As I lay to sleep tonight,
a thought creeps into my mind:

If unseen disaster were to
take me from my very bed,

I could die with a smile,
for I sleep beside the one I love;

Yet surely that's such a sad thought,
that they've peddled us violence

The bloodstains are all we've known,
staining the expectations of the crowd

We devour the fear and swallow
the swords so the crowd may gasp

Too bad the sword wasn't quite right,
and the crowd can't see the pain

Until it revels before them,
invites them to dance

So we laugh and take Death's hand
as he weaves us through the fog

But who really leads who?
This dance wasn't asked, just forced

A skeletal hand locked in chains
we refuse to let ourselves see

For this is not the fate we were meant,
this overflow of pain and fear

Our demise inches closer, but
surely it wasn't written so

All we dreamed was to fly and be free,
to forget the chains and aching need

To feel the sun in our souls,
burning too close

Refusing to learn from our lessons,
and repeating it all again.

There's blood on the chalkboards
and chalk on the crosswalks,

but the wrong one is being told
that it's clearly out of place;

The other, a wolf in a wooly coat
baring his teeth as he pockets his coin.

My blue mixed with your storms
makes a raging torrent
and all we can do is hold on.

The blue is over our heads now,

arms up,

drifting


The cold is settled into my bones now,

brittle and frozen,

breakable.


This feeling is too familiar now,

written many times before,

repetitive.


All I can do is wait for the sun now,

reaching to the surface,

floating.

the water's in my lungs again

and I can't even breathe with full oxygen

the waves aren't at my feet anymore,

they're at my throat, and I'm barely

still standing on my feet

I can feel that one wrong move

will pull me deeper into the cold

stray waves wish to cast me aside

my toes dig in, not ready to leave

just enough water to splash into

my mouth and nose, I can feel

the sloshing in my chest,

heavy, heavier by the second

so hard to breathe.

I dig my toes in a little deeper,

not ready to be flung into currents

that I know will grasp my soul

in an icy grip, pulled from between

my aching teeth, clenched tight

my smile probably doesn't quite

look right anymore, I'm left

with this growing grimace

salt stings my eyes,

wishes to leave me blind

even more hopeless than

I could've been before

my chest is tight, heart held close

what little warmth to keep a pulse

as the waves keep surging higher

and my neck can't save me now,

I have to choose to let go

release my toes or watch my vision

fill with cold blue so I can't see you

because you've been here all this time

but you cannot feel the waves

you cannot hear the crashing

that continues to call my name

your hand was there, I waited so long

and now I can only frantically hold on

as the waves push, and they try

to pull me away to the darker day

please, just let me stay.

I hear them again,
the waves lapping at the shore

The tide seeping in,
gradually roaring louder

This isn't right,
it shouldn't be time

The moon doesn't decide
this ocean's fate, though

So it surges wild,
unpredictable and impossible

Lapping at the shore
of my brain, caked in sand

The sun should've been
too strong to feel this cold,

But the wind carries the waves
and a warning I can't ignore

And I know I can hear them,
even feel the salted spray,

Yet I turn my back to the waves,
and break the ocean's rule

They may just finally take me,
and I may just let myself go.

Sometimes the fear
creeps into my heart;

Those silly little videos,
"I signed up for the biggest heartbreak of my life,"
Oh, trust me, I know.

Because I look at your face
And can see all sides of the sun

The burning bright, the constant shift,
and even the eclipsed one.

The world outside boils,
but my warmth comes from you;

I just can't help but feel the fear
of the rage outside taking me away
from you.

A diner full of love and life,
food served with heart and soul;

Hundreds of lives touched,
some big and some small;

A laugh that filled the room,
and a smile to welcome you home;

Iris, dancing in the violets
and peering from the lilies;

Her life bloomed in shades
of brilliant purple and blue

She had endless optimism,
and wisdom kept sharp;

A heart that never stopped growing,
and a hug to make things right.

The garden grows still, but
a little less vibrant

without its great and wonderful Iris.

Oh, I hoped
I could be free from this,
but I suppose I knew better.

