You came to live inside my house,
crossing the threshold that does not say 'Welcome'
You made your bed,
and now you will not wake up

"When will you leave?"

But you don't hear me,
and the sun has gone away.

I had never expected roses
or the tenderness
reserved for
lovers
But I never anticipated
rough hands
that pushed and pulled,
an unwanted pain
deep inside
my body
Hot water not hot enough
to scrub your touch
away
Bruises like hickeys,
i can feel you
pushing
inside
Your hot breath in my ear
asking if I liked it
A broken yes
sounds like a moan
but I’m crying
You think it’s from ecstasy
I’m shaking,
you go faster
thinking I’m having fun
You like it
being bigger than me
being stronger
I’m afraid
your bigger
your stronger
When it was over
you told me I was lucky
“Most girls don’t ****** when they first lose their virginity”
A shaky smile, on my mascara streaked face
skin crawling, my shaking legs
near collapse
Fear
The hot water is cold

There are no words
to describe the way I can feel
so empty
so full
In this one body
It feels like
there is no limit to it all
No limbo
Only free space
for this hole inside of me
To grow

You are safe in my arms,
where my size
is not to harm you,
but to protect the parts
of you that are vulnerable.

“Depression, how long will it be ?”
“𝑼𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚 𝒆𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆, 𝒎𝒚 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆.”
“Where’s Empty?”
“𝑯𝒆’𝒍𝒍 𝒃𝒆 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆.”
“And happiness?”
“𝑫𝒐𝒏’𝒕 𝒂𝒔𝒌 𝒔𝒕𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒅 𝒒𝒖𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔, 𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒍𝒆 𝒐𝒏𝒆.”

And so I found you.
Not where I left you,
but still thinking
of me.

“𝑺𝒐 𝒘𝒉𝒚 𝒅𝒐 𝒊𝒕?”
𝘢 𝘴𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘦 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘻𝘦𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘪𝘱𝘴,
𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘣𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘭𝘺 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘰𝘳𝘯
“Can’t you see?
The smoke is intoxicating.”

How many times
can i write
the exact same thing
In so many words,
before
they mean nothing
at all
The underlying message,
always the same.
I’m losing
the war inside my mind.

And so I found him,
not far away
but right next to me
with open arms.
God
Never abandoned me.
I was the one who left.

And so I undress myself
not for you,
but so I might be more
open for love.

My soul spoke volumes as it cried through my chest.
Nothing would be so pure,
so painful.
Nothing like hearing
the soul speak
after years of silence.
Hurt.
Screaming it begged,
to be set free,
“please, let me go.”

“Perhaps I have left to many pieces of myself in the books i’ve read”
“I have left so much of myself in so many places, in different worlds,
with different people.”
“ I have broken my heart over
and over
with all the endings i have read”

And like rage, your words
boil inside me.

“𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒕𝒄𝒉 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒎𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒔𝒆, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑰 𝒅𝒐𝒏’𝒕 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒐𝒏.”
“I feed my depression with sad songs
and poetry,
so that maybe it will allow me
small moments
where it might sleep inside my chest
where I can be entirely alone.”
The chill of heat in my chest forced an inward sigh.
He was awake, and he craved
to hear the sobs
claw themselves from
me.

And by making an enemy of my body,
I found true peace
In destroying it.

I could feel my fathers gaze as I played with the food on my plate.
𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦, 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘴𝘢𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨.
“Aspen, are you okay?”
The wire in my throat tightened,
rain poured from my eyes.

“𝙀𝙭𝙥𝙡𝙖𝙞𝙣 𝙞𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙢𝙚”
“I trusted my depression so greatly that when it tried to leave, I found reasons for it to stay”

“𝑰’𝒗𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒑𝒐𝒆𝒕𝒓𝒚, 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒉𝒐𝒘 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍?”
“I used to feel that way.”
“𝑨𝒏𝒅 𝒏𝒐𝒘?”
“Nothing.”

This aching
inside
it eats me
Even when there
is nothing left
It eats away at the nothingness
until I am nothing

“ So i cry not out of pain,
but of the emptiness that has found
his home in me”

“You were slain”
    “And all made sense”
“How to live”
“How to see”
“What oxygen to breath”
“The only song my blood sang as it flowed to the floor was
𝑅𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓃𝑔𝑒“
𝘏𝘶𝘳𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘢𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵 𝘶𝘴

And with every broken sound barrier,
glittering lights sprinkle from the sky.
I wonder, how many had died
in a ****** field
listening to a similar melody.
Applause and shouts of delight
bring me back years ahead
to the present time.
The lackluster lights no longer amaze

“And so i eat less,
so that the empty feeling inside me
might have a reason”

“𝑾𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒕, 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒈𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒂𝒚.”
“I guess it’s better to be sad, because maybe you can fix something.”
“But you can’t fix feeling numb, if you can’t
feel anything in the first place.”

𝐒𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐧 𝐞𝐦𝐩𝐭𝐲 𝐩𝐚𝐠𝐞,
𝐦𝐲 𝐬𝐨𝐮𝐥 𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐬 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐟𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐡 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐨𝐧𝐞, 𝐦𝐲 𝐫𝐢𝐛𝐬 𝐚𝐧 𝐨𝐛𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐜𝐥𝐞.
𝐋𝐚𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐭𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐛𