I’m ok for now
But I can’t stop fearing the worst
Can’t stop watching the horizon
For the crushing wave -
This is too good,
And I know that it’ll end eventually.

LETMETATTOOMYFINGERSACROSSYOURSKIN
ETERNITYISNOTLONGENOUGH
THISIS­FOREVERTHISISTRUE
MYSOULISYOURS
EVERYTHINGINEEDISYOU
BEMYSUNMYMOO­NMYSTARSMYUNIVERSE
REVEALTHEFIRESOFYOURHEARTTOME
EVENTHEMORNINGWO­NTTEARUSAPART
ALLISEEISYOUYOURMAHOGANYEYESSOWARM
TELLMEAGAINANDAG­AINTHOSETHREEPRECIOUSWORDS
HEALTHEWOUNDSTHATTHEOTHERONESLEFTBEHIN­D
EVERYKISSISASUNRISEBRINGINGWARMTHANDHOPE
YOUAREMYHEARTMYBREATHM­YSOUL
ONLYYOULOVEONLYYOU
UNTILTHEENDWEARETOGETHERUNTILTHEEND
IWON­TLETTHISFEELINGGOTOWASTE
NEVEREVERLETMEGO
.

Here I stand
Knife in hand
Red-stained metal
It's not blood, I swear
It's jelly, it's jelly, red red jelly,
I swear, I swear!

There is a sudden peace.

I stared the dark fog of death
in the eyes
and I never blinked.

I feel strong. I feel like
I understand.
I may not know yet
where I will go,
but I know now
how I will live.
My heart will lead the way,
for I know that it won’t lead me
astray.
The pain that I’ve felt
has only made me stronger,
so that I can survive the future.
I will not die,
for I have too much life to share.

You see beauty in me,
a torn flower?
One of us is surely blind.

I'm in a cloudy field of cherry blossom trees
Being chased by a bunch of bees
Getting stung should be impossible
in this beautiful place
But I keep getting stung,
and the cherry blossom trees laugh,
And the blossoms weep petals.

As I was taking a shower last night,
I noticed my phobia
crawling up the wall.
The creature was struggling;
she was barely any bigger than
some of the water droplets
that were scattered across her path.
I left her at peace,
for she was doing me no harm.
When I went back an hour later,
the arachnid was gone,
leaving no hint
of her journey’s success or failure.

1
screaming until I go mad.
cold  claws around my heart,
it dug its claws in and marred the silver ghost of my soul
l try to bleed.
the only thing I can feel.
the only thing I want to feel.
sewn my mouth shut.
I can't tell anyone
The secrets that could end up killing me.

     I slowly lose pieces of my mind.

         2
thinking about death..  
whispers dark thing in my ears.
the vulnerability of my skinny wrists.
a chasm of red
a silver-stained death
brands my mind in glowing letters.

screaming for more.
I want to scream
Revealing this secret would destroy me.
                                              
                                                      shattering
                                              into a million pieces.
                                          


3
  Safe.
(safe is a lie
“‘I’ll be gone,’”


4
a girl who is saying goodbye
she jumps off of an abandoned bell tower.
ex-boyfriend finds her body.


5
Foggy darkness
the memories.
the ending note
echoing
I shake off the fragments
     (you can’t escape a memory)
        stumble to a cliff,
fall off.
I’ll smile as I fall
I’m flying,
I’m free.
hit the ground
nothing but a shattered doll.

Even as I’m moving
forward,
I still feel
stuck
In the same thoughts,
the same mistakes,
the same
inevitable
pit.

Questioning
the reason for the madness
The world keeps spinning
but we’re frozen in silence
And every day we scream
“We want to end this game!”
But the higher-ups don’t listen,
they don’t know our name
And so I’m standing here,
surrounded by the flames
Wondering why I still bother
playing all these games
All around me, the voices cry
We’re still waiting for the day
That the flames all die
But the fire cannot die,
because then out lives would end
And it’s not that easy
to begin again.

You don’t need a love poem
because I can speak freely
to you.

