist
Even though you told them
To shoot at this
Our demons are what we're fighting
And we can’t win
Guns for Hands is one of my favorites twenty one pilots songs and it has helped save my life. I love this song I love Tyler's message and I love this bands purpose. This was my reaction to listening to Guns For Hands for the first time.
Mar 2018 · 106
[numb]
Aaryn Mar 2018
I was told I wasn’t okay
So I started taking medication
2 pills
And my emotions took a back seat

When I came back
You told me
2 panic attacks a week
Was too many

So I took 4 pills
And my emotions
Found the exit
And jumped off the plane

Never to be seen again
I feel numb all the time because of this ******* medication.
Mar 2018 · 73
Tierd
Aaryn Mar 2018
You ask me the question
The one I dread
Because I know I can't tell the truth
How are you?
Tired
That's all I say
I'm so ******* tired
The tired that doesn't
Leave with sleep
Even though
I haven't slept in three days
The tired that stains your mind
And plagues your soul
The tired
That can only be described as depressed
I'm so ******* tired.
Mar 2018 · 139
Scar
Aaryn Mar 2018
I looked for a synonym
To scar
And I saw:
A Defect
A disfigurement
A flaw

Because apparently
Our Scars
Are not
Perfection
Or strength

But I argue
That scars
Tell our story

They show our strength
Our beauty
Appear as victories
In battles
That only you
Know you’re fighting

perfect
In every way
Wounds turned white
And plastered
To our skin

A constant reminder
Of where we once were
And where we will
Never be again
Mar 2018 · 129
Scars
Aaryn Mar 2018
Every battle
Lost with myself
Is etched on my forearm
Every tear
That has rolled down my cheek
Has a space there too
They tell my story
They show my past
And my present
But were not done yet
And I can't
Erase
These
Scars
a poem to my mother who wants me to get plastic surgery to remove my scars
Mar 2018 · 103
Please
Aaryn Mar 2018
Do you not see me
It feels like a million miles away
As I sit almost touching your shoulder

Do you not hear them
Or is it you
Whispering these things in my ear

Do you not watch
As I fight to keep from crying
Or has my mask fooled you too?

Please see me
Please hear them
Please watch

Hold me tight
To keep me up
Above the water
Watching the stars
With you
I feel all alone rn...
Mar 2018 · 119
Prove Them Wrong
Aaryn Mar 2018
If you can hear
The dark clouds screaming
As their tears
Fall to the ground
Why do you not comfort them

If you can see
The sadness
In a single flower
Because no one cares enough
To help it grow
Why do you not give it water

They say ignorance is bliss
But if you see
And do nothing
You prove them right
Jan 2018 · 97
As Darkness Closes
Aaryn Jan 2018
The water grows higher
Around my neck
Tight
Like a noose
As the moon rises
And darkness closes
The stars shine brighter
Telling me that it’s okay
But i don't believe them
As the moon rises
And darkness closes
Underwater now
Too deep to reach air
Gasping
******* in the poison
Into my lungs
As the moon rises
And darkness closes
Anxieties high
While its getting darker
And my hands colder
My tears heavier
As the moon rises
And darkness closes
Looking down
From 13 stories up
Legs dangling off the edge
As the moon rises
And darkness closes
Standing now
Ready to jump
Ending it all
Watching the moon rise
And finally, darkness closed
I'm done...
Mar 2017 · 438
You're dying inside
Aaryn Mar 2017
You're dying inside,
'Cause it's inside your mind,
You say that you're fine,
But you're not 'cause you're dying.

A smile on your face,
As your demons they chase,
What's left of your mind,
But now they can't find,
Any more of your mind,
'Cause it's lost,
So you cry.

You cry 'cause you're dying,
And you're dying while you're crying,
And it's not worth the time,
You think to yourself,
It's not worth the time,
You put in your life,
So inside your mind,
You decide that you'll die,
And you pick up the knife
Then you end your life.
Im Sorry

— The End —