Sometimes I think my mother hates me
Because I'm a slob
Because I'm not married
Because I'm still at home
Because I'm like my father

Not because I'm educated
Not because I work hard
Not because I try my best
Because I'm like my father

Because I must lie about not feeling well
Because it must not be that bad
Because I'm not the woman she wanted me to be
Because I'm like my father

You're just like your father
You live like a pig
You think that boy will ever marry you?
You don't know how we struggle

Because you're just like your father

I am my own being
but in your eyes
why even bother?

God* came to me in a rain
and He spoke of Truth you could only seek in His Word
and He sang of songs unheard
of a promise only to His people
God's people
to
Us

And as He spoke I turned my head,
for fear someone might see me praising the rain like the dead
And the lightening struck in disappointment
and it was then I fully understood
How God created man for the greater good
how sin has taken over the land He created to be pure
how He has created people like me to preach the cure

You see
I let the water hit my palm
and trickle up my arm
and I cupped enough in my palms to cleanse my head
Thanked God for *His water and bread
and cleansed my soul in the Son, the Father, and the Holy Spirit
and I thanked Him from the depths of my heart
and I know that He will hear it

So I will carry out what God has asked me to do
He has given me the gift of words
to write what is real
to write what is true
to pour all of the meaningful promise
right into you

Let the Heavens open up and take a look deep inside
See what God has promised you!
The God of Abraham
The God of Israel
The Father of  Christ
and you thank Him
and you seek Him for all direction
For He will provide you protection

Because God is not in selfish churches tarnished by man
He  is  the water
He  is  the land
He  is  right with you
Right in your hand
Oh ye of little faith...
Do you not understand?
It is  God  I say!
It is  God!
It is  God  who will give us the riches of life

**Stop putting your faith into man!

Are you really sure?*
he asked me on a blind day
and I said **** it

Royalty they say
is something you're born into
or brought into
by the King of Hearts
what's that you say?
she's been summoned
by the Prince
to a world unknown
soon transition starts

A peasant turned Princess
who knew such a difference
from buttons to jewels
to China from dishes
and yet
humbled from her world before
resistance meets her at the door
love with her Prince
is tug of war
it seems their worlds keep them
apart

Oh to love with a wounded heart

she gives him her all and tries her best
she loves him all over
slips into the new life he's shown her
still a piece remains left to attest
her Prince is happy but not fulfilled
and she wonders if she should depart

a twinkle in the eyes
a bleeding love from the soul
made her realize to flourish
her garden must grow
the life of a Princess isn't just something you know
it takes time to become
what you've just never been shown

Oh to give life back to her heart

love takes its time
perfection perseverance
to build a shelter that can
withstand any storm
to create a house from the roots
where you'll lock up your treasures
and forever keep the blood of you warm

Oh Prince that be,
you must always be patient
for it is deeper than things that are seen
be kind to her heart
she is loyal to you
and only preparing to be Queen

i've held them in
and now they fall
it's a bittersweet taste after all

you love me forever
i love you the same

and it's for that very reason
we had to walk away

today.

back and forth it goes
my mind is doing that **** again
you know, when you avoid difficult decisions but they come back to haunt you and so you lay awake in the dark listening to anything and everything to shut it off

it's unavoidable
the brain will taunt you

so you start to talk to yourself in attempt to find some sort of reason
a reason for all the struggles and all the pain,
the very same storm that sends the flooding rain
Soon enough you're drowning and at this point it's sink or swim;
barely holding your head above water you're praying to be rescued and it's then you realize life's a game

that even if you're pulled ashore
you'll be back in that **** water
and laying in the dark again.

In this very moment
at this very stance
I breathe in the tithes of wonder
I give new light a chance
and in the days I felt I never could
I lift up my soul to dance
For there is no other place
nor spare time spent
that could replace this very heaven
this place of content

The tears that form are that of joy
there is no room for sadness, you know
and as I lay down my heart
with so many feelings to deploy
my happiness will only grow
Lost in music and rhythm so
the lyrics paint my life in melody
for the songs write my story in notes

I give way to the sounds that soothe me
Oh, how the music moves me

I can't understand why I cry at the thought of something that does not even exist
I guess it's the idea of a love that's lost that takes it's toll on a sacred mind as this

A broken heart is never
ever healed
only scarred
tucked away
and concealed
You never stop shedding tears
they only lessen
harden and
dry up over the years
However, the blood never, ever stops flowing
it never stops flowing
Do you understand?
it
never
stops

give fate a chance
and love again

you took my life by gracious storm
and weaved it in poetic form
what I thought was not the norm
you made it real in deep adorn
masked the pain with golden pride
you showed me worth from far inside
proud I became so I did not hide
i fell into your arms spread open wide
your words found their way into my heart
and turned my blood back into art
the connection spent will never part
something we knew right from the start
coincidences unexplained
what matters is the love obtained
pulled from the pits of soulful sane
you healed the hurt and took the blame
for making me smile
for making me weak
for its all worthwhile
for its greatness we seek

