There is something wrong
about the place, I belong.
Ever since you came along
everything has changed
but has it really changed?
or have I just changed?

The friends with whom I ranged
through their thickets are estranged.
They are the same
but their masks seem to be coming off.
Was it all fake and just a part of a game?

Now I am afraid to relapse to when I was seventeen,
the time I had no ear to tell my thoughts to,
for they would leave, judge, not understand and rumor me away.

All alone and bottled up;
I had only a paper to listen to me.
My innocence and guilt is withering
no one's heart is there to grasp
no one's hand is there to to hold.
Many may offer, but it no longer seems real no more.
Trust has been dissolved by the words that held no meaning.

My emotions are no longer the same.
My love is no longer pure.
My attachments are no longer etched to hearts no more.

The year is coming to an end
and everyone is leaving,
Even the ones I thought would never leave.
Although, they are still there physically
none seem to be left in my heart anymore

You may have changed everything,
the way I see people closest to me
But if I held on to you,
and let go of everyone around me;
the day you leave,
will leave me with no one by my side.

So I'll let everyone stay physically,
even when they've deserted me in internally.
I am going to try grasp myself,
The ever-changing soul within me
For I myself should be enough to keep on going.

Everything happens for a reason,
one of the important lesson I learnt with the change in season
and people.

Some moments hurt, scar and engrave
an important lesson.
Protecting you from future treason
Making you deal with it even better.
Some moments exhilarate happiness and positivity
Fueling you with love and treasuring the memories.

Some people come as blessings
Building homes in our hearts;
Helping us sail turbulent waves;
Acting as starlights in our dark sky.
While some leave us lessons
Vacating their homes in our hearts.

Twist is some, come back
and some only stay a flashback.
Some are are sent for exile
and some come back to reconcile.
People come and go.
Some drawing a smile on our face;
creating a beautiful and positive impact.
But leave for certain reasons,
To those people I am thankful,
to have had my paths cross with them.
And grateful to the ones who’s chaos and storms,
I survived and bloomed from.
Not forgetting about the ones who stayed
even when some left,
Appreciating them for still standing by my side till the very end.

I learnt everything is temporary; moments, feelings and people. I learnt everything happens for a reason. I learnt there is power in my losses and power in my wins. I learnt how everything is in a pair of two, memories and lessons; love and pain. I learnt it’s about letting yourself feel the pain and to express it. It’s about finding the ones who are worth suffering for. I learnt the value of kindness, softness and vulnerability and how the world tries to **** you of it. This year was of hurting bad but, living good as well. It was another year of making friends out of strangers and strangers out of friends. This year taught me so much about caring and standing up for myself. About forgiving, healing and growing from it. So here’s to another year of focusing on warm energy and surrounding myself with people who compliment it. Here’s to the inhalation of the point I’ve reached and soaking in it’s happiness. Here’s to new opportunities, new experiences and a new year.

Here’s to the ones who opened my mind to various other world that existed. Here’s to the ones who’s deep conversation enriched my mind, soul and heart. Here’s to the ones who kept me sane. Here’s to the ones who did constant grammar checks. Here’s to the ones who accepted my insanity, weirdness and quirkiness and stayed. Here’s to the ones that offered their ear to listen and hand to hold. Here’s to the ones who loved me the days I didn’t love myself. Here’s to the ones who believed in me the days I didn’t believe in myself. Here’s to the ones who would check up on me, just to see how am I doing. Here’s to the ones who sparkled my day with their random acts of kindness. Here’s to the ones who made me laugh a ton at their lamest of jokes. Here’s to the ones who built houses in my heart and kept it warm. Here’s to the ones who made my dark days bearable and this year extra special by being themselves.

2017 -
The year that broke some more illusions
The year that invited some more people
But also drove away some people.

A year of juxtaposition and contradiction
A year of memories and lessons
like any other year; just different.

2018 -
The clock strikes 12 and you enter
as the person who changed over the 365 days
and embrace the ride of highs to memories
and lows to lessons in the coming 365 days.
But you know it is just a change in number
even though it feels like an end to something
heart breaking and soul shaking
and the beginning of something different and beautiful.

“I wanted to hold on to someone. But even my inner circle seemed far away. Some seemed to not care about what I had to say. My life seemed unstable just like the chemicals in my brain. I just wanted someone to care, to actually truly care about me. Maybe they did, but I couldn’t see it. Maybe they were there offering their support but I was too deaf to hear it. Too blinded and deafened by my own pain and loneliness. I feel I have nothing to hold on to. Nothing. No purpose. No motive. No one. And when there is nothing, you find there no purpose to breathe.”

“It hurt. It hurt even more because you were close to me. It hurt because I cared about what you thought and said. You mattered to me, and that created a soft spot for you. But you left me. You betrayed me. You lied with the empty words. And you pushed me every time I came close with an act of care.
Now you say I am cold and emotionally distant. But that’s what I had to do to avoid being crippled by the emotional and mental wounds and scars, for I had enough. I am not a fool anymore; I know how this goes. Because every time I open up, all it does is hurt. So now every time you hurt me, the less I cry. Every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry. And every time you walk out, the less I love you. Because every time it happens, the less you matter to me. So I am not going to let you close to me, even though you mean the most to me and I mean the most to you; in case you leave me in the dirt. Because the truth is baby, I am just protecting my innocence, heart, mind and soul now.”