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Apr 25 · 76
Easter Bunny
Is the perfect partner an illusion?
Similar to the Easter Bunny.
People talk about him.
Make eggs and decorate in preparation.
But he is not real.
He also, has nothing to do with the actual holiday he represents.

We are told over and over in life to find a partner.
To seek, to prep, to create pretty little things.
But that’s not what it’s about.
Just like the bunny has a much more shallow story than the resurrection of Christ for the Christian faith.

We are shorting ourselves in life hopping after a perfect partner when the true meaning and happiness of this world is derived from something much deeper.
Something bunnies and pastels will not and cannot fill.
Apr 17 · 200
Cookie cutter
You’re not my cookie cutter guy.
You are rough around the edges.
Your ends refusing a mold.
I can’t put a bow on you.
I can’t make you a party trick at Christmas.
And I kind of love that.
Mar 29 · 92
Read 5:22pm
He’s just not into you.
You know it to be true.
You know what it feels like when someone loves you.

He’s just not that into you,
You know it to be true.
If he was you wouldn’t be making up excuses of why he didn’t text you.

He’s just not that into you
You know it to be true.
And that’s ok, because you never loved him.
Mar 2 · 113
Groundhog’s Day
I read a poem that said,

“Find me where happiness doesn’t feel like a false spring.”

I think that’s when you know you’re in love.

You are no longer looking for the storm.
The other shoe to drop.
The reality check.

You’re all in.
Fully abandoning any thought of snow.
Feb 10 · 191
Atypical
You’re not my usual type.
You’re larger.
In multiple ways.
Physically, you played football and rugby and look like it.
Mentally, you have strong opinions and care deeply.
Emotionally, you don’t shy away from the hard conversations.
You’re not my usual type.
I wasn’t attracted to you by your jawline or abs.
I was attracted to you First because of your brain.
Second, for the way I felt around you.
Feb 3 · 247
Wrapped with a bow
I do not have words for you yet.
Can’t sum you up on a few lines.
No rhyme or poem comes to mind.
But I feel like when I do- it will be a good one.
Jan 17 · 165
Here again
Why is it that with every breakup since
I think of you
I cry at the loss of you
Jan 17 · 221
Heartbreak
I keep thinking if I let myself feel it fully it will eventually stop. Doesn’t it have to eventually stop?
Dec 2021 · 531
Where did the magic go?
Thinking of You Dec 2021
Christmas used to be magic
Mistletoe had meaning
Tinsel told me reasons this year was different
Little lights told me lies and I believed every single one
Carols charmed me
Presents paraded in front of me
Oh god and love, love felt so very near.
I must be getting old
Dec 2021 · 187
Attachment Theory
Thinking of You Dec 2021
I make quick decisions about people.

I like you or I don’t and I know within the first few times meeting you.

I don’t understand when other people also don’t come to these quick decisions about me and others. I’ll ask questions to myself like “Can’t they tell I’m great?”

Once I’m in, I’m in- and I’ll love you more fiercely than you’ve ever been loved. But I won’t show as I’ll be afraid you won’t love me back or at least as much as I love you.

So I will conceal some of my love, give it to you in smaller pieces, mostly non-verbal because words are my love language and mean the most to me. I will see how you respond and reciprocate.

I assume people are good until they show me otherwise.

I am afraid that no one will ever love the full, raw version of me. I’m afraid I’ll always be too much for other people.

I want to open up, share, and know someone’s life story, and how their brain works- but I want them to do it first.

I want them to be vulnerable so I can be too.

I am scared to show people how I am really feeling.
I am scared to give someone control over my emotions.

I hate the idea of someone having power over my emotions.
That feels like a loss to me.
Even if that loss is to the best hands.

I am afraid to rely on anyone.
I want to be self-sufficient and singular.

But I also want to be so intertwined with someone under the sheets on a Saturday morning that even the smell of waffles and coffee doesn’t tempt me to move. I’ve lost track of what limbs are theirs and mine.

