I am standing still as a rock curled up on the floor shaking back and forth. I am overreacting in response to your underreaction and something in my body just doesn't feel right anymore. A piece of me is angry that you dared to have this much control over me. Why were you trusted with a sword you didn't know how to use? Because these wounds are leaking blood and staining the new clothes I'm wearing for you. My underwear is covered in pictures of your favorite fruit that will never taste the same again.

I am trying to rationalize your behavior. I am making up excuse after excuse for you and I am disgusted with myself. It was you who put me in this situation and it is all your **** fault which is why I am to blame. I didn't know that nothing was strong enough to break glass, but here I am shattered after your lack of words struck me. Who do you think you are, because apparently I know nothing about you.

It was so subtle that I almost missed its hands wrapping around my throat. My face was blue by the time your rejection had sunk into my skin, pins and needles over every bit of flesh. I was changed in an instant.

You don't miss me back.

That knowledge bouncing back and forth inside of my skull on a Monday night. And maybe you were tired or maybe you were stressed or maybe you were revealing the truth to me, finally, releasing your feelings, or lack there of for the first time. Wasn't I so lucky to be there for your debut? I can feel ants crawling around on my heart and they must be hungry because they keep biting away miniscule pieces of me that I guess I didn't need.

You mean so much to me but I must be meaningless. I am breaking down and apparently you couldn't care less. You never told me you didn't love me, you never told me you didn't miss me, I had to figure that one out for myself, you never told me I was nothing, but that is how I am feeling.

And soon you will have to see my face and I will get to look upon yours and we will be together. My soul will be screaming out at you, demanding to know what changed, but my lips will not make a sound. I am silent and it has always been my greatest weakness, well, until I fell in love with you, anyway. All of this pain, yet I won't have a word to say. I am trapped here wondering what way it will go. Most of me doesn't even want to know. It's only a matter of days and even after all of this, I still manage to miss you, but

You don't miss me back.

Lie in the grass to appreciate the clouds, notice off-color pixels in the sky, storm in the next level up so they're switching the simulation onto the backup generators and the head of operations is always complaining that

the blue takes too much energy, couldn't they just switch it, but the researchers always insist

it would be too much of a logical fallacy, the pixels are hardly noticeable, and besides, most of the test subjects hardly look up

and isn't it funny that you're just a few blocks of memory?

lists of lies told to our parents
hide the cigarettes hide the smell breathing **** rips out the window
check the hall check the smell we're doing well
you never introduce your parents to the friend that is always high
the friend that betrays the lie
by not bothering to conceal
the misery in their eyes
straight for a weekend straight for a dinner happy for a phone call
we do this to ourselves under pressures from every direction
some will decay inwards implosion
while the others will be building
swirling expanding explosion
something and nothing are in constant balance
who is responsible who are you disappointing
what is the worst thing that could happen
if you admitted you weren't doing okay
do you honestly think your parents will stop loving you
if you tell them your friends smoke ***
**** this species

**** everything.
It hasn't even happened yet,
But I'm craving some drugs-
Anything to forget.
Because you know me,
And I know me,
And I don't cope,
All that easily.
Rejection is the worst.
So find me an old hearse
Because we both know
Where I'm gonna go.

So tonight I'll get high
For the very last time.
Tonight I'm gonna die
For the very first time.

I might be lazy,
But I don't wanna be idle.
Days like this remind me
Of being suicidal.
That tiny voice living
At the back of my mind,
Saying it'd be better
If I wasn't alive.
You know I don't believe
But today I wanna leave
Got some pain to relieve
And maybe I'm naive
But I need to escape
Yeah, I gotta get away
And I mean, it's not like
My life matters anyway

So tonight I'll get high
For the very last time.
Tonight I'm gonna die
For the very first time.

And well maybe I just need a drink
If it means that I don't have to think
Anything, anything
To not hear no from you
Because chances are that's what
You're going to do.
Why the **** did I even ask?
Is there still time to take it back?
We'll pretend it never happened
And my dreams won't get flattened.
But no, that's not an option.
I'll find a new addiction.
And I guess
I'll just have to settle
Something new,
Maybe it'll be fatal.

