I need to be wasted.
like a coward, I hide behind
The glass. Too weak to face
The fears a long time coming.

Floating, in a state,
Of half consciousness.
Drowning out loneliness.
Grasping to hold on through
Clenched fist, you slipping
Outside my reach.

Every opportunity wasted,
Running from innocent
Intentions of simple ideas.
Just to live and breathe
My struggle in sync with
Your pain and passion.

Walls are constructed to
Keep out intimacy's ruin.
But like a prison, chain me.
To the life absent of you,
Over and over, each time
More gut wrenching than the last.
So I order another drink.

Tone radiating hate,
Heed the words against
Humanity.

I am a misanthrope.
Not the fools with empty
Hearts masking open wounds.
Nor the psychotic mind
Seeking pleasure in misery.

Observing, in such a way.
To see the humans scurry like ants.
Stepping on eachother to succeed
In pointless attempt at hollow lives.
Bloodshed, tears and bad jokes.
Do not tell me love is the cure
For it is the cause.

My fondest desire, a world
Without humanity. Purging
Our evil from the sweet earth.
We do not belong here.

I have to be strong for other people.*

This is all that I know.

I cannot, must not, break down
in front of another human.  
My pain takes a backseat to theirs.
Cast aside, on my own comand.

I still feel the pain, however.
And when I'm alone...
Sometimes, when alone,
I remember.
I break.
I hurt.

Then I walk out.
Ready to take on another person's burdens.


(d d.b)

I'm fine, I say
My fingers crossed

No, really, I'll be
Okay
Truth is for weaklings, right?

Oh that scratch? I'm
Klutzy is all
A little lie is all
Y**eah, okay, maybe I'm not fine

I watched you give her the kiss of life
I closed my eyes, a memory returned
of the day you gave me
the kiss of death. Then, I drowned in the waves of your deceit, & those
fraudulent lies flooded my lungs
like an overflowing well.

The day before it happened
a deep resounding stillness,
the calm before the storm, &
now I'm choking on toxic gas
the smoke of your words
leaving me breathless
needing the kiss of life.

© Sia Jane

It's okay
I'm used to it
Being a disappointment
I've become numb
To the pain
That comes with it
It's okay
I'm used to it
Being a useless mess
I've become cold
To the ache
That accompanies it
It's okay
I'm used to it
Even though I shouldn't
I no longer feel
The hurt
That comes each day
*it's okay
i'm used to it

it is 4:30 in the morning and I should be sleeping
the thought of you keeps me awake, I dont know what to do
the words you spoke to me are repeating themselves in my mind
and Im here laying on my bed thinking, how can this be real life

did he meant what he said this time, was everything he once told me true
or was all of this just a lie and he is just trying to play with me

the only thing I know right now is the fact that I cant sleep
because everytime I think of him it makes me wanna die
my stomach hurts and I want to rip my heart out, break every bone

and he knows he can do these things to me, making me feel this way
and I know I can make him feel the same way, just by looking at him

I dont even remember why I fell in love with him in the first place
maybe it were his eyes, oh yes it were his eyes, his brown reddish eyes
or maybe it was his attidude or his smile, his humor or his short temper

now its 4:42 in the morning and I wonder do I want this
do I want to wake up to him every morning laying next to him
do I have the patience to deal with his anger and the way he behaves

he is everything I wanted but nothing what I needed, nothing

I think Im just afraid to close this chapter of my crazy life
I like him being around to watch over and make sure I do the right thing
it always felt safe having him, asking me those uncomfortable questions
he always made me realise what I was doing and how I was feeling

this boy was my first love or maybe he still is a little

and it wouldn't be fair to play this game with me because he knows
I am the one who is going to lose