(Revised)

Journal entry #8

It was surprisingly through therapy, I learned that grief doesn't just happen with death.
You can actually mourn someone still very much alive.

So, as my therapist would say,
"Lets explore that."


#1: Denial.
I remember this stage pretty well.  The world felt meaningless, Everything was overwhelming. Nothing in my life made sense anymore. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that there was no more you and me. I was paralyzed with shock. I was utterly and completely numb. I didn't feel anything for weeks. Until I guess I was ready to start asking myself the why of all that happened between us.

#2: Pain
As the shock and denial of my marriage ending began to slowly melt away, I felt as though I was hit by a bus as deep pain and guilt within me had finally surfaced. The reality of it all sunk in and I was left with nothing but a huge void in my heart.
The pain was beyond excruciating, a type of hell I'd never wish on anyone. My only escape to avoid the unbearable pain was drowning myself in wine. I drank almost  every single night for the sole purpose of escaping the reality which was to go on living my life, but without you in it.



#3: Rage.
Now I'll admit it took me a while to get to this step.
And after weeks of crying and missing you. It happened as fast as a flick of a light switch.
I was so angry at you, for what you had put me through.
I wanted you to feel every ounce of what I was feeling.
I wanted to hate you.
I was angry at all the things you had done.
All the truth I found out after I left you.
I felt like it wasent fair that you were there living Scott free without a care, without a worry with someone you replaced me with.
Rage consumed me.
I was even angry with God.
So I cut myself off from everything and everyone.
I talked to no one because I was just that angry.
At life and above all...
You.
I felt like I was lost at sea with no connection to anything.


4: Bargaining.
Then came the what ifs.
Maybe if I had been more this we'd still be married. If only I had done this maybe then you'd still be here... with me.
If only I could just got back into time and tell you once more how much I loved you, maybe then you'd understand, make better choices for our marriage.
I even bargained with my own pain. I did anything not to feel the pain of my loss. I remained in the past, trying to negotiate my way out of all the hurt.


#5: Depression.
Ahh depression the current stage that I am at.
It'll come over you like a thief in the night.
Empty feelings began to present themselves, and my grief came into my life on such a deeper level.
Deeper than I had ever imagined.
I am completely in a never ending fog.
I've withdrawn from life.
I want so desperately to pull myself out of this, but I'm lost.
I've lost myself.
I think that once the loss of leaving the only man I've ever loved settles within my soul That will be when I truly Find peace.


#6: Acceptance.
If I'm being perfectly honest with myself and my therapy.
I'll admit I'm not there yet.
You were the first love of my life.
You knew me.
I knew you, despite all the lies, all the things you tried to hide.
I saw you.
The real you, which is why I tried to save you from yourself so many times over, for years.
I saw your darkness, and I took it on as if it had been mine all along.
I tried to be the light in your life.
I tried to show you that despite your flaws, your past, your lies, that you had a chance for a better life... with me.
The very person that saw all of that horrible ****, and still loved you and felt in her heart that none of that was who you really are.
But It was never enough and sadly neither was I.
Looking back now I second guess myself.
Maybe that's just who you really are and the saying love is blind was our ultimate end.




#7: Hope
My therapist says that hope is the final stage of grief a person goes through after acceptance.
According to her the feelings you experience are not the same as resignation or feeling defeated.
It's In this stage that, you soon realize that,
(for instance in my case me ending my marriage) is something that was going to happen and was not in my control.
Moreover, I would then be able to move on with my life and even try to plan for a better future. The loss of my marriage, though still might be upsetting, when I reach this stage I hopefully will no longer be filled with the unbearable pain I've described throughout this poem.

This is the last thing I'll ever write about you, as it's just time to let you go.


I wish I could have known you in another life.
Where you never hurt the people that love you the most.


I wish I could have known you in another life, where you didn't allow your own inner turmoil and pain dictate and rule your life.

I wish I'd known you in another life.
A life where, when you were, incapable of loving yourself.
You'd let me shower you with my love instead.
A place where my love would have been enough.

I wish I had known you in another life.
Where you really loved me as your wife.
A place where I would have been able to tell you,

You were simply it for me.


And if I had known you in another life,
My heaven would be to spend the Rest of my days,
Loving you, giving you, what you think you don't deserve.

(Explicit)

I couldn't tell you what it was...
Or what caused it...
I honestly hadn't thought about you much...
It was a first but it came in plenty.
It was like I forgot about you...
Even if only...

Briefly...

My theory is...
Yes, of course I have one...


