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May 2019 · 771
My Biggest Regret
Maddy May 2019
I just ran.
I didn’t fight,
I didn’t try to
Get him away from you
I didn’t pull him
By his shoulders and
Rip him from your
Near corpse, no.

I ran.
I just, ran into
The room with fear
In my hands
Making it difficult
To lock the door
And I never once considered
How the hell you would get in.

I never told him to stop
I never told him to go away
I never told mom
And I never had the confidence to say
What I needed to
To get him away from you
And help you breathe
Again.

I sat there on the floor
With my sister in my lap
With headphones in her ears
No chance of
Hearing the searing
Screams
Let out by your small
Body

I just let it happen

And with every breath
I took
I knew he was taking one
Away from you
Knocking the ability to properly
See, away from you
And I
Who was just scared
Sat there with no thought
Of trying to make it stop

God I’m sorry

If I had just pushed him away
If I had just gotten him off
If I had just let him see how it
Affected me and
Let it sink in that this
Is not how you treat children
Maybe I could’ve helped
Prevent it.

But I just ran
I didn’t fight
I didn’t try to

And it’s my biggest regret
That I didn’t help you.
I have a lot to deal with. Things I've never faced before
Nov 2018 · 196
what I love about my people
Maddy Nov 2018
is that
we find the most
extravagant things
lying down
wallowing in
simplicity

no thing is nothing
when everything
has something to be
given

like
big sweater wrist cuffs
scuffing the sidewalk
when placing a ceramic mug
on the small mountain range
that is the pavement

like
the smell of
delicate
drops of dew nectar
cascading down
tomato leaves in the
early morning

like
just off center
just blurry
Polaroid photographs
taken hastily
in the moment of creation
that are now
favored memories

what I love most
about my people
are all the
little things
i'm trying to be positive
Nov 2018 · 160
whisperwhispers
Maddy Nov 2018
brittlelittletinyfrail
seem like words you'd use
to describe something dying
or something delicate
something beautiful

brittle
like my bones
lacking the right
vitamin
because I won't let
anything in
past my lips

little
how I want to be
but for me
it isn't easy
constantly torn between
starve
and live

tiny
and grey
like the color of my face
when things get a little dizzy
after a day of standing
and going with nothing showing
in the x-ray of my stomach

frail
like my feelings
how I want to be seen
with secret strengths
hidden just behind my teeth
that no one will see
because, no
I will not eat

and more

I am breaking                 but I am made of glue
I am defiant                    but I listen to you
I am strong                     but I'm decaying inside
I am healthy                   but I'm surprised I'm alive
I am dying                      but I'm fine

WHY DO I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS CONSTANT THRUM OF SUICIDE RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD

never once does she say
'**** yourself'
oh no
she sounds like a mouse
a whisper
the first flower through the snow

she coos
'Just one less meal'
she sings
'Just one more day'
she demands
'Just one less pound'

her voice is like glass
hammered into my jawbone
sometimes when I speak
it isn't actually me

and I know she's trying to hurt me
the closer I get to her
the uglier she becomes

but her voice is like champagne
bubbling to the surface of my mind
telling me

brittlelittletinyfrail
wow. I'm fat like usual. nothing new. keep moving
Nov 2018 · 2.4k
that's My girl
Maddy Nov 2018
she listens to Him
as if His words can actually
define her

and He uses her
as if she is actually
His property

she lets Him
because she loves Him
and He lets her
diminish

He only needs her
when He is sad
or lonely
or tired
or *****
or hungry

she knows this
she can feel His
selective love
deep in the beds of her nails
as they run down his back

she knows He
only wants
her 'beautiful lips'
wrapped around his
'needing ****'
and she feels like
if she can give Him
even slight relief
her purpose will be
fulfilled

because that...
He told her that

He looks at her
and He knows she knows

He knows His grip
on her is being loosened
just like His grip on her hair

and it doesn't take long
for both of them
to turn
their backs
their hearts
their minds
on each other

until He reaches back out
wraps His warm
all encompassing hands
around her long
soft neck

while fear rushes
through her
mind
heart
down to her fingertips
she also feels the
addictive shake
of His voice growling in her ear

again
again again
'that's My girl'
I'm feeling a bit used. I'm feeling like a user. I'm feeling lost, scared, and a plethora of other negative emotions. I'm trying to read poetry to find some purpose. I'm trying to sleep more, sleep better. I'm trying to listen to music that doesn't keep me stuck. I'm trying.
I am failing.
Sep 2018 · 247
I feel
Maddy Sep 2018
Replaced
In all the roles I used to fill
And hearts I used to occupy
In all the minds of those
who mine is always thinking of

