**** it throbs
My ***** gets moist.
Oh how I wish
To get eaten tonight

My desire is high my thoughts
Array
My hopes of pleasure
Makes me sway

******* are like fine wine
As you start to make me
Grind
My hips are bucking my back goes arched
I start to squirm
My *** now explodes
My juices now drip down your face

You look up at me and say
My goddess how I love your taste
May I have the honor of pleasuring you in every way
Why sure thing my dream guy

Oh how I crave your tongue
I know you want some
Come on do your thing
My how I love this game.

Thank you Eric for being my friend. YOu
Have taught me how it feels to be Have Real Love,
how it feels to have someone there for you
when you need them the most !you're taught me to love Jesus you taught me that people are all different and unique in their own ways and it's okay to love them just the way they are
with no judgement.
you've also taught me that being in love means you have to think about the other person before you think about yourself! for example you think about the things that you're lover wants and you get them those things. for you thinking  about what they want
Makes you happy
you tell me that people struggle but having people that trust you is very important because without having trust without having the ability to believe in someone fully you are nothing you're not worth anything and you are worthless as a person
you have to actually give your word and have it mean something in order for you to completely give yourself to the other person I trust you with my life you are my best friend you never give up on me
.
you never stay mad at me.
I know it's because you have Jesus! you are the reason I have more faith! The reason  I seek the Lord if it wasn't for you I probably would be dead!!! I have heard so many things about people saying that you are crazy maniac and that you would **** me in a heartbeat
You might hurt me
but you have never done that besides the words verbal abase.
But that's yours only defense
Against
Me because that's your only  way of hurting me and you know that it does that exactly you. But most the time I do deserve it Cuz im not the easiest person sometimes im stubborn and selfish and rude and ******.. And you put up with until you can't anymore then You (Man handle the situation and put me in my place ("slap in the face")  * IM IN A REALITY CHECK .
I say sorry

Eric the amazing
Your so extremely
amazing, caring, selfless, worthy

You are a Angel that is Heaven sent a gift from God
you are a perfect example of what God meant when he said he would find me someone that would teach me how to be a better person. if I wanted to be that better person grab hold and stop messing around
Sto running.
I want to be a better person
you make me a better person!
I honestly am glad to call you my friend, my best friend, my lover, the love of my life and my guardian angel you might not ever read this but least I got it out in the open no lies just me telling it like it is!

Every night you are cuddling with a shadow
that lies there somewhere in between your
memory and reality...
Every night you are cuddling with a shadow
and there is no one to hold you,to embrace
you,to put their feet between yours..
Every night you are cuddling with a shadow
there is no easing out of this pain,you
will get through it,but I know you will
be forever cuddling with a shadow

Zillions of tweaking bums
Sitting here and there some are rambling non stop
Others are rolling  the glass ****
Or WITH a rig in their,arm

Sometimes you see a few tweakers
Staring at the the pipe begging
With crocodile tears these we all know as fiends
Drama fills the little shack
Stolen electronics array and ***** needles in every trash can.. as well is outside  on  the ground
Sad and pitiful

**** is my vice

And makes me happy n nice

**** is a seed ..

God made it green

And it feels my needs

Thankfully THERE is ****

And it's legal in my state

Maybe it was fate..

Being blazed is great

Hungrily I ate..

**** is a great taste!

Danger danger my gears are grinding
My thoughts are cycling
I know what this means
To knowingly choose to engage
In this thought process is to
Accept defeat and to do that is
Unforgivable

I get on my knees,
Aiming to please,
Look in your eye,
And zip down your fly.

I throw you a smile,
Show you my style,
Your **** I take out,
And open my mouth.

I make like a fiend,
get on with my chore,
Look like a queen,
A ******* machine.

I feel like a glutton,
I over indulge,
Pull back my head,
I wait to get fed.

I close my eyes,
and get a surprise,
My mouth it fills up,
When will it stop!

Time for a treat,
Something to eat,
Your *** I ingest,
Get some on my breast.

Finished my work,
I give you a smirk,
You say Im the best,
Now your obsessed.

The Tongue does flips
The Truth Leaks out
As it begins to drip
The Ink sees all
Its The Memory
That shows it all
No longer a need
A reason to bleed
This feeling that has
A whispering call
Begging
To be place in a book
Or to be read
Here. Just have a look
To engrave
In the mind
To create
A page
Of emotions
To engite
A flame in a heart
To paint art on each others hearts
That is where it
Always starts

A blank stare
A void reality
A broken promise
A shattered existence

A innocent child
A false hope
A crushed dream
A broken home

A ruined family
A depressed life
A hollow future

A missing parent
A guilt-ridden mind
A consequence
A numb heart

Shiny bright sparkling thoughts come BURsting my head.