In the wake of,
a recent devastation..
I was..
Quite vulnerable..
Teetering on hopelessness...

It was in the midst of all this,
That My,
Boss,
My Employer,
&
Friend,
Starts confiding in me for marital advice....

Seems harmless right??
I mean really...
Why the **** did I even care?

Why would these harmless insignificant things bring back so many memories.


I remember going home that evening...
Drinking wine on my little black sofa...
Looking out my window, as the rain began to sound against my window pane..

It was then, that I realized..
Something started stirring in me
...
I was missing you...

What the hell is wrong with me?

Why do familiar situations, have that pile of **** way of digging things up...
You've already buried ten feet deep?

I'm angry...

I'm ******* at myself!

I don't want to miss a man who doesn't miss me.
Whose not thinking about me.

I don't want to feel the icy sting in my heart knowing he never loved me.

How he got away Scott free.
Without pain or agony...

I don't want there to be some piece of you I always love or a special place in my heart, where you'll always stay...

Because you don't ******* deserve it.

You never deserved me...

You never indured...
The pain and agony...
You don't know what it feels like, to be suffering.

Having to go through what it feels like when, your heart gets even a whiff of something that's tied to your memory..

I hate that my heart still entertains this **** because I wanna be rid of everything that has your memory tied to it.

I had a strange dream last night. Everything was black and white.
My inner self transformed into another version of me and had taken me by the hand to a place I'd never seen.
I followed her like moth to a flame.
Hoping to gain some insight, some advice on my life.
But expectations are not a fair game.

It was there under the grey moon that she asked me in the most convincing unsure way...
Turning to me she said...

"Maybe you've already had your happiness, whats left to gain? Why are we always searching for something you're just not meant to have in this theoretical story?"

I looked up at the moon that looked as if it just turned twelve shades darker.

"If you believe that, if that were true then how do I explain this to my heart? That true loves just a game? A gimmic, a fate of magic we weren't meant to gain? Tell me, I'll listen to anything you have to say." I said softly.

But her gaze brought no answers.
They didn't reveal anything at all.

So I asked her again!
"Why tell me this?"
"Was this your plan all along?"
"To bring me here, to make me second guess, all that I have been through both present and future?"
"I can't believe true love is not out there, waiting for me, and that I'll never find it."
Or that it'll never find me."

It was like she knew more than she put on as she flashed a smile.
It warmed me with reassurance, but it was her eyes that said much more...
Never give up on love even when Your faced with your own self doubt.

All I want is for the right man to enter my life that's supposed to be there.

In my dreams..
I picture him having rough strong hands that are lined with experience.
I picture him running his hands softly across my damaged past,
Lingering over the shattered places within my heart.
Kissing me so deeply, engulfed in unspeakable passion erasing every ounce of doubt that arises.
I picture him grabbing my hand, standing tall beside me, at the most crucial times, when others have left me...
I picture him saying...
"I love you."
I picture me believing it because the truth will be in his eyes.
And when he says,
"I'll never let you battle anything ever again alone."
It'll be in this small moment of pure bliss,
That...
I picture myself thanking God,
Because he turned a tiny dream of mine into a reality.

Journal entry #14
(Forgiveness)

To the girl I use to be....

I forgive you.

We all in some point in our lives, fall in love with an *******, who wouldn't know a good thing if it slapped them clean across the face.

It wasen't your fault.

You did what you were suppose to.

You loved him with your whole heart.

And it wasn't your fault he was never deserving.

Go ahead..
Go live your beautiful life.

You got this.

Journal Entry #13

I know its been sometime since I've written, but in my defense
I've been a busy girl.

I turn thirty-two in a couple days, and I'll be honest..
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This year has been nothing but changes for me.
Walked away from a toxic marriage.
Moved away from everyone and everything I know.
Walked away from childhood friendships,
Because they refused to grow...
Depression took over and consumed my life...
Crippling me.
I was alone.
With nothing...
But pain to keep me company.

But...
See...
That's one thing about me...
I've always been about bettering mine.
I may forget how strong I am temporarily.
But I'm not the type to roll over and die just like that.
All those so called people in my life that said they loved me.
Always wanting me to do good, but never better than them.
An ex husband who blinded me with lies and his own misery.
It's sad once you realize these were the kinds of people I let take up so much of my time...


But none of you really knew me at all...
Never thought I'd stand up on my own two feet again..
Get my **** together again.

You thought you knew me.
But that's one thing about me.
As soon as you doubt me,
I'll show you how hard I grind.
Proved all of you wrong, all at the same time.

