I still remember....
The feel of your skin,
A sweet tenderness of warmth,
Lighten up the black hole within.

I still remember...
Every tiny mole,
Scattered through your body,
Put together they made me whole.

I still remember...
Your cheesy smile,
Stretched ear to ear,
Even though it's been a while.

I still remember...
The look in your eyes,
As if nothing mattered,
For ten years you've left me hypnotized.

I still remember...
Every little surprise,
Just to brighten my day,
Like a kaleidoscope I was mesmerized.

I still remember...
The day we made our vows,
Promises to be mine forever,
Just to realize they were all lies.

I still remember...
Every hurtful word,
That broke me into pieces,
And shattered my world.

I still remember...
Making the decision,
To walk away for a better future,
But you never came back...like a knife making an incision.

I still remember...
Never giving up,
To bring you back,
Following you like a silly pup.

I still remember...
How you chose her over me,
And my heart keeps breaking,
With every post I see.

I worry.
With every fiber in my body,
Each and every melody...
In my soul.

Or the lack there of.

But yet the tunes resonate,
Engulfing my very being.
Singing for an escape,
Chanting for freedom,
Tapping into every neuron.  

I worry,
There will never be a happy ever after.

there are things that aren't mine to tell
the same can be said of you as well
even as our every cell pushes us to expel it

some secrets that I've bid people keep
were steeped in stigma, dangerous to sweep
into a corner with all my black sheep

the question comes now, 20/20 hindsight
why none of them put up a fight
as I made them complicit in hiding my plight

I was grateful then, but now I'm not sure
that keeping it secret was the best cure
but I still believe their intentions were pure

They were.
They were.

I think of dying a lot.
Almost every day it seems.
My mind is consumed by the thought that,
Possibly,
one day,
I will simply cease to exist.
My brain doesn't understand,
it cannot comprehend,
the brevity of these thoughts.
Not existing isn't an option, it goes against human instinct.

A part of me hopes there is life after death,
That with all the possible universes and timelines,
We can simply switch from this one to the next.

The anxious part of me,
the largest parts of me,
panic at the idea of having no air or sun or life.
Nothing, not even awareness of the absence of something.

As empty as I am, or have been,
I still fight.
I fight to stay alive and to experience all of the wonderful moments that exist in this life.
I want to travel to unknown Italian islands and see the way the sun sets in Thailand.

Why am I stuck in this bubble, this little corner of Earth, when there is so much more to explore?

I am afraid of dying, without ever having the opportunity to live.

How does it feel
to wake up each morning
happy to be alive

to have a sense of direction,
a purpose in your life.

How does it feel
to be loved by someone
truly, completely

to not be caged by anxiety,
able to live freely.

Please tell me how it feels
to belong,
to fit in

to feel beautiful
comfortable in your own skin.

How does it feel
to feel
anything
except for sad
and alone

I would love to know.