*So tonight I'll get high
For the very last time.
Tonight I'm gonna die
For the very first time.

Don't you ever think about timing?
Sometimes things don't work out and
sometimes broken glasses never tell you
why they run away and it just becomes
a fact of life that you'll never see another
pair of broken glasses.

I told our story to two stars so I hope
you'll get the symbolism when the
wrecking ball comes to tear them
down. I find it reassuring that we'll
never be remembered; we just
nonchalantly broke each other's
hearts.

Red armchair in the back
of the independent clothing
store with three of your friends
piled up in it dressed like zombies,
trying not to get the fake
blood - sweet, sticky, and the
wrong shade of red - on any
of the merchandise. You
signed your names on their
wall with the confidence that
some things last forever.
A few years later you hear that
the store closed, a little too
independent for the locals, and
you wonder if you're feeling
nostalgic or just hungry.

dandelion seed
when i grow up
i'll be a ****
if i grow up
dandelion seed
sudden breeze
and I go up

*I spend all of my free time hating myself

But I'll tell you that it's so nice to sleep
I don't think you're the one that gets to forgive me
And to tell you the truth, I forgive myself

I took a walk to the
meadow where dreams
come from and as the
sun sank down pastel
clouds followed me and
the birds stopped singing
as darkness crashed down
upon us. A fog crawled across
the meadow, clinging to the
surface of this rock and
I find myself clinging to
the branch of a tree, my feet
floating upwards, threatening
to fly me away. And
I want to go, I long to float away.
But my hand stays on the branch.

I'm doing a little better lately
but I got these habits
I can't tell my mother about
This summer
I learned
  how to develop a tool for engineers
  to like the taste of beer
My life is a list
  of    disappointing lists
  of a disappointing life
when did I start buying whiskey
when did my friends start selling ****
when did my life become my life
  I never really get a chance to understand myself
  I often wonder when I learned to      hate myself
I've been doing this for too long.

happy to nonfunctional
    one eighty degrees
I go from blazing fire to
    a mid-July freeze
my mind is doing fine but
    my body isn't
living instability
    this isn't pleasant
wearing a blindfold at the
    edge of a great cliff
misstep, suddenly falling
    I could use a lift
I start a day rock-solid
    by the end crumbling
smiling and laughing but then
    alone and trembling
Can you explain me to me?
Can you explain me to me?

Don't you know I am a mirror?
But my handlers didn't handle me too well
Ignoring fragile this side up,
They dropped me on my head
And naturally, I shattered
Had I been alive,
I guess I'd now be dead.
A shard of me is trapped in Charleston
Caged in by a terrorist
Hatred and racism rattle the bars
What the **** do they mean
When they insist they do not see it?
My broken shard shows a murderer
Protected and escorted by the police
And isn't that the most ****** up part?
My broken shard shows a murderer
Protected and escorted by the police
And no one can tell them apart
I've forgotten the names
I've forgotten the faces
I've forgotten the number
of people of color killed
by cops in this ******* country
Because there have been too many
And a new soul joins the list almost daily
I don't remember their faces
But I see them in my shards
How do so many white people
Think it isn't our fault?

The monster in my ribcage
Is trying to claw her way out
again
Carelessly crashing against my heart
Denting it, scratching it, breaking it
again
I didn't ask for a demon
But it's not like she wants me
alive
How does the darkness in my mind
Make its way to my chest to
abuse
In a room full of people
She always makes me feel
alone
Gripping my heart and haunting my mind
Images of dying
alone
And I guess it's no wonder
I always find drugs to
abuse
Please never ask me
If I really want to be
alive
She controls me
Shaking my bones
again
Call her a disease, call her a monster
She owns me
again

I didn't even know
How good my heart felt
Until you froze it with your words
And drove an ice pick right through it
Because I swear I knew how to fly
Just a moment ago
When I thought there might be something
But I guess there must be nothing
This frequency is killing me
Your signals keep getting mixed
Clarity
Is what I need
The underlying truth
Hiding beneath your waves
Why can't we just say
Why can't I just ask
Why can't you just tell me
Do you need me
My cracked heart craves you
Do you hear me
I hear your crackling sound
We could be something
But you guard yourself
With freezing words
And the sharpest ice pick
I've ever felt

Simplicity is missing a physical object
something concrete, felt with the hands
But what is missing an abstract concept?
Possibility, felt with the heart?

