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Rowan May 2018
I want to know what a perfect day is
I want to know what the feeling of their lips on mine is
So I can say that I know how they taste
I want to go wander with them and get lost
So that we can find ourselves
I want to whisper sweet nothings into their ear
Until my throat runs dry
I want to laugh until my sides hurt with them
Making new memories for us both
I want to tell them how much I love them
Because I don't know how much time I have left
But most importantly I want to have a perfect day with them
So that before I die I can say
"I know of a perfect day, and all it took was one person staying with me."
One day I will experience the perfect day
Rowan Jul 2019
Sleep is a beautiful thing, sadly I can't ever get enough of it
She seems so close, yet she is always just out of reach
She taunts me gloating of how heavenly she is, torturing me
Others can easily get to her while people like me struggle for even the smallest of touches
She only appears when she isn't needed
In my classes, during practice and when I need to go out
Then and only then does she grip me tightly not willing to let me go
She knows what she's doing and yet she won't stop
Yet still when I need her most she disappears
So sleep child and leave your fears behind you
Create a world of your own design
Live and thrive there
Let it become your own, because when you grow
Your monsters will follow you and sleep will abandon you
Rowan May 2018
On that day the birds were chirping
Dogs were barking
Children were outside laughing
Parents were watching them laughing along with them
All oblivious to the one house
The house that has a blanket of silence bundling it
Wrapped so tight that it was suffocating
But if you listen carefully enough
You can hear someone whispering
Whispering three cursed words that would haunt everyone
"He is dead..."
He had been dead for three days
Three days had gone and pass
Days in which I carried on like nothing was wrong
Because to me nothing was wrong
The children still played
The birds still sang
The world still spun
Yet he wasn't here anymore
I wanted to scream and shout
"Stop! How can you all be fine, he is gone, nothing is fine!"
All the adventures we planned to go on
All the hobbies we said we'd do
All the promises he couldn't keep
The worst part of all this
Is that I am beginning to forget
Forgetting the adventures
The promises
How his face looks
How his voice sounded
How I will never actually get to see him again
Despite the fact that he was so happy
Despite the fact that the doctors said he was getting better
Despite the fact that he worked so hard
He still died, even on a sunny day in April
This is dedicated to my cousin who died on April 1 (I know, the irony) who was my best friend and the brother I never had.
Rowan Jan 2020
can't sleep

i'm overcome by monsters, dark and vicious, ready for a feast

           i can see them coming after me if i close my eyes for too long

they're strong, sadistic, twisted clawing towards me

           among them are shadows with claws, open jaws

some are people though, eyes full of anger and hunger
      smiles large and disturbing
          
           i see my father, i see the boogeyman i hid from as a child

i see
                            
                                ­       Nothing

it always stops right before they reach me

               shaking, afraid, tired
  
                      Oh so very tired

i've wrapped myself so tightly in blankets to stop the shaking but it does nothing

               i've resorted to sleeping with a light, trying with all my might to ignore the shadows

they dance and turn, howl and cackle, gaze and smile, beckon me to join them

                      i am scared
                      
                                   ­                   i am lost

                                                           ­                           i am alone

why can't i find home, i know the address

         know what it looks like but my maps don't lead me there

No
               it leads me through a hell unknown

tell me when does it end?

           because i'm tired of this game and just want some comfort

before i can no longer breathe
Rowan Feb 2018
It seems as though it will be a decent day
That is until I bumped into someone
It's not a big deal
He didn't get mad or shout
But my heart begins to race like a runner that is trying to win
And a little voice whispers in my head
"faster, faster faster..."
I speed up my pace a bit
I just need to get to math, then I can sit
But it feels as though people are staring at me
Am I not passing?
Can they see who I'm not?
"Faster, Faster, Faster..."
The voice grows
I put my head down and try to avoid making eye contact
But I snap it back up to make sure I don't run into anyone
Up, down, up, down, up, down
Just stay down
"FASTER, FASTER, FASTER..."
The voice screams in my head
My heart feels like it's trying to jump out of my chest
My chest is tightening
I can't breathe
I CAN'T BREATHE
I can't focus
What is happening to me?
Why can't I stop?
I need to stop
To stop
Just stop
Please
Stop
Rowan Aug 2019
i have flown in a plane and i hated it,
but when i look towards the birds i can't help but to want to join them