      A reason to be strange!!!

Loud ..

        Obnoxious..
          Little BRAT ..
OH of a MATTer of FACT.......!!


That's my bipolar personality
You either fall madly in love with me or maybe hate me cuz I'm crazy!!!

I love him I miss the one that was so into me the one that is happy to hold my hand happy to spend time with me
I feel alone again
I feel sad and hurt and lost
I don't know how to make him want me like he use to
To make him excited to be in love with me
Now I'm just
A side burner
I. Just a reason to avoid me. I bring up the thoughts in my brain and you get mad and say I want all I want to do is fight
I am trying to te 'll you how I feel
But a you see is me trying to cause a fight
I'm broken
I'm scared I'm losing you
And that is the last thing I want
I we t us to go back the the happy couple we were
And its breaking my heart its ripping my heart open
Its making me hurt so deep
Its starting to be like I'm just someone you hate being around
Someone that you want to get away from someone you want to not be with and that is crushing me and I'm devastated and I don't know what to do or what to say ..
I could just die today and it wouldn't phase you a bit
That there is the fear in my mind all the time
The thing I think about
And don't dare to talk about
Cuz you will just tell me to shut up or accuse me of talking to someone that is the way you get me to be so upset
You have no idea how much I secretly cry. How much i hurt inside
How much i pray to God that I'm not about to lose this important relationship this special part of my heart that isn't ever gonna be the same this memory that instead of being a happy one it will break my heart every single time I thing of it

Im Grateful

So ****** off
I know you
Don't even care
Im so messes up
Filled with despair
I seem to look for sadness
Its everywhere around
in my heart,mind and Veins
Madness a ever sinking ship
Empty heart
Broken soul
****** off in so many ways
unsure about what to do uncomfortable
Unhealthy
Unhappy
In this Darkness
That torn me down
waves of defeat increase
A Weird phase
As a Creepy grin crosses your evil face
It Cuts me deep
Im not the same anymore
My Tormented life
Scarred n bruised Im disgust my
By my  brain.

Your curls
Your laugh
That smile so sweet
Your heart is huge
And those tiny ties
The way you love
The way you hug
The way you smell
too Presious
Such innocence

I'm so very  sorry ..
I can't be in your life
I made mistakes
I broke your little heart
I need your hugs
I can't seem to breathe
Tears flow down my cheeks
Remembering you
I'm sad it's true
Your six years old
Heart pure  as gold
The love that don't grow old
I miss you everyday in everyway..
March 17th 2015
They took u away for good
Now I'm sad n blue
I hope u know that I still  love you eternally unconditionall
Forever
My sweet angel

Doing this alone
Making my world turn upside down .. I got pregnant
Now its been 9 months
Im here at the end
Battle over

Thoughts and decisions
Racing throughout my head
Its bottled up, afraid of releasing these emotions
In fear that i will give in
Washing away my life

A flood of tears making their way down my
Cheeks
Wet puddles pooling on the floor in front of me

Stuck in a rut
Wondering if i will
Ever break free of this curse
Fetal position in a ball
Bawling in a corner
Reluctant to fight


Huge choice
Cant take it back
Wisest thing
I will ever do
Unconditional love
Comes from the strength to
Give them the lives
They deserve
Without being selfish
A path engraved in dirt!

By Anna marie rose
January 1 2017

You have got my heart stuck in a moment of bliss,
If my voice doesn't speak
My thoughts they will leak on to bleached paper.
Behind the covers of this spiral notebook lays my hidden secrets and treasures ..
Chained to their pages
These tears are my imprints in my life
Theses very heartstrings are the fibers that keep my soul interacted!

Broken, cracked
But slightly intacted
Memories of battles
Still conquers my soul
Forward on new journeys maybe fate
Intuition as seen
Instability become stable indeed I must
Action Now accepted
My step that i now  taken
I am owner of mine thoughts I can feel my face if I believe myself without saying it's too late

Written  by Anna Howard

When you love too much ..
Your prone to get hurt easily ..

It's devastating to be left without your warm
Presence..
I'm at a loss for words

My life is a rollercoaster ride

With a tidal waves reaching the sky.