The ache in my chest,
the crashing in my ears,
my vision full of blue,

so much blue

Oh, I hoped
I wouldn't have to swim,
reaching and kicking

Hoping to keep my fingers
to the cool air above,
a reminder that I have a chance

This ocean isn't one
you can simply see,
but it's so real,

so painfully real

to me.

Smoke
clouding
our minds
Filling
our skies with
choking gray
We run
from the flames,
but they're always in sight

Clear skies
feel like
a figment in my mind,
Lost memories
from when I was
still so small
Bright blues
and prismatic hues
to make youth shine

I dream
of embracing
the colors of my past
Magic and joy
to guide me through
the choking storm,
Hope and love
to lead me to
the wonderous future

As the sun rises today,
remember what you love.

As the sun rises today,
remember who you love.

As the sun rises today,
remember that you are strong.

As the sun rises today,
remember to carry on.

My heart feels like
a classic holiday tale,

Growing to 4x the size,
warmer than it's ever been

I have more favorite sounds,
your laugh now included,

Your smile a new favorite view;
I marvel at the collection

These experiences I never knew
could be possible for me

This sudden, boundless emotion,
a genuine look into infinity.

This safe space
has my heart ready to burst–

More warmth and affection
than I've ever possibly known

Suddenly pouring over my soul
to bathe me in light and love

A soul mate and a kindred spirit
to show me boundless joy

Surely, this unfolding is just
a silly little fairy tale,

Too good to be true?
I'm reminded every day that it's real

I grow and thrive here,
in the light of friendship and love.

To find someone
who feels like
your other half

It's like you're
meant to be
in my arms

I get so lost
in your presence,
feeling safe and seen

You are a wonder
that I've searched for
for years untold

Finding you
makes everything
fall into place.

Your lips
are as soft
as butterfly wings;

I want
to hold you
until the end of time.

You're a melody in my head,
thinking of your voice,
remembering your heartbeat.

The tune will be on loop,
making this smile
a permanent fixture.

Your heartbeat
has become
my new favorite rhythm

Reverberating
through the warmth
of this perfect space

I haven't felt this
since the very first
silly little poems

As though my blood
has turned to ambrosia
and everything is sweet

Cloud 9
feels like nothing
when I think of you

We're on our own cloud,
safe and warm,
floating forever.

I would bottle
a little bit of your voice
to hear whenever I wish

To hear I was always
in your eyes, always
visible when I felt unseen.

This warmth
is so safe, and I
never want to leave this space

Where we exist, together,
understanding
and feeling our thoughts.

I thought

only one person

made me feel

like this,

but

I could listen

to your voice

for ages,

and your warmth

is so safe and right.

I'm just so scared,

for I still care

the same way

for another.

These worlds,

slowly separating,

are getting harder

to bridge.

It hurts to stretch, but

it hurts more to think

of losing either side.

I feel the change,

smell the mist that's

begun to coat my face.

I just wish I knew

what's hiding under the wave.

When did the storm hit again?

My head got pushed under,
and suddenly I'm caught
in the relentless current
of swirling thoughts.

Drowning,
that's starting to sound nice,
but I remember the sun above,
gleaming warm beams
to remind me of love

It's so hard to reach
for the sun's warmth
When I can't even breathe,
so the cold fills my lungs
as I sink too deep.

you're
stuck
in
my
head
as
though
planted,
growing
and
invading.

I
don't
want
to
clear
you­
out.

and if I wrote a poem about you,
would you ever know?

I don't know,
but you shine so bright

it's impossible not
to feel inspired

I hope I never
lose sight of you.

this warmth
is so precious

and I'm terrified of
snuffing it out

but you
hold me here

and I feel
like I could run

into your arms
any day.

foolishly drawn
into the same trap

it's so easy
to be excited

but suddenly
sink into the cold again

and fall back
on old habits

the silver bite
is too familiar.

the sun shines bright

the waves are easy and calm

the breeze is warm,
it caresses my face

yet, in the distance,

somehow,

I still hear the rumbling
of the never-ending storm.

watching
  the
minutes
  until
I
  lose
them
  in
the
  tide
and
  they
re-emerge
  as
hours

droplets
  chasing
one
  another
through
  the
endless
  gray
before
  a
brief
  exchange
with
  grass.

