Heart pounding,
Stomach churning,
Hands shaking,
Panic.

I wake up feeling
oh so nauseous
why is my heart
pounding in my chest?

I tell myself:
"you're fine"
"it's all in your head"
"just breathe"
but then why do the symptoms feel so real?

My thoughts are racing
in time with my pounding heart beat
My stomach queasy and my
body trembles like a shaken leaf
blowing in the wind.

The panic makes it seem
like I will never feel well again
I crave to be normal
to not feel like I'm dying
just from waking up.

You’re losing your grip on me
Your control built on hate
Is crumbling away

I am healing
Someday there will be no part of me
That you have touched

Bruises have faded long ago
Internal scars take longer
To disappear

My sense of self
Was nonexistence with you
Because of you, because of me

Someday I will no longer feel your hands
On me, hurting me
The memory will fade

I will no longer remember
In shades
Of black and blue

I am happy today
Knowing that soon
I will forget you

Forget the shouting
Sounds of broken things
Crashing against the wall

Forget the feel of your hands
Squeezing and
Filling me with disgust

I am still in pain
The aftermath of a war
That you declared on me

Your words still have a hold
But they are fading
Into nothing

Just like you

I used to see the world
In shades of black and blue
Like the imprints of hands
Like the images of my bruised skin

With you, my dear, I see in color
A new world is awakened,
With you by my side
Slowly healing my scarred heart

Sometimes my world fades
I go back to hues of blue
The bleakest shades
Memories **** me in, suffocate

You bring me back
Set my feet in place
Your easy smile, admiring eyes
Pull me back to earth

You're ridiculous and difficult
You care too much
I know I don't deserve it
But someday, I'll earn that devoted love

I don't need a hero
Someone to swoop in at the last minute

I don't need a human savior
You don't know what you're doing

You think you're so high and mighty
Angelic goodness wrapped in flesh

You're so blinded by your haughtiness
You can't see that you're living death

You only know how to use
To take until there's nothing left

Too bad I know your tricks
It won't be me that's left for dead

I can take care of myself
I know how to write out the pain

I love the friends I've made
Something you'll never obtain

I’m sorry
I’m sorry for always saying sorry
I’m sorry I don’t know how to not feel sorry

I’m sorry if you don’t understand
Why I have to always say sorry
I’m sorry

Sorry sorry
I’m sorry for everything
Apologize for breathing

I’m sorry I let him make me feel sorry
Panic at imaginary mistakes
I’m sorry

I had to apologize for being alive
So sorry, don’t be angry
I’m sorry

I made sure to apologize
When he got that look in his eye
I’m so sorry

Don’t make eye contact
Look down at the ground
I’m sorry

Sorry sorry sorry
I’m sorry
Maybe someday, I won’t feel sorry

I can still hear your voice
Your whispers of painful truths
Your hands slide around my waist
I have to suppress a shiver of disgust

I can still feel your fingers
Curled tightly around my wrist
In a bruising grip
Your anger coats the room

I can still hear the sound
Of things thrown around your room
Yelling and screaming
The panic rising in me

I can still feel your breathe on my neck
The memory makes me shudder
Possessive hands on my hips
“You’re mine” is supposed to be endearing right?

I can still hear your rules
Echoing in my head
Don’t talk to them, don’t go out
Don’t you dare disobey me

I can still feel every bruise
I can hear all the horrible things you told me
I am worthless
Who could want me, besides you?

I may still hear you
I may still feel you
But I do not need you
And someday, I will not believe you