let me tell you how it all happened

they'll tend to tell you bullies caused it
or that everyone has the same experience
and it starts because
other people
forced it to

but what i have to tell you
is that i did it to
myself
i'm a turncoat
to my own flesh

i would look in the mirror and see
a gut
and suddenly
that was all i could see

no matter if my calves were toned
or my arms were sticks
i saw that gut
or my
curdled thighs
and that was all

so i'd say i wasn't hungry
or i'd "sleep" through a meal
and i'd work extra hard at practice
pretend i wasn't always run down

and even if i'd pass out
or struggle to stay awake
i'd pretend like it was sleep
i was depriving myself of sleep

and you know that cycle
in every anorexic girl's story
where her body bloats before it thins
because it's trying to protect her

i went harder in that stage
so i could lose the weight that made me a 2
instead of 00
and i would cry myself to sleep
because i was in pain
mental
and physical

but i couldn't stop the
taunts
i gave
myself

my dad would tell my friends
to make sure i would
eat
but i never listened

and now i look back
and see my former shell-f
a self that had no self
a self that was only

a shell

a turncoat

anorexic

Warm in your arms,
And walking on air.

The clouds formed a path and led me home.

When I got there,
The clouds twisted,
And I was no longer floating,
But falling.

Shouting of the heavy wind,
Red raindrops,
Thundering bass.

Not even music can save me from this storm.

My head spins,
As I lie down.

I stare at the ceiling,
Feeling light,
Weightless.

And sick.

Gathering strength,
I lift myself from my bed,
And carry myself to the bathroom.

In the mirror,
I see a whale.

Despite so long of holding back desire and cravings,
What i see is still the same,
And it will never change.

There was no plan.

It just happened.

All at once,
Paroxysms of emotion,
Violent,
Uncontrollable emotion.

You never crossed my mind,
Nobody did,
Until it was too late.

Lying in the cool bath water,
Self-medicating,
I told myself that it wouldn’t be long.

The voices on the other side of the door,
Assured me that everything would be the same,
Whether I lived or died.

Then,
Against my will,
My stomach flipped,
And the emotions that I swallowed,
Ended up on the floor.

I gave up,
Cleaned up,
And passed out.

Your teeth sink into my flesh,
A knot tying in my stomach.
Clothing is lost,
And despite being in my most vulnerable position,
I trust you completely.

The knot ties tighter,
And tighter.
Burning, stinging, throbbing sensations envelop me,
And soon,
The knot of writhing, wriggles snakes unties,
And pure bliss consumes me.

I am sinking.
I am sinking into a whole of darkness,
Where all around me is dark
And black
And people.
People who are moving and smiling and waving.
Hoping to carry on their energy into me,
Giving their best and hopes and wishes in their “I’m so sorry”,
Striving for their positive auras to infiltrate into mine.
But I’m still sinking.
And worrying and stressing and stretching and pulling at my limits,
Which have already broken and fallen in shards,
Long ago.
I sink and sink and watch as the hands above are reaching to pull me out.
Sometimes arms and legs and everything they can do to reach to me.
But I can’t pull myself up.
So there I sink by myself.
But persuading the minds around me that the depth of my troubles,
Is on the ground they stand on.
And I’m fine,
In their minds.
But simultaneously putting on the greatest show of all,
The persona of happiness.

- a.g.