Pin me down and tear me apart.
Don't worry, I'm not a piece of art.
I'm begging you to be mine,
Even if it means I'd have to be dying.
I have to belong or living's no good
Without your eyes telling me the truth.
Lie to me and tell me it's fine,
That in the end, you'll still be mine.

You always looked at me as if you were better.
Maybe it is because drugs were never your forte and
through me they flowed so easily.
but I do recall a boy who craved
to be a part of my
scene, but he didn't belong what
with his Nike socks and his
Polo shirts.
That couldn't be it,
because you wanted
every other girl there
over me and nearly ****** my
best friend in the bed that
held me the day before.
I was never good enough for you.
I didn't work out and
especially didn't not in
matching gear from all of your
expensive favorites.
I preferred botched up jeans and
a flannel that didn't quite match
my beanie or
my shoes.

You always looked at me as if you were better.
Hell, you'd rarely even
hold my hand in
your car let alone in
public, did you worry about
how it looked to be seen with
someone like me? Someone who
you'd give that same disgusted look
every ******* day?
You'd look at me with complete
self-glorification and absolute
lack of empathy, no love
left for the girl who would
slit her own ******* throat
if you truly desired it.

You always looked at me as if you were better.
****, maybe you are.

When I was small I loved You little
then my soul You began to whittle
thru growth my spirit oft felt brittle
I would repent ... pray for acquittal

each minute I found I loved You more
interceding was never a chore
upon my knees deep within my core
I hoped for Your celestial rapport

as I spiritually matured
my soul was safe from satan's detour
I stretched toward You who reassured
that forever with You I had procured

in my aging sage wisdom was sewn
soul was a temple for You alone
in loving You, life was a steppingstone
I took Your hand, now see Your Throne.



© Carmela M. Patterson, All rights reserved.

Art is my life,
madness is my muse.
My best works come out,
when I feel abused..

I lost myself in the ways that I tried to love you
& I lost myself in the ways that I tried to make you love me

I lost myself through bruised knuckles
& blood-stained wrists

I lost myself that time, at your friend’s house, when I said no,
& you didn’t listen

I lost myself in our endless fights
& how you always made me feel like it was my fault

I lost myself the night you grabbed me in the arena
& left “your mark” for two weeks

I found myself the day we said goodbye
& it felt like I could breathe again

I found myself when then the scars started to fade
& the bruises disappeared

I found myself when your words no longer haunted me
& the thought of you didn’t break my heart anymore

I found myself when I stopped thinking about you
& started thinking about myself

I've got a hot date in Heaven..
Don't keep me up 'cause he'll be waiting,
He was my first love,
And maybe my last love,
.. Sometimes my worst love,
But we won't talk about that ;)

And i'm lying here while he sets us a table,
I've been to Amsterdam but never to the city of angels
All i know is i'm in love,
With my only best friend..
And it's a holiday i'll tell them,
I'll be back more 'heaven sent'..

But til then i'll just talk to the stars..

Oh would it be okay if i chose not to move on?
'Cause i believe in holding on,
And i believe you're holding on too
&All; the stars that alligned us,
Will hopefully find us..
Again,
And again..
And againnn..

I've got a hot date in Heaven..
Don't keep me here 'cause Augustus is waiting..
He was my first love
And maybe my last love
But always my favourite love
... Yeah i'll talk about that.

Someday i'll write about that.

John Green made me sad in the best possible way...

So thanks

Augustus,who taught me to love people no matter what.

Hazel,for showing me we are all beautiful.

Alaska,for saying its okay to be a bit mischievous.

Pudge,for proving that you don't have to have millions of friends to feel loved.

The Coronel, for teaching me to believe in myself,no matter where I had come from.

Colin,for my eureka moment.

Both Will Graysons,for showing me is okay to not know exactly who you are.

And every character in Paper Towns,who just made me really happy.

But lastly and most importantly I'd like to thank John Green,because you made my life a better place with your books, and for that I'm forever greatful