I try to think of hearing birds sing a
Cool crisp breeze
Right outside my widow
I try to think of chocolate ice cream
Candied yams and
Warm coffee in my belly
I try to think of orange sunsets peaking through the clouds and hovering over oceans
I try to think of everything but you

And I fail every time

there you go
showing up in my newsfeed
as if I'd be ready to see your face
your smile haunts my heart
and your friendship i still taste

you are dead now
and that is the harsh reality
that sends me to this place
this place where I try so hard to find you

although I know the earth no longer
binds you

was it just too much?

As I lay dying
Won't you be my prince charming
Kiss me and tell me you can give me the world
That you'll steal the universe
And chase the stars
With me in your arms

As I lay dying
Won't you hold my hand
Touch my lifeless head and tell me it will be
Okay
That you'll find a way to steal my soul
And keep me alive forever
Together

As I lay dying
As I take my last breath
Won't you find it in you to let me go
and that you can say goodbye and know
It isn't the end
Hold me in your arms dear friend

As I lay dying

frustrated all to hell
i know this feeling all too well
a broken record i've become
yet my words still loop
on the tongue
you say that you do
but i know that you don't
you say you believe
i know that you won't
the chance has past
and come and gone
to prove myself
that you're all wrong

i am a diamond
shining quite bright
within a cave
in deep moonlight
but because the sun
shines brighter on you
it's assumed i don't crave
the same sunshine too
i want to feel heat
the same love and affection
i like to be wanted
i want the attention
but my lack of the day
and the way i was raised
made me look in depth and darkness
for all of the good
and because that's so different
i'm misunderstood

by day i am not myself
by night i cannot sleep
subconsciously i am terrified
and know that i am weak
you just keep on smiling
and i'll just keep on living
don't ask me how i'm doing
and i won't ask you how you're feeling
should i stay involved?
or should i step aside?
your heart is my prized possession
your love is my life
the thought of you going first
sickens me to the core
tears flood the center of my world
as the pain bludgeons me to the floor
of all the hard times we've faced
of all the struggles we had endured
i just knew our ending would be different
i was so god ****** sure

so here we sit day by day
as we take it one moment at a time
just know until the end i am always yours
and you are always mine

Don't fall in love with me
I'm a total *****
I'll make you let your guard down and you'll wish you never did
Let me be honest i have something to confess,
There's a man I love with all my ******* heart
But confused as **** as to what we want so we always tend to part
and he holds this control over my head making things a mess
Making me a mess
(and people wonder why I smoke cigarettes)

Oh, so you're still listening
This is good I guess
Friends?
I hate that word.  Because no man and woman can be just friends.
Love was there at one point, it's just at some point it had to end.
Unless it never did and you're one of those sorry ***** in love with your best friend

Okay, so I'm this great person
Am I worth it?
No.
Walk away while you can
I'm a broken, undecided, ball of confusion from loving one **** man
Am I happy?
Hell, I think I am.
When I'm not what do I do?
Spend my days and nights thinking about YOU

What kind of spell do you have me under? I'm all smiling and **** eyes are full of wonder
You make me blush
You make me wet
All my pain is gone and I forget
You say nice ******* things to me and make me feel like the most beautiful person in the whole entire world
It's then i realize I don't deserve you
and I'll never be your girl

It's messed up and I'm sorry for who I am
You say I'm perfectly imperfect
I just hope you truly understand

I imagine your breath upon my ear
whispering sweet nothings
and your hand upon my thigh
drawing hearts
and your nose nuzzling my cheek
yes this is new to me
But the sound of your voice entices me
and when I close my eyes
these are the very things I see
I am utterly infatuated with your being
and your poetry flows through my brain as a cord of lovely dreams
I blush at the thought of your touch
because I know you know what I feel
and what it means
and to be in your world is a blessing
But to be in your presence in physical form can be but a wish come true
My sweet friend

