I went to your house today to see your mom.
It was weird.
There were photos of you everywhere;
On the walls, on the shelves, in the kitchen and bedrooms..
The only place that lacked a reminder of you was the bathrooms.
There we were,
Surrounded by your things,
All trying not to cry.
Trying to pretend that you're not actually gone.
Tia told me I could play your ukulele,
And as I held it in my hands,
I swear I could feel you there watching us.
We were surrounded by your things,
And I just hope that a piece of your soul is with your mom.
She needed you.
She loved you.
And now all she can do is be
Surrounded by your things.

How dare you make fun of my dead friend?
How dare you?
How dare you use his death as an excuse to say that you're happier than me?
How dare you?
Death isn't funny, and it's not something to use
Against someone.
How dare you?
It's not something to mess around with to gain sympathy,
Or to make yourself feel better simply because
You don't like someone.  
How. Dare. You.
The rage I'm feeling at the Universe we live in,
Is not directed at anything.
Except for the unfairness of life and how life
Takes the things we love most.
How dare you use that against me?
*H O W  D A R E  Y O U

It's been seven months since I last saw everyone that ever mattered to me.
I've been anticipating my homecoming for two months because I missed my family.
I missed my older brother's ridiculous mannerisms,
His goofy laugh and stories.
It's been seven months since I've seen and heard any of that.
I needed my mother, because what child doesn't?
I missed her warm hugs and genuine smiles.
I missed her boyfriend and her silly nicknames she'd come up with for him.
I missed my dad and singing songs around the house with him.
I missed how he'd randomly burst out into song and dance.
I missed the smell of his cologne mixed in with cigarette smoke.
I missed my little brothers and sisters.
The shine in their eyes, the trill of their laughter.
I missed the smell of East Troy after it rains.
The quiet streets at night, and the chill of the air in the mornings.
I missed the lake, the fish, and the bugs.
I'm so happy to be back here spending time with my family and my friends.
That's what I came here to do.
I came here to create memories with my family that I only get to see about twice a year.
My life is perfect right now, and nobody can ruin it.
I'm home, I'm happy, and I don't have to worry about anything or anyone
Except for myself.

One year ago today, Christina Grimmie was taken from us. I remember sitting in my best friend's room watching her videos and saying "How does she even hit those notes!?!?" And since then, I've been there with Christina every step of the way. From her first Twitter account, to Find Me, to winning the iHeartRadio contest. Even her Hannah Montana days. (Lol). When I discovered Christina, I was immediately inspired to become more like her music wise. I started singing more. I started playing piano more. I learned a whole bucketful of new instruments because she inspired me to. And then one day, she answered a snapchat and just kind of started replying to me. We weren't at all super close, but close enough. Not only was she an inspiration, she was kind enough to be a friend. This year has been a weird year for Team Grimmie. It's been very confusing. But I couldn't be more proud of Christina than I am right now. She's come so far, even after she passed. I'm so proud of you, girl.

Love, me.

Not a day goes by anymore where I don't
curse this volatile world for bringing me into it.
I'm angry.
I'm Sad.
I hate everything.
I'm a coward.
And I hate God and all religion.
I'm just an infantile complain-ee who can't seem to feel anything except hate and anger.
I'm over the death and the sadness and the violence of this iniquitous, depraved place we humans call Home.
Everyday, I wake up to the anger in my burning, nauseous stomach and wonder why I have to be such a coward.
Sometimes life is great but then I'm reminded that life involuntarily defecates on everything that matters even a little bit.
I used to pray to your so called God for help
Because it was what one of my friends would have done.
But now I see that even in her time of need, He was gone.
The devout little Christian girl that Christ didn't want to save simply because it would require work.
There is no hope for this manic, putrid planet.
I'm done being nice and pretending that I'm a good person.