It's poem time, it poem time;
Every day now I must have a poem time
I must brush the cobwebs off my lips
Blow the dust off of my pen
And with every sunrise there must be
A poem time to define what's me.

It occurred to me
that I am nothing more
than a speck of stardust,
walking on another speck,
which is floating in another speck,
and the infinity is blinding.
But it also occured to me that
Stars, despite their mortality,
are beautiful as they shine,
no matter how bright the light.

Let words flow

through the pen

and grow

on paper.



Let the whispers

of your heart

slip out to be seen

by the world.



Let everything

that plagues you

be released

by pen's sweet scrawl.



Let them see

the truth that is you,

the things that

you cannot say aloud.



Set yourself free,

release the butterflies,

they flutter across the page

and dance.

I don't fit here,
I don't fit there,
I don't think I really fit
anywhere.

Tell me why
I shiver
and I shake
Tell me why my heart trembles
in my chest
Why must I live
in a such a fragile state of mind?
Anything could set me off, make me
EXPLODE
Why must I be
porcelain?

SCREAM
release the rage, the pain, the fear
just
SCREAM
it’s better than bloodshed,
the shedding of crystal tears
it’s so much better to
SCREAM
but screaming just isn’t enough for me
Something inside me is begging,
pleading on it’s knees,
so hungry for blood, for pain
it claws at my insides
wraps spindly fingers around my bones
it stretches my hand towards the blade
even as I say “NO!”
I have to fight it, I have to force it away
But this is only possible
with a picture of you in my brain
I think of you, asking me to stay strong,
and it makes it a bit easier
for me to hang on
to the thin thread of sanity
and I
SCREAM
at the demon inside,
I beg it to go away
It releases my bones, but in my head it will stay
promising to return again another day.

I think that I am possessed
I scroll into the past, and
I see the words that pour from my heart
The's are mine? No, they cannot be mine;
I don't even remember writing that line
I think I am possessed by a poetic spirit
Who yanks strange words from my bones
Because how could it be that I,
So simple, so fragile, so weak and slow,
Can create these literary masterpieces
That I see as I scroll
Nay, they cannot be mine
I am surely possessed by poetry.

this warmth
is so precious

and I'm terrified of
snuffing it out

but you
hold me here

and I feel
like I could run

into your arms
any day.

My fear is endless,
No place is safe.
Technology and supreme warfare is safety
But too much safety is dangerous
Everything is threatened at every single second
I feel it
I feel the tension
I feel the rubber band stretching thin
Don't break, please, don't break
I walk down the sidewalk of a campus that should be be safe but I feel endangered and exposed and I know that
Anyone could be watching
Anyone could be waiting
Anything could be looming about to pounce and tear serenity to pieces

I just want to feel safe again, not like even the tiniest move could **** me.

Well, here I’ve gone and done it again
I’ve gone and broken my promise again
I’m so sorry, soul mate, I broke my promise again
And I hate the ******* pain of it
And I’m trying not to cry as I remember:

standing in the shower looking at the razor blade
it leers at me as hot water pours over my skin
and the demon in my mind laughs and rears its head
“You silly little girl, do you really think
you can just avoid it?
Go ahead, pick it up
It’s what you want, isn’t it?
You sad, sick little girl,
watching you struggle gives me such a thrill;
Now take up that blade
And let the silver bite
The taste of blood will haunt you all night.”
No, no, no
I keep thinking no
cowering against the shower wall
I keep saying no even as I watch
my trembling hand reach out towards that razor
stupidfuckingrazorihateyousomuch
it’s in my hand, it’s touching my skin
the metal bites, the blood rolls again
Oh, god, I broke my promise again
Oh, god, I have to tell him this again

I have to tell you this again:
I broke my promise, and I don’t know why
Maybe I’m possessed, and the demon just won’t die
And I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you
So sorry I broke your trust
Shining silver pieces stained with blood
My tears fall to wash away the blood
(I wish they would fall, oh, I wish they would fall)
And there’s something in me that’s about to explode
A swirling tornado about to wreck everything I’ve ever known
Quick, hide! Before it steals you away
Don’t let it take you away from me
Oh god, oh god, I just want to cry
Because I don’t know why these demons won’t die
I don’t know why they just want me to die

