beauty is a selfless being,
she seldomly sees herself such, wondering what the world must think, she traps herself in her books reading and writing keeps her hooked.

The Beast does paces back and forth in his castle.
He has locked himself in a creature in a cage or if the world seen him they would laugh in his face or be frightened and run away.
He keeps himself hidden.
He wasn't always an ugly Beast.

There was a witch she cursed him
A magical Rose this truth the fact that you must find true love
Before the last petal or he will be be trapped as an ugly beast for all eternity..

He thinks to himself how could it be how will she fall in love with me I'm just an ugly beast she'll be fearful of me and run the other way
Beauty ..

Here is the truth for all to see,
I cant be the mommy my kids need.
Broken down by a battle that haunts me night and day.
Having the courage to give them a better life..  Is the true definition of unconditional love..
Knowing that I cant be the mommy they need is a scary thing .

But letting them have a chance of a
Normal life is
The only thing

I know to do..
Being saddened and depressed is
A reality that may come with this choice.

I just hope that one day my kids will understand and respect this decision
And forgive me for not there..

Know that I love them and will never stop.
Mersadie lynm black your my eldest and i love you so to the moon and back.
Maxwell orion howard my middle one
Mommy loves you so much she is hoping you u will understand
I have weaknesses but I always think of you
and Molly ann cowan my little angel i love you so
..
Your smile will brighten the world
And lastly
Stormee rose
You Are to be born in 39 days
I love you also I hope you know
Giving you to Arial so she can bea mommy is the best gift you get..
Your our littlest miracle
Cant wait to meet you and kiss you so light..
As I hand you to your new mommy
Its a honor to be the reason you all get to be alive .. Each of you are special
And mommy will be here when the day comes to explain and hope You understand the reasons
I couldn't be the mommy you all need..
Unconditional love is what I give to you the chance to become all you can be and grow up to
Be amazing adults!
By Annamarie rose newell
December 9th 2016

Hanging my head in regret
I smear my eyeliner
And quiver as I try to fight the tears that my emotions create.

My heart feels empty
My mind is overflowing
Thoughts of my past
Spill forth
Puddles of tears
Forcing the world to see
What I have buried in my soul for so so long....
Witness my fears
My bare truth

I wasn't strong, my knees were weakened by the addiction that feeds  my forsaken life..

To be a amazing person with the ability to overcome it and show the world I'm different then the rest...
To bad so sad I failed the test.

My addiction never fooled ANYONE
I had no idea how strong of a grasp it had on my soul, it took the innocence
And left a big hole.

To think I would  be just fine
That it wouldn't
been blawing my eyes out
Because I lost months of my life..

Disappeared in the blink of an eye..
Wrong of me to think that I would be an exception.

Now this battlefield in my life
A wrecking ball with cracking frames, writhing dreams,
Shattered hopes,
Devastated CRYS
And don't forget guilt ridden
Thoughts separated family
Children with unanswered questions
And fears that **** the soul
For I can't let them know
I chose to not try
And now..
2YEARS LATER I WANT TO SHOW THEM MOMMYS GONNA NOT FAIL
BUT TOO LATE ..
I BAILED
And failed my sweet babies sooo extremely much
---
A few thoughts of suicide entered my brain but that won't solve a thing

So I have 13 years I have to miss of the memories I can't have  but with time .

I can ensure my life will be on the right track
When their 18 with a head on their shoulders. . My chance to be the mother I was supposed  to be
Will be at my feet!

For now its only hopes in my dreams

Starting to have feelings
For you
Swear its running throughout my head
Wishing I could cuddle with you in bed ..
Wishing you would grab my hand...
Needing for you to understand.
Longing to have you love me back
To see you need me back
Dreams of making love
Seem to overflow my brain
Cant tell you that because im
So afraid of rejection you see
If i dont tell you
It cant be proved wrong
Tears that have fallen
Dont really have a place
I belong
A game of tug a war
It seems
Jumping up to see what you need
Trusting enough to
Show you my seams
Even if it goes to extremes
Rambling on like a fool
Maybe I am crazy about you
Secrets my friend
We can find comfort again
Easing my mind so I dont
Cry.. Why is it that
Im falling down
To get the fire i need to
Have the desire to feed
Possibility of a future with
You
I hope its true
And im not just walking into
A gap of rejection like
A rat in a trap
*** i think my poem is crap

I'm sitting here thinking about my life as my homies take it turned shooting dope.