I want intimacy without the real ****.
Because the real **** scares me shitless.
I took an attachment style quiz and I didn’t feel like it summed me up. So I wrote my own. Any ideas on what style I am?
Dec 2021 · 711
Ends well
Thinking of You Dec 2021
I can’t help but romanticize every little bit of my life.
Give me heartbreak I’ll make it growth.
Give me a failure I’ll make it a lesson.
Give me a foe I’ll make them a friend.
Give me your heart I’ll keep it safe.
Dec 2021 · 130
212 Fahrenheit
Thinking of You Dec 2021
Love comes out so easily sometimes it feels unintentional.
Like boiling water in a *** on the stove.
It just bubbles out of me.
You might think from these poems I’m a hopeless romantic.
One who tosses rocks and windows, says I love you first and does grand gestures.
I don’t.
I don’t share these poems.
I don’t breakdown to love songs.
Most people say I’m intimidating.
The love comes out in every small action.
Giving them the bigger bowl of pasta.
The piece of bread with more garlic.
Remembering their Tuesday plans.
Wanting to understand how they think.
Finding that perfect, thoughtful gift they never asked for but they love.
Really listening when they speak.
Giving an unsolicited head rub just because I’m really good at them - and I like to hear them sigh with relief as they melt into my legs.
Just like the bubbles in the ***, one by one, they boil out of me.
Often, to evaporate.
Wasted energy
Dec 2021 · 245
Swear
Thinking of You Dec 2021
Maybe the reason writing is so soothing to me is because I truly am a woman of my word.
I know these letters I write will not be lies.
Nov 2021 · 124
Evolution of Thought
Thinking of You Nov 2021
I keep waiting for the shoe to drop.
I can’t believe you like me. My brain won’t let me.
Maybe it’s evolution of thought.
Self preservation from it’s previous losses.
I discount everything that’s happened.
Looking for signs to prove my doubt.
To not become hopeful because it can’t be true.
A guy like you would be too good to be true.
Nov 2021 · 419
Toxicology
Thinking of You Nov 2021
There’s been a lot of toxic love before you.
You being pure makes me see it.
Oct 2021 · 153
Marie Kondo
Thinking of You Oct 2021
My brain is wasting all of its time on these **** men.
Not worth it’s time or processing power.
I should be using it to build my empire.
I’m never happy after thinking about love interests.
At best, I’m left with an anxious longing.
So why do I put myself in that loop?
I am the happiest, and feel the most alive when I am creating.
Creating new, powerful things.
Growing.
Why do I let myself get distracted by the things that don’t bring me joy.
It’s time for some mental spring cleaning.
Oct 2021 · 139
4th of July
Thinking of You Oct 2021
The months I felt the deepest I kept quiet.
I lay in bed and wonder if I’ll ever feel sure again.
If anyone will ever calm my waters that deeply.
Ignite me as much as he did.
How many I love you’s I didn’t say.
Even though I knew he felt it too.

It would have still ended in ruin.
Still here this October night searching for meaning.
I just wish I would have allowed myself to fully burst while it happened.
Right now I’m a malfunctioned firework.
Never truly went off to see beauty in the sky.
And yet, I am here. On the ground. Exploded.
Oct 2021 · 124
Bigger Moat
Thinking of You Oct 2021
I have empires in my future.
You should have never been allowed over the threshold.
Oct 2021 · 135
Legacy
Thinking of You Oct 2021
Part of me hopes I’ll get married and have kids just because of the reality that regardless of how successful I am, I will be deemed a lonely failure by many if I don’t have a family.

Part of me hopes I’ll never have a family so I can change that stereotype.
Sep 2021 · 130
What’s in a word
Thinking of You Sep 2021
I keep looking at my phone.
Thinking if I can articulate my obsessive thoughts.
Feelings.
Pain.
Eloquently enough.
They will somehow go away.
Sep 2021 · 877
0-2
Thinking of You Sep 2021
0-2
I hate that I can’t stop thinking about you.
It makes me feel like you’ve won twice.
Sep 2021 · 134
Blueberry Pie
Thinking of You Sep 2021
We were made from exploding stars.
Parts of the universe from far away on a size of magnitude we can’t fathom.
So why do we feel sometimes like our circumstances are immovable?
We’re blueberry pie and deep space.
We’re atoms that formed a conscious being that can create, move, think and BE.
Let yourself be free to evolve.
Watch yourself manifest new versions of you.
Sep 2021 · 136
Rose-Tinted Glasses
Thinking of You Sep 2021
I’m not sure why I keep remembering the good parts this week.

Maybe because your birthday is coming up.

Maybe because I just stopped talking to a guy I had been seeing for a few months and realized I wasn’t sad at all.
I didn’t grieve about it.
I haven’t thought about him.
I’ve instead been thinking of you.
4 months later.
And sometimes 4 months ago feels like another life and sometimes it feels like last week.

Maybe because I’m in that stage of loss after forgiveness where I can look back without anger and really feel it.

