There's so much that I have to do
They say **** it up and push on through

Every day is just meaningless
All these pills they just tire me

But I’ll break these chains

Ooh, I won't tolerate

All these nights
I can't fall asleep

Give me back my personality

So set me free
Ooh, set me free

No more running
No more running from me

I’ll keep fighting
I’ll keep fighting
I’ll keep fighting until I’m finally free

I lie in bed
Wide awake

What to do
I’m so confused

My heart is racing
Palms are sweating

I’ve lost control of this

Legs are shaking
Mind is spinning

Why aren’t I over this?

I try to breath
To lower my anxiety

But all I think is that I’m dying... dying

Am I really dying tonight?

I don’t want to be alone
But I end up that way

Part of me wants to go out
But anxiety holds me back

I try to push myself to socialize
But depression always holds me tight

So I just lie in bed  
Why can’t I even cry?

Ohh I’m lonely
This is so confusing
And it is consuming me

My mind is distorted
And it says:

“No one wants to be around me
Everyone always leaves
Will anyone every love me?”

This loneliness
might be the end of me

I just wanted to believe in us
But you gave me no reasons to

I thought things would change
That you would get better
That you’d treat me with kindness
And not be so bitter

Ohh I was fool to think you’d love me
Like you did when were 18

Now we’re in our twenties
And life hit us tough

You’d take it out on me
With the blow of punch
I conceal it with makeup
Around my family
But I know they know
Something is wrong

I don’t need saving but I’m lost

Ohh I want to believe that things will get better
I want to believe that our trust is forever

But it took one last beating for me to see that
You are monster
That cannot be reached

This earth doesn’t seem to be for me
I wanna be in the clouds
With those I lost and miss so much

I can’t erase my mistakes
I don’t know how to forgive myself

My head is in the clouds
Ohh let me go

I promise I’ll be okay Mami
This pain won’t seem to leave
So it’s time that I do
It’s my time to go

I’ll watch over you
Just like you did
For 19 years

Now I’m in the clouds
And I’m finally smiling

I know you’ll shed some tears
But I’m finally happy
Here in the clouds
Here in the clouds

The thing with anxiety is that it is like a door. Once that door is opened, it is not easy to close. Thoughts flow into my mind like a tsunami on the east coast. I have already been giving more effort than I have. I do not have anything left to give but the world wants more and I must show that I am functioning.

I am optimistic. I am sure of that. But the everyday activities are getting harder to complete and I am passed the point of crying. Tears get me no pleasure and get me nowhere.

These are not good feelings. Yes, they are numbing but they are not helping the thoughts.

Stop. Seriously, I am too tired to deal with you today. This entire weekend, I let you consume me. Maybe I did not “let” you, but I did not fight back as much as I probably should have.

I slept! I should not be this tired.

The levels continue rising and I do not know how to acknowledge them in a way that others will not notice and question. The last thing I want is for others to feel uncomfortable by the way that I am feeling externally. I cannot keep these thoughts and feelings inside because they are eating away at the very little good that is left in me.

It will not be easy, but it is doable.

Stop, please do not get angry. I do not know why you choose to express it in such a way. I refuse for you to have angry tears. I will let you… no, I changed my mind. Breathe.

My head is hurting so bad, but it is keeping me awake.

I forgot what sanity felt like. I am so busy with my spiraling thoughts. Leave me be. I am scary and I am scared of myself.

Why are humans so critical of themselves and those who they think down on?

These are good people. These people around you are good people. You appreciate their presence and existence. But you want to escape. You want to leave and be alone. No, you do not consider yourself a martyr of any sorts. You would rather try to figure out what is going on before you drag others in the mix.

I do not know why the feelings are still there. My head hurts from fighting them or trying to act opposite of the way I truly feel.

Everything around me appears gray. I do not believe it to be gray, but my feelings and my thoughts make it more difficult to move forward.

Why am I trying when I get nowhere? I feel worse each and every day. Maybe that sounds dramatic, but it is so ****** up that it is the truth.

I am sorry. I hope you know that.

I will let nature take its course, but I would not mind if it decided the end of my fate was today.

The days are long and nights are too, but the work remains undone and pain continues to rise.

I do not hate myself. I am very disappointed though. I thought I would be better by now.

Finally, I can look at myself in the mirror
Because I now love myself
In ways I didn’t think were possible

It wasn’t easy getting here
Years of therapy
And so many tears
But I’m starting to discover
I am worthy of love

And so are you
You make me smile
And you lessen the blues
Ohh what would I do
Without you?

Remember
That together
We are unstoppable

I didn’t know what to do
All it took were those three words
Right before our lips touched
And I was speechless
Ooh I was speechless

I closed my eyes and said it too
You smiled as we embraced
And we became one
I was the happiest girl alive

Next thing we know the sun went down
So we stared at the moon and howled
Then we laughed and had some kicks
Nothing with you is ever meaningless

As we lied in bed, I watched you sleep
Once again you took my breath
And I was speechless
Ooh you make me speechless

Often times people say go to the gym, “It’ll make you happy, and you’ll feel energized!”

These are some of the things I’ve experienced or thoughts I’ve manifested over my teenage years. Ahh yes great ol’ puberty! Onto adulthood, yikes!

Go to the gym and lose that extra weight that your family and so called “friends” have been passively judging you for.

Go to the gym, but don’t lift weights because you’ll get bulky, and no one will ever love you if you look like a female Hulk.

Go to the gym. Go to the gym. I hear this left and right. But I fear that I’ll embarrass myself and that everyone is watching me.

Anxiety and panic attacks hold me back. And what happens when that clinically depressed person is told time and time again to “just work out” and “get out of bed; it’ll make you feel great?” What if they just came down from a manic episode and crashed? What will people say then?

Well I know what I want to say:
This isn’t as simple as the morning blues or that feeling you have after listening to a sad song that reminds you of your past. (Not to disqualify those emotions whatsoever.)

Depression is the ruminating thoughts that no one loves you or ever will. It is feeling so empty that your appetite is nonexistent and your motivation to do what you once loved is gone.

Anxiety is holding your breath and forgetting to breathe, so you just sit there in pain until finally someone or something reminds you to release.

Release all that you’ve built up. Stop the isolation, and share what’s on your mind. It’s not easy. Trust me I know.

Two days ago I went to the gym, and yesterday I went to the gym. Can you guess what I did today? I went to the gym despite every fiber in my being telling me I couldn’t.

I had the support of my mom and sister. Find a gym buddy. Start small because all the machines and strong people can look intimidating. But they all started somewhere and now you can too.

Make a goal. Something that is not too small or too large. For me, I’m training for a 5K that’s in the beginning of May. It will be challenging yet doable.

Sometimes none of us knows what we’re doing, and that’s the beauty and challenges of life. Don’t quit after one try. Your journey is now starting its new chapter. Stay in the present moment, and keep going. I believe in you.