On the worst of days, I had nightmares of civility.

the calm I once craved, that which gives me breath

the very thought fills me with dread.

Promises unfulfilled, years later, forgotten.

But this time, they’re better left lost.


I never asked for this now.

Reminders of my lacking.


On the worst of days, I could still hear

the tearing of pages. Words pushed between

feathers half-hoping no one would hear
them.


Sometimes I think you did.

Sometimes I think you heard every word I craved,

took each one and pinned them to your eyelids

just to help you remember. Because you wanted to remember


On the worst of days, I still have nightmares

of civility, or savagery, I can no longer tell.

The quiet I thought I deserved within reach

only separated by the wall of actuality.

To think the hopes pulsing so lively in my veins

saw themselves stop with no intention of returning.

To this day, I still have nightmares

even as the rain stopped pouring.

I find myself clawing at the rays of light.
The way they flood and cease. Rivers to droplets
seeping through the cracks in the wooden walls.
They run through the gaps in my fingers too,
sometimes they go right through me.
Blood and veins glowing from the seams.
I can never figure out where they come from.
Or why they choose to illuminate me.
There are beauties in the world that beg
to be seen. They deserve the light I receive.
I want to give it all away. My spot in the visible.
Give me the silence of the dark. The empty
that surrounds. I’ve longed to wear it again
like a second skin; cold and comfortable.
I want to return to the dark I know I am worth.
Unseen, unheard, unbroken.

I like the light that bathes me.
and how it feels like wind.
But I feel the way it cuts
and I think it’s been too long.

Theres no more room for lingering words
What has been said is all that can be
Because the letters left with your finger tips
As they passed what's left of mine.
My ears stay numb save for the last exhausted goodbye.

It's been 45 minutes since the last time I felt my own heart beat. People don't usually think about it while it's going but it always seemed too loud to me. Like rain drops falling on thin sheet roofs on sundays when you planned to go out. Maybe it's the quiet. The kind that never quite cut through, always drowned out by the monotonous drone of humps and beats in the chest but this time it did. This time I heard quiet. Only the low hum of wind passing through slit beneath the door remained. And you sat there, watching, like something was supposed to happen. You sat there, waiting, even when room went dark.

The last few months have been horrible
like wind next to your voice
there isn’t any connection but lightning
the whole point is to do better
than the ones that don’t have control
the crowd put a border around you
someone will encourage you to just give up
You’re being buried under thousands
of other people talking.

It’s better safe than sorry. Say “Hello,
welcome” Ask them questions; don’t argue
You are not the best at this but try

Set up a stream. Watch it set.
someone may join, keep going.
even when things go wrong.

When day break faded into dusk, youth
crumbled with folly. I was needed.
so I promised I'd be strong

When your faulty fingers fell into
the openness of mine. I was wanted.
so I promised I'd be strong

When the voices once hiding bared fangs
and solace left with silence. I was lost.
but I promised I'd be strong.

When I searched for only sanity
but found cigarettes instead. I was burning
I can't promise to be strong.

I like to imagine my body
****** and riddled with holes
across the sidewalk pavement
For nothing greater than for love
Love for the people I know
For the people I dont
For the hope that tomorrow,
There wont be another like me
For every martyr has a mother
And every mother needs her son

You've such a beautiful smile

you give it to everyone you see

I wish  you'd keep one for yourself though.

but no matter.

You can have my smile for today

and for every tomorrow to come.

I was born with glass in my veins

Let the shards out through slits in the wrist

But somehow a few found its way to my heart

With equal part pain and equal part promise

To bring me an end in the most colorful of fashions

A rush of bright red out the chest

And a flush of pale white in my face

I wondered what it was like to love

But then again, I guess I always knew

Some poems I write on paper
Paper I'll burn later that day
So that all that'll remain
Are the beats in my chest
And the aches in my head

Some poems i hold on to
So that after years from writing
When memory fails
And hearts beat to different tunes
All that'll remain
Are words inked on paper.