Because I have felt him in my hands
Because I have known him as my friend
And as a result I miss him
in a way that makes total sense
And as a result I miss him
in a way I cannot explain

Because I miss the tension in the air
the gravity pulling us together
the fear that we might suddenly kiss
the excitement that we might suddenly kiss
I miss the infinite possibilities
tangled strings tied between us
I miss glancing at him
to find him glancing at me

I could say that I miss him
but that would be so incomplete.

this waltz is instinctual
our bodies
collision course

and all I can do
is pay attention to you
so how did you suddenly get closer?
But my leg moves an inch to the left
your gravity
pulling me
laughing at your stupid jokes

Our minds screaming
our timing is terrible
but instincts can't listen
and isn't it telling
we have the same waltz
collision course

last minute
evasive maneuver
you're leaving to sleep
and how do I explain
that we both want you to stay?
But it isn't liked our fates have changed
merely delayed
gravitational instincts too strong
this waltz ingrained
collision course
and the steering wheel's busted.

We want peace but
we can't stop the war
Everyone is fighting
no one knows what for
But I am so small
I am a candle
floating around in space
I crave a little less
darkness in this place
But I am so small
There are two people
by their own hands dead
And everyone else
demons in their head
But I am so small

life goes
on
so they tell me
two freshmen
gone suddenly
they ex-
plain
how we should keep going
without our
humanity showing
god for-
bid
our grades should suffer
just like all
of us - like they were

Standing in the snow
We kiss on the Harvard bridge
With two cities smiling at us
Because I had stopped
To appreciate their beauty
But got distracted by yours
And you tell me
That you hadn't stopped
In case I was cold
And my laughter
Shakes your shoulder

You said you'd walk me to my door
But the last few feet take twenty minutes
As we talk
Finally we kiss one last time
You tell me to keep in touch
And begin to walk away
I say, "you too"
It takes you ten more feet
Before you clarify
"I meant tonight"

Shivering hole in my chest
whimpering your name
it begs the universe
to let me fall in love with you

I want to ask you
which broken pieces
of your childhood
have influenced
how you want to
raise your kids

I want to listen
to you explain
what you had for
lunch today
on the edge of my seat
to know why
you chose the tacos
over your usual sandwich

I want to wake up
in the middle of the night
and find you there
asleep beside me
I want to memorize
your eyelashes
as my mind
turns itself back off

whimpering hole
deep in my chest
begging the universe
to let me see you again
to let me get to know you
to let me fall in love with you

They tie you down
and you lie there
on your side
imagining your body
walking away
but these ropes
cut into your skin
so you don't
struggle.

They must have
drugged you
because you
can't remember
how to sleep
and your eyes
never stay closed
so you have no
escape.

They are grinning
listing every mistake
you've ever made
explaining
everyone hates you
they don't
want you around
so you sob
silently.

that lumpy muscle imprisoned in my ribcage,
did she ever tell you she can see the future?
She whispers warnings of what is to come
and I am so thankful that she is so wise.

She tightens
and presses
against her bars,
so I freeze.
I listen
to her panicked
breaths
Something
dark
is approaching

You know that thing
where a stupid predator
can't see you
if you don't move?
Well I guess
the darkness
must be pretty dumb.

Because we freeze
the instant she tells me
and we wait
memorizing the shape
of the air in the room.

Late at night
I hear sobbing
in her cage.
But during the day
we live
or we wait
for darkness
to finally win.