This addiction is bad
This injection will change your life is everything and nothing as well as unexplainable it's like being stabbed with a knife a million time.

A very my whole body inside and out I want to end it so bad it makes my mind feels so much doubt losing my mind losing control this specific drug
is the worst of its kind

This disarray in my head
is a unhinged reality.

Everything's unstable  
The plans become void
As always enabling each other, a destructive cyclone of dysfunctional
Life.

In this war
   With my inner demons
I fight just to have Space in my own
Head for a few seconds
is difficult to find
Myself..
This fear
This torture
I hide my face

Ashamed at my
Disgrace
I fear
Im drowning
But it seems
No one
Cares to save me
Im lost


This deep addiction
My self infliction
My own worse enemy

Treading thru troubled water
With dangerous tides
My heart feels like quicksand
And I can't swim
Looks like the demon strikes again.

I have lost myself ,
Not sure whats real. I dont have words to speak how feel . . Im feeling so alone even when your  in the ROOM
Nothing, Seems real
Thoughts of destruction & chaos flash in my life
Unroll &
unravell,
Tainted, Stained, Strained, dismembered, delusional
derailed.

Shame on me
For having emotions
To express sadness
To have tears
Shame on me
For having fears
To escape the darkest hour
To hide my love from the hurt
Thoughts from my brain
Will splatter !

So sick and tired

Of all these dudes thinking I'm just meant to be used...and persuaded
I'm a lady and I have a soul
Stop this nonsense I'm no fool
Senseless freaks
Thinking I am that easy-to-use and abuse. . **** that ****
I'm a beautiful woman with a choice to choose
Stop at *******... I'm not there to get your jollies off
I'm not your robot queen
You so often want me to be..
I'm better then those stereotypes
Better then that
I'm freshly changed
A new and improved
Personality so cool
A respect for myself
That you can't understand
I'm not that needle ******
I use to show off as
I'm the caterpillar  now morphed into
A butterfly
My bright and colorful patterns
For all the world to see..
This is the chance for myself to create  a brand-new me..
So ******* all of you weirdos and creeps I'm not so ***** on the street

Sitting against a wall
Beginning to rise and fall
Fill to the very tip must not be wasteful do not let it drip

Quickly quickly must find vein insert inject relieve the pain life feel the sadness wells up . my tears are most the time trap for years tucked down deep inside for the monsters outside  can't get in my head. the Visions multiply stealing my memories instead so yes it's the truth I do agree and do a shot after another shot so I can be free to drowned out this hate have for myself **** every inch of my life away so I can live and breathe without the pain but am I broken or am I insane

Why was I Cursed
With these emotions
Having to feel every emotion
So deeply
Making me weak
In so many ways
Loving anyone ends up
In pain, heartache
That rocks me to the core
Makes me sore
Wears me down
Cuts me deep
I actually wish
It wasnt true
Because now
Im stressed
Pushed me
To the point
Were I wish I could care less
Find some drugs
Help dull it
They work the best
God how I hate it
Because now Im a nervous wreck.

Overwhelmed by this feeling
Seems no matter how hard I try
My efforts fall on deaf ears
My desires aren't as important
As I thought
My wants are not valued
By you
My thoughts go straight to what
Have I Done Wrong
Why am I not good enough
Why do I still get the short hand of the stick

I try so hard but its not even close to being enough
I guess its time I just give up
Broken hearted is so lame
I'm hurting so bad
This is insane

It seems like my mind is finally back in control
Like I figured out I don't need that filthy drugs in my life anymore
The reasons I've had to throw my life
Away have become pitiful and selfish
I have been seeking my high power
And He has shown me
That I have the power in my mind and with his guidance
I the strength to say no more
I want to better myself everyday
And maybe soon I will have the courage to make contact with the
Right people and back to work on being a good mother and actually
Putting forth effort to get my youngest back in my life and maybe
Someday with the right support system Get to visit and see my other two baby girls as well as my son.

This thoughts in my mind
Repeat over and over
Picturing it like a movie on rewind
I reminisce the past as I close my eyes.