Sincerely
Horrible
Fat
Ugly
Stupid
Deceived

Fat
Morbidly obese
in ways most people
can't contemplate even
if they tried

Tired
To the point where
my muscles ache
and everything is a chore
Including breathing

Lost
Like a pin
dropped in the sea
Just
so gone
that no one will ever
even try to find me

Alone
Because my best friend
has a new one
And my boy
well
he's just fine

Stupid
For ever thinking
that I was worth
more than I am
That I was worth
anything at all

Freedom
To destroy myself
in ways
I couldn't
I wouldn't
Before
Well, he's doing fine. Better than ever, infact. She's got a new bestie. Makes sense. I can't go anywhere, and this new girl can. Plus, I'm MORE DISGUSTING THAN EVER AND I WISH I COULD GET HIT BY A VEHICLE GOING CONSIDERABLY FAST DOWN THE HIGHWAY SO MY BONES COULD CRUSH AND I'D FINALLY BE ABLE TO SAY I LOOK AS BAD AS I FEEL.
Aug 2018 · 171
Pure
Maddy Aug 2018
When did I fall in love with being this way?
When did I start to crave
not craving at all?
When did piercing stomach pain
and headaches
and gashes
become the epitome of beauty?
When did this happen?

Why do I love something so much
that I will never attain?
Why do I pledge my loyalty to the mirror
and turn around to pledge towards the refrigerator?
Why do I refuse to eat it
but my stomach looks like cottage cheese?
Why can I not get there?

How could I let this happen?
How could I promise to be pure
while pouring more sugar?
How did I think this was going to work?
How can I make it okay?

Who would even notice?
Who would say anything concerning
the fat girl
becoming thin?
Who needs to know?
Who would actually try to stop me?

Where did my passion go?
Where did I think those calories would end up?
Where,
here,
on me.
Where did I forget the pride
of walking on deaths line?  

What can I do now?
What plan,
course of action,
do I take now?
What option is the least destructive
so I can take the opposite path?
What would Red do?
I ******* hate myself. Oh, so does the one boy I have ever truly loved. Oh, and the people who I thought loved me only pretend because they needed something. I will not let others determine my emotional state. Let them try to hurt me when I am my own abuser. **** this ****.
Apr 2018 · 194
Anthropogenic
Maddy Apr 2018
It's only human to want to cry when your entire life seems
to fall apart

It only makes sense that when your mind bends you do everything
to make it all stop

It's totally normal when your heart crunches in your rib cage causing blades to dance across your skin

It's just need when I hold another body close to me in order to
forget about you

It's okay they all say but they don't know about the people living in
my head telling me what to do

It's totally fine to skip a couple of the times you're supposed to eat
at least if it makes those jeans fit

It's just something about music so loud your eardrums bleed
that seems to help us breathe

It's only human
I sincerely want to hurt myself right now. I'm at school. Please gods, ******* **** me already.
Apr 2018 · 304
4.9.18
Maddy Apr 2018
So
You told me things
I didn't want to hear
You told me things
That I did
You told me things
I needed to hear
You told me things
That I didn't

I cried
on your chest
You cried
on my shoulder
We cried
holding each other
Tight

And
I didn't mean to
You didn't mean to
But
when your lips
grazed my lips
I felt golden again

I now know
You and I are very similar
In how we think
In how we want
In how we avoid

Cheap cigarette smoke
The scent of your hair
The feel of your skin
Burning against mine
I know now

You love me
just like I love you
I had a day. Now I have hickies.
Apr 2018 · 154
A little
Maddy Apr 2018
*****
A bit
Obscene
Just  a few kisses
Between my knees
Please
Don't make me beg anymore
Like a ***** *****
I am not her
But I want you
Till it hurts
Just place your hands
On my burning skin
And
Grab, squeeze, scratch
Till my head spins
Just a little *****
Just a little more
Make me a pretty princess
And the nastiest of ******
Mar 2018 · 286
My Head At Night
Maddy Mar 2018
How many
more pounds to go?