I can't give no more time to that petty ****.
The petty life you chose to live.
You're steady complaining about your life,
but doing nothing to change it.
Drowning in your own misery.
Assuming I'd always be along for the ride.
why'd I tolerate that **** for so long?

But see,
I'm not that same girl you use to know.
And that's one thing you just never saw.
You're not moving,
You're stagnate in your own misery.
You're not growing with me.
Its just time I let you go.
I have no more sympathy to give to you.

Oh, you think I'm heartless.
Well get this...
This is how I see this...

If I can stand up from my own personal hell of...
Loss...
Heartache...
Loneliness...
Misery...
Divorce...
Dep­ression..
Lift my own self up..
Walk out into better days..
All because I made the choice to change things.

Why cant you?


I'll be honest...
I hate that I had to let you go...
I get it you're upset with me..
That's okay I'll let you be.
Yeah, I hear some of you are hatin' me.
I had mad love & respect for you..
But that's the thing about me..
And yea,
I know you say...
I'm selfish...
But...
I cant grow with people in my life who refuse to grow with me.

Journal Entry #12

Today has been a hard day for me.
Needed to let off some steam.
So I went for a walk today.
Even though it was cold and snowing today.
Hands in my pockets.
I thought this was ok, because the weather matched my mood today.

Had to cut a childhood friend out of my life today.
Which would explain why I'm so sad today.
In all fairness though, she handed me the scissors.

That's my life though.
That's what I get though.
For trying to save everyone I love from themselves.
That's what I get though.
For Always having the purest of intentions.
But what I've come to learn in my 31 years of life,
Is that you can't save people who don't wanna be saved.

But let me ask you this...
What kind of person would I be if I stood by and watched the ones I love drown in their own misery.
What am I to do?
Watch?
Do nothing?
When everything inside of me can't bare to watch without throwing that line of support over and over again. Hoping against hope that they'll finally grab a hold?
Or do I do nothing?
and stand by while I'm burning alive inside because I can't help them?
Do I just accept it and leave them to drown?
But, if I did this....
I can't help but think what kind of person does that make me that I'd allow this?

Journal Entry #11

People in my life always ask me why I don't date, my mother included. And we can now add my therapist to that list as well.

I told my therapist I find dating humorous and annoying currently.
I think my answer caught her by surprise as she smiled at me and then asked why?
So I decided throwing out actual scenarios would be my best course of action.

I told her for starters I'm completely oblivious when a guy is interested.

For instance:

My Mother: "Honey, why didn't you end up going out with that nice boy, he seemed like a good person for you?

My Response: "Mom, I planned on going out with him. But then I started watching that movie What Woman Want with Mel Gibson, and I came to the conclusion that I'd rather not wear pants.
So I never left my apartment."
~~~~~~~~~~

My best friend: "Hey, that guy over there keeps looking at you. He's totally checking you out!"

My Response: "Naw, he probably has something in his eye and just so happens to be looking in my general direction. He was probably eating something spicy and touched his face. You don't know!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Sister: "Umm, that man was clearly hitting on you. He was just just taken by you, it was so obvious! He was smiling at you the entire time."

My Response: "Naw, he was just really interested in what my preferences on vacuums were."
~~~~~~~~~~~

My therapist laughed at my awkward interactions with men and then went on to say,

"Clearly men are interested in you, but maybe you're just not ready to even be open to the idea of dating again, and that's why you really don't see when men are actually interested in you. How do you feel about that?"

My Response: "I think in part that's very true. But I also think that the idea of actually having to put on pants and talk to men is just a huge no thanks. I think the day I even humor another mans existence will be the day a man makes me happier than eating bread in a pile of freshly washed laundry.
A girls gotta have her standards."

Journal entry#11

My mom is my best friend.
She's wise beyond her years.

Today I came to her with tears.

I said, "mother why am I suffering."

I could hear her smile through the phone as she gently replied...
"Without suffering there would be no compassion."

I chucked through my tears and said, "Tell that to the ones who are currently suffering mom."

Her voice softened even more as she responded with so much love,
"Without suffering my sweet daughter how would we ever know joy?"




I love you mom

Journal Entry #10

I had the worst overwhelming stressed out day at work.
I felt like crying.
I felt out of my element.
I had no strength to go on.

And it was in that moment..
That I thought of you.
I wanted nothing more than to come home,
Bury my face in your warm embrace and cry.
All I needed was your strong arms wrapped around me tight and I'd know that everything would be alright.

It was only when I walked through the door of my empty lonely apartment that I realized.