I smile
Just at the thought of
you

you take my hand and say,
            "i love you,"
you speak as if you'll go tomorrow

i grasp your fingertips and say,
            "i love you too,"
oh how our love has become lost in sorrow

you ask me when and if you'll die
should we be okay?
i ask why would you ask me so,
let's focus on today

you pull me close
i feel your warmth
i could live inside your skin
forever

the very thought of losing you
creates a storm within me
one i pray to not endeavor

            
"You mean more to me than you know..."
          words could never fully persevere

which is why i fully believe
my god will keep you here.

in the night calm when all are asleep
i lie awake and count my dreams
although i've suffered a nightmare
or two
it all provides purpose in what's to come
to differentiate between what is
and what isn't real
in hopes to remain dreaming
while sleeping still
and even to be lost in a daze
while fully awake
to evaluate my desires
within the vastness of life
picking apart the pieces deep inside
my brain
to the pit of my center
and still it seems i have failed to find
exactly what i was looking for
they say you're so young and
you have so much time

when not even my dreams
are so rightfully mine

be knownst to the outside as
particularly set
though i have painted the image
of one whom has never been lost
so when the nightly tremors
invade my slumbering place
creating a feast off the fear of my fate
i awaken in attempt to rebuild
what is to be
lacking the knowledge and senses
of the future unseen

i tell you this
believe in your nightmares
for they are as real as the day
they are a gathering of all things
you show resistance to
things of which make you afraid
slip into the unconscious
anticipating the unknown
embrace the substance of deep thinking
even as you close your eyes
the mind never sleeps
your hopes never die

as for me
i welcome the madness that keeps awake
i accept all the challenges
of an image to portray
for who i am to be when i fall asleep
is not the same person
when i wake

So you want to be kind, and all I ask is for a piece of your life.  I immediately jump off the cliff of conclusions and want what I simply cannot have. Please, whatever you decide to do, remain as open and honest as you can make me believe. And when you decide to put me down, will you lay me down easy?

For moments at a time in the short hours we've shared, I've fallen down the side of a mountain of despair and have enclosed my heart even though you have already been there. I cannot hide from you because you know me too well. Hidden deep in the lines, had you planned to deceive me?

I feel no less than a fool than to have opened my heart. Ashamed and embarrassed I showed you too much and now even you can see through my veil; and you know places in my world to the smallest detail. If I broke down like glass and said you really did hurt me, in an attempt to desert me, would you believe me?

We shared fragments of new beginnings that flourished in its own light. We were the food in our own bellies and the sun in the night. For every emotion raging inside you provided a safe place for my poet to hide.  But as rejection sinks into the skin, I feel the raging storm within me.  The storm we had created intently, and yet, evidently, I am standing alone in the left over rain wondering; why did you leave me?

Be it the soul to be pure as white
and the kiss of a dove doth kisseth me twice
I shall rest my head upon your skin
and thy slain heart before you shall lie
My prince, is that he?
Did the Heavens reign an angelic rejoicing
of re-hydrating rains
just to strike life back into the dead of me?
Shall he be thine King as I am to be thy Queen?

fighting to forget
but the fight can never end
so the memory always stays
at night when sleep is gone
the mind awakes
i fight for her
she's crying
the girl i met in the street
is the girl i used to be
innocence prevailed
until The Bad Man came
we've all seem him
he's ruined the world
and now we need strength
to rebuild it
will you walk with us
or will you hide behind the lies
with the rest of the cowards
who listens the epidemic doesn't exist
i will take the nightmares
i will relive the memory
if it means she doesn't have to

the girl in the street.

she is your sister
she is your daughter
she is your niece
she is your friend

won't you stop The Bad Man for her?