Well let's see
I drank some tea
and that was 0 calories

Also had some coffee
for the energy
I can't produce on my own anymore
0

****,
I also had a granola bar
that's another scar on my record
that's 140

And that salad tonight
that was a real fight
with mom
it was also 205 but
lets round it up to 300 to be safe

And all of this
together, 440

What would you even call me?
A pig for these 440
little monsters

Little ******* sewing my
jeans tighter over night
I have to fight to get there

How many more pounds
are left to lose?
440 calories
and the weight of my bones
Feeling extremely disgusting today. My coffee today was actually 100 calories because I used 4 creamer thingies and each of them is 25 calories. Welcome to the hell that is my head.
WARNING: THIS IS A DISEASE. THIS IS NOT PRETTY. THIS IS NOT EASY OR FUN. IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS SUFFERING FROM AN EATING DISORDER, OR IS THINKING ABOUT RESTRICTING IN UNHEALTHY WAYS, GET THEM HELP. YOU WOULD RATHER HAVE THEM ALIVE AND HATE YOU THEN DEAD AND LIKE YOU.

Have a good day.
Mar 2018 · 398
1.14.17
Maddy Mar 2018
I'm not in the mood to write a ******* poem that rhymes.
Sorry,
I'm in a bad mood.
Like my life is insignificant
and it doesn't matter to anyone
unless of course
it would make them look good.
And very clearly now I am able to see that this is true
considering you just waltz in and ruin
everything I have built from
the ground ******* up.
When did your presence become a wrecking ball
tearing up the halls and drowning art away?
My ******* art.
And why is fair that no one cares about
anything anymore?
Yes roses are red and violets are blue
but so are you and I am too so
why fill us up with lies that eventually
make us want to die?
Don't ruin my world
because yours is falling apart
just let me go as not to crush my heart
you walk away from the mess you made
and expect me to clean it up?
No.
You always told me that you didn't like poems
that didn't rhyme. Like they were wrong
or broken.
And now I realize that
you treated me like what you wanted me
to be and that is not who I am.
I do not rhyme. I'm sorry.

I don't want to write a ******* poem that rhymes.
missing him. angry. let's move on now.
Feb 2018 · 372
How You Know You're Sick
Maddy Feb 2018
Constant cold becomes comforting
Even when you know it's because
Your body is dying

Hunger pains make you smile
In fact
They become glamorized in your mind

Tea is good
But when it fills your stomach with 0 calorie goodness
It tastes great

Standing up always makes you dizzy
So instead of eating
You learn how to keep walking even when walls turn into floors

You beg for help
From someone who is just as sick as you
To become more successfully sick

Meals turn into binges
Food is just a number
And so are you

You constantly think about
If the way you are sitting makes you look
Even worse than normal

Words like dainty, starved, light
Make you feel
More powerful than gods

There are nightmares where
All you do
Is eat ******* fries

When even the people you love the most
Become annoying
Because of how often they say you're perfect

The saying
"You're not fat, but, you're not skinny."
Becomes your most hated string of language

When you know exactly what the risks are
You repeat them in your mind everyday
But it just doesn't matter anymore

You have already accepted your death
Because it's either get skinny
Or die trying
I'm having a day.
Feb 2018 · 750
Beauty Is Taught
Maddy Feb 2018
As protruding collar bones
and hip bones
and ribs

As hunger
and money
and happiness

As knowledge
and wonder
and sadness

As crop tops
and skinny jeans
and piggyback rides

As thigh gaps
and dainty hands
and jawlines

But
I am not beautiful

I do not have bones that push so far out of my skin
That they tower above skyscrapers

I do not have size 00 jeans
or 32 A cup bras

I do not have a scale that doesn't sigh
when I step on it daily

No
I am not beautiful

I was taught I am ugly
I am a pig
I am the definition of repulsive

Beauty is taught
And so is self hatred
This one isn't really put together because I just came up with it. I stepped on my scale this morning and was seriously considering grabbing a pair of scissors and going at my stomach. So instead, I made tea, I did some homework, ate an apple, and wrote this. Have fun with this emotional *****!
Jan 2018 · 245
Little Issues
Maddy Jan 2018
I have many issues
Some are gargantuan, like hellish titans
Others are microscopic, like the most lethal of germs

