My touch screen won't work,
Touch  me and make me scream
So I know it won't hurt
Mental illness, is a killer.
I won't eat, I must punish
I crave pain
My stomach is as empty as children's playgrounds in chilling winter.
No reason to be hungry,
but I want to look great.
I haven't received any
friend request today

i once was free
but i let you tie my hands, my feet
and tighten,
until the person i was
evaporated
with ropes, chains, prison bars
you held me up until i forgot
how to stand without you

i once was free
but i let you drown me,
despondent at the bottom of the sea.
i waited so long to breathe
choking, gasping, panicking,
until i didn't care
to breathe anymore;
until i didn't know how to.

i once was free,
but like fire ravaging underfoot,
i let you consume me.
you chewed away at my sanity
with every bite
counting, measuring, running
just until the fat was gone
until i,
was gone.

i once was free,
but then you pushed me
a little too far this time
who knew i would end up here.
"i just wanted to be skinny"
i repeated
"i just wanted to be skinny"
until all i wanted was to be
dead.

and there i was,
holding on by a string.
the same string you tied
around my waist, and then,
around my neck
and pulled tighter,
tighter,
i once was free.

inhaling smoke from fire and
it feels good
and it pleasantly washes down a shot of imported gold
but i can still breathe, and
the burn in my gut tells me i haven't yet had enough

so, i reach for one more

and i reach for one more
and i reach for one more
and i reach for one more

soon the page is blurry
and the vision is clear;
making no less than total sense

it begins at birth;
you cannot escape the hurt

just as energy is never destroyed
it is merely transferred

pain[.]

Energy to speak
And breath to engage with you;
Not enough for math.

i feel your energy surging through me
-
through the veins that keep me breathing
and the scars that keep me fighting
(though i wish they didn't)
through the extremities of my fingers
all the way to my tippy toes
-
your energy is all i need


i feel your smile energise me
-
through your whitened teeth
and your crooked beam
through the timid smile i can't help but create in response
i know with all of my soul
you are far brighter than a thousand suns combined
-
your smile is all i need


i feel your breaths complete me
-
through your oxygen
that circulates through my body
through my detritus that yearns for you
(and just you)
i've come to realise
you've become my only supply
-
your breaths are all i need

Yes, both of you keep your mouths shut.
You've developed enough hatred in me toward you.
Luckily, years of intense anger have made these moments short-winded,
Transitioning quickly into an outlet.
Yes, productivity follows
In the form of art.

We are all the leftover misfits people had promised to make room for but never did. We are all the scribbles the doodler swore to make art out of someday, but were never given the chance; the ugly friend, the childhood scar housing reminiscent places, familiar feelings. And somehow amongst the muck and the **** people tend to label as having friends we pulled through with the title, 'there' for them. There. Funny, how one word can invoke such feelings of those who remember what that word actually means when you speak with intent on your tongue. There.

How we were 'there' for them; dealing with their choices, while they're looking for security in a storm, when there's rain flooding the highest peaks of our reticence.

We are there. Somehow we found each other. In this weird **** world we all managed to uniquely fit the structures of what we called love into the base of what we knew.  And our laughs broke the deepest silences, our voices chimed past the furthest room, and our judgments didn't exist because we were the best parts of the few.