Intensity in a writer is easy to spot
its in the callus on the finger that braces the pen
Its in the way she cannot breathe
when she looks at you
or until she finishes that line.
It's in the way you lose her for hours
as she writes, or reads, or paints you in poetry.
Its the way she tries to find words
that work better than I love you
Its that her love letters are 4 pages long
its the way she laments not being able to convey
exactly how she feels
its that sometimes her words don't seem to be constructed of ink
but life blood.
and that she is not flesh and bone
but paper and ink
She'll leave bruises with teeth
scratches with too short nails
because for just a moment she wants to consume you
we are all like that
we just want to be in your blood
to infiltrate your mind only for a moment.
It's in that she'll always remember the things that hurt you
every scar you've ever shown.
but not what she had for breakfast
it's her propensity for addiction
she'll say you make her want to be better
do not doubt her
you are the sky, the ink well, the page...
you are every beautiful passage
she doesn't love anything the way she loves words
you are words.... you are the thing itself.
you are the only thing even close in beauty
to the page.

The Sea World commercial
Tells me
Amazing and real only exist together
In one place.
They must have never met your eyes.

But after hearing about what
Happens
On the other side of the glass,
I can't help but think both
Are false advertisement.

I am not perfect,
nor do I wish to be.
I want to fall in love
with every single flaw
and I want to fight
relentlessly to shape
this tiny moment of
existence I've been
given into something
meaningful and emerge
from this bottomless pit
an unstoppable force,
fearless and beautiful.

I found you, I found you in the midst of all my darkness where only the thought of ever finding meaningful love again resided. You gave me life, breathed it into my very soul and made it so the hole I had within me subsided. Your words gave hope, your hand gave warmth, your eyes gave wisdom but your heart never gave. I never had you from the very beginning, the illusion I had was fallacious yet I still have aspirations of your love and our empire for without my king my reign is meaningless. I will never sleep without you in my dreams, I will never ponder without you in my thoughts, I will never love without you in my heart. I gave you all, not much left to give, so now it's time I figure how to live. Now it's time I learn yet another lesson, one that has been the most pain filled. What is there to rebuild when my foundation has broken into thousands of pebbles, will my insides ever be fulfilled?
You were my truth, you were my justice in the world that's cold and broken you were my peace. I gave you too much, I gave you my soul that wasn't mine to give. I gave you my breath while I drowned and you never noticed. My intention was to keep you afloat, away from hurt, away from evil and away from sadness. I'm left standing still, I'm left to sink, to bear a burden of the forever I promised in silence and alone. The love I bear for you that burns has turned my warm heart to stone.
In gathering my ultimate fear of losing you, I face this more afraid than I've ever been, for the growing emotions inside me of thinking forward to a future that you may not be is not a future I wish to dwell. Hopes that flush away I bring back for looking into your eyes motivates me to try and try and try more. By your side I will be, hoping, praying, and waiting until the time you seek is found.

tell me why
          you wouldn't look me in the eyes
tell me why
          he denied he grabbed me in between my thighs
tell me why
          you wouldn't bother to TRY to tell me that

I COULDNT HAVE ASKED FOR IT AT 12 YEARS OLD.

this is the fear that paralyzes me daily.
this is the fear I have fought to take away.
a fear you will NEVER understand.

and that is why I say: PLEASE do not minimize my pain because
you
have
the
privILEGE
      


                   of not experiencing molestation yourself.

I've been told that I care too much.
And this is actually true.
My heart is too big,
Too open,
Too willing to simply give.
That I need to pull back some,
I come off too strong.

Its very hard for me to hate someone,
It's just something that I do.
You can hurt me,
Way down in my core,
Emotionally, Physically, Mentally
But You will still have part of my heart.

Some people say that this isn't good,
that its a curse.
How so?
I love people,
Yes, maybe more than I should.
But do people complain about loving too much?
Shouldn’t we be more concerned about those that aren’t loved enough?
Those that go through life broken, and damaged?

I am simply one person,
Who cares.
A lot for the people around me.
Strangers, people I’ve only met briefly,
Friends since birth, and yes,
Even you.

The barrier of poison and ****
                    You're better than us
                   A metal chassis of rust
                                           Anonymous.
This and that and jist and just
                     An abyss full of fuss
                                   No love or lust
                                            Anonymous.
Cease to speak or discuss
                    A might or a must
                         The empty pie crust
                                             Anonymous.
Preference to throw or ******
                       Detest and disgust
                         To cry or get crushed
                                             Anonymous.

And then you changed
With each passing day I saw you in
A different light.
But I didn't mind
Because I knew I was just starting
To see you clearly.

I'm so tired,
So tired of it all.

I'm tired of the sadness and tears;
Of the loneliness and despair,
Of the constant silence and emptiness.

I'm tired of the fear and darkness;
Of the memories that crawl through my mind,
Of the shame and terror they inspire.

I'm tired of the lies and pretending;
Of the words that leave my mouth,
Of the false "I'm fine" phrases.

I'm so tired,
So tired of it all.

I'm tired of the worries and stress;
Of the horrible scenarios,
Of the amazing scenarios.

I'm tired of the headaches and pain;
Of the emotions cartwheeling around,
Of the spiritual and emotional drain.

I'm tired of the heartache and failure;
Of the feeling of never being enough,
Of the quiet before it all hits.

I'm so tired,
So tired of it all.

I can not follow you to the other side, I've just barely got my foot into the stairwell. I've already completed my downward spiral.
I am sick, but I am not diseased or viral.Being in love feels so overrated.
There is no passion and my feelings are becoming outdated.
Spoiled, it seems by past comparisons, when the time comes,
by former beings which portrayed more enthusiasm.

I feel like an old trinket that was gained in a war, fought long and suffered for. For that is what happened as i rolled down each step,
Each one like My Last Breath.
i have no comfort, nor solace, nor common ground in these tattered feelings that I am abound.

How absurd is my Fate?
Always aware a Little Too Late.