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Xander Holden May 2019
today i had a thought unbidden
but not at all unwelcome
centered around something
that has made its way into the heart
of what we are

It’s been there when
I was at my worst
when he was at his

It’s been there when
we were happy and content

It’s been there when
each of us was stressed
beyond comprehension

and today the thought came
that i wouldn’t mind at all
if it was there when we move in together
when we make a life together
when we share a bed together
when we go through losses together
when we go through triumphs together

it’ll be there
and so will he

whether he carries it in and lays it over me
as i struggle to take a breath alone
or it’s stuffed in a backpack
pulled out when someone gets cold
Or it’s at the foot of a bed
that we share in the future

out of place in any month but December
that Christmas blanket
wrapped around the both of us
as we face life together
and spend the extra time
we both tried to give away
loving each other
each and every day
Xander Holden May 2019
it’s been awhile, hasn't it
since i've written,
since i’ve seeked solace in poems

It’s been awhile, i’ll admit it
since i’ve needed to
since i’ve felt out of control

I’m happier now, than I was back when
I wrote away my pain
I wrote away my confusions

The days ahead look brighter
and it’s all because of him
and it’s all because he’s him
Xander Holden Jan 2019
I am
a staged house
meant to seem perfect for you
a turtle, shelled
wondering if the dark inside is normal
a locked box
with secrets inside, undisclosed
an echo
no longer what it once was
a nightmare
pretending to be a nice dream
Xander Holden Jan 2019
i will never be someone else
but the self i am can grow
and change and rearrange
til there's something new to show

each day i go somewhere new
but the path home is lined with light
as my mind and body travel by day
then rush back home by night

somehow new tales unfold
the good, the bad, the rote
from the happenings of passing time
chapter by chapter we stay afloat

someone else, somewhere else
may somehow disagree
but somewhen else, i will be
the best that i can be
Xander Holden Dec 2018
i miss you. more than i thought i would
i miss how you watch without staring,
how you help without overbearing.

i miss how you hide around others but not me,
how you always have my back without touching

i miss how your eyes show emotion
when i can bring myself to look,
how you seem to read me like an open book

i miss the walks to and from,
the way you always ask if i had fun

i miss your sarcasm and wit,
how we don't want to split
as the night comes to an end

trust me, my friend, i miss you
and i can't wait to see you again.
Xander Holden Nov 2018
watching the numbers tick by on the clock
contemplating existence and its imminent end
never thought i'd see those numbers again
maybe I should take a walk around the block
scream to the sky, where no one can mock

it's different this time, in the dead of night
my eyes grow dim and hazy, dizzy in the head
wishing he weren't here, and I were in bed
but there is no sun here, no stars, no light
I've barely the strength to fight my own fight

something in me is broken, a crack in the shell
maybe this is the last time those numbers drift by
and i'll find peace where i'm headed after I die
for here, i've found myself in a personal hell
wondering how the devil knew me so well
Xander Holden Nov 2018
The ellipses I use at the end of phrases
hold the world of my thoughts unsaid
in those three little dots my life goes unread
but what if I said all those words instead?

"If I could be invisible for a day, I'd stand on
top of a building and watch the world go by..."
before taking the final step and saying goodbye

"I really can't right now..."
I'm lying in bed and my mind won't allow
me to get up, but I'll see you around

"Nothing new lately..."
nothing really at all, too numb to care
too numb for life, too numb to share

"I'm better at answering questions than telling..."
so please notice something is wrong
I've been holding it in far too long

"I get what you're saying..."
but somehow I don't believe you
when you say life is worth seeing through

I love you, I miss you, I need help, I tried.
I'm sorry, I'm broken, I'm stupid, I'm blind.

I wish that this helped, but it didn't this time
but everything is fine...
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