I know the universe has my back.
I know I dodged a bullet.
So why are there tears in my eyes thinking back to when I’d fall asleep with my head on your chest?
Why does what you know is ultimately the best thing, hurt so much?
Sep 2021 · 441
Altar
Thinking of You Sep 2021
I think of all the things I plan on becoming.
They’re so much more interesting, exciting, and inspiring than being someone’s wife.
I can’t believe I almost made that trade.
I can’t believe I almost sacrificed my dreams on the altar.
Sep 2021 · 127
Reduction
Thinking of You Sep 2021
I will find someone - someday.
Who will match me.
Who I do not need shrink for.  
Who will accept me, in all of my rawness.
I will not reduce or downplay my aspirations for any man.
I will press forward and the right people who desire the same things will come into my life.
Sep 2021 · 355
Knots
Thinking of You Sep 2021
Felt sick to my stomach this morning.
It reminded me of you.
Aug 2021 · 139
Man
Thinking of You Aug 2021
Man
I will be the man most men will never be.
Mom - I am a rich man. - Cher
Aug 2021 · 158
Bilingual
Thinking of You Aug 2021
I think you were the love that gave me words.

But never bothered to teach me the language.

Someday, someone will speak to me until I’m fluent.
Aug 2021 · 138
Lost in translation
Thinking of You Aug 2021
I think you were the love that gave me words.

But never bothered to teach me the language.
Aug 2021 · 135
Regret
Thinking of You Aug 2021
I spent so many nights out on this balcony thinking about you.
Worried about you.
Imagining life with you.
Missing you.
Longing for you.
Now all I feel is regret.
August
Jul 2021 · 118
Undercurrent
Thinking of You Jul 2021
I don’t love you anymore.
I don’t want you anymore.
But my body is still processing the loss you.
I dream of you, almost every night.
But not the good parts.
Not the lie I fell in love with.
I dream about the truth.
I dream about who you really are.
A stranger.
My brain keeps telling my body,
“He’s not real.”
My body keeps asking,
“Are you sure?”
Even if only in my subconscious
Jul 2021 · 129
Many Bobbys
Thinking of You Jul 2021
A friend of mine, who spoke English as her second language-
Responded to a girl we knew obsessing over her boyfriend, Bobby.
She lost him at a party and was freaking out and kept calling him, worried he was with another woman.
My friend finally pulled her aside and said,
“There are many Bobbys.”
“The world is FILLED with Bobbys.”

10 years later and I’m realizing how true that is.
There are people you think you can’t live without, but you can. So easily.
There are so many people you can have chemistry and deep emotional connect with.
But you forget that, when you’re getting it consistently from one person.
You think you’ll never find it again.
But it reality, the world is filled with Bobbys.
Here’s to new beginnings
Jul 2021 · 117
Seasons
Thinking of You Jul 2021
I thought there would be no one else.
That you would be the last.
But then, there was.
It feels different.
Like a new season.
Less harsh temperatures and volatile weather.
It’s more like a slight breeze 72 degree day.
It’s nice to not have a chapped face and cold hands.
Even if I still do miss the shock it would give me when I opened my door in the mornings.
We’ll see what this new season holds.
I hope it’s gentle.
Thinking of You Jul 2021
Snap memories open up videos from five years ago.
It’s from your birthday in San Fran.
Five years ago today I was so in love with you.
Five years ago I thought you were forever.
Five years later I’m recovering from the heartbreak of another man on your birthday.
I forgot it was your birthday.
And I remind myself this shall pass too
Jul 2021 · 124
.pptx
Thinking of You Jul 2021
It’s a shame you’ll never see these poems like I planned.
It’s a shame the deep love I had for you went to waste.
It’s a shame I never got to present my PowerPoint about how all of my fears and yours didn’t matter if we had each other.

But I hope one day you find someone else who loves you enough to put her feelings in a .pptx file for you.
I hope one day I find someone who loves me enough to want to make one in return.
Jul 2021 · 386
Rehab
Thinking of You Jul 2021
I’ve got to detox you out of my system.
I’m going through withdrawals.
Even though your love was synthetic.
My body was convinced it was real.
Jul 2021 · 123
Dress up
Thinking of You Jul 2021
To hear the main reason you liked me so in the beginning was because I was the opposite of your ex wife.

You didn’t actually value the things you said you did about me.

You didn’t appreciate the things that made me unique.

Like a coat off the rack.
You were just trying me on for size.
To see how this felt.
There was nothing unique to you.

You didn’t see my embellished gold buttons.
My tailored fit.
My velvet interior.

You didn’t love me for any of the unique things I am.
Which make me so valuable to some.
You just liked me because I was different.