I knew one day I'd find my voice
it's all by chance and not by choice

Scarred for life
That's what they call it
You know, when you can't sleep at night
And you wake up to the sound of your heart
Pounding
Boom. Boom. Boom.
In your ears
In your soul
You have no choice but to go back
To the time that made you feel just as
vulnerable.
Boom. Boom. Boom.
There it is again. Now your mind is awake.
And you're  thinking of every bad thing
You have ever gone through,
And you're thinking of every bad thing you have yet to go through
That you could go through
That you should go through;
You see how the mind works?
Now it's all your own fault.
Boom. Boom. Boom.
No wonder you're scarred for life.

we slipped up and got tangled
in sheets of passion
and amidst the anger
the getting caught in the moment
the need for release because
i was just so ******* *******
you crossed my mind
and i almost said your name

My Lord
the most High
I am far unworthy
and yet you clothe me
and bathe me
and nurture me like an orphan
back to life
Although I have never denied You
I have sinned against You
One too many times
and yet You forgive me
every
single
time

Father God I do not come to ask You of anything, just to say
thank You.
I thank You for healing me.
I thank You for walking with me.
I thank You for carrying me when I could not stand,
and I thank You for being the very breath of life that you exhale into my soul when I no longer have the will in me to live for myself.
I thank You for every struggle and for every hardship,
for my struggles are incomprehensible to that of the Son of God.

To think, the being of one man, the sole purpose of this one man, was to live only to die at the hands of those who did not believe,
only to rise again and provide salvation, truth, and life to those of us who do.
What darkness will become of me if I leave
the demons behind to fall to my knees and worship the most High.

The devil is a lie.

And it has been proven over again and yet we still battle within ourselves,
we battle with the churches,
and the world,
and the most High Himself.
If we know the truth,
the way,
and the answer,
Why do we continue to question our being,
and more importantly God's plan?

The devil is a wolf in sheepskin
beware of his doings.
But know that Jesus was also tempted,
and tested,
and he questioned,
just like me
and just like you.

the only sound to be heard
is the furious pace of fright in my chest
stuck behind a wall with **** for windows
i cannot see what is coming next

sometimes you just can't stop crying
and you don't know why
but you know the river runs deep
hence the tears never seem to dry
you wait for a break in the clouds
and you pray to see the sun
even beneath the dying rainbow
your work is never done

all you know is the river runs deep
and you pray to see the sun

You tell me you're there for me no matter what
So don't ***** when I need a moment to complain about my pain or being sick
Maybe it'd be easier if I was quiet I mean physically I already suffer in silence
So what would make this any different?  
Matter of fact when I die,
don't be one of those idiots falling over my casket making a scene as if you actually gave a **** about my demise
You need attention I'm sure
Oh my poor friend has an illness of no cure
Feel sorry for me see here I am I brought you gifts is that enough?
No ******* keep your material things I don't need them sure as ****
Your condolences and waves of support funny I never do see them
But when I'm on the brink puking into the toilet bleeding in the sink
Then you want to stop and think
Maybe I should offer her help

**** it. I'll live alone and die by myself.

Like a the thief in the night stealing my strength to say no
and enhancing my ability to say yes
I cannot resist
And in the end I'm caught in a pool of regret
swimming in a sea of what shouldn't be
feeling euphoric bliss
To continue on into the moment as if rules hadn't been broken
I walk in silence wearing the crown of shame, looking to place the blame
Because I gave in to the simplistic demons that I could not resist

I write you sweet *** love poems like you're the greatest thing that has ever occurred in my life
Then you **** me off and make me think twice
You're far more selfish than you think and I'm sick and tired of you always turning the blame on me
I've purposely done things to you that you've done to me just to see your reaction
And of course you never surprise me with your words and actions always looking for your own satisfaction
How am I supposed to be cruising on a one way street? In one direction by myself on my feet?
And yet you have the nerve to ask me, "what does this mean?"
Take care of home, you tell me, take care of home
We have no house we have nothing but the rotten chains holding us together seemingly forever so what fool says take care of home?
Leave me alone, I say, leave me alone
But you won't

And the endless cycle of love and hate begins
Don't be fooled; nobody ever wins
We ride the roller coaster over and over again until our hearts break so bad they're impossible to mend
And then I'm looking like a ******* because I can't figure out if I'm your woman or your crutch now tell me what is that about?