"Oh.... that's right I'm not married."

Journal Entry #9

To lame to stand how I feel..
I press my lips to this glass filled with forget and I swallow deep.

Standing in nothing but a t-shirt, alone in this big empty apartment. I take solace in this glass to numb the pain within.

But as the music changes a song that reminds me of you starts playing.
How Ironic wouldnt you say...


I close my eyes tightly...
tense up..
try to fight it...
but before I know it my body is a slave to this beat and it makes my body come alive.

My hand grazes my bare thighs and I lose myself just briefly....
I pause, as I remember how good it felt when you touched me.

I remember the electricity and how you use to look at me.
God, the chemistry...
moments later your face appears so clear and perfect in my mind.

"Oh god, I hate this!" I think, as I press into the counter top behind me.
I try my hardest to stop thinking about you but memories of you are coming in waves and im being swept away.

I cant help but imagine what it felt like when youd slide your hands to wrap around me...
my god, the safest I ever felt.


I ache for you.

These memories are torment.

Tears stream down my flushed cheeks.

I bring my hand to my lips and I'm lost again.
I imagine bringing your lips to mine and how much of a rush it was each time.
You were intoxicating.
Kissing you was like a drug I could never kick.
Always wanting more.
Entangled in eachother.
Hold tight, each moment I did. Never wanting it to end.
Kissing in such synchronisation. Kissing you was nothing but second nature.

But I fight it, I try and shake it off.
shake you off.
my hips begin to sway falling slave again to our perfect song.
To the beat of my favorite song. The song about us.


I dont know how you do it.
I dont know how you forget such an addicting thing we had.
But you did and I'm lost with only memories now.
Memories I have to bury.
Because they give me so much pleasure but also so much pain.

Journal entry #2

Curled up on the bathroom floor.
I stare down at my phone, so long, that my eyes glaze over.
Surprised I remembered all the songs that use to set my soul on fire.
Music was always my second love, and then there was you.

Already tipsy, I take a long swig from my bottle of jack and say to myself, (Rip it, its just like a bandaid just do it.)

I hit shuffle and the first song that plays is...
(H.O.L.Y. by Florida Georgia Line)

The pain that washed over me was excruciating. It made every hair on my body stand and shiver. Tears fell from my eyes as my mind brought me right back to that time, and that place, in that car, as I brought you to our home and you sang that song to me.

I remember thanking God in this moment.
I finally had you back. I remember thinking how lucky I was... Blessed.
Thinking we conquered it all.
Feeling like I had died and gone to heaven and there you were.

I felt short of breath, I felt like I was suffocating. Because I  never knew such a happiness existed...never wanting someone so much in your life..

Try to see this through my eyes.
Life hasent always been good to me.
I try to see the good in life.
But good things in life are hard to find.
But then, in walks a man I thought was sent from heaven.
Maybe, it was finally my time to be happy?

God is that you?

Too blind to see it at the time, but God was saying No the entire time.

I was blown away, what could I say?
It all seemed to make sense at the time.
Stupid me, thinking he loved me, as much as I loved him.

Journal Entry #7

I have a beautiful one year old, harlequin, Great Dane and she's huge.  
I'm use to people staring but I was not prepared for today.

So they we were, walking in the snow.
I had my headphones on.
Music blasting.
Minding my own **** business and these two very attractive guys pull over and yell, "hey" loudly at me.
I stop and turn and they say to me,
"what's your baby's name?"

(Mind you, I am awkward as **** when it comes to interacting with men in anyway, and this entire interaction caught me completely off guard.)

So I smiled awkwardly and replied, "Sawyer."
They both smiled widely at me and the driver leaned forward and yelled "Hiiiiii Sawyer."
All I could do was laugh because to me this was just hilarious.
Still smiling at me, both the driver and the guy in the passenger seat finally wave and say bye and all I could come up with at the time was the words,
"ok."

Which brings me to the conclusion that if you're dog is getting more attention than you I should just assume the title forever alone.

Journal entry #6

When he use to look at me,
the way he use to look at me...
I always felt, like he didnt know, what I lacked..
Or rather, how I am incomplete.
I felt like he saw me, for what I am, as I am.
He made me believe he was happy with me.
Happy to see me.
Every single time.
Every single day.

But he had a darkness about him.
A darkness I tried to save him from.
A darkness I couldn't compete with, no matter how much light...
I...
Myself...
Saw...
In...
Him.

Journal entry #5


I'm missing you today.
Don't ask me how I feel about it cuz I wouldn't know what I'd say.