You were just playing dress up.
Jul 2021 · 118
Picket Fence
Thinking of You Jul 2021
Usually, when I drive by really large homes my first thought is:
“Wow -what do they do for a living.”
My second thought usually is:
“What their net worth.”

Yesterday, I spotted an absolutely giant home and my first thought was:
“I wonder if they’re happy.”
My second was:
“I wonder if they love their partner like I love mine.

I caught myself after about 30 seconds.
Was I really thinking about this old super rich couple’s happiness?
I surprised myself.
Then I realized.
“Ah- that’s the lesson.”
Jul 2021 · 272
Leap of Faith
Thinking of You Jul 2021
You just have to jump! They said.
But I never wanted to free fall-
Until I saw you in the waters below.
Jul 2021 · 122
Weight Lifter
Thinking of You Jul 2021
You have this little sigh you do.
When something is bothering you.
In the exhale there is weight.
All I want to do is take the load off of you.
That was one of the first times I realized I loved you.
I was getting stronger, but not for myself.
Jul 2021 · 101
Bird Room
Thinking of You Jul 2021
I slept in the bed last night we had *** in for the first time.
I laid in the same spot I was in when I woke up to see my hand interlaced in yours.
I felt both comforted and horribly anxious.
A brief smirk on my face-
Follow by an elephant on my chest.
Longing and loss seem to be the closest of friends.
Jul 2021 · 595
Recovery
Thinking of You Jul 2021
Like a burn victim wrapping their welts.
A dog licking its wounds.
A torn muscle in an ice bath.

I will build myself back together after you.
These broken bones will grow back stronger.
I’m not there yet, but I’m healing.
Jul 2021 · 101
Suffocation
Thinking of You Jul 2021
You are not the man I thought you were.
I was in love with a ghost.
A vapor.
A story - of who you wanted to be for me.
Now I understand the man I loved did not exist.
It was always the hope.
It was always the potential.
The shared idea we had together.
It feels like suffocation accepting this was a lie.
I hope I can breathe again soon.
Jun 2021 · 107
Swells
Thinking of You Jun 2021
Like the moon determining the tides on shore. - My pain for you comes in swells.

It sinks back into the depths of me where I almost think it’s gone.
And then it crashes back to the surface far up my beaches.
Destroying my sand castles.
Erasing all progress I made while it was away.
It mocks my efforts.
Pulling them back to the depths of the dark floor.
Jun 2021 · 95
Amnesia
Thinking of You Jun 2021
Like a wise woman once said, “Let us forget, with generosity, those who cannot love us.”

So I will try to forget you.
I will try to stop dreaming about you.
I will try to stop caring about you.
I will try to stop loving you.
I will try my hardest, to forget.
Jun 2021 · 346
Better
Thinking of You Jun 2021
I want to know if you think about getting better for me.
I want to know if you think about me at all.
Jun 2021 · 87
Real
Thinking of You Jun 2021
I keep having vivid dreams about you.
Almost every night.
Last night I had one that felt so real.
I was telling you how heartbroken I was and you were blowing it off, like you didn’t believe me.

Then you said:
“It’s dumb for someone like you to be that heartbroken about a guy like me.”

Was it actually just my subconscious or maybe it was something else, could it be real? Were we communicating on a dream plane?
Jun 2021 · 107
Choke
Thinking of You Jun 2021
When it happened I had so many things to say to you.
So much hurt to express.
So much anger to share.
I wanted to shove the intensity of my rejected love down your throat so you’d have to feel the whole of what you were turning away.
Like a large piece of steak being forced down.
I wanted your esophagus to ache with what you had to swallow.

I don’t have words now.
I know now you’ll never feel the entirety of my love.
You’ll never know the depth of my hurt.
No amount of words will make you feel the ache I do.
Jun 2021 · 469
Heartbreak
Thinking of You Jun 2021
No one is immune.
No drug will cure it.
No philosopher can properly describe the disease.
No scholar can logic away the infection.
It gets us all, eventually.
Jun 2021 · 88
Undertow
Thinking of You Jun 2021
I know I’m enough.
Enough has never been the issue.
It’s the too much.
I’m too ambitious.
I’m too outspoken.
I’m too commanding.
Can’t someone embrace my rawness?
To meet me where I am at fully.
To not die a death of shrinking to make someone comfortable.
You cannot still my waters.
I am have undercurrents too deep for you to reach.
Regardless of how vast my love is for you.
I cannot change them.
It’s who I am.
It’s what I am.
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