Memories come flooding back
Breaking this this cage of glass
I simply don't think anything through.

Now I'm here, what can I do
My heart is now broken and ripped in two.

The secrets I locked inside my mind
Is best kept tucked away hidden from the light of day.

If my secrets was revealed
I wouldn't have my best friend
Eric Pratt to enjoy  in his company anymore.

The truth about myself is smashed into millions of pieces stored in a box  labeled top secret,
So my tears and fears won't come true and ruin all the things that reeked havoc in my addicted lifestyle


No one can know ...
I now swallow my key
So I can't lose my friendship
And ruin my life from the mistaken
CRYS and immoral lies

It's so ******* hot
Need to jump into some water
Looking for a treasure chest
Silly me it's a A/c unit and a mason jar of ice water
That right there is the
Solution
Fire and ice
A blissful NIGHT
Stay up until  dark
I'm in the park
By the river..
The moon and the star's will be a sight to see
Summer time breeze
And life in a haze
Im 'really looking  to blaze!!!

I miss the way you loved me,
Will I ever know that love again?
I wasted my energy on drugs and gambling problems, when you waited for me.. I was to busy fulfilling my selfish to do list..
Now realizing  what I had .

Oh my god I wish I could erase the past..
Redo the damage done
Think through the things I didn't know. .  I thought  that it would never be a different kind of truth

Facing reality I realized I'm burnt.
No more unconditional love from my sweetheart Eric.

His tears were over he wasn't going to take this anymore. He decided I'm not the one .. he didn't want to hurt any more. .

I broke his heart and seemed not to care and when my heart decided to try and can't seem to fight the tears I now cry..

my pen writes a few lines
But the words don't come out,
Giving meaning to my thoughts.
My mind gets warped and my thoughts,
Just can't keep up with the ideas that I get.
I think of everything and nothing at all,
As if my head is in a free fall.
No matter how hard I try to concentrate,
The mist in my mind, I can't penetrate.
I close my eyes and try to meditate,
But the emptiness, just doesn't abate.
I give up, maybe some other day,
The mist will clear and show me the way.
I glance through the lines on the page,
And sense they do convey a message.
In the end I am all smiles,
Like ending a journey of endless miles.
Thoughtless words, meaningful lines
Wisdom writes my life

Seems everyone has someone
Seems like they can keep that someone in their life.
Why is it .. I'm alone..
No one wants this body as their own
Why do I cry so much
Missing out on loves true touch.
What is the reason guys want me
But don't want to have me as theirs

My magical place is lost in time
Past mistakes create a rip in the fabric of LIFE.
My tears trickle down my cheeks
My mental state begins to rattle and shake..
A earthquake it seems
Beats my soul down in defeat

Seems I'm just a puzzle piece in this
Scene.
Nothing I can fake
Nothing I can take
My life is junk yard
Where the unwanted things get thrown. .
Seems my life is not really a source
For someone heart to breathe
Just a messed up battlefield
Where unneeded unwanted unnecessary things end up..

(Why is it that I am not good enough
Am I really that bad)

(I took them away from the life they wanted  n needed)

I ruined my babies lives
I ****** up so bad
I don't know where to go
I lost my mind
Now I know
I can't take it back
My world is so black
I wish that I wasn't  so ******* stupid
Like thaf.
I guess that's why I'm so alone
Because I deserve it
I walked down this road
(Mersadie, mawell, molly..
I'm so sorry..
I failed U

Easily sedated thoughts trapped in a collapsing world of overdosed reality.
It all begins when I inject myself with the drug with my needle too intense to notice I'm just heading into a vacant empty Hollow world.
The pleasure exploded into my bloodstream the magic feeling of translations for goals of energy are floating through the air come alive or maybe I think I am mostly a choice only God decided the numerous days return 2 weeks not sure what I'm doing some weeks my habit gets sporadic spontaneously I lose myself in this hell
Demonic love for this drug
I'm weakling I misplaced my reality hoping for a better tomorrow I gave myself away lost my hopes and dreams disappeared into this drug now I will be haunted forever by the memory of what I could have choice but didn't .