I  
WON’T
DIE
so **** the demons
They can make me bleed and cry
but I will not just ******* die
I have a soul mate who needs me to live
I still have so much in me to give
And they will not break me
I will bend and I will scream
I will cry and I will bleed
But I will not break, no
I won’t break

**I still have a life to live.

I should be touching the stars still
Because I have you, holding me in your arms
But I'm slowly falling again
About to hit the ocean's roaring surface
About to shatter, then sink
So hold me close, and never let go,
promise me
If I break, you'll piece me back together
Promise me
If I wander away, you'll follow me
You'll find me and bring me home
Promise me,
promise me,
promise me
You'll only ever tighten your grip
but don't smother me, no
Help me breathe
Just promise you won't give up on me
When I am falling, you'll catch me
promise me,
promise me,
oh, please, promise me
you won't leave me to fade away
alone.

There's this constant feeling
of relentlessly being dragged
through any number of things;

cold snow chokes my airways,

cold water fills my lungs

dirt dances on top of my eyes

and mud leaves its messy mark.

I can't cut loose, this attachment
is just life;
Time pulls and tugs and does not care
if you wish to stop here or there.

The untameable beast, taking bites
from our bodies
Pulls me forward and through
raging seas
It doesn't try to drown me,
just expects me survive
Even as I choke and gasp,
even as I beg and cry.

I wish to rest, just give me a breath–
the passage of time
will pass me by

Meanwhile,
where am I?

It is your fear
which has saved my life;
That is the purpose of fear, I suppose:
It keeps a person safe
So that they may live another day,
and so that their soul mate
won’t be left alone and hollow
With no one left to fear for.

If I told you what I was feeling right now, you'd have me shipped off to a hospital;
They're just feelings, darling, so please put the phone down.

I just feel so empty
and lost
and numb,
and I want to rip the veins
from my wrists
and watch the blood pool
until I can't watch anything anymore.

But I can't tell you that
because you'll think that
I'm just that crazy
But the thing is that I
would never really do
such a thing,
that's just the illness talking.

Don't listen to my demons,
I try not to.

Somehow,
everything falls right into place
with you.

The high school world is strange,
full of things I just don't understand;

Girls wear dresses to school,
baring their knees in 20-degree weather
How are they not shivering
in their thin little sweaters?

Showing off your underwear
isn't attractive anywhere
So why do the guys insist
on forgetting their belts?

And what is the point
of punishing us all
when one person broke a nose
and another pulled out his phone?

I just don't understand
vanity over comfort
and feeling cool over looking decent
and public over private

It's a strange world here
in high school.

Why do I suddenly just
want to die?
Why do I feel
like I'm 20 feet underwater,
letting myself sink,
with my tears fading into the sea?

I feel the tremors in my blood,
the music shaking up my brain
The energy quivering through my veins
I need to hop up
onto my tippy-toes
I need to MOVE
Spin and jump,
twirl and
f
a
l
l.
Catch me if I fall, love?
Catch me if I fall.

The sky is exploding

sending shards of shrapnel

down to Earth

Orbs of cold and wet

that burst on impact

and soak their target in tears

Pieces of shrapnel

skitter across the road

on legs made of fragility

Cold  and wet

Teardrops of the sky

Who is it that cries?

Who do they cry for?

Do they see the shadows

that many on Earth have become?

Do they weep because

we are devoured by darker times?

Are the tears,

clear and cold,

pulled by the untimely arrival

of death to a young soul's side?

Do these weepers,

these beings who hide in the sky,

also suffer from

the dark diseases of life,

The mind-numbing drinks

And crazy-making smoke

And blood-hungry metal?

Why does no one weep for them

the way they weep for us?