I never fear the monsters under my bed the ones Under the Stairs or the ones in the closet . The fear I'm willing to deal with is the monsters in my head you see they eat at me causing me grief.

Yes it's undenying the truth is underlining the monster is actually me I have had this piece and it's crazy have it deep down in my gut to only come free the day is turn the night that is when my monster Feeds greedily and selfish.

It does not give me seconds rest blow leaves totally my monster consumes my soul my memories my skills my love my personality will be stopping when you're reaching the point of no return.

My depression kicks in there as well until night falls again seems that my darkness that covers my soul was always trying to swallow up what is left of my memories I having trouble putting the puzzles together form a picture that is complete my special memories the very precious ones to me the ones that don't seem to matter much to anybody else but they are my life he seemed to dissolve with every dose of amphetamines that I inject into myself brings me one step closer to forgetting everything

Why do people only use me?

In counseling I wrote a poem
It was a letter to my mom .. Whose if you don't know
Died 4/14/01
  

My mom

Mothers are suppose to be their when their babies need them.

Where were you when I. Needed you ..
Have you forgotten you had children?
Where am I suppose to go.. Who am I suppose to turn to when Im feeling weak when I need my mommy..
I remember your smell
The comfort my head laying on your chest and your fingers in my hair.
Emily and I in the backseat. . you driving. All of us singing loud and full of joy to some country song.
I was 14 when you  died
I need you so bad sometimes

I cry alot .. I lashed out .. I hated you for leaving me .
How is it that I end up being the only kid with no family. .
Treatment for the kid who can't handle her mom dying ..
People wonder why I acted out saying you need to stop these anger outbursts ..
****. I doubt anyone stop and thought maybe its normal that Im having a hard time grieving.. Nope
A therapist and 8 kinds of pills for the list of things I must have

Mom you don't know the war in my head the nightmares I felt ..
The darkness that creeper in
The problem child that fat girl that had anger problems gets out of treatment goes to live with grandparents

The kids at school picked on me .. I had no friends
I run home and grabbed a knife and cut my wrist I screamed. Why did you leave me .. Mom where are u

How any I suppose to live without you..

That was 15 yrs ago

Now Im 30
And Im a **** up just like u were ..
At 25 I got to be 500lbs
With a 2 yr old n a 6 month old ..
I chose ****
5 years later

Im sitting here thinking
You chose ****** and was a needle ******. And died at 42..
I love u I forgive u

I messed up .. I had 4 kids . I lost them i became a needle **** ****** that hates herself. .

Im clean now 17 days
Trying to figure out of to go about talking again to your mom...
My grandma.
Haven't talked to her in 2years..
I don't want her to die with out seeing her.

Well mommy. I love you. And say hi to my poppy and Uncle don !

Love Annare

There goes my heart strings, there goes the intense pain,
there goes all the things in my life, now just ripped away. There goes our hearts that wanted love, there goes our fights and arguing..
there goes all those restless nights and crying up all nights,
Don't turn your head, and then wish me dead, 
as the promises that break
Were what you once said... So I guess this is the end.
Our biggest mistake

I am so lonely, so tired of sleeping alone
I want to be wanted, not used and disposed
Sick of feeling like guys only want me to fulfill their needs
Lies and decent
What is the point of trying to find LOVe
When all I seem to find is the ones that
Just need a piece of *** or are wearing a mask
Soon it will all be revealed
Pushed out of their minds didn't even phase them
A waste of time...

Syrup drips slowly off a spoon triggers a memory at the back
Of my mind fills up like boom
I cough and think my god
Its real..
I stand up straight
And realize its fate
My magic filled rig
Turned into a snake
Tries with all its might to bite
But who you really think is gonna win this fight
I been wishing you were feeling better than this
Now you've done
Why like this
Because its such a easy fix
**** you really did it now
Opened up a wound
And won't back down
Rotting your mind
You'll end up in the ground
But what joy I truly feel
X marks the spot
At least I will have my last magic filled night
Before the devil comes
And takes my life

To the homeless man walking on Street
I pray for you
I hope you have something to eat
A place that is warm for you to lay your head
An  maybe even new socks so your feet arent cold when you go to bed
I hope that you are filled with God's grace I hope that you have a smile on your face I know it can be hard when life gets you down but know that everybody sometimes has a frown
I know sometimes you think that I don't understand this place that you're in but you are wrong I've been there to and it is hard sometimes u need give it time it'll be alright things get better

guilty tears fall as I stare
onto canvas of the past
heart wretching memories
flood my mind.. not sure how to cope with my New found real raw emotion
allowing it to sink into my soul ..not avoiding it or covering it up with poisons
proving to myself... Im actually human.. no reason to run!