I'm trying to put on my eye liner
you know, get ready for the day
but these tears will not stop falling
and your smile never fades away
Instead of facing the fact you have died
I'm attempting to go on and live my life
but all I can do is cry

as sure as my skin feels
standing in the sunshine
i am sure of my love for you

as bright as the stars glisten
in the echoing sky to mirror
your eyes so blue

as high as the moon
from the tallest mountain
not even fate could undo

as bright as the heavens
as green as God's earth
i am sure of my love for you

There is no greater comfort
than lying next to the beat of your heart
The breath in your chest
The safety of your presence
With you my soul is calm
With you the monsters can't get me
With you my nightmares become dreams and soundly I sleep
Please, don't ever leave
My big brother you say
My best friend I say
My everything every day
No bond is stronger than the one that binds us together
And we will join spirits and continue to fight off argumentative aggressors
That will never understand
I am not your woman
You are not my man
But that is the beauty of it all; we don't have to explain a **** thing
Not to anyone
We know what we are and what we have and that it's special and that isn't something you can find in everyone
A friendship so true the word does it no justice
Moving beyond friends family blood and boundaries
I thank God I found you
and I thank Him even more that
You found me

i kissed my wife goodbye tonight
held my kids
and hugged them tight
my shift is more than nine to five
i'm blessed to punch the clock alive
to protect and serve
is what i do
my badge it shines
my heart bleeds blue
amongst the angered proclamations
i remain cautious to each situation
you see there's guys like me
here for the passion
then there's those who seek
authoritative access
intentions to hurt with permission to ****
to harass innocent people
detained against their will
i do not condone what those men allow
but when people see me
they see them
and i'm one of them now
we all look alike
same routine daily procedures
but i didn't want Alton or Philando
to be shot dead either
i am trained to protect, prevent, and to trust in the truth
not bully
not harrass
not execute
he does not represent me
just as the devil does represent you

i am sick in the soul
what do i do?
it was once white against black
now it's black against blue
but can't you see most of us
want peace and justice too?
let's get the bad guys out of here
send them to hell where they belong
show the world we can stand as one
while our voice remains strong

but you killed me before i could help make it right
but you killed me before we could join hands in the fight
but you stole me from my family like a thief in the night
but all you saw was the darkness as i was pushing for light

a **** for a ****
this is a battlefield shroud
as my kids wake from bad dreams
screaming out loud
the sobs from my wife drowns out the sounds

who declared this the answer to equality?

HOW?

I said, "I'm done with all this *******."
You replied,  "Then let's get a gun and put our heads together and end it now. It's better than dying slow."

I said nothing about taking you with me
I said nothing about taking myself but you saw my pain needed an outlet
And you wouldn't let me go alone

You said I can't give up
You said we're PB&J;
You said if I die, apart of you dies too

I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have a best friend like you

walking away doesn't make me a coward in fact it makes me one strong *** *****. and let me tell you what i know about love, it ain't nothing my mama didn't warn me about and here i am ****** up over loving someone just as ****** up as myself. ****. How did i get here? Crying over a situation i walked willingly into.. Crying cause i give my ***** to nothing but heartbreakers and then wonder why my insides are always aching for love, when in reality that's all it ever was (that ache). Even so, i usually give him the benefit of the doubt and feed the cheese to the mouse (did i really just say that?). Aladdin will show me a whole new world and not even really know me, and yet i ask you, my best friend, what our future is and you can't show me.. Life. Life. A sentence i can't seem to handle since its just falling apart.. i can't even get ahead by showing a little heart.. and every struggle and every trial and tribulation and unfair situation while trying to find myself some salvation for the love of something upstairs CAN YOU HEAR ME? While you say YOU SHOULD FEAR ME and i do so i bow down to worship Him (You) and then when my eyes open i am still standing at the same edge of sanity within. **** i saw myself in the mirror fifteen minutes ago and the reflection sealed my fate; maybe i'll just stand here, watch myself deteriorate back into a recognizable state.. back into the ***** that was the center of everyone's hate.. back into the ***** that ran the show and always showed up late. Ha. Yeah. Life. **** it. It's a date.

