I stare at the clock on my bedside table watching each minute pass by.

Clear your mind i keep telling myself, Clear your mind.

The red light from the alarm clock seems brighter tonight or maybe its just darker?

Seems like ever thought iv ever had is rushing at me all at once.

Im wondering if i will ever sleep again.

Another minute passes by.

I think of all the people i have ever upset, or times i wishing i had done or send something but didn't.

I think of the people i have lost, My Nan, My aunt and friend.

I have flash backs to the time i drove into a flood and the water flowing over the bonnet.

Another minute passes by.

I think about my aunts dog who was stolen from her garden 20 years ago. It must have been so scared. I hope it didnt get hurt.

I think about getting a drink but then decide it will wake me up more.

Another minute passes by.

I try to clear mind, count back from 100 i tell myself.

100, 99, 98, 97,

what color bin do i put out tomorrow?

96,95,94,

I must remember to check the tyres on my car.

93,92,91,

Another minute passes by.

Whats that noise, is there someone in the house?.

90,89,87

Maybe i should get up at check? Na it will be nothing.

78, 77 have i missed some numbers?

Another minute passes by.

Did i just dream that? Did i fall asleep?

I tell myself i am happy being single.
You tell me thats not true.

I tell myself i dont need a family of my own.
You tell me you would make a fantastic father

I tell myself you will see the real me eventually and leave anyway.
You tell me you know me and that will never happen.

I tell myself im a waste of space and the world would be better without me.
You tell me im not and your life is better with me in it.

I tell myself if it wasnt for you i dont know where i would be.
You tell me i will never have to find out.

I tell myself how lucky i am to have you.
You say the same.

Im in a room full of people.
In my head im alone.

People tell me you an amazing person we like having you around.
In my head im alone.

Please come out tonight they say, your the life of the party.
In my head im alone.

Its amazing how i can look on the outside when in my head im alone.

Why do nice guys always come last?
Iv got so much love to give.
I would do everything in my power to give you the best life.
I would be loyal.
You would be loved.
You could trust me with everything.
Our children would know a loving father.
But it feels like you dont want that.
It feels like you would rather be with a player.
It feels like you would rather be cheated on.
It feels like you would rather you children didnt know there father.
Maybe you dont really want the nice guy?

Is it weak of me as a man to admit to wanting a hug?

Does it make me less of a man to say how much i crave a person's touch?

As a man an i aloud to say i feel lonely?

Whatever your answers I still just want a hug.