I hate that I can’t stop thinking about you.
It makes me feel like you’ve won twice.

frozen coke
family matters
sack swing
hugs

at 822 Pine Avenue

late nights
pillow forts
peach cobbler dessert

at 822 Pine Avenue

headstands and trampolines
laughs
a front porch swing

at 822 Pine Avenue

wives tales & mud pies

at 822 Pine Avenue

pecan tree
bench beneath
singing in her sleep

at 822 Pine Avenue

bird fountain and basketball net
a ball needing air
popsicle stains on shirts

at 822 Pine Avenue

mining for rocks down the alley
papa's roof was *****

at 822 Pine Avenue

birthday parties
coconut pies
drawing pictures in the front room

at 822 Pine Avenue

Geraldine stories
flash light animals
sleepovers with the twin beds pushed together

at 822 Pine Avenue

talking in her sleep
frying me bacon to eat
Sunday afternoon lunches

At 822 Pine Avenue

1 husband
3 kids
7 grandchildren
13 great grandchildren

at 822 Pine Avenue

Today I will not let the past, whether it be yesterday, a month or year ago define my day.

I will press on knowing this day would be wasted if I spend it in the past instead of the present.

I put to lie all of my losses in the grave and press on to the future.

I will remember and not take for granted, not everyone woke up this morning, but I have.

I am privileged with another day and I will honor that responsibility.

I will press forward.
I will do this because of the light in me.
I will do this for myself.
I will do this in honor of those who did not wake.
I will cherish every alive moment today.
I will honor the gift that is life with my best self.

Your eyes inadvertently traced the details of my face, as if you were studying a map you couldn't understand, or trying to find where a piece went in an extravagant puzzle. I don't know if you were consciously aware of your eyes actions, or my hearts reactions to your gaze. But when you smiled at me with that twinkle in your eye, my heart is instantly set ablaze. It's not that I love you. Honestly I don't. And it's not that I want to be with you, because I refuse, I won't. But there's something about your presence that can't help but set me on fire. Why is your affection something I greatly desire?

Let your mind go, wander, be free they say. Up to the trees where the blue birds sing.
Up high above this roof all problems will evaporate into the smell of cedar and pines.
Stop thinking too much is they say, but then they mention things I need to think.
Be free like the wind that rushes through these mountains they say, but their eyes hold me with chains.

Saw you on the street tonight,
you were walking my way.

You were with Arnie,
I knelt down to play.

You tried to pull him away from me,
Like I was a stranger passing by.

The excitement in his little body, made me want to cry.

I asked you if you weren't going to stop,
You gave in and paused.

I got dirt all over my face, from his little paws.

Everyone thinks their dog is special,
But Arnie actually is.

He has a lightness about him that makes you forget the world isn't sheer bliss.

You looked at me with such disgust and asked me how I was. Hoping it was bad.

I said I was good and asked you the same.

You said
GREAT!
FANTASTIC!
COULDN'T BE BETTER!
I LOVE MY JOB!
I GOT A RAISE!
I'M SEEING SOMEONE NEW!

I said that's great and i'm happy for you.

You pulled him away from me soon after that.

Our little puppy grown up. He wasn't coming back.

I hope you know i'm actually happy for you,
if any of what you said is true.

I wish no ill intent on you.

My only upset is for the girl who comes next,
and the coldness she will one day receive.

I gave parts of myself to you I have never given to anyone.
We shared a dog, a home, a life, for over a year together.

Yet, you act like i'm a stranger on the street.

I get it. We all get mad and say things we shouldn't in fights.

But it has been a month since you've seen me or talked.
So how can hate be the first reaction in sight?

The lack of kindness in your eyes was inhumane.

You are a soul sucker who has moved onto his next victim.
Tossing losses to the side.

You said I was dead to you.
Guess what ******.

I'm Not.

I don’t want to die a repeated flame of the should haves, would haves, could haves, to live a life of potential that is never acted upon. I do not want to stand at the resounding end, after my heart has pumped it’s last liter of blood and my lungs have taken in their last gasp of air and wish I would have done more with the ones I had. Wish I had loved more, gave more, hoped more, allowed myself to dream more; about the possibilities and complexities of life. Refusing to settle for a life of ordinary and average. A life of the almost.