The smallest one's scare me the most

Like
The feeling in my heart cage
when I see you

Or
The black dots I see
when I stand too quickly

And
The pleasure of digging my nails
into my palms

All my little issues
You'd think they were random
But they all connect at you

That
Is what scares me the most
Yeppers. Feeling heartbroken like usual. How are you?
Jan 2018 · 1.2k
Weird
Maddy Jan 2018
I feel it is weird when the guy you like sits right next to you in class
Even when he knows you like him
And he rejected you

I feel it is weird when you love art with your entire heart and soul
But you can't even draw stick people
With straight lines

I feel it is weird when you miss someone
Who has hurt you more
Than anyone before

I think it is weird when someone complains about everything
But refuses to do anything
To change their situation

I think it is weird when people get depressed in movies
They always read more books
I watch movies

I think it is weird that I can look in the mirror in the morning
But I can not keep doing that
As the day goes on

I think it is weird that some people are so nice
Even after you discover their lies
Still trying to cover them up

I think it is weird that the hungrier people get
The angrier they get
But I get happy

I think it is weird
Because it is weird.
Weird.
Jan 2018 · 357
Loving, Vincent
Maddy Jan 2018
I feel like VanGogh
That maybe I should just go
Because no one truly knows
Who I am
Why I am

I feel like Monet
That maybe I should just go away
Because no one truly knows
Where I am
When I am

I feel like Renoir
That maybe I should just go far
Because no one truly knows
Me
I don't write often. But, I am now. I'm in math class, and I just got yelled at. That ******.
Jan 2018 · 182
Allegory
Maddy Jan 2018
She says "I'm fine."
But she pulls down her sleeves

And he says "I'm just tired."
But he's down on his knees

They say "It will be okay."
But their smile is fake

And I'm trying to see the truth
But I'm drowning in this lake

Of allegory
Feeling kind of down today.
Jan 2018 · 134
Candles
Maddy Jan 2018
You pretend I don't exist most of the time
So why does it hurt more today?
Especially after I told you not to speak
to me,
at me,
with me.

Maybe it's because some dying part of me
actually had hope
in you.
Insane, I know
You,
of all people

I know that it's just a birthday
that tomorrow will bring normalcy
that today I still have tests, school, homework
that we'll just have salads and maybe
I won't have to do as much work
that we'll eat pie, maybe get high
And still,
Nothing has changed

But for some reason,
I still had hope for you
and now,
with everything you've put
me through,
When I blow out the candles
I'll still wish for you
Dec 2017 · 162
You Say Sorry
Maddy Dec 2017
But I don't think you mean it
Because "Sorry." means "I regret."
               And you don't
                                     Regret

No, I don't think you mean it
Because "Sorry." means "I won't do t again."
               And you still
                                    Do it

See, I don't think you mean it
Because "Sorry." means "I'll try harder."
               And you never
                                       Try harder

No, I'm sure you don't mean it
Because "Sorry." means "I love you."
               And you don't
                                      Love me
So, I've basically just been transferring my composition notebook onto this site. Have fun with this emotional roller coaster.
Dec 2017 · 194
Soy Sauce
Maddy Dec 2017
Is one of three things on my mind
Soy sauce came about when the halls,
throughout this dump we call school,
smelt of Chinese food
Logically, I began to crave soy sauce
to go with the morsels
never to touch my tongue

The second, was my bruise
The one on my knee cap that looks
like Uranus
I don't know where it came from
And it hurts like a *****
But, I love it anyway

And the third
You
How your calloused hands grazed
her hair
As you gave her a goodbye hug
How her cheeks lit up with blush as
she walked past me
God only knows if the redness on your cheeks
was from the same thing
or a reflection off of the flannel I used to wear

I feel as salty as the sauce I crave,
As pained as my knee,
And red runs to my cheeks too
Because now I know
Exactly why we broke up
This is my first poem on here. Yay!

— The End —