I wanted to wait a whole year to write again and stopped myself short
Not a lot has changed these days except for the fact that I find myself more and more
Having conversations with you, lord
Not just "why god?" or "I don't understand war
or cancer in children or having to beg to be forgiven" - my knees are practically through this floor
I'm pleading yet more positive; I've gained perspective
Learning to give respect more and allow myself to be respected
Letting go of the past and becoming more accepting
Giving love to parts of me I once neglected

But still I fail to comprehend why I'm so angry at you
And, at times, all of those that have done me wrong
Wish I didn't have to rhyme or think how this would go in a song
I want to say, "**** all of that" and move along

But this is the man I have become. The beast of burden we have made.
I will keep moving and stay smiling because the sun never shines in the shade.
It cost me so much to get to where I am - I will not take for granted my happiness
But don't for one second think I need you, I am blessed

Because I made the choice.

You don't live here anymore
And I'm glad you don't.

I wonder if you've noticed I've left that port city we came to know together
Vanished like many of the winds on the Atlantic do
And all that remains of me there will either live on only in memory
Or die with your lack of sleep and sympathy.

I find it tragically beautiful;
How angry I am and how much I love you
Or did.
Hard to tell if I still do when I'm too hung up on remembering you.

Every single detail, bittersweet.
My heart pounds as I can feel how close we used to be
Both physically and spiritually.
Can't breathe.
The hardest part of this is not knowing whether you think of me.

My mind is flooded with images and sound:

How you used to crinkle your nose, your luscious brown hair and silky olive skin,
The way your voice glided into the most beautiful high notes,
And yet
You always hated all that I loved.

Now, I fear, you resent my caring for you and tending to your wounds

You are gorgeous, even when you leave.
What a lovely bird; what spiteful wings.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
And I don't think anyone ever will.

Running, never pacing myself.
Exhausted. Lonely. Not always alone.
Often wonder what you're doing.

I hold my breath like I hold back tears
And count to ten.
With each number, I only recall memories of better times

By rivers, by lakes, by fires, by friends;
By your side (most importantly)
And you always calling everyone "love"
And how I wished I could be.

Then darkness washes over;
I remember the flotsam amongst the wreck.
The ship was gorgeous but the parts were not, little bird.
I begin to remember the debris and trying to pick up pieces.

Like eating glass, every bit harder to swallow - the nights haunt me but perhaps I should find comfort;
At least one of us didn't sleep alone.
And how I wish it could've been me.

I want to travel to space if only to fly directly into the sun
I want to scream at a mirror until I lose my voice
I want to feel the world tremble for me
I want to strike fear and strike first

I want to destroy everything beautiful that I've worked so hard for
I want to watch my own funeral and get lost in the flames engulfing my body
I want to ****; **** love, I want visceral, shallow insecurities to ebb and flow
I want to feel like myself again but in a better body

I want to know why I was made to die.
I want chaos.
I need sleep.
They keep me sick so that I can feel better.
"It's all in your head".