my name is
it’s okay if you don’t have time for me
but mostly
I go by
I’m sorry
.
I’ve recycled all the ways to apologize
but I’m sorry
is the simplest
the sweetest
the one that makes me feel most
like I deserve to be wrong
.
Some days I apologize
so much
I’m sorry
for being sorry
and I still cant help
but think
that I’m not good enough
.
I’m sorry will be the words
I remember
when I’ve forgotten everything else
so I can make sure to say
I’m sorry for dying
but also I’m sorry for living
and mostly I’m sorry for taking up your time
.

he might tell you
draping over
your insecurities
his love is a gift
you don’t deserve
be grateful
.
he will own you
because owning
something
is better than
nothing
he’ll put pennies
in your pockets
to remind you
that you’re worthless
.
your arms only matter
when they’re wrapped
around his waist
at least they look
slimmer that way
.
you are his coatrack
where he’ll hang his
disappointment
don’t snap
when he gets
too heavy
don’t breath
when he needs
your air
don’t exist
when he wants
some space
.
live
in the confines
of when it is
convenient
.
don’t
unless he asks you to
.

He is going to peel me apart
gently
dissolve me
with his acid tongue
because he doesn’t know it hurts
.
He will cradle my head
in his hand
while he rips out my spine
so he can be my crutch
.
He is going to break me
and I am going to let him
.

I’ve separated myself
into boxes under the bed
and into cupboards
behind the important things
so there’s never a chance
I’ll get in the way
you can easily find
all the parts of me you need
and ignore all the rest
.

that you’ve taken
my brain away from me  
that my entire being
is consumed
by thoughts of you
I’ve never wanted
to belong to somebody
so much
.

"some bright nowhere
of broad fields and sunlight
that was my idea of heaven
one long afternoon"

“Night’s Thousand Shadows,” Christian Winman

Make yourself out of pieces
that don’t always fit
because not all puzzles
need to be finished.
Let yourself be good days
and bad days.
Days made out of
blanket forts and
Sundays and
some bright nowhere.

You don’t need
to ask for forgiveness
like individuality is a sin
promising God
that next time
you’ll get it right.
As if right is unwavering
and wrong can’t be fixed.
Life can just be made
of broad fields and sunlight.

Don’t grow old
as if age is
something important.
No one knows what way to grow
because up isn’t always best.
You can live in the sun
without reaching for light
Sometimes you can sleep
in the shadows of the grass.
That was my idea of heaven.

Don’t hide
behind a chorus
of the things you meant to do
like harmonized regret
pressed against the hope
that living
is following a formula.
Living can be
something simple, just
one long afternoon.

Can I borrow your pen from chap stick moist lips. There is chalk on your hands, some on her cheek. It washes off pretty easily.

Her polka dot dress sways with the wind, it’s in your favour. Holding hands down lit up boardwalks. Letting lazy breezes dance her hair to the sky. A picture worth a frame, but you’ll have to clear a space.

Short walks home turn to long conversation on coloured pavement. Jumping on the numbers you’ll slide into her pocket. Cracks make everything so beautiful.

You don’t count them on your way home anymore.

Most shared nights start with blissful lies told to the doorman. You’re going to a fancy party; you’ll probably sit next to someone famous. Lean on perfectly polished bannisters down golden stairs.

Party dresses attend cocktail parties and you’re the tux. She rests her hand. Tails and all like a penguin. Don’t they mate for life?

Laughing down gum stuck pavement. Her heel caught in the sidewalk, fractured. But you got to carry her letting fingers find homes in the places she bends.

You told the doorman another lie.

gently
engulf me
with the heat
of your body
it would
be a pleasure
to die
by your hands
.

I am sweet as tea and hard like dry earth
water me
smooth like slip you can build me with clay
you can live in my sun I will protect you
if you’ll let me
let me
why wont you let me
my fingers have lost the places they used to tap
snap
I am distracted by you
I move under your hands don’t let them empty
I would let you drown me because I thought you were the only water I would ever need
pick me up like chords and harmonize
with me
why do they always break at the bridge
crack when everything feels like it's going right
we can slow the speed please lets just not stop
you've left me with whiplash bruises and I
am still just milk to you

out of all the lives in the world
this one was meant for us
.

he goes by
shame
and
pride
and the fear
of feeling
too much
for something
that might turn out
to be nothing
.

and out of
like loving the sky
when the breeze is just right
and the stars
remind you of
freckles and
cities and
all the reasons
you left them behind
.

and cradle the clouds
between the calluses
on your fingers
sometimes
the rain may taste sweet
.
It will stain
the back of your tongue
where you let lies
swim behind your teeth
you’re a sticky
kind of sweet
.