I went to church today after years of not going. I talked to the pastor and poured my sorrows to him. Something hard to do is asking for help and suffering in silence. We aren't meant to suffer in silence. I've learned a lot about accountability finding others we can trust to help us because we can't do things alone. Thank you friends for holding your men accountable and trying to get them to meet men who can hold each other accountable emotionally and physically. I know who I am but it was also because I've suffered and sought myself. I love you ladies

It broke me in silence
To know he wasn’t aware
To pretend and lie to me
That I wasn’t truly loved
That he used me
That everything I felt was true
I was gaslit
I was duty
It was conditional
It was all a performance
He gave me crumbs to keeps me hoping
Words became empty
Because the actions weren’t there

Awakening to the reality
Of what was really happening
Broke me
And still I hoped he would change
I thought his patience meant he cared
It was to keep me quiet as he did what he wanted
He said why can’t I accept him as he is
I said I can’t betray myself anymore

Went to therapy
But therapy is really self reflection
A therapist just helps guide you see what you're thinking
asking questions to help u dive into your thoughts
What you put in is what you get

Talking to others I trust
I love my spouse
But we’ve hurt each other
Evolving comes with transition
We both needed to heal individually
When I react he shuts down
When he shuts down
Old patterns sweep in
Anxiety hits
I feel controlled
Am I able to be myself
Arguments without resolution creates turmoil
Conversations with understanding bridges the gap

Emotional connection requires u to look at yourself in how u show up for others how u perceive things to be and why u feel that way

I am whole because I am not my conditions anymore I am still w flaws but I accept them and I'm learning and growing
I have always been me but without the upbringing I grew up in
I realize I was able to change because I had others who believed in me
Others to challenge the normalization of my conditions
Others who gave me a new perspective a new outcome
I looked and I found
Intentions
Manifesting
Courage
Resilience
Strength
Love
Compassion
Encouragement
Trust
Awareness

He says he loves me,
When things go his way
He loves me not,
when I have a say
If I say no
He takes his love away….
I want space
He makes accusations
The doors don’t lock, he barges in
Throwing chaos in my face
I ask him
Why is it I can’t speak
He manipulates and then blames me
No apology
No remorse
I think it’s me

I give in to this misery
Thinking this is life
Years go by
I did what I was conditioned to do
I wasn’t alive

It takes one person to see my worth
Not to save me but to encourage me
She plants a seed inside my head
I see I am not as weak as I may have thought
I take the leap to run through the fire
I am resilient
I am responsible for me
I am no longer my circumstances

If you could see yourself reaching to your sisters for connection to let them know you're thinking about them

Is it possible or too scary to think about? To be vulnerable and honest with them about your thoughts

You are capable of love and compassion
I know this because I have this with you
I know every relationship is different

When communication is built on assumptions and perceptions rather than clarity and understanding it's so easy for feelings to get hurt and for conflicts to go unresolved

You are a good person
You have good intentions
I hope you reach out to your sisters
We all need connection

To My Love,

We survived.

Through the storms, through the silence, through the ache of not being understood
we are still here. Not perfect, not untouched, but held. By something greater than both of us.

We searched for freedom, both in our own ways, and we didn’t know it then, but the search was the meaning. In that longing, we found God. And in God, we found that we were already whole.

The devil tried to break me. Tried to convince me that pain was my portion. But he didn’t see the strength of the Spirit living in me. Or the quiet, stubborn hope that still lives in you.

We pour into each other, even when we feel empty. And somehow God fills us back up.

We still hope for one another. And that hope? That’s love. That’s grace. That’s us.

I believe in who we’re becoming, not by force, not by fixing but by remembering who we already are in Him.

I'm not rejecting you I just don't want to be made small anymore.
There's things you kept hidden from yourself and I'm seeing it for what it is.
I'm not against you but I know I can't do the work you need to do for yourself.
It's never been about not accepting you it's that I had to shrink myself to fit what u wanted and I can't do that anymore

You already have your gifts and strengths.
If you feel good it's an illusion because I've told u I've been neglected and I can't do it anymore.
It's not enough

It's interesting to think of war and how it shows so much of the destruction others can do and how there's so much evil in war itself because there's no rules
only when u come back home do you come back to the structure of rules and regulations placed. You feel like a different person yet u have to pretend like nothing happened.
You have to forget things that have changed you because others don't understand what happened to you in war.
I guess there's the guilt and pain of loss.
Did you get to grief or are you holding in the grief? Have u forgiven yourself or those you had to leave behind?
There's so much balance needed in how you buried the pain that needs to come to light that made you who you are.

I guess what I'm sensing is there's a lot of unspoken things you wish you could express but haven't had a chance to say and it could feel like betraying ur family but it's really betraying yourself if you don't address what it is you had to let go of.
I also don't need to know it's between you but if you wanted to journal or just be in your thoughts,
I think it would help you sort what you may have suppressed.
You feel just as much as anyone and love even in your quiet state.
You aren't an inconvenience
Your voice matters.
When u find your voice you can tell others what you think and there will be no fear or doubt. Don't let your insecurities or conditions growing up dictate how u show up for yourself and others

She repeats patterns she learned from home.
She is blinded by her actions.
Justifying what happened.
She’s the hurt one,
not them.
She knows the answers.
No one listens.
That’s her truth.
People leave.
They don’t agree.
She’s alone,
Saying, why me?
Until the pain is too great to change,
She’ll see herself as a victim,
and continue living the same.
Isolated.

I have to heal my inner wounds.
I have to face reality.
I contributed to this relationship. (Mess)
I feel remorse.
I am ashamed.
I’m ready to start,
and face my inner pain.
In time I see,
I am at peace.
Thank you, me,
Thank you for not giving up.