You were unusual, plain but different in your own faded way. You were a underdeveloped cloud that was somewhere between a heavy fog and one you might say looks like a rabbit. You were always in the middle of things, between my thoughts, within my words, in the midst of my intentions. You shook the ground you stood on without lifting a foot, but you were unaware of the affect you could have. You were ever present in my thoughts, until the day I found your presence unnecessary.

I remember your laugh and all the good times we shared. I remember when we were a big part of each others lives. How I could depend on you, I was sure of you. And as I now see your life through pictures and captured moments that I'm not a part of I can't help think to myself, why did I ever think I didn't want to be a part of it? Why did I make you optional?

I can’t help but romanticize every little bit of my life.
Give me heartbreak I’ll make it growth.
Give me a failure I’ll make it a lesson.
Give me a foe I’ll make them a friend.
Give me your heart I’ll keep it safe.

I tried to unblock my thoughts to feel something.

It was a bad idea.

You left because you weren't happy.
Good.
Now fill that void with things that do make you happy.
It is not just your right,
But your duty.

All along i've had this slight mental image. This slight mental distortion in my mind. The image that I was missing something not living on the fence, or completely on the other side. I had this image that there was something appealing, about living only for yourself. To live a life of me me me, and to not care about Thee. But i've finally found what I could never see before. It's not everything it seems, the world and it's shallow dreams. All of the things that I thought would bring pleasure is a graceful illusion. That traps people in the same spot, but yet still no conclusion. The exact same spot. Compromise. Living so much less of a life than what their called to. Never fully fulfilling their destiny.

He found me, and just, looked at me, my likes, dislikes, bad hair days, bad moods, and awful thoughts. He looked at all of my shame, all of the hate, and decided He had to make me a clean slate. He wrote me a note, a little letter directly to my heart, After I read it, He told me He had a whole book I could read if I wanted. I said I would like to and asked where I could find it, but He said "You already have it, dusty, on one of the shelves in your room."

I lay in bed
    My thoughts void

The bad thoughts don't come
    They're blocked

The good thoughts don't come
     They don't exist

The void comes
      An old friend

That's the thing about love.
You can't get rid of it.
The more you give it away the more it comes back.

Christmas used to be magic
Mistletoe had meaning
Tinsel told me reasons this year was different
Little lights told me lies and I believed every single one
Carols charmed me
Presents paraded in front of me
Oh god and love, love felt so very near.

Like a burn victim wrapping their welts.
A dog licking its wounds.
A torn muscle in an ice bath.

I will build myself back together after you.
These broken bones will grow back stronger.
I’m not there yet, but I’m healing.

Don’t call me when you miss me.
Don’t call me when you’re sad.
Don’t call me when you realize I was the best partner you ever had.
I didn’t call you when I was broken.
I didn’t call you when I sobbed.
I didn’t call you when I was hyperventilating on the bathroom floor from the love I still felt for you.

I make quick decisions about people.

I like you or I don’t and I know within the first few times meeting you.

I don’t understand when other people also don’t come to these quick decisions about me and others. I’ll ask questions to myself like “Can’t they tell I’m great?”

Once I’m in, I’m in- and I’ll love you more fiercely than you’ve ever been loved. But I won’t show as I’ll be afraid you won’t love me back or at least as much as I love you.

So I will conceal some of my love, give it to you in smaller pieces, mostly non-verbal because words are my love language and mean the most to me. I will see how you respond and reciprocate.

I assume people are good until they show me otherwise.

I am afraid that no one will ever love the full, raw version of me. I’m afraid I’ll always be too much for other people.

I want to open up, share, and know someone’s life story, and how their brain works- but I want them to do it first.

I want them to be vulnerable so I can be too.

I am scared to show people how I am really feeling.
I am scared to give someone control over my emotions.

I hate the idea of someone having power over my emotions.
That feels like a loss to me.
Even if that loss is to the best hands.

I am afraid to rely on anyone.
I want to be self-sufficient and singular.

But I also want to be so intertwined with someone under the sheets on a Saturday morning that even the smell of waffles and coffee doesn’t tempt me to move. I’ve lost track of what limbs are theirs and mine.