They tell me lightning won't strike me again
but then again, when
have hollow words wavered will
wrought of steel,
we'll feel fire
formed from dying sparks
fading hearts, long walks in parks
darkness drenched in rain
maybe it could numb the pain
it would, it should, maybe
it could do good
mended masks on burnt faces
found in places showing stolid smiles
sewn under tired eyes
hours fly, farewells, goodbyes
cut ties
but
I swear to you
lightning will strike me again
and all I'm wondering is
when

It's not that I'm not loved.

I am. I know

I know that I have friends and family who love me

and I know that even you, darling, love me. I guess..

But why is it that....

I am never loved the most?

I know, spare me the lecture, I know that I am loved

but I also know that time spent with me is stagnant air

times spent with me are cancelled plans with another

times spent with me are a rain check for another day

times spent with me are placeholder names on a table

times spend with me are proxy representatives

time spent with me is pepsi because they ran out of coke


I know I know I am not the sun

I am not the light in anyones lives

and I am certainly not the center.

I do not stand out

I do not distinguish myself

I am not outstanding

and I am barely scratching the threshold

of just "ok"


I know that you loved me

and maybe you still do.

and I really hope you're happy with her now

but know I still wonder why

why is it you loved her more.

You came at night
where no light ever survived
from the night you arrived
but no you werent blind
you had a spark lit in side
and it let you see
beneath my sea
and crashing waves
graves that filled my head
all of them wishing me dead
graves of my words and dreams
you shared your light in beams
like streams into my sea
see, you never were the pain
you were all I stood to gain
and again and again
since I was ten
just a page without a pen
then with lighting
you came as rain
you were all that kept me sane
but all was sadly lost
cause to be sane one heart's the cost

So much power
Contained within metal.
You feel the cold pressed on to your head
and like the gods you begin
a crescendo of thunder and and lightning
a roar and a flash
then quiet.
Only quiet

I pushed you away
when you loved me the
most
what have I done
what have I done

now the nights all gray
I dont want to run
dont want to run

maybe the storms finally blown over
and I can see my smoking gun
know you werent just a lover
darling, you were the sun
you were the sun

so farewell, goodbye
goodbye, farewell
or maybe this isnt it?
maybe youre not
youre not, youre not
dont with all of my *******

but I dont know how to tell you
that maybe I am through
I am through, with you
(I love you)
no, I'm definitely not
through
with you

Sometimes I wonder
whatever happened to that girl
the one I talked to
'til 2 am about everything
about her intricacies
and weaknesses
and vulnerabilities
and hopes and dreams and regrets
I still dream of that girl.
The one that would hold me tight
on nights where cold cut far past skin
and on days when the sun shone second brightest

I still dream of that girl.
and hope she's doing fine.
I hope she still writes poems like before
with ink flowing like blood
I hope she gets enough to eat
she's always been so thin
I hope she remembers to love herself every once and awhile
and I hope she still remembers me
because I remember her
and I don't think I'll forget soon

please.
remember me.

I lay there. Back to the earth
eyes to the sky, walls broken
teeth chattering from cold
with only stars and moonlight

I spoke of you.
spoke of you oh so fondly
to your friend who saw my pain
"it's going to hurt" she says
"it already does" I say
"it's going to keep hurting" she says
"I know" I say
"are you ready?" she asks
"no"
"but are you still going to wait?"
"yes"

When I look around

At all the fallen poets around me

Friends, family, strangers.

I think of you.

You who blessed my fingertips

You who gave my heart so much

And took a way much more

I think of how

Your hand no longer

Moves as mine does.

But I know.

I truly know you are happy

Where you are.

But I stand here,

With ink and sorrow,

To live out what you gave me.

A hand that writes

And a heart alight

But what about the days

the days we wake up with a sigh

and we can't help but ask why

why o' why did I not die

in my sleep. We do our best

"am I not strong like all the rest"

"Has life just put me to the test"

full of questions and no solutions

no rest or retribution

am I destined to live like this

begging god for a clear wrist

Soon I'll be gone and not be missed

Soon I'll be gone like all the rest

We look
At shooting stars with eyes of hope
That maybe god will help us cope
Or we wont be found at end of rope
At shooting stars we ask for hope.
We ask for hope.
We ask for hope.