it took me a while for me to realize what it was that i wanted
then it hit me, as most thoughts do, out of the blue
i remembered the story of Icarius and what happened to him
once he gained his freedom he became drunk on it
his addiction made him blind to the dangers of his freedom
thus he died at the hands of what he craved in life
much like him i want freedom

i don't want to deal with my unsupportive mother who doesn't believe in what i feel
i don't want to be stuck living in fear of my father and all he could do
i don't want to have to keep pretending i am one person around my family and another around my friends
i don't want to live in the body i was given
because despite everyone calling it a gift
i can't help but to laugh because to me it is a curse in which it is **** near impossible to live in
and yet each day i go on hoping that when i'm old enough life will get better

that my mother will accept me, and my father will leave me be
that one day i will be who i truly am and my friends and family will know that me
that one day i will make my body my own
eventually the day will come when i get my freedom
Rowan Apr 2018
Love is portrayed as such a beautiful thing that many want
Not all get it, and those who do are "lucky"
People trip and tumble over one another
Clawing and reaching for this thing called "love"
Thinking it will help them
They don't understand that it comes with more than their told
It's not just cuddles on rainy days, and kisses that seem surreal
It's being up a 3 am wondering if you good enough for them
Watching them at their worst and not being able to do anything
It's holding them and telling them that
"It will all be okay..."
When you yourself don't even know if it will
Love isn't just all of the good things, it's the bad things too
I guess that's why people fall out of love
Yet despite all of that, some come back to love again
It just might be worth it all
The heartbreak, joy, fear, and surprise
It all might be worth it
If I can simply have you in my arms
Rowan Apr 2018
Sometimes I listen to sad music
And when I hear the melodies begin I feel the sensation flood over me
Washing away every other emotion or thought
My mind becomes blank, the only thing present are the song lyrics
Sometimes an emotion will break through the barrier the music makes
Sometimes the music pushes the intended emotion it was made from on me
I'll cry or scream or laugh or just exist
Music seems to do that to you
And I love it
So yeah, sometimes I listen to sad music
Rowan May 2018
I crave for your taste
You're sweet, strong, and flood my senses
Warming me from the inside out
When my lips touch you I shiver from delight
I know you are bad for me though
But you're so good that I don't care
You make me anxious more so than normal
As I think of the people judging me for having you
You make me restless as I pace the floors
Worried of when you'll leave me again
I can't stop shaking and moving
If I stop it feels as though I'd be doomed to die
Then later as you finally leave me
I crash, falling over myself from exhaustion
I love you, I need you
But you're not good for me
When this isn't about a person, but caffeine. I am sensitive to caffeine and this was to help my friend understand my thought process as I drank it and instantly regretted it.
Rowan Feb 2018
Dear Deadname,
Someday I will be able to look at old pictures of you without disgust
I will look at your long dark hair and remember how much you loved it
Loved running you hands through it as you untangled it from its curls
I will remember how it felt between my own fingers
Silky and smooth and how much I loved it myself
Your eyes that were so dark they looked black
And how at the mention of books, or cake they would light up like the Fourth of July
How your smile was so full, and real
With no underlying intent
Especially how your skin would become so dark in summer
Yet so pale in winter, and still look beautiful on you
Even your petite shape was something I fell in love with
How you fit so perfectly in anyone's arms
And maybe even one day I will be able to utter your name
I am not ready yet, though your name is a beautiful one
I want you to understand that some day I'll love you but until then
                                                            ­                             Sincerely, Rowan
This is just something I needed to do for myself.
Rowan Dec 2019
"Our love was written in the stars!" You would shout
I would disagree though
Because to me WE are the stars
Two different stars who have found one another
Hurtling towards one another, fast and hungry
Desperate to reach the other
Until finally they're in one another's view
Time seems to slow down
Eyes meeting
Arms out stretched
Creeping towards one another
Until we hit
Mouths locked in a passionate kiss
Everything around us is being engulfed in a blinding light
We don't care or seem to notice
Instead of destroying one another
We meld and mesh into one
No supernova
Creating a bigger, brighter star
It feels like hours but it has only been seconds
Finally we are one
A new beautiful star with a new universe
Spectacular and full of new life
All because stars collide
Rowan Oct 2017
I remember when I thought I was weak
Sometimes I still do
But then I remember what a friend once said to me
She was trying to calm me down from a panic and asthma attack
I sobbed and apologized for being so weak
She told me to look at her as she rubbed soothing circles on my back
"Max, you are one of the strongest people I know
Everyday you get up and you live
You struggle to get your binder on
You struggle to be recognized as the boy you are
You deal with idiots who call you names and taunt you
So no, Max you are the strongest and manliest of men I know."
That night I learn that I wasn't weak, but that I am strong
This is for my friend who has helped me in being who I am and accepting it.
Rowan Aug 2021
It is silly to think my head is plagued by death
The many different forms that seemed to shroud me this year
A never-ending tragedy with no end in sight