I have been lost in this like place, like I get lose in outer space.. As I walk down this Path .. I hang my head in disgrace.
All broken and crumbled and scratched. I see the fire At the end of the path...it burns brighter and has a evil laugh...
I look Up in wonder ... And see your dark soul bust In to embers amd dance to the floor::
Your the exact reason I now crave for more,

I have this hungry branded in my mind i got to have to ., and i will stand up amd fight .., you keep.me. amused .. Your smile. Makes my smile widen
By Anna Marie Rose Howard March 2016

There's a demon in my veins begging to break free
Nothing holding my selfish needs but this biting greed
I'm so doubtful and so weak my mental thoughts can not cope
My willpower has NOthing to  grasp but the lies I often gush to make myself look brave to boast to the world Im greatly cleansed and can do as my friends do
Begin healing and start a new path..
But the curse that gets me every night haunts my life, takes me to the bottom ..
Take grabs my guts and rips and shreds, leaving chaos n decay. Dismantled graves..
Infected sores and mental thorns dragging mystery and mayhem to the onlookers
Showing the truth
Is not a pretty sight nor is my fears and faith in my own morbid core..
Failure and gloom happiness wont boom
Unless I get the guidanceand rehabilitation now
Before I ruin my newest soul my life I carry unseen
To the naked eye
God help me do this right
I crack but can't gain
Disgust

Starting to have feelings
For you
Swear its running throughout my head
Wishing I could cuddle with you in bed ..
Wishing you would grab my hand...
Needing for you to understand.
Longing to have you love me back
To see you need me back
Dreams of making love
Seem to overflow my brain
Cant tell you that because im
So afraid of rejection you see
If i dont tell you
It cant be proved wrong
Tears that have fallen
Dont really have a place
I belong
A game of tug a war
It seems
Jumping up to see what you need
Trusting enough to
Show you my seams
Even if it goes to extremes
Rambling on like a fool
Maybe I am crazy about you
Secrets my friend
We can find comfort again
Easing my mind so I dont
Cry.. Why is it that
Im falling down
To get the fire i need to
Have the desire to feed
Possibility of a future with
You
I hope its true
And im not just walking into
A gap of rejection like
A rat in a trap
*** i think my poem is crap

No one can say this world's the palace  of wonderful  things,
When born into a broken home,
Where the love given isn't shown
A concrete hell
A saddened reality
Where we see a corrupt sight

My mother with a depressed life
Seeked herion to feel numb.
A brother rebel of his own making
Tool, pantera and slayer his music engraved his soul
Marilyn Manson echoed his ROOM Nothing but anger. ..
Loomed...
A sister thoughts outlined in chalk
Her addiction to liquor flowed forth HIDDEN
Away .. to cover the years that were in a disarray
She always wanted a perfect size two body
To show off... anorexic and bulimic disorders covered her pain..
Innocent and still so very young
I was locked away in My fantasy world
Barbies and Polly pocket... and my teddy bear Bentley. .
I climb the tree in my front yard to protect myself somehow.

Teasing me my sibling would say..
Hahaha your the adopted one
The truthfulness wasn't there
Why did no one care
Issues of a broken home
Memories come flooding back

If only there were people
That would counts stars like I dream of sparkling shards! I could dance in puddles of you

My sweet lover
Stop this agony!

Without U my world is blue
My heart is restricted
My eyes are damp
My joy is gone
I'm a broken disgrace.

You were the light in life
The smile on my face the
Beat of my heart
Now all I hAve is this
Pain.

Pain to get up and live another day
Sad and depressed in every single way.
Nothing  is ever going to be the same
I gave up on life in a way.

My purpose in life is gone
My energy to try isn't there
I don't seem to even remotely care
I haven't even brushed my hair.

I miss you smell
I miss watching you sleep
I miss your laugh
And your cute tiny feet.

Why did I lose control
Why do people offer to help
When the truth is their robbing  the innocence of our souls
Signing away their life

I wish I could rewind time
Go back and be more wise
To open my *******  eyes
Only that can't happen
I'm empty inside

I would rather be dead than alive
Being  a mommy  was the only thing  I ever wanted
Now I'm a worthless  piece of garbage
Take me out when u take out the trash
I might as well be thrown out on my ***.