We stare
At fading scars with eyes of pain
You wonder if beneath was vein
And maybe next I'll aim for my brain
With this in turn might end the pain
Might end the pain
Might end the pain.

Go.

Out into the world.

With storms and salty seas

And scorching heat and sand

With flowing rivers and forests

Degrees of wonder from stone to boulder

People from all over.

Each with faces painted.

Different stories and songs

That would bring you to tears.

Or fill you with joy.

Go

Out.  And have your fill.

And once you've seen all there is to be seen

Felt all there to feel

And loved all manners of people.

I'll be here.

Waiting.

Right where you left me.

I think maybe

I gave too much

For too long

It feels like theres nothing

Left to take.

Nothing left to give.

And the center of my body

Where I  used to keep

Every whisper of love for you

For me. For everyone.

It just feels

Lighter.

It may be empty now.

But thats me now.

Nothing like before

But thats me now.

Now, the cold.

The cold doesn't hurt so much

I held out my hand to you and said

"lets leave behind everything we no longer need as we enter the New Year"

You looked at me, smiled, then walked away




"Oh"

As the new set of days rolls in

I am overcome with dread

Over the truth that nothing...

Nothing really changes tomorrow

At least no more than any other day.

I guess this is it

Welcome to the New Year

You loved what I could do for you, not me.

This is a message.

The last one you'll get from me

1) I love you.

2) you loved me. But not anymore

3) I do not need space. I've only ever needed two things. First is air and next is you

4) of all the things in your life that took up your time. I was the first and only one to fall

5) Don't say I took up too much of your time when you mean you grew tired of me

6) you asked me to wait, but you won't be coming back.

7) you will find someone better

8) I'll wait.

9) you've let go.

10) I will not.

As I've said, this is not a poem.

It is a message. The last one I'll send you for awhile

My nights were too long

So you left

with every part of me

that mattered.



Goodbye.

First of all you must know that death
Does not always come in bright flashes
of black and red.
Sometimes, he comes in subtle waves
of blue and green.
Death does not always appear so suddenly
sometimes death crawls. Inches its way
into your heart and makes itself loved.
Enticing the victim with peace and warmth
do not listen.

one.
It starts with the first day you can't get out of bed.
The first day death holds you down and embraces you.
With your arms weighed down by lead shackles
and every breath you take takes in sand in place of air

two.
Death is now your friend
and you welcome him freely inside not knowing
what he has planned for you.
At this point you may find red streaks all over your body
in the form of cuts and scratches
He will tell you its's because he's trying to get out.
He will convince you that these cuts.....
they will make you better.
He will maintain that it is true because
He says that you'll bleed out the broken shards
of glass left inside your veins.
Afterwards he will ask
"Now, doesn't that feel better?"
it will.
and then maybe
He will tell you about the pills.
He will tell you that these pills are special.
Made specially for you to cure the crazy you thought you always had
the crazy you probably always had...
you don't really remember anymore.
He will tell the best part of the pills
He will tell you that it doesn't matter what kind
you just have to take enough and it'll be ok.

three.
the last sign that death has invaded your body
is this.
You will wake up in the morning with little to no recollection
of all you've been through. You go about your day as if
all is right with the world.
but at night, you find yourself sitting at the ledge
of your 25th floor apartment window .
then
He's in.