I want intimacy without the real ****.
Because the real **** scares me shitless.

My mind creates you when you’re not here to hold me.
I dream of you every night.

Shouldn’t feeling this deeply matter?
Shouldn’t all of this love count for something?
Is it really all going to go to waste?

There’s been a lot of toxic love before you.
You being pure makes me see it.

If it was up to me.
I’d be with you every night.
If it was up to me.
I’d let you win every fight.
If it was up to me.
You would still be mine.
Thank god it wasn’t up to me.

No one is immune.
No drug will cure it.
No philosopher can properly describe the disease.
No scholar can logic away the infection.
It gets us all, eventually.

I think of all the things I plan on becoming.
They’re so much more interesting, exciting, and inspiring than being someone’s wife.
I can’t believe I almost made that trade.
I can’t believe I almost sacrificed my dreams on the altar.

After all of this time.
All these years.
I still have such a lust for possibility.
I still love the dream.
I still love working towards it.
Life is too big to dream small.

I think one of my issues with relationships is that I’ve seen them as a destination.
Instead of a climb.
A point to get to instead of a path to take with a friend.
The journey is the fun part.

You make me believe in romcoms again.
You’re the one I wouldn’t run away from.

There was nothing special about you,
But the way I loved you was.

I like being really tired before going to sleep.
It feels good to fight one last thing before bed, even if that thing is me.

I come before you with not just words or promises. I come to you with a vision. A vision of our future.

A vision of our love, loyalty and the dedication we will share over our lifetime together. Of the roots we will plant, the home we will create and the family we will make. Of the blood sweat and tears we will sacrifice for each other, but that our laughter and joy will make them seem so very small.

This vision is something I never saw before you. And you have made me see it all so so clearly.

I will grow old with you.
I will go grey with you.
I will be with you for as long as this life allows me to be.

I am sure of you.

I vow to you that I will remember this vision of certainty in the hurt and sacrifices that are inevitable in life. Through the bad days, through the tough months through sickness and any obstacles.

I am sure of you.

Looking back it’s funny that we never took many photos together.
A few goofy ones & ugly selfies.
But never posed ones for social media.
I guess it was because for the first time I didn’t feel the need to look good in a relationship.
I knew we were good.
No proof needed.

I’ve got to detox you out of my system.
I’m going through withdrawals.
Even though your love was synthetic.

Felt sick to my stomach this morning.
It reminded me of you.

I want to know if you think about getting better for me.
I want to know if you think about me at all.

I am sure of you because I’ve never needed perfect moments with you.
I don’t need to stand underneath a mistletoe or fireworks to kiss you.  
I don’t need a romantic evening to want you.
I don’t need a weekend of activities to enjoy   you.
I don’t need a good joke to laugh at you.
I am sure of you because of the way I feel grocery shopping with you.
I am sure of you because of the way I feel cleaning the house with you.
I am sure of you because of the way I feel disagreeing with you.
I am sure of you because of how much I love the mundane things of life with you.

And at the end of all of that heartbreak.
All of the dinners you couldn’t eat.
The bottles you drowned yourself in.
The tears you left on every fabric you touched.
You’ll realize -
He was nothing special.
But the way you loved him was.

You’re not my cookie cutter guy.
You are rough around the edges.
Your ends refusing a mold.
I can’t put a bow on you.
I can’t make you a party trick at Christmas.
And I kind of love that.

I do not have words for you yet.
Can’t sum you up on a few lines.
No rhyme or poem comes to mind.
But I feel like when I do- it will be a good one.

I never thought I’d find a snore so comforting.

But it proves to me every moment you’re still laying beside me.

Snap memories open up videos from five years ago.
It’s from your birthday in San Fran.
Five years ago today I was so in love with you.
Five years ago I thought you were forever.
Five years later I’m recovering from the heartbreak of another man on your birthday.
I forgot it was your birthday.

At first I loved you too much.
It was too much because you didn’t love me back.
I don’t really know how I talked myself into stopping.
I think I finally became at peace with knowing and loving you as a human.
But accepting you weren’t MY human.