My drive down was peaceful
I was on my own
Independent
Free from obligations

Expectations
Fun but shallow activities
No one talks
Games are a distraction
Cooking and eating is a task in itself

Am I the elephant in the room?
Everyone has expectations
We take photos
I’m the photographer
No one listens
Everyone’s talking
I’m dismissed
“I’m like why am I taking your photos if you can’t listen to my directions?”
Everyone is already triggered
Some want it to be over with
Some want more photos
Some don’t like the poses
Some want candid shots

I’m mean. I’m rude. I escalated. I’m the one everyone blames. Because of my energy. Because of my reaction. I’m also triggered.
I tell them you all can’t look at yourselves
You want to blame me
You won’t even apologize
Even now my spouse pretends he’s the good guy
I’m the crazy one

I don’t even care for my spouse
He’s just there
He made excuses for why he wouldn’t come the other day
It comes down to my reaction
Never his own faults

He’s the one who told me not to come on the trip
The kids had to choose between him or me
This trip I planned with my sister
A trip he didn’t help pack or support me with
I packed the kids things, the food
All he did was get himself ready
I’m used to doing it all

I remember I’m the scapegoat
In the family
In my marriage
No one wants to be uncomfortable
Yet I’m the one who has to keep performing
I’m the one blamed for my reactions
I’m the one who has to apologize
Everyone deflects
Everyone is unaware
I’m so tired
Sick of this environment
I’m the one who has to say sorry
No one else will I’m sure
It’s all so tiring

I’m reflecting
I am hurt
But I know they are too
I apologize when I’m ready
I’m overwhelmed and didn’t feel supported
They tell me they love me and hug me
It’s good to know we still love each other
There’s no resentment
I am content
For this moment I will enjoy
That….
We’re at peace
We’re a family

Abuse

It’s not black or white
No one will understand
I went through something
I’m still processing
I am sad but I don’t understand why
I am loved and I am in pain
Why can’t they stop hurting me
I’m too young to protect myself
I need to protect them
I need it to stop
Why can’t they see I’m hurt
It’s all a blur
Memories are a blur
The feelings remain
I’m ashamed
I’m angry
I cry for my family
I cry for me

I was never the reason
I was a choice he chose not to prioritize

I took on his burdens
I thought he loved me
He couldn’t love himself

Going in circles
If I don’t give in
I’m made to stay small

I finally stood up for myself
I said no more
I screamed
I yelled
I said *******
I called his mom
I told my mom

I am not his
He is not mine
I am my own source of strength
It crushed me
My world of us is gone
I felt it
I forgave
I am not carrying his faults anymore

Those who haven’t done self healing will never be at peace in their minds
Spiritually god is always with us in our minds in our thoughts and the devil is winning because Society is man, not God
Society made the Bible fit their purpose
The Bible was always a book on self love, Self reflection
The pain, the guilt and shame you feel Is the conditions or trauma you've endured
Society used it to control and manipulate which is what our world has become.
We're a world leading lost sheep.
Generations lost because we don't know who we truly are.
Only those who gain understanding of themselves will find Gods words in the Bible were for you. The Bible is not to be interpreted by man to use for their own gain.
Society lies.
We need connection
We need community We need each other
We are humans who need community
Church is not just a temple
If you ever do the work to heal your inner wounds you will find peace
Peace in your heart
Society…you have to question everything u were taught but u also have to see past your perception of reality

Ponder this…
We were never born of sin.

We were born in God’s image.

And God is not broken.
He is perfect.

He is love.

He is good.

He is whole.
So we were born whole.
Sin is real…
But it is not our origin.

It is not our identity.

It’s a distortion, a distraction—
A veil over the truth.
And the truth is…
You were never broken.

You were always loved.
You are still whole.
Remember who you are.

Remember that inner voice calling you back.

Heal this generation.

Rewire our children to know:
 We are not born of sin.

We are born of wholeness.
And if we remember…
Our children’s children can know generational peace.

I’m sorry to put this emotional weight on you.
I see now why i was so drawn to you and it was my ability to be vulnerable with u.
chasing a feeling that will fade if not nurtured.
I didn't heal my wounds and how could I when I didn't know my inner demons.
Wishing you happiness, knowing that I’ll always love you. I know the me I was and the me l need to be would require me to leave u behind.
It's a boundary we can't keep crossing because I know where I want to go and for u as well,
I have to keep growing and not do this anymore. I held onto u but it's time to say goodbye for good

My kids
Broken home
If he won’t grow
I need to go
I can’t take on his pain

He’ll continue to hurt me
Hurt the kids with his pride

He lacks effort
He lacks responsibility
He lacks trust
He lacks love

I wish I could help him
Save him from himself
He doesn’t want my love
He doesn’t see my value
Doesn’t see the life we could have
Instead he pushes me away
He sabotages my soul
Puts it on me
Says me or him
We both can’t go on this trip
Making kids choose
Too young to understand
Too young to be broken

First love

It was me I missed.

I miss the me that loved so freely,

the me that trusted you to protect me.

I loved you because I loved me then.

I was vulnerable.
I was naive.
I gave in willingly to be yours—
just to feel something.
You took me for granted.

You found someone new.

Yet you came back, time and time again.

I was your safe place,
your comfort.

You are selfish!
I’m left to pick up the pieces
,
whenever you decide to leave.
I let you back in,
but I grew numb….no I am numb—not knowing if I even wanted you back anymore.
I know we both care,
 but we both had growing up to do. I had to learn to do so without you.
I cannot carry your pain
 and carry mine too.

Time heals, words fade.
 Actions show.
You’re a beautiful mistake.
I choose me, not you.