Here is a letter
Because my hand moves
More smoothly and fluid
Than my tongue and my
Blood rolls down my finger-
Tips painting pages better
Than words roll past my lips
To speak poetry so...
One. I'm sorry i hurt you
You let me into the darkest
Parts of you and I, like a child
Holding a bucket of paint
In a white room, ruined you
I'm sorry.
Two. You forgave me.
Thank you.
You wiped clean every streak
Of pain i drew on your walls
and yes, i left some stains
But you are beautiful still.
You always have been.
Three. You love me, and I
Love you.
I do not believe love is magic
Love is patient as you are with
Me and it is quiet
Like i am with you and love
Love is human.
It lives and dies
And i hope it dies with me
Four. You will lose me
One last time. Before the end
I will hurt you and everyone
I hold dear. One last time.
Five. I will never tire of seeing
Your face. It will keep me sane
In our years apart.
And six. I will wait. Here where
Its calmer. I will wait for when
Your hair grays and teeth yellow
And when your memory shifts
Like sand and you forget us
I will wait. And when you finally
See me here
Seven. I will listen to every story
You had since i left and i will hear
About every single morning you
Spent with another and i will
Eight. I will tell you i love you. For
The first time since i left i will tell
You again, i love you. Fresh
Off my tongue like the first time
I uttered those three words
I love you.

Are my words worth reading?

How long does it take you to decide?

3 lines in?

Maybe 4?

If you made it this far, what do you think?

Do you think my words will be

Only just what you want to see?

Words of love or pain

or whats lost or maybe found?

Could this be written in blood

trickling down my fingertips?

Could my words be only yawns

and sighs or relief or retreat?

Could they be calls....

warning the the weary wanderer

reading.

Could my words mean nothing

Just plain, empty ink

sprawled across the smooth white plain?

Could I have wasted your time?

Wasted each movement of your eye

as it pans across the cold, hard screen.

You tell me.

You're the one who read this far.

Well, you did it.
You left me. And though
you maintain that you did it
for me
I will always believe you did it
because of me

Because from day one I knew
I'd love you far more
than you would ever love me
and I knew I could be the clouds for you
I gave all of me. To you.
In the rain, but you let me through you
you let the pieces of me roll off your skin
like droplets of rain that fell to the ground
and seeped down far beneath the earth
to where I am now
which I can only assume to be hell
because you're not here. And I am.


I  l̶o̶v̶e̶d  love you.
and I really thought you were the one
and you told me I was the one.
But I held on too tight. I know I'm sorry
I messed up too much. I know, I'm sorry
and when you said I needed to learn to live
on my own I said
Ok, I'm sorry.

But I thought
finding the one meant you never had
to know how to be alone again
I thought finding the one
meant you would never have to feel alone
again
I thought finding  the one meant
I would never have to feel my head pounding
and my heart racing in a crowded room
because I felt alone because
I thought I'd have you.

It seems I thought wrong.
wrong like when I actually believed you
when you said
you l̶o̶v̶e loved me.

People say I'm lonely
but underneath gales and waves of solitude
I am not lonely
I am alone.

Just as I should be
I hear your words fly around me
As if I'm oil in the sea of people

But I am the blinding lightning
I am the roaring winds
I am the torrential downpour
and I am sorry

I am sorry for all of me
I am sorry for all my screams
that thundered through your skies

I am sorry for my tides.
Tides of love that flooded
through your veins

I am sorry for all of me.
But light comes.
My winds fall silent.
Light breaks through my skin.
Thunder and Lightning disappear

So please, stop worrying
I am dying down.
Just please, wait me out.

You tell me not to worry
as if it's something I can turn off
like it's something to get over
like it's something I should just
stop

You tell me to stop worrying
but that's like telling me to stop breathing

And all I want to say is I've tried both
and neither worked out.

We don't get better.

We just get used to the hurt.

I've been to places unimaginable

I've fought beast on planes unfamiliar

killed demons within

walked on fields of glass

and waded through oceans of fire

only to not love you

but I still do.

I was a broken toy
with uses finished
food long gone bad
a ticket long past date
but you picked me up
and saw not garbage

In me you saw brand new
Happiness
In me you saw comfort
after a horrid day at school
In me you saw silence
after screams and shouts of anger
In me you saw laughter
like a milk mustache or children in snow

In me.... you saw sadness
Sadness you spend your life trying to escape
Sadness you hate
you loathed
but still, sadness you let in

In me you saw madness
it was madness I saw in me too
but still you loved me

So in you, oh divine, you
I see purpose
and it's all I've ever needed.