as I look to the sky,
I begin to realize
that the depths
of the seas and stars
hold my heart
so tightly close

and perhaps
that's why
I'm slowly losing
the will
to breathe

soft,
  thin
beams
  of
light,
  revealed
by
  pale
smoke
  swirling
in
  a
hypnotic
  pattern

the
  feeling
of
  drowning
despite
  full
oxygen,
  or
perhaps
  just
a
  desire
to
  sink.

stardust
  woven
through
  my
bones,
  forever
a
  reminder
of
  the
fires
  we
were
  born
from

rain
  pattering
around
small
hidden
  birds,
who
  trill
to
find
  each
other
  through
the
  drops.

I'm so tired
of trying not to drown

How many times
have I said it already?

Too many.
The waves won't stop.

I get pulled further
down every time.

Are you all down there?
Sunken to a fathomless darkness,

Reaching and clawing for air
until hope finally failed you?

I wish I could pull you back,
but wishing is a waste of breath.

I'm haunted by the ocean,
and the faces I cannot see.

I can't even find words for this.

It's not right.

I don't know how to


I just have to breathe.
Crying makes that hard, though.

There's too many thoughts.
Questions.
Regrets.

I tell myself,
don't regret.
Nothing will change.

But the thoughts won't go.

Keep breathing.

Keep
breathing.

It's been a while
since I've felt this sting–

A good friend was taken too soon,
lured by the temptation of darkness

It circles in my head,
round and round again

Why, and how, and what if–
A thousand times, what if?

I have to keep breathing,
don't get lost in the waves

This cannot consume me.

Indigo tides surge,
threaten to pull me away
into the realm of eternity.

Occasionally, I let them
draw me just a little
too close

before finally leaning
away from the depths
to feel the sun’s glow.

Dark room,
full of thoughts,
daylight threatening
from the edge

Words float here,
ghosts on the walls,
remembering everything
we'll never forget

Dreams hang low
from the ceiling,
faint spiderwebs that glisten
amongst the dusty cobwebs

Don't grab them, don't pull;
those threads are still so fragile,
and these burdens weigh us down.

Whisper to them,
watch them shiver,
trembling from the sounds
of tired voices

One day at a time,
repeat the motions,
smile and nod,
survive.

Over and over again
we step forward
and fall back,
staring at the clouds

Just fall asleep here,
just for now;
it's time for a little break
from the endless mud.

what to write

when you're tired

and sad,

and words just don't feel

like enough

anymore.

Raging, roiling, boiling sea,
filling every last crevice
inside of me

Washing away my last
gasps of breath,
leaving me winded
and ready for death.

I've swum for so long,
and yet not long enough;
It's not right to give up now
but these waves are getting rough.

I'm getting the hang of
letting myself sink
a bit





Just enough for the cold
to ache in my bones
And every time it rains
My skeleton cries and drones.

The depths are so much
calmer than the rage above,
All I see from here
are faint ghosts that push and shove

I
want to inhale the cold,
but the cold will smother me,
and I'll never grow old.

This all hurts, every wave
and every splash
The rushing current
to pull me under in a flash

I'm just trying to swim,
listen to the silly blue fish,
keep going, don't stop,
You can have anything you wish!

I'm just tired. Is that even allowed?
We say it's okay, but our actions
speak the ugly truth.
There's just no satisfaction.

Everyone around me is tired, too.
Is it fair to stop swimming,
and let them go on in peace?
There's another race I'm never winning.

I don't need a life preserver,
nothing is wrong, because
others around me are drowning, too.
Life simply doesn't take a pause.

This all hurts, I can't breathe,
I don't like what's inside of me
The water I've breathed
boiling and roiling and ready for tea

Leaking through organs
and soaking in my veins
My head is swimming,
and surely that sounds insane.

Must be lack of oxygen flow,
'cause I'm still sinking
Bubbles slipping from my lips
I blow and up they go

Sinking, thinking, dreaming sea
lay to rest what's inside of me,
and in your darkness, I will sleep.