The death of my relationship with my partner
The many nights I spent crying, breathless and tired
Sitting up in bed staring blankly, my mind wired
No one could have prepared me for your departure
One moment you were there, loving me and saying it
Only for the lies to come forth as you left me alone and empty

The death of my Uncle weighing on me
So close to coming home to stay with family
But not soon enough as we buried you with a small tree
It's weird to think of how you were here one moment
Now just a memory as I sit replaying the memories, losing sanity

The death of what family I had left
No one wanting the queer kid or ****** up child
Despite you being the reason I'm so ******* depressed
Yet you have no problem ignoring me and allowing me to be exiled
Forcing me to yet again grow up faster than I can as I begin my life

The death of my own hopes and dreams as everything crumbles around me
I lost everything and can only feel nothing
Some would argue that I have finally been set free
When in reality I am stuck suffering


With all of this death it's no wonder it is the only thing on my mind
How I sit now slowly and carefully counting my breathes
As I await my own death
Rowan Dec 2017
I am so tired and I can't think straight
Maybe it's because I'm gay
Who knows, and anyway that's not the point
My head is a jumble of thoughts
Mix matching and combining into something else entirely
Like a zombie, dead and just flat out strange and terrifying
My thoughts range from how I will die, to if life is really real
Or is it like the Matrix where everyone is just energy for the robots
By god I am tired
I can't stop shaking either
And I can't tell if it's from anxiety, not sleeping, or the soda I drank
Maybe it's all three, I honestly don't know
The lights seem so bright and noise seems louder than life
I wonder why the lights dance around to the noise
Circling my head doing twists, turns, and tumbles they make me dizzy
I am so freaking tired
My stomach won't stop yelling at me
Like thunder it roars
Growing louder and louder and louder until it finally dies
I am so **** tired
And I don't know where this poem was going
I honestly can't even remember writing this.
Rowan Jan 2020
The definition of love is "a feeling of deep intense affection"
This didn't make much sense to me though
In fact if you told this to a child they'd be confused
So I decided to write my own definition
One that best explains what love is to me
It is staying with someone despite their flaws or beliefs
Standing beside them no matter the ups or downs
It's when your eyes meet and your minds become one
Being vulnerable in your emotions and sharing them
Trusting them enough to be yourself, even the person no one else sees
That fuzzy warm feeling when seeing them or something they like
It is caring so ******* deeply that it hurts
It is waiting for them with an umbrella because you know they hate getting wet, and it is pouring outside
It is Oreo cookies in a sandwich baggie, in an even amount, to watch their eyes light up in happiness
It is holding one another after nightmares that will forever haunt you both
It is dancing in the dark basement, carefree and happy, messily tangled together
It is the question game at midnight because you're both insomniacs
It is slushies in my car, cuddled close, as the radio softly hums
It is watching movies, both of us together, not at all paying attention
It is the future we see in one another
Love is
Whatever you want it to be to you
What is love to you?
Rowan May 2018
What is it that you see
When you look at me?
Is it my hair
That's slightly long?
Is it my face
That is round and soft?
Is it my height
That is shorter than most?
Or is it my body
Which doesn't match up with my mind?
When you look at me
Is it a boy or girl that you see?

— The End —