A call, that star-pull
From strange, deep, brilliant unknowns
Infinity stirs

Across the table
Electric, do you feel it?
All I want is you

Fire and red hot
Smoke you down to the filter
Please, won't you burn me?

Green, the dream-giver.
Through thickest smoke: clarity,
creativity.

There's a movie playing in the background
While I scroll through the perfect words
Someone else has figured out
And woven together on a string
A necklace I wish I wore
An anchor to hold me in place
A weight that I've been carrying
But couldn't see
Until they showed me it was there

The scenes in the movie echo my imaginings
For a love I don't own
For a life I only have
In those moments just before I wake
In the seconds when my eyes
Are closed tight

Hot tears break through
No longer floating on a daydream
I crash back to a reality of jagged truths
That only draws more grief
From a place I told my heart
To hide from me

But I chose the movie
And I chose the words
To distract me and tether me
To anything but the thought of you
And what I want
And what I don't have
And what I can't have

Still here I am
Drowning in my loneliness
In a fantasy I should let go of
Before it drags me beneath the violent sea

I'm searching for a way to love you
That honors how I should love myself
Confronted with the distressing thought
That I would lift you above the waves
While I let myself sink deeper

Some part of me screams
That's how it should be
So the salt dries on my cheeks
And the movie keeps playing
And I keep scrolling
Pushing myself away
Forgetting to take a breath

In dreams, I breathe you
Once broken, you make me new
What will we become?

Summer heat abates
Crisp green cracks with autumn rust
Inhale sweet decay

I will use you up.
A lighter is coveted,
but not meant to last.

Smoke across knuckles
You are my private delight
I will breathe you deep

I never loved me
But loved you til I forgot
How to hate myself

I saw myself die
In the way that you want her.
When I thought that I had you,
I was suffocating.
If I stayed and waited
And gave and pretended,
I made believe you would come to me.
But I want to be wanted.
All I was
Was used.
A tool, for now.
But nothing mattered.
She gets your heartache
And she gets your longing,
Your reverence, and sweetness.
I didn't know what I was missing.
I didn't know what was possible
Until I saw you in her arms.
I want to be wanted.
I fell for my own illusions
And let myself think
That right now was enough,
When what I wanted was forever.
What I wanted was a partner.
I wanted to be wanted,
But you didn't want me.

The edge of day meets
with the softly falling night.
We, the first two stars

Full of riches
Full of hearts
Trust, a commodity
So easily traded
For what was never promised
A kiss of death
A millstone carried
For no reward but
My own
Self-destructive
Satisfaction
How deliciously
I cut and seared
My own flesh
Savoring
Each flaying stroke
How beautifully
My body twisted
To fit the tale
I wished were true
With wounds still fresh
From the biting needle
That tattooed the lie
On my desperate
Wanting soul

Do you want me
Would you want me
Will you want me
What would make
You want me
Why don't
You want me
I need you to
Want me