There's a streak of sadness
that lines the backdrop of my facade.

There is much discontent
that lurks sinisterly beneath.

Gone is the confidence
that these legs might see me
through the ribbon at the end.

Instead I’m all strung up,
all hung up
and all choked up
with misplaced guilt and grief.

why do we rely
on mere sparks to fuel us
when the sun herself
is on her knees
begging to fill us

i.


there are days
when my stars
align just for me.


my inner cosmos
telling me to write
about the pain.


my inner cosmos
telling me to expand
the universe within.


ii.


there are days
when my stars
collapse.


i am made of pure
darkness.


i am made of pure
anxiety—


terrified of not seeing
the sun again.


iii.


there are days
when my stars
rise—


like the infinite suns
that they are.


illuminating my being.

-

how you gonna lie like that?

-

you stood in my space
swallowed my air
made me feel like i was
living in a bubble
made of mirrors
i thought the world was
slipping out from
underneath me and
it seemed like i'd
fall asleep to your voice
telling me i was
unfair an unjust
cheating on you like
an attention-*****
and i'd wake up
to see you
bless me with your
kisses and your hair
falling on your
forehead
you were just
so easy to love
boy, you are
just so easy to love.

i never cheated on you
never lied, never
went behind your back
there were times
i stepped out to
take a breath of
fresh air because
i felt like i was living
in a room full of
hot air made of your
breath and
it just got too much
for me but
my walk outside
never meant
walking into
someone else's life
and i don't know
how to show you
that i would never
betray you but
sometimes i needed
to just be on my own
and even when i was
on my own sometimes
i just needed to not
hear your voice
in my head
because there were
already so many
voices inside there

but ****, boy,
i never left you
hanging and i still
want to hold on
to the memories and
the feelings i felt
(i still feel)
but ****,
you're going around
telling them i was a
cheat and a liar
as if i was made
of hell's fire
i didn't let you
burn no matter how
many times i felt
like a volcano

-

how you gonna lie like that?

-

i am sometimes
a fool, a miser
stubborn, hot-headed
indecisive, sometimes selfish
maybe a little mean

but

*i am not a liar
i will not betray you
and your secrets
are forever in my heart
hidden under my tongue
your pain and hunger
are in my pocket
wrapped up tight

your childhood
lives under my skin
your failures
tucked under my pillow
you are not vulnerable
except in my arms
and i will not leave
your body
in the cold or in
between their fingers

your trust
is in my faith
and my faith
is in your trust
when i kiss you
goodnight
i will not kiss
another
goodmorning
it is a simple
pact to myself-
it is you.
you are my
quiet;
not a secret
but not public.

i promise you this
when the moon
splits in half
and the oceans
fill it's cracks
when we are no
longer one
under the sun
when we are
no longer each
other's under
the sheets behind
closed doors
i promise you
this
you are still
safe in my
memories
buried in the sand
in the beach where
we had our
first "real" date
we will forever
be frozen
in the popcorn of
movies and
bathtubs
of cheap motels
i promise you
this
i will never
betray you
nor leave you
out in the open
i never lied to you
never forged
the words
nor meant
any harm.
i promise you
this
day or night
night or day
protected with
me
in my memory
you will
forever stay.

i dreamt of you
standing on top of a building
so far up, staring down at me

i dreamt of you
standing on top of a building
so far up, a hero in the sky

i dreamt of you
standing on top of a building
and i wonder if this means
that no matter how many
crimes you commit
somewhere deep inside
you are still my savior
standing so tall, so far
always untouchable
i wonder if this means
that in my heart
you still hold a position
stories higher than anyone else
i keep looking for a savior
but that place remains unreplaced
because the safety after the fear
that you gave me is irreplaceable
and i wonder if that means
no matter how far i run
i'll still search for you
in my skies and sun

i dreamt of you
laying on top of my body
your skin buzzing with electricity

i dreamt of you
laying on top of my body
your touch caressing my skin

i dreamt of you
laying on top of my body
and i wonder if that means
no matter how many times
i try to escape
your weight is still somewhere
on my chest
holding me down like a brand
claiming me as yours
your skin is heavy
with hunger and mine
craves you in ways i never
craved anyone else
and after all these months
i wonder if this means
you are still somewhere
on my body
in my body
i wonder if you still
live somewhere in my heart
and under my layers
and i wonder
if this means no matter how many
times i try to wash you away
you are still
always there.

my father told me
to just come home
once i hit my
breaking point

how do i explain to him
that i don't have a breaking point?

my body will twist and turn
it will boil and bubble from
the inside out but i will
not break and my lungs
will scream for air my
heart tied together with
knots and crosses my hair
falling away in the air
that just isn't enough for me
to breathe

how do i tell him that
my sadness will keep growing
until i am dead and that
there is no 'point' at which it will
be 'bad enough' for me to say
'i give up- take me home'
there will be no point because
father, i will tell him,
father, you raised me as a fighter,
and i do not know how to give up
not when it is the smart option
not when it is the only option
i am not one who gives up and that
is both stupid and deadly but
i know myself to know that i will
stay and stay and stay till it was
far past time to leave
that is why i loved the boy
who wrote poetry on me with a blade
and that is why when he told me he'd **** me
i still stayed
i don't know how to let go
of places or people or things
i don't know how to give up
on ideas or love
that is why
when the nurse asks me
how bad the pain is
on a scale of 1-10
i will always say
something along the lines
of 5
even with a broken spine
and a dislocated skull
i will tell her the pain is 5
because i do not know
what my 10 is
where do i stop to say
this
this is
enough

father, when you tell me to come home
when i've had enough
know that i do not know what 'enough' is
i have always been trying to be 'enough'
i always want to give more than 'enough'
but this strange place called 'enough'
has never been home to me

i'll fight till my
anxiety ties around my neck
and i am blue in the face
purple fingertips
and yellow eyeballs
i'll fight until my
depression creeps into the
veins of my bloodless body
and soars through them
mercilessly
i'll fight until
you put the last of the dirt
upon my fractured grave
because death always came easier
than ever saying
i give up

i tried to ignore it
this pull at my chest
like i'd taken my own
emotions as captives
in the bars between my
arteries
but you can't keep
running horses prisoner
and i feel the bars
loosen as it calls
out for home and
memories it craves
a new beginning
but in the same
place and i think
it's time i pack
my bags and return to
the old to start
anew
because this life,
no matter how hard you
try
you cannot out run it
you will run circles
and circles
in the same old fields
with the same
old feelings
until you realize
nothing
and everything
has changed.

when a boy shows you his hands
bare except for the dust
he’s begging you to look past
take them in yours.
squeeze them once.
twice.
say without speaking
that you understand that the valleys
in his palms were meant to cradle
shooting star wishes
that he’s allowed to still hope for.
when a boy shows you his eyes
of milk and crimson and melanin
a bloodshot vein for every night he can’t sleep
let him shut his eyelids.
say without speaking
that you understand that the black hole pinpricks
of his irises hold more than the universe
should allow.
when a boy shows you his soul
shivering but still working toward friction
iced over but still working toward melting
let him come to rest next to yours.
say without speaking
that you understand that he is lonely
and that his silence speaks volumes
and that you kept his treasure close
because you love him.
when a boy shows you his hands
show him your hands.
when a boy shows you his eyes
show him your eyes.
when a boy shows you his soul
show him that
this is a comfortable place to rest it.
when a boy shows you the hardness that shaped him
show him the softness
that you have in store.