I don't want to feel numb
I'd rather feel pain
than nothing at all
So don't judge me for wanting to bleed
I don't want to feel numb
I'd rather feel pain
than nothing at all
Don't yell at me for relying on a blade
I don't want to feel numb
I'd rather feel pain
than nothing at all
Don't look down at my scars
I don't want to feel numb
I'd rather feel pain
than nothing at all.

I’m ready for fall.
I’m ready for
My leather jacket,
which I wear like a second skin;
My fingerless gloves,
somehow both practical and not;
My trusty boots, clomping fearlessly through any weather;
Flannel every day, a timeless pattern;
A bitter breeze balanced by a lemon sun to make the perfect temperature.
I’m ready to watch the leaves turn to flames and dance through the neighborhoods,
I’m ready to smell the cider and pumpkin in every store.
I’m ready to start planning a disguise, to hide from the Hallow’s spirits.

I’m ready for fall,
the best season of all.

And the smoke rises,
doing nothing to hide
the growing mob
The rising tide of chaotic fury
A wall of black,
of bulletproof vests and shields,
struggles to stay upright
against the furious wave
Anger, rolling through the streets
Broken windows, their only remains
are the crimson-soaked shards
Storm the stores, fight to steal
E V E R Y T H I N G
Fight for the right to scream
and be heard
T
e
a
r
gas
and regretful bullets
Pierce the rising cloud of smoke
Which does nothing to hide
the growing tide of rebellion.

D
  r
  i
  p

D
  r
  i
  p

D
  r
  o
  p

This safe little bubble
    is about to
                             P   O   P!

You better watch out,
or the beasties will get you
They’ll dig in their teeth and you’ll
S     C     R     E     A     M

No one, no one, no one can hear you SCREAM!!!!

Isn’t it so sad?
You cry, but no one sees the saltwater sorrow streaking your face
and they just can’t hear the sound of your heart
thudding to a sudden stop
as your body goes numb
Blissful numb, can you stay in the dark?




“No, no, no!”
The voice attacks and digs electric probes into your chest
ZAP!
“Wake up!”
ZAP!!
“Wake up!”
ZAP!!!
“Please, please, please, wake up!”

But I’m in so much pain,
you try to say
Can’t you see this is easier than trying to stay?
Oh, no, I didn’t want to hurt you this way!

Fresh tears f
          a
           l
           l

                       d r i p p i n g   on the floor like the blood just did
Your blood, keeping you warm and alive and feeling and hurting
and you didn’t want to feel anymore
So you forgot that you had a heart and soul
You forgot that you hold so many hearts in your hands
You forgot that someone still cares
You forgot that someone still needs you there
You forgot
how to
breathe.

The machine breathes for you as you open your eyes
The golden sunlight pokes through the blinds
Highlighting the face of the one who holds you dear
Fast asleep, but face still screaming fear
And you realize why you still live:
You still hold someone’s heart in your hands,
and you must never, ever let it fall
and shatter against the cold concrete
Where chalk lines told you where to jump
Where the neighbor’s dog died after you pulled his crushed body out of the road
Where a fresh first kiss shocked your heart, and more followed after
And where you tried not to cry as you said one more goodbye

How long ago was that, that last goodbye?
Hello and goodbye,
you suddenly start to cry
The sunlight lights up the opening eyes
Of the one you hold dear
The one whose heart you still hold
Oh, you’re so glad
to say hello.

“I’m here.”

So here it comes again, I guess
This unfortunate space
Where happy isn't really happy
And sad is not enough
Here comes the moment when I want to bleed
But to bleed is to betray
And I cannot betray you, love
Even though you chose not to stay
But I'm drowning as you laugh with her
I'm crying as you sing your love
I've hidden what I truly feel,
but eventually this mask won't be enough
to hold in the broken pieces
This glass heart that I thought you fixed
You've tossed it against the ground
and left it for someone else to fix
You're an *******, you know
A total man-*****
Anger is a stage of grief
So get ready for the storm
Suddenly I just can't figure out
why I torture myself with you
When you twist me up and turn me upside down
You confuse me, very much

I just don't know what's happening anymore
My heart is completely torn
Little bits of red are clogging up my veins
They're trapped in my lungs -
no wonder it's so hard to breathe
You fixed me only to destroy me
And then to try to fix me again
**Make up your mind, ******
I'm not a pull-apart Barbie doll!