I first arrived
and this beach
looked like heaven.
Sand shifting
like clouds beneath my feet,
nothing bad could happen
in a place that looks this good.
And I guess
in the excitement
I never noticed
it was low tide.
My brow furrows
as I try
desperately
to see land past the water
but it is endless.
So I sit at the feet
of this endless god
inhale the salty spray
inhale the peaceful air.
How long have I been here?
At some point
the water
I swear
it moved
I swear
the water
it's coming for me.
My eyes are fixed
the edge of the water
approaching slowly
but I think
it's getting faster.
Cold
wet
my rightmost toe
it is here.
Why am I
still
here?
My mind has tied me down
I stare
unmoving
as the water engulfs my feet.
I do not twitch
I do not blink
I watch
my own fate unfolding.
I never learned
how to swim.

Brown leaves
October fading
into November
and the Breeze
becomes meaner;
its bites
are a little harder.

And out comes
a jacket
well worn
a little torn
on the right elbow.

But he's
the Meanest
garment I have.
He's filling
this empty cavern in my chest
with a sharp Darkness,
like broken bottles
pieces of glass
discarded in an alleyway.

Jacket around
my shoulders
and I lie
down
couch
bed
floor;
it doesn't matter.
And I am Stuck
trapped
in Thoughts
of inadequacy
of misery
of Darkness invading my soul.

The Jacket is grinning
mocking
laughing
He is pleased.
Because though
I wear a Jacket
I am still
Cold.

.                         it's not
                          that I have
                          any particular
                          desire
to **** myself                                
                          ­it's just that
                          I have no real
                          objections
                       ­   to the idea

Her socks depict the night sky
because she's a little obsessed.
This morning she left on
most of the clothes she wore yesterday.
Opened her shirt drawer
and put on the first one
to avoid getting stuck
with a decision she'd have to make.
Bright red hoodie
clashes with purple tank top
clashes with striped skirt
clashes with blue night sky socks
but she has an exam she never studied for.
And she walks down the hall
stares at the other humans
dressed in clothes
that make them look
stable and
well adjusted
and she feels
a gray nothing
in response.

I type out
a friendly message to you
and I pause
to write a poem about it
about you.

I need you.
I can't even explain
Because I've never felt
this before.
Which is such
a stupid
cliché thing to say.


I slowly
backspace
over my carefully
carved words,
and click
the x next to your name.

And I sigh,
Tonight is not our night.
And maybe,
It never will be again.

There is something about the twinkling in your eyes
as you smile
as you listen
to me say my useless words.

And I desperately want
to explain the rain
to that little twinkle.

And I desperately crave
feeling you
feel the spot behind my ear.

Because at 1:11 a.m.
the rain is pouring against
my window pane
and the sound of it
is happiness
in my soul.
And I consider
this summer
and I decide
I missed the rain.
I've found
one thing
I don't like about California.

And I see
your twinkle
from across 3000 miles.

I am a butterfly
caught in barbed wire.

You were the most beautiful thorn!
I had ever seen.
I knew exactly
what I was doing,
what I was getting into.
Because I was into you,
falling onto you.

And you're still beautiful
except for this red spot
where my body leaks onto you
Infecting you with me
and part of me is sorry
that I let you hurt me.

I guess now isn't our time.
Maybe in two years
we'll figure something out.

And so what
if I'll throw myself at strangers
until I forget
that you're not mine.

And so what
I haven't stopped smoking
since we didn't say goodbye.
I'll stay high
until I forget
that I'm not yours.

And so what
I cried Thursday night.
I dried my face
and got myself home.
Maybe I'll cry a few more times
until I forget
that we were almost us.

And so what
my heart's a little cracked;
I'll forget.

and I have this craving
for something I can't touch.

Cities and people and 3000 miles
and this cold ache in my muscles.

Did I forget to mention
that I need you?
You forgot to mention
that you need me too.

And I guess time wasn't on our side
assuming, of course,
that your side is mine.