desires beneath the skin
result in sin
and if it is the only good kind
then count me in
where your heart is fast
your hands are too
where the skies roll dark
where the water's blue
it's all aligned for what's to come
and as it starts it's almost done
yet the pleasure overtakes the day
the sin will wash the pain away
you cannot stop
although you fear
what was once a thought
is now too clear
and here you lay beneath the moon
the entire world becomes your room

Listening to Donny Hathaway
And I'm singing this song to you
Can you hear me?
Deep in the clouds, high in the skies
Along banks of rolling rivers
Mountain tops and rolling tides
I love you for my life
You're a friend of mine

I cry because I miss you so
I never got to tell you how much love I have for you
How much I loved your soul and
I am afraid you'll never know
So can you hear me?
I'll love you for my life
You're a friend of mine
And I'm singing this song to you

Today I said my final goodbye
and did I mention how beautiful you were?
it was if you slept right through it all
not even realizing you're not here with us
I hugged your dad too tightly and said Katie taught me about God
I didn't know what else to say
but I said how I most remembered you
and I like remembering you that way
Your family has a strong link of faith
now I see how that's what you became
And though I lost my composure on the sidewalk on such a vibrant sunny day
I know there was no struggle
I know there was no pain

You hair was fire a gold; not just red (it was always my favorite part about you, not sure if it was something I ever said)
laid upon either side of your shoulders in a soft curl and draped around your face
Your nails were painted red and green
and you wore a red blouse with a beige scarf (wrapped loosely upon your neck with grace)
Stunningly beautiful you were
the most perfect I had ever seen
even in death, your radiance shone bright beyond the seams

Although my tears come and go,
and the sadness come what may
I know you had to go
and I know we had to stay
but we will meet again my friend
I will see you again one day

Thank you

For this place you call the land of the free;
a land full of debt, poverty, and incurable disease


A natural disaster can wipe a city completely off the map,
but financial assistance is rejected because another country needed that


Blow up a nation to rebuild a government that's non existent, while you've lost all interest of your own resulting in a crumbling system


You rank up the cost of living and lower the level of pay, and all those jobs that only require simple skills you send overseas to give away


Working hard and growing old was once the American dream, and we still pay our last pennies into that same bank; but that's money we will never see


Make illegal immigration a topic of social exception and fool the people into thinking it's not an economic crisis with your emotional campaigning deception


Require expensive, extensive college degrees for what only calls for common sense, and then pay minimum wage so that the people are forever in debt


Control everything we do yet still give us freedom of speech
So that we can only talk of our dreams and never practice what we preach


Committ a ****** in Illinois and you're behind bars forever on your knees
Committ that same crime in Florida and you're guaranteed to be free


Two of the same exact persons in dire need of the same heart,
One has enough money in his pockets giving him a head start
while the poor man is sentenced to death by not doing his part


America, what happened?
This is no longer your land
and it's no longer my land
it's simply crumbling cliffs of
old foundation
sifting into sand

Red
White
Blue

What do these colors mean to you?

i cry for words unspoken
i mourn for the loss of certainty
and it hurts the heart of the world;
the lack of accountability
a bridge swaying over troubled waters
like a tightrope in the sky
attempt to walk across with grace
even if i may die

i tried.

broken into a thousand pieces
I shatter to the floor
at the reflection of your sadness
I break into a hundred more
and even amongst the breakage
I cannot avoid what's true
for my soul is lost in hopeless wander
my heart is still in love with you
lost within your presence
lost within your sight
lost deep in the sunbathing daisies
lost deep in the woods of night
forgotten voices of Eden
I have eaten forbidden fruit
and the sinful crime I have committed
does not allow me to hide the truth
what is love when it is pain
beyond what can be measured?
what is loved when all that's gained
is irony and pleasure?

as I lie here broken as shattered glass
just leave me on the floor
don't attempt to glue the pieces
I shall remain broken forever more

Through a forest of evergreens, redwoods, and blooming lilies, growing oaks and trailing vines,
you took my hand and guided me through the wilderness;
picking berries and placing them upon my tongue between each kiss, you were everything I had dreamed of.

