I tried to unblock my thoughts to feel something.
It was a bad idea.
I lay in bed
My thoughts void
The bad thoughts don't come
They're blocked
The good thoughts don't come
They don't exist
The void comes
An old friend
frozen coke
family matters
sack swing
hugs
at 822 Pine Avenue
late nights
pillow forts
peach cobbler dessert
at 822 Pine Avenue
headstands and trampolines
laughs
a front porch swing
at 822 Pine Avenue
wives tales & mud pies
at 822 Pine Avenue
pecan tree
bench beneath
singing in her sleep
at 822 Pine Avenue
bird fountain and basketball net
a ball needing air
popsicle stains on shirts
at 822 Pine Avenue
mining for rocks down the alley
papa's roof was dirty
at 822 Pine Avenue
birthday parties
coconut pies
drawing pictures in the front room
at 822 Pine Avenue
Geraldine stories
flash light animals
sleepovers with the twin beds pushed together
at 822 Pine Avenue
talking in her sleep
frying me bacon to eat
Sunday afternoon lunches
At 822 Pine Avenue
1 husband
3 kids
7 grandchildren
13 great grandchildren
at 822 Pine Avenue
i'm not sure how it works for normal people.
but i know how it worked for me.
it was june.
i was 21.
i got a call.
only a few months they said.
but i didnt understand, he's only 5.
how could this be.
how could god take something so new and special to me.
a few months ended up being 3.
he was buried in a kid-sized grave.
a family broken apart and a boy to never come of age.
before this loss i always thought there was a point.
a plan.
god must have things under control right?
but this made me think.
how could this little one suffer a short life and painful death of there was a loving god?
didnt seem loving to me.
didnt seem like it was real anymore.
didnt seem like there was a purpose anymore.
i dont think i comprehended death fully until that moment.
when i saw that little body lowered into the ground and realized it would never become big.
does it all just really stop?
is there no purpose?
Is it bad how good you make me feel?
Is it odd to feel this normal?
Is it dangerous how safe I am in your arms?
Is it bad I'm falling in love with you?
Because if so I'm bad.
And I know we won't be forever and we might not even be for long. And maybe you're not the one but your one. And maybe we don't match but neither do my socks or the plates in the kitchen. And maybe the end will be messy but so is my car and life. So why shouldn't we just enjoy it along the way?