I could go on and on and you'll read this and tell me I'm wrong like you always do
Like you always say I turn things around to put pity on you
Like you always say if you're tired then leave
If you were the man you say you we're then you'd set me free, but no, of course not
It's always on me

I am in love with you
but you are not mine
just like that
I have fallen

for

you

in a cold hotel room
I undressed and
became your prey
you devoured my heart
I became your slave

just like that
I submit

to

you

my mind is lost
in cigarette smoke
as we puff away the truth
my body aches from your abuse
I know you'll never call

just like that
I believed

a

lie

your answering machine
is quite lovely
you sleep so good in white
I look to the ceiling
and now I feel ugly


just like that

I cry tears of laughter thinking of all the amazing memories I shared with you
I cry tears of immense sadness because I will never create a memory with you again

My friend

I looked forward to your hugs
I looked forward to your smile
Though as we got older and life got in the way there wasn't enough time
And that was my biggest regret yet

My friend

I miss you so much I cannot even imagine what your family, your brothers, your sisters, your parents
...what they have to endure

My friend

My emotion takes no form as it hits the page because in writing of you I could go on for days
I wonder where you've been
how often you come and go
Since there is no longer limitations to your soul

My friend

I love you so much
I miss you even more
I look at your picture and I still shed these tears as if I've never bled before
You were the universe to all of us
The sun the moon the stars and the sky

*My friend

I used to look at your smile and laugh
but now it makes me cry
because you're no longer amongst us in the physical world
you are only the memories I desperately cling to
the pictures I kiss every day
you are a spirit in the sky

My friend, the sweetest I had ever known
he would give you the shirt off his back
if you needed it you know
and even if he didn't have any to give, he would dig deep for a stranger
Because he knew and understood the struggle
and he knew the love of the Word
and he knew the love of a child
and he had the best laugh you'd have ever heard

I wish I could feel your hugs again
they were the best
I could be hurt, sad, lonely, and just the sight of you lifted Satan off my chest

You were too good to be here
I guess that's why God took you so soon

You were better fit for His kingdom
and if I ever get to see you again,
then I hope I am too.

the lone road we walk is that of
a dream
a path of uncertainty nobody
sees
hold on to the dark and call it your
friend
they don't understand and they won't
in the end

****.
Life is so hard.
Like really hard.
Like so hard if I knew then what I know now
If I could turn back the hands
If I could turn around
It would be different, yes
It just might be
Just slightly
They told me to hold on tightly
That the devil spits his **** like lightening
And even though God is there
It seems He don't care
On my knees begging please please please
In silent prayer
I pinch myself to awake from the dream
I've lost control
No intervene
This **** sure isn't what it seems

When I say life is hard
It's not the bills
The baby daddy the broken toilet
The running water the standing still
It's the battle of our minds
The tugging of our hearts searching
Searching for peace we'll never find
Then we become blind
And leave all sense of reality behind
Still searching for the ****** up fairytale
Buried deep beneath our eyes

Life is hard
Life is hard
Life is hard
There is no easy way out if you think along those lines
Go ahead and **** yourself
Your soul may still decline
Because you didn't leave any of your baggage behind
And then you're left in immortal death
Wandering
Saying to yourself
****.
Life is hard.
Life.
Is.
Hard.

paint me a picture
using liquid golden sun
sign it, seal it, and deliver it
when you're done

and as you stand right at my doorstep
please tell me i'm the one

i wish you to be a fearless soul
no longer bound by the yield and anxiety
of the mind
as i lay my head upon your rising chest
i hear a pounding sound
the song of a true heart everlasting
leaves a softened voice within my ear
the things you say only flutter my heart
and arouses my own flesh to be as great as you
a mind as complex as a maze is a gift to treasure
observant eyes and ears that present to you the madness of the world
all the while love pumps through your veins to allow the shedding reign of emotions to fall upon your cheek as a river

please do not be subtle in your dreaming
but be the man God intended you to be
and if you cannot do it for you or Him
then i beg of you

do it for me.

As the wind sifts strands of hair across my face unsmiling
I chase the waves of smoke from my cigarette as I see my life unwinding
And every single hurt and pain I have ever known has hit me with truth so blinding
I've been sitting here while working so hard in hopes of one day finding
that motivation in my soul that keeps becoming lost behind me
You can say you mean the best and that I will find out soon enough in timing
But tell me since you know so much how can I stop the pain from binding
sticking to my being and causing so much sickness inside me
And when my true self can finally come out from hiding

If she ever can.

You inspire me in more ways than one,
to bless the world with my thoughts
and write symphonies with my tongue
A fellow writer and friend you have deeply become
I thank you for your wisdom
and insightful teachings
and long conversations
and conceptual meetings
This connection we share is not of the norm, but from a divine intervention with the perfect intention to lead our creativity by storm
So take hold of my hand and let's sing the unsung!
For this is only the beginning;
our time is not done