And as you drew your sword and I bare your witness we braved the mystical creatures with eyes of stone and heads of bats, hands of knives and teeth of silver.
Upon discovering a place to sleep, we found our blanket beneath the stars that moved about the sky in such a way that wasn't natural, but yet it provided the perfect light so that we could gaze deep,
deep,
ever so deep into one another's eyes as we became one in our body and minds.

When the sun had risen, we traveled some more, your smile planting roses upon my cheek. I have no desire to be anywhere else in this world at this very moment, sanity is something I shall no longer seek.
We are soon falling.
T
  U
    M
       B
      L
     I
   N
G
Between the trees and evergreens and crushing the lilies and berries and seeding bees and soon we found ourselves battered upon a beach.
I am slightly bruised upon my face, you kiss my wounds and they go away. I see diamonds about.. diamonds in the sand. When I glance at your open scars, I immediately realize the true delicacy you are; for your blood is made of the finest jewels, and I now had a lot of protecting to do!

In the distance we see a castle so very high, touching the sun and kissing the sky.
"How do we get there, what do we do?" I am worried and afraid, for we have come so far to have lost our way.
You chopped down every palm and built us a boat. You took the string from your clothing to provide us the rope. My Prince charming you, this castle shall be ours, and we will live in royalty.

As we set sail beneath the sky so bright, you kiss my neck, and you bite my skin, and you promise to never leave me. My existence gives in to yours and I invite you in, not caring who is watching.
And when we are through my smile is wide as the ocean, and your veins sparkle, reflecting the water so blue.
Our perfect sail quickly turned into a raging night as a terrible storm rocked our boat into crashing tides.
Rocking waves and lightening strikes I scream for you in deepest fright, you take my hand and say "It's going to be alright!"
We are thrown down into the ocean of tears, the one that had been cursed by so many fears.
I am slipping.
I am slipping away.
Everything is  f a d i n g
f a d i n g
to
gray
.
.
.
.

I awaken.
Face up on the boat, everything has gone black.
Though I see a glistening, and it's beautiful and it's you, and you smile.
"Let us continue my love, there is no looking back."

the house where no one lives anymore
down long roads untraveled
in empty chairs
where life
it was once there
away from the sun
in a dark dingy grim
hidden away you've sent me
the light is just memory
dried tears on a swollen face
it was good all good
yet you left me
in this place

just like that
the day is done
and what's
been anticipated
has dissipated
to none
far gone is
the moon
from its sun
yet i still feel
your heart
beat with mine
as one
drift off
beneath the stars
from where
you are
for our dreams
have just begun

yesterday i took the most hauntingly beautiful picture of the sunset
and i said slow down the car don't turn just yet
this is too beautiful not to share
in that very moment you crossed my thoughts
i knew you were there
to what do i owe this honor i said to myself
you smiled down from heaven and that was enough understanding in itself
lost in the beauty of the saturday
the relaxation
the serenity calm and peace
28 balloons for the birth of the deceased
it was your birthday and i didn't even send you a wish but looking back at that picture you knew it was me

look up at the sky
the stars pull you in a trance
the bending of the naked trees
the blowing of the rotten leaves
put my soul at ease
the warmth of the fire
fuel my heart's desire
the fear dissipates into the night
black as ever
and here we lie chained together
i've figured out who you are
you were never far
you kept me alive
but you had to die
and now i know why
my love for the thickness
the depth and the darknes
my constant need to fade away
from the heartless
i still look to you
my ember in the sky

...and when your insides hurt so
beyond the realm of what you know
is it then that you grasp on for dear light

...or do you let go?

Every time I try to write about you
My brain freezes
M heart stops
My soul drops

I can't get it out of me
It's stuck in a place that I cannot see

Every time I try to think of you
I cry
I laugh
I get sad

Your smile meant the wold to me
And now it's gone
You're gone
And I'm so mad

Why did you have to die?
WHY. DID. YOU. HAVE. TO. DIE.
Do you know how much you've left
behind?