How do I
make the stars fly
so I may wish forever
That peace be easier
like simply drifting
down the river
Drift
until
the water
deepens
and you start
to sink
You can watch the bubbles
dancing with the stars
A smile frozen in time.

I have a hard time
describing
what my childhood memories
feel like.

I think most my age
still recall their childhood
pretty clearly,
like photographs of various quality.

I feel as though
my memory cracks a little
every time my settings
are changed.

The first crack was graduation,
the flurry and fear of
finally
leaving home.

College became
a hazy blur;
it stings to look at it
directly.

Everything falls short,
I move again,
another crack forms
and I feel the pain.

Memories here
are strange and bittersweet;
The fog here is thick,
and I know I don't want to see.

In the present,
I just try to breathe;
but I feel so detached
from my memories.

Everything feels
so far away,
mirages in a shifting desert;
golden sea swirling with storms.

Fingers up,
grasping at bubbles;

Why do I always
fight for air?

I'm beginning to wonder
if I lost that magic touch;

These words used to come so easily,
to frame my dreams and nightmares

The paper used to beckon,
gleam like a beacon

While I was lost at sea, the words
would be the rope to pull me free

They gave me just a little bit of clarity,
until they faded away.

I reach and grasp,
maybe catch loose threads,

But it's never strong enough
to pull me to safety.

I miss the magic of words,
of creating invisible images.

It's just starting to feel like
my magic has faded.

There's this constant feeling
of relentlessly being dragged
through any number of things;

cold snow chokes my airways,

cold water fills my lungs

dirt dances on top of my eyes

and mud leaves its messy mark.

I can't cut loose, this attachment
is just life;
Time pulls and tugs and does not care
if you wish to stop here or there.

The untameable beast, taking bites
from our bodies
Pulls me forward and through
raging seas
It doesn't try to drown me,
just expects me survive
Even as I choke and gasp,
even as I beg and cry.

I wish to rest, just give me a breath–
the passage of time
will pass me by

Meanwhile,
where am I?

What do I say
when I haven't written in
so long?

Day by day,
everything just feels like
a thick fog–

Nothing is clear,
I can't see far ahead;
I've just been walking forward
to where?

So I just haven't been writing,
haven't been glowing, feeling
like I can exist.

I try to reach
that gleaming surface–
I never even knew I sank.

Never knew I was stuck here
in the cold again, wading
through another storm.

It's so quiet now,
settled into my soul like a routine;
Here we go again.

If I keep swimming,
I can't drown.

If I keep walking,
we'll make it eventually.

I wish it wasn't so cold.

I once looked into your eyes, and felt time stop.
I once looked into your eyes, and saw nothing but black.

I’ve seen you soft, glowing and free;
I’ve also seen things you never wished for me

You turn as though caught in the phases of the moon;
full of light, half dark – a black hole in the sky

And somehow, every time I looked up,
you just never failed to catch my eye

And whether love is long lost,
and our futures set in stone,

I keep your memory tucked tightly away,
so that neither of us can truly be alone.

I’m trying to reach back
to reach the paint in my blood

To find the child in my soul
so she isn’t lost in the memories

I step through time
in my own head

Here in reality,
all lights are flashing red

It’s hard to stay in the present
when buttons make the world end

I just want to breathe
while I know I still can

And live with the paint
running free through my veins

we live our days,
we glimpse one another,
our lives pass by quickly,
and that may feel like a bother.
breathe, and blink,
look around and listen,
live what's around you
while there's still time to glisten.

I miss my words,
my poetry and my tales
I miss letting letters spin
from the top of my head

There's so little time,
And so little free pleasure,
It's hard to process my emotions,
and this was lost in the blur

So here's a quick spin
just to see what I've missed,
It's nice to let the letters roll,
let some light shine through the mist.

Why can't I shake
the thought
of

you?


I can't grasp
the emotions,
they're just

fog.


I'm caught in a storm,
barely breathing, and
just wishing for

clarity.


We both hear
the siren's song,
a plea to sink into abysmal

d
a
r
k
n
e
s
s
.



I just wish
I could pull you to
safe land,
and help you find the sun.