A warrior stuck in a maze,
A sick or troubled obstacle lays in her wake.
A metal fence replaces the walls that before held all those pains.
A  coarse  burden  her flesh does withstand.
A burial seem close at hand,
So do as the mocking bird
And play along
And fake reality
Will embrace your
perception
Like a false hope
A calm before a big storm

To kiss his lips
To run my fingers
From his neck &
Chest

Oh how I daydream

She cries crimson tears
The sadness tortures her
    every thought
Its like a knife stabbing
  Her over and over
   A mother without
   The babies she bore
Is a devastating destruction
That kills her very slow!

My love for you my dearest friend
Has been the only
Truth i know


Your smile
The  
Highlight of my day

my best friend
Always making sure
Im okay!

That's one look from his eyes
you're hypnotized
More than your lips could muster wish that your lips was totally press against buying in silence our tongues intertwine electric shock waves tingle and dance through my lips into yours hearts race bodies crave more starving for affection Blissful and pure ripping your clothes off as we explore

Stepping on toes
Walking around blocks
Twisting and turning
Untying the box
Uncovering the truth

At all costs
Stop hiding the answers

Buried deep down in your memory


Are layers of pain

Filled in a suitcase and lockedaway


Wander the path that leads to the place
Where people go
To wipe the slate clean and start
Anew


The best beginnings start
When you close that door
And have faith again

Be brave
Live on the edge
Breathe deep
Scream loud
Be you!

Your gentle eyes
            Soft smile
      Caressing hands
         The daydream
       My instant bliss
My own Personal drug!

Feeling so lost
Unable to get by
Trapped in all the reasons why

Im feel like  the pain is so deep
Its just grows and grows
Been through so much
Pain I  maybe going insane
just when I thought there was hope
I GET THROWN OUT
not even a joke
What is this life
When all I try for get torn apart .
Made a mockery of this chaos
A dangerous place
You wont see
nothing left but empty seas
a good thing that is now bend
A lovers grief is strained
Not more passion to gain
a broke promise to  hold on
Why do I feel so wrong
A door now Shut in my face a downhill path with a fresh dig grave
A metal cage for ones who need
To be gone
Now Its fond memories of us never last so long
and all that was there was a very truthful stare.
All the I loves yous and words of phrase
Alk thw Im sorrys
And now we must part ways

Not really sorry .
Not really truth
Just a lie or two because
hamging out with me was fun
Amd now its not fun
and you really dont even care you just shame me and derail
I will take this knife in hand and cut out my heart
Will you please hold it for me
Cuz I can look at it no more
Its so much trouble
I DONT WANT IT ANYMORE

A spiral of smoke
       Satin rose petals
         Delicate tears
            leaks
From your Deepest thoughts

My heart it searches
My breath is signs
My mind it wonders
My life is needs
The love of another
Is my desire
To fill me with warm and
Make me dive right in
To the matters of the hearts
The big loving parts
The wide smiles
The tight hugs
The wet kisses
Mmm the feeling of love jjust a matter of time and
My life will start
Jump start this
Thing
Make it my way
To know
He loves me
Just the right ways
And always n forever
Stay
That is a beautiful thing
To be wanted
Oh yay

The silence weighs heavy on both of them
He still loves her and she loves him
They once thought they could tame the wind
Now it's a struggle to just be friends
They still go to sleep together every night
But they're no longer holding on tight
Their passion was of a strong desire
Now just watching the embers of a once roaring fire
She lays awake and silently cries herself to sleep
And he lays awake with a pain that is deep
They both hold on despite the way they feel
Trying to make believe that it isn't real
They do nothing but watch love fade
No longer the queen of hearts no longer the ace of spades
They sit in silence with their hearts twisting in the wind
Trying to find away to put the pieces back again
Both wonder if they've reached loves end
No longer lovers and no longer friends
They wonder if that's the way love goes
And now with that distance they seem more like foes

Broken homes
And shattered lives
Sorrow roams thick
In many of our own lives
Some people hearts
Mend
Others stay hollow
Emptiness
Resides

Ya right
You did it again
Messed it all up
I don't know where to begin

Dougie, you are the man of my dreams
You are my only true king
I will give you my all
N show you only the truthfulness I'm living
I promise you Baby, as you Look in my eyes and until the end of time. You will always be mine