Tonight I had plans
to study your voice and memorize
the exact color of your eyes.

Plans to lie in your arms
underneath the stars,
maybe sneak into your heart.

I didn't plan to sleep
because tomorrow I'll sleep in Boston
and our little chapter will be all done.

I'm already starting to forget
how your voice sounds,
and now I'll never find out.

But it's fine.
It's not like I even wanted
to say goodbye.

I want you
to tell me it'll be
okay

But you don't know
that things aren't okay

and I don't know
how to tell you
that I'm crying on the floor
rocking back and forth

and I don't know
how to ask
you to tell me
it'll be okay

but I need you
to tell me
it'll be okay

Normally my Demons
hide in the darkness
and they'll come out occasionally
to Laugh at me
and convince me things
I should know aren't True.

But tonight
one has Crept
through my ribcage
and into my fragile chest
putting Pressure against this heart
that isn't strong enough to Fight.

I feel it
an unwanted guest
occupying my body
reaching into my mind
clouding and squeezing
and every piece of me is tense.

And I long
to Break my chest open
to rip out this Demon
and send it away
but I cannot do this
and it Cackles at me
for it knows my limitations.

So I sit
and I Feel
the darkness of my intruder
waiting
for my Lights
to turn back on.

I cup my hand
capture water
pour it over
the little black ant;
it is washed away.

And instantly
my brain
demands
Do you know what
                                     you are guilty of?

I stare at the drain.
The ant is gone.
I am guilty of this.

Who are you
                         to decide
                                          who lives and
                                                             ­       who dies?
What makes you better than an ant?
From his perspective you are just as
Anonymous
and Meaningless
as he looks to you.

Water drips down my back and it is silent
save for the melody of droplets on tile.

What gives you the right to this space?
Why was his mere presence so offensive?
Why are you special?

Is it the ease with which you killed him?
You could do it
                             and so you did it?

*Does your power make you feel strong?

Imagine letting him live
wandering these tiled walls;
Aren't you glad you stopped it?

Sometimes, post ******
you lie in someone's arms
simply because they are comfortable
and you need a moment
before you'll trust your legs to walk away.

Sometimes you will linger
kiss their shoulders
trace little circles with your pinky
out of appreciation,
Thanks for their sounds and the sensations.

But I am drawing fractals on your chest
and studying your eyelashes,
Every few moments
you lean over and we share three tiny, little kisses.
And each time, you feel my smile
so you smile back through the next kiss.
I sneak one extra
on the tip of your nose
because I am glad it is on your face.

And your hand comes up
to rub the skin beneath my ear
I let out a happy humming sound
you return it,
You leave a kiss on my forehead
and I keep making fractals

Who am I today?
Sore muscles, sore heart
Because of exercise
and his brown-gray eyes.
And we don't have the time
for him to be mine
and for us to be we.

     And a piece of me wants to stay
     to test out this spark;
     see if we can light something in the dark.
     Can we use this desire
     to start a forest fire?
     or is it just a match
     the breeze will blow out before we get the chance?

          Do you want to stay ignorant?
          Or do you want to learn?
          Do you wanna try?
               Or are you afraid of the burn?

We've had one night
And the better part of a morning
But already I can feel
That some piece of me is gone
And now it lives with you.

And it is too soon
For me to be yours
But...
I am.

I wonder if you feel
The electricity
From across this city;
I can.

Sometimes I think
it would be so nice
to be a
Ghost.

Because then when I stand
to the side of a group
uninvolved
untalking

It will be normal.

Because what can a ghost do
except for watch others interact?

But now
I am flesh
that hides from other flesh
that avoids social interactions
that whispers
                     when she wants to scream.

I never told you
                              that I loved you
     or about the magnitude of that emotion.

because for the longest time
     you weren't mine
          and then I
               was someone else's.

And now
     my heart doesn't break
     every single time I see you.
     It shatters.

So I carry a hundred shards
     of this shattered heart
          but they cut into my hands

And so desperately I want to show you these wounds
but you wouldn't understand.