I'll never feel your hug
Let alone your touch
I'll never hear your laugh
That I loved to hear so much

You were only 27
just a baby
that had babies of your own
You'll never see them grow
Where you went
I'll never really know

I miss you
I love you
And this is when I stop

Because I'm crying

she doesn't speak anymore
she only moves her eyes about the room following voices
listening

listening

listening to all of humanity become lost within its own realm of despair
becoming engulfed in the loss of hope
all the while feeling the sting from the whips of society upon her skin
simply for not giving in

so she chooses to be still
she chooses not to speak
because no one else will choose to listen

a taste upon the tongue
of unlikely understanding
as the rage boils through and through
until it cannot be suppressed

drowning deep in standing water
we lose our feet to sink below
into a seeping whole of nothingness
buried beyond the depths of our chest

uncanny to the news of reality
shedding layers of our skin
while replacing madness with sadness
and we dare not protest

but a moment in time is all it takes
to determine what the taste shall be
holding on to pride and hateful creed
yet letting go of all the rest

awake i lay
oh how life has changed
and the dark remains still
the air remains cold
here i am thinking
what does life behold

and as the devil comes for me
the Lord is at my side
a never ending battle of
lies and pain and truth
and i can never make a decision

I pray one day i'm forgiven

because here i lay drowning
beneath the dead sea
rain pouring tears from my soul
strained from ideas that won't grow
waiting for a sun that don't show
always pushed beneath my feet
the soil puts us all in a state of creed
seeking refuge in a God on our knees
walking the darkness i do alone
i dare not place upon a clean mind
the filth of the devil's home
trapped in broken promises
and lost within the finest line
dividing good from bad; yours and mine
and even after the prayers
and the song and praise
and the pastor's word on freedom
despite his sinful ways
the last of forgiveness lasts for days

and even though an angel came
to mend my broken heart
by planting a new seed

i can't breathe

I still have a hard time not crying
whenever I hear your name
and I still have a hard time facing the fact
that I will never see you in physical form again
I guess when you are faced with the choice of letting go or holding on and you're caught in the middle of an attempt to compromise
emotions you feel equally as strong

Let me replay in my mind that beautiful smile and contagious laugh
before I fully let go and let you be gone
But my mind won't let me forget you
and my heart tells me it's wrong
So please come and see me and know my friendship is beyond true
You took a huge part of the world from our lives when you left us
and we felt you left us far too soon
It will be five months on the fourth of June
and I still constantly, thoroughly, unconditionally think of you
My love for your family is unending and my love for you still remains
even amidst the saddest and deepest of pain
your smile still brings the sun to my rain

Oh Eric, so many of us want to know why;
so many of us desperately need answers
but all we can do is cry
...and carry on your legacy of being kind
...of being loyal
...and having fun
Though sadly your work here is done
God has given you brand new wings
and a perfect set of lungs
So you breathe baby,
you breathe the Breath of Life
and you continue to be the angel you were on earth;
today the angel in our minds
You have left a job behind, but please know it can be done
We stand behind you still
and I speak for everyone
Go where you want to go
and be who you want to be
but most importantly and above all else my friend

Be free

Eric,

be *free

i want to crawl into a hole
and possibly die
but death doesn't come easy
and neither does life
so i just cry
it's raining cold tears
from the midnight sky
the moon has become
my only source of light

Sometimes I think my mother hates me
Because I'm a slob
Because I'm not married
Because I'm still at home
Because I'm like my father

Not because I'm educated
Not because I work hard
Not because I try my best
Because I'm like my father

Because I must lie about not feeling well
Because it must not be that bad
Because I'm not the woman she wanted me to be
Because I'm like my father

You're just like your father
You live like a pig
You think that boy will ever marry you?
You don't know how we struggle

Because you're just like your father

I am my own being
but in your eyes
why even bother?