When did I fall in love with being this way?
When did I start to crave
not craving at all?
When did piercing stomach pain
and headaches
and gashes
become the epitome of beauty?
When did this happen?
Why do I love something so much
that I will never attain?
Why do I pledge my loyalty to the mirror
and turn around to pledge towards the refrigerator?
Why do I refuse to eat it
but my stomach looks like cottage cheese?
Why can I not get there?
How could I let this happen?
How could I promise to be pure
while pouring more sugar?
How did I think this was going to work?
How can I make it okay?
Who would even notice?
Who would say anything concerning
the fat girl
becoming thin?
Who needs to know?
Who would actually try to stop me?
Where did my passion go?
Where did I think those calories would end up?
Where,
here,
on me.
Where did I forget the pride
of walking on deaths line?
What can I do now?
What plan,
course of action,
do I take now?
What option is the least destructive
so I can take the opposite path?
What would Red do?
I ******* hate myself. Oh, so does the one boy I have ever truly loved. Oh, and the people who I thought loved me only pretend because they needed something. I will not let others determine my emotional state. Let them try to hurt me when I am my own abuser. **** this ****.