Reflections roll down the window;
They look like cartoon teardrops
running down a pale, flat face.

One moment,
he is real
Fresh in her mind
as her mother drives her farther
and farther away
from him.
The next moment(day),
He is a memory(no, he's a dream)
And she is suddenly
THAT GIRL
again;
Hollow-eyed
rib cage
and upside-down smile
She is suddenly
NOT HERSELF
AND SHE IS HERSELF
SHE DOES NOT KNOW

WHO IS SHE
WHEN SHE DOES NOT SEE
HIM?

silent ghost girl
drifting
waiting

She will only come alive again
when she knows that she will see
his face.
But until then,
ghost girl
drifting
is left with memories(DREAMS)
She is left alone with her old self.

If I could relive a moment of my life, I would pick a Tuesday
in my senior year of high school.
I would hug all my friends,
and walk through the halls with confidence,
and give my boyfriend a good long kiss.
After school, during fencing,
I would treasure a moment
with a friend now gone,
and when I got home,
I would help cook dinner
and give my parents a hug.

I would call all my grandparents,
and actually do my homework,
and cuddle with my cat,
and just enjoy being
17 again,
before everything changed forever.

Today marks a memory
of a great life lost to time
Today marks the day when, four years ago,
a great man in my life passed away.
He was a son, a brother, a husband, a father
He was a grandfather, and a great-grandfather, too
He was my great-grandfather, and I'll never forget
The joy of us fishing together, and how I caught more than him
I'll never forget his nicknames for me:
"Tiger" and "Little Maid"
I'll never forget the time when I defiantly declared
that "No, I am no one's maid!"
Then got scared and fled to the diner he owned
and hid at the back table with a cheeseburger and
a cool glass of chocolate milk.
When I saw him again later, he was laughing.
I'll never forget how big his heart was,
How big his smile was, his booming laugh
I only knew him for thirteen years, but
I know I'll always treasure the memory
of my Great-Grappa.

Being away from you for so long
frightens me,
Because I have to figure out how to remind myself
that it wasn’t all a dream.

Heart-beat, heart-beat
Can you feel my
Heart-beat
Feel it pound against my rib cage
It wants out, it wants out
Feel how it wants to get out of my chest
Beating for who? Beating for you
Beating to tell you how much I love you
I’ve said it once and twice and
A million thousand times
But here I am, I ‘ll say it again:
**I
love
you.

Stay away, stay away
Keep your venom away from me
Depression, I hate you
Addiction, I am tired of you

I don't want to drown anymore
I don't need to bleed anymore

So please stop telling me otherwise.

what can wake me?
my true love's kiss
what can shield me?
my knight in shining armor
what can save me from the dark?
*my soul mate, bright and strong

I once sat
in the middle
of an infinite ocean,
struggling to breathe
and desperately awaiting rescue.

And then,
there you were.
Life pulled me through
pain and solitude
just to bring me
to you.

You approach,
and in your wake lies
a path to the future.

I need you to remind me
that I do have a heart
I need you to tug on my soul
and remind me that I’m whole
I need you to hold me close
so I don’t freeze and go numb
I need you
to keep me alive.

Back
in your arms
My heart
can start
again
And I
am awake
no longer numb
I can feel your breath
on my cheek
Feel your warmth,
you are there
Back
in my arms
again.

Reverie,
come over me,
wash into me
To take me away
from this madness

My heart was once pure
Made of glistening gold
But when I first faced the demons
That lurk underground
The gold was blackened
Just slightly
And a chunk of gold stolen from my chest.
As I continued to battle the beasts
They kept stealing gold from my glowing heart
And they replaced riches with lead
So that my chest grew heavier
And my heart darkened
Now there is just a smidgen of gold left
And I'm struggling to save it
Struggling to keep my riches