can't sleep

i'm overcome by monsters, dark and vicious, ready for a feast

           i can see them coming after me if i close my eyes for too long

they're strong, sadistic, twisted clawing towards me

           among them are shadows with claws, open jaws

some are people though, eyes full of anger and hunger
      smiles large and disturbing
          
           i see my father, i see the boogeyman i hid from as a child

i see
                            
                                ­       Nothing

it always stops right before they reach me

               shaking, afraid, tired
  
                      Oh so very tired

i've wrapped myself so tightly in blankets to stop the shaking but it does nothing

               i've resorted to sleeping with a light, trying with all my might to ignore the shadows

they dance and turn, howl and cackle, gaze and smile, beckon me to join them

                      i am scared
                      
                                   ­                   i am lost

                                                           ­                           i am alone

why can't i find home, i know the address

         know what it looks like but my maps don't lead me there

No
               it leads me through a hell unknown

tell me when does it end?

           because i'm tired of this game and just want some comfort

before i can no longer breathe

i have flown in a plane and i hated it,
but when i look towards the birds i can't help but to want to join them

it took me a while for me to realize what it was that i wanted
then it hit me, as most thoughts do, out of the blue
i remembered the story of Icarius and what happened to him
once he gained his freedom he became drunk on it
his addiction made him blind to the dangers of his freedom
thus he died at the hands of what he craved in life
much like him i want freedom

i don't want to deal with my unsupportive mother who doesn't believe in what i feel
i don't want to be stuck living in fear of my father and all he could do
i don't want to have to keep pretending i am one person around my family and another around my friends
i don't want to live in the body i was given
because despite everyone calling it a gift
i can't help but to laugh because to me it is a curse in which it is **** near impossible to live in
and yet each day i go on hoping that when i'm old enough life will get better

that my mother will accept me, and my father will leave me be
that one day i will be who i truly am and my friends and family will know that me
that one day i will make my body my own
eventually the day will come when i get my freedom

Sleep is a beautiful thing, sadly I can't ever get enough of it
She seems so close, yet she is always just out of reach
She taunts me gloating of how heavenly she is, torturing me
Others can easily get to her while people like me struggle for even the smallest of touches
She only appears when she isn't needed
In my classes, during practice and when I need to go out
Then and only then does she grip me tightly not willing to let me go
She knows what she's doing and yet she won't stop
Yet still when I need her most she disappears
So sleep child and leave your fears behind you
Create a world of your own design
Live and thrive there
Let it become your own, because when you grow
Your monsters will follow you and sleep will abandon you

Sometimes I listen to sad music
And when I hear the melodies begin I feel the sensation flood over me
Washing away every other emotion or thought
My mind becomes blank, the only thing present are the song lyrics
Sometimes an emotion will break through the barrier the music makes
Sometimes the music pushes the intended emotion it was made from on me
I'll cry or scream or laugh or just exist
Music seems to do that to you
And I love it
So yeah, sometimes I listen to sad music

Dear Deadname,
Someday I will be able to look at old pictures of you without disgust
I will look at your long dark hair and remember how much you loved it
Loved running you hands through it as you untangled it from its curls
I will remember how it felt between my own fingers
Silky and smooth and how much I loved it myself
Your eyes that were so dark they looked black
And how at the mention of books, or cake they would light up like the Fourth of July
How your smile was so full, and real
With no underlying intent
Especially how your skin would become so dark in summer
Yet so pale in winter, and still look beautiful on you
Even your petite shape was something I fell in love with
How you fit so perfectly in anyone's arms
And maybe even one day I will be able to utter your name
I am not ready yet, though your name is a beautiful one
I want you to understand that some day I'll love you but until then
                                                            ­                             Sincerely, Rowan