Because you know me
in a way I don't think anyone else even could.
But these wounds aren't for the unknown pieces of myself
     they are for the misery
     painted on your eyes.

I'm not stupid, I know I couldn't make you happy.

It's been a ******* year and I still cry
                                                                 because I lost you
                                                                 because I never had you
                                                                 because these shattered shards
                                                                 belong to you

One day the fire between us went out
     and you never told me why.
And now I can't speak to you
                  I can't look at you
     I run away grasping my shards and cry
     for the love I can't tell you about.

What would you even do with my love?
It would be of no use to you.

Something broken
          can be taped or glued or stitched
               back together
                    but once something shatters
                                                                      it is shattered forever.

you don't know me
but you won't speak to me
for whatever reason
          it's been decided
     we aren't friends
     we aren't friendly

Why?

Am I so easy to hate?
     to ignore?

Why am I so easy to not want?

you're laughing with your friends
     and something
          about the sound
               pierces through me
I think you're laughing at me

I don't know why
     but it bothers me

I pretend
     not to care

about what people
     people like you
          think
               about people like me
If there are other people like me

I guess I don't get a chance
to show you that your judgment is wrong

shouldn't I dismiss you as an *******?
     for dismissing me so easily?
          but my heart is aching
               for an answer
                    why
               what I've done

the people here don't like me
but they won't just say it to my face
they'll whisper it to each other
     as I walk past
they'll laugh it through my chest

I am craving being known
     I guess I don't get that option
no one wants
     to know
          me
no one
     wants
          me

and maybe I could sleep tonight
     if at least
          I knew why.

I don't know how to trust
Your handsome good intentions.
To be honest,
     they scare my bones.

You must be patient.
If you come too close
     Hiss.    Scratch.     Run.

I hide in the bush,
while you put out a can of food.
And I will wait
     until you are safely inside
          before I eat it.

You must play this game with me for weeks.
Slowly trick me into trusting you.
Move too fast and I will never come back.
But if you go slowly, one day
     I may eat out of your hand.

I do not claim to be worth the effort.

Sometimes I try to rhyme
When I have free time
To spare on little details
And leaving behind art trails*
Evidence that I exist
That'll last longer than a fist
In the face of the things I hate.
I'm always running late
(A bit of a common trait)

I could dig a hole to change the world,
But what good would that do?
So instead maybe I'll just try
To have a lasting impact on you.

You and I are nonproductive.
There will be no house where we'd live.
We will not be star crossed lovers on a book cover.
There will be no pictures of days spent together.
No rings on our hands
Or ancient rituals with family and friends.
We'll never get a cat or a puppy.
We'll never have a child. We won't even have three.
You and I will never result in a single thing,
No, nothing.
Which seems like a waste
So I decided to
turn us into
a poem.

Sometimes happiness is just a little flower,
Disguised as a ****.
Sometimes I think it is just a hot shower.
Sometimes I think happiness
Lies in a cigarette
And a source of fire:
Either bon or a match or a lighter.
Sometimes I think it is a universe away.
And I think happiness ran off today.

Slightly below my hunger for food
Lives my hunger for you

Sometimes I am the mountain
And nothing can shake me.
I am ancient elegance,
Unchanging;
I never falter.
The wind cannot sway me and neither can you.
But today I am the ocean:
Turmoil taken out on innocent sand,
Motion I have no say in.
The moon commands me and I
I am so weak, I do what it says.
The mountain is strong.
But today, I am the ocean.

Winds blow past and rivers flow,
But they have no influence upon me.
Nothing shakes a mountain.
The moon pushes, so
I stumble.
The moon pulls,
So I fall.
I cannot stop shaking.
At least a leaf on the wind gets to settle
To the ground eventually.
There is no rest for my waters.
The mountain is strong,
But today I am the ocean.

And there are days I know how to speak up
For myself and for others;
Days when I can face anything.
The mountain outlasts ice ages.
But I am trembling.
I am a tsunami and
I want stillness but
I am crashing destruction.
I stumble away
pieces of me left behind
puddles amid tragedy.
The mountain is strong.
But today I am the ocean.