Today is harder than others.
At times I'm angry.
At times I'm so sad.
It feels as if the inside of me is screaming.

Why the hell did I agree to do this.
The only thing that seems to dull the deep ache within is this bottle of jack.
I know it's not the answer.
But I'm dealing with the fact that your not here and I can never take you back.

I guess I'm just hoping,
That after this fever I'll survive.
I feel strung out, Maybe even a little hazy.
My pain is my only reminder that I'm still here.
Hand over heart.
Quit beating... for him.


If you ever went looking for me you'd find me scattered in pieces on this cold bathroom floor.
And every second's like torture.
I'm searching the heavens for an answer on how to let you go.

Journal Entry #3

It's been a few days since I listened to all those songs that reminded me of you.
But before I begin..
Lemme just ask..
Have you ever listened to a song that just touched you?

Its weird just today I was on my way home driving in the snow.
This song came on that I hadn't heard in years and it brought me to tears.
Not tears of sadness, but tears of happiness.
This song reminded me of who I use to be.
So confident.
No ***** given.
No holding back.
I spoke my mind.

I was such a fun loving person before I met you.
And this song made me realize that I had given so much of myself to you, and along the devastating way, I lost myself.
I lost so much of myself trying to love you.

The songs called "Don't let me stop you by Kelly Clarkson."
Below is my version revised of her original song.


I used to be a little bit shy.
Little bit broken inside.
I kept my deepest feelings inside.
Speaking up to anyone about my feelings has always been hard.
But this just can't wait.

I finally found myself again.
I'm feeling pretty brave.
So no more holding back with you.

This is gonna sound kind of silly,
But I couldn't help but notice
Feeling like there's something between us.

But I'm not into games.
Got no patience for that kind of game.
If you don't need to be with me,
And I don't need to hold on,

Then by all means...

Don't let me let me stop you,
From doing what you wanna do.
If You don't wanna stick with me just it's cool.
It'll take me no time getting over you.

I'm not glass baby.
If you wanna leave baby you can leave.
Just don't pretend that you're into me.

There's a lot of things I can take.
Got a high threshold for pain.
But let's get one thing straight,
I'm not down to share you with anyone.
If that's not what you're looking for..
****, nice knowing you, but honey there's the door.

I'm not worried, cause I know that I can find someone who'll give me what I want.

I don't wanna hear goodbye,
But either way I'll be just fine.

Journal entry #4

Ever since I started this dammned therapy, it's as if the flood gates have opened up within my heart.
All the memories of you I kept hidden are now breaking through. Destroying all the walls I hand built to keep you out.

These memories come in waves.
Some are brief.
Some are long.
Some are just glimpses of your handsome face.

But out of all of them, one in particular stands out.

We had rented movies.
All the movies you chose were action packed.
But I chose a romantic movie.
I don't remember the name, but I do remember the ending.

It made me cry, it was a beautiful ending about love everlasting.
And I remember looking over at you expecting you to laugh at me, but you too were crying.

I remember how we both instantly laughed.
It was then In that very moment,
(At the time)
That I thought we were sharing the same feelings.
That we were crying because we could relate to how much these two people loved each other, because we loved each other just as much.

I'll never forget how you pulled me in close hugged me, and kissed me and then said I love you so much.

And most of all, I'll never forget how we both wiped each others tears and said,

"**** this movie."

Lol

Journal entry #1


After driving home from my first therapy session.
I parked my car and sat there for a while.

Digesting, I guess you could say.
I let the words of my therapist circle my brain like a category 5 hurricane.

Her master plan of getting me over you, our divorce, and all the pain that still firmly consumed me was something I really didn't want to do.

(Make a musical playlist of all the songs that reminded/remind you of your ex husband. Find songs that he's dedicated to you, sang to you or just songs that hold sentimental value to you. Furthermore, she said I needed to cry, grieve, let it all out some way.)

But I didn't want to.
Why dig up **** you've buried?
Why resurrect what's been dead?
Breathe life back into feelings I wish never existed?

I sat in my car for hours.
Hating the idea of resurrecting my love, my feelings for you.
And I'll admit I got close.
Almost convinced myself to blow it all off...
Say to hell with this ****.

But then I heard my mothers words ring out in my mind.
"I see your pain and it brings me nothing but pain. I don't see my daughter when I look at you. All I can see is the reflection of your pain in your eyes."

It cut deep, not ganna lie.
And if you knew me personally, you'd know how much I love and adore my mother.

I exhaled in defeat...
Rolled my eyes...
Got out of the car dreading what I knew I had to do.