I want to
curl up into a ball
I want to give up on life
And cry.. even  bawl
Throw everything I own at a wall
Disappear and all.

Injecting magic into my veins
It's a  little bit like playing with fire
The monsters come out
They seek and find ways to
Poison your thoughts
And make you distraught
Awake but not in reality

Lost in this haze,
Going with the flow
But stuck in a maze
One way out
But stuck in this phase
Chaos growls loud but
No strive in my ways

My fire within started in my teens,
The rage of some kids
Bullying me..
It started a flame.
That ignited a blaze
No I could not win..
So I began to fight
I was afraid..
Which filled me with hate.
Not sure whether or not
I would really be okay
It started a battle not with
the kids but the fuel in me
I could not resist..
I started to cut then it became a must for everything that went abust
I consumed this lust for my own blood
Which I felt like a battle around..me that stopped the inner pain
What is this I really gained?
That started to mock me
So I began to lock myself into my room
With a knife and a blaze
I lashed at the wounds
My abuse to myself
Was a relief to my mind
But to the outsider nothing but a crime..

Once people saw my shirt covered by blood
They ask me about it
Not knowing I'd run
To the top of the town
Where that water well was
To sit in my secret place and sink into my thoughts and feelings
There was the reason for me to believe

My cutting wasn't attention to gain but a access to myself to exit my pain ...
So bullying prevention is a must have thing

To keep other kids from going insane....

By Anna Marie Rose Howard
2/6/2016

No need to bleed
No reason to go

Scary things that reek havoc
In my life seem to form in a instance
Not giving me a  chance to seek a place to hide

My heart is breaking
My hands are shaking
Mentally naked

Everything begins to cave in
Melting my ways to seem whole
Deluding my positive mind
Narrowing  my  choices
Reasons to write a knowledge
I know that  saved  my soul
To have in me the power to grow
Stronger a pen and paper
Make me feel really great
Now I don't have to worry about
Leaving my life without being remembered as the caterpillar
That turned her sadness into muticolored life .. now a butterfly
To fly away from the scary things

My favorite friend whose now my lover
Says kind things to  me all the time.
Its so uplifting and heartwarming
That he most the time it makes me blush.
Thats because when he says it is heartfelt!

I have a sickness I
Cannot lie

It craves to feed
The fatal
Eyes

A greedy lust
A need for The sickening
Strangers touch
The need 
So strong

It haunts my mind
A
Ever flowing
Urge

To be naughty
All the time
To moan and shake
To feel the pain


Deep down Inside
Begs to make
A extremely wet
Mess
A soaking bed
Almost a lake

The illness I have
Is overwhelming
Indeed

I have a problem
An issue of sorts
No Im not joking
Or Exaggerating at all

I crave a sin so pure
I fight a demonic
Beast a
Biting, gnawing, growling
Full force
****** feast
The is my
Mental disease

16 weeks pregnant
No father just a ***** donor
             .....***
one second LATER
☆BaM☆




**** THIS ****
ITS NOT Fair

Broken world
Government starts being overbearing
As the earth turns


Scary things
Monster
In the REAL WORLD
SECRETS AND LIES
NOTHING IS SECURE
NO DEFENSE

TO BRING A SOUL INTO THIS WORLD

Scares the **** OUT  of me

Abstract shapes displayed on walls
It seems it will consume each person
Lock our voices in a box
You won't find what we look for
Outside in the open
Rather inside someone's heart

My struggle with addiction has not only caused damage and destruction in my personal life but in my childrens lives if not more so then mine.

My own fear of not being good enough or not being worthy of my children was my reasoning in the process of self sabotaging and giving up
I lost myself in the methamphetamines

That was the reality of my situation failure to provide the necessities and to protect the well being's of my children
  I ignored my childrens pain
I failed to notice their silent pleads for  Attention
That is where I now come to understand
The reason
Counseling is truely necessary
I want to overcome this weakness
This fear ..
THE ONLY REASON I
Still have faith I can overcome and succeed is
Because
Jesus gave me the strength to
Overcome my fears.

I WILL SOMEDAY HAVE  RELATIONSHIPS with my children

Maybe not in the near future but someday and that is good enough for me to continue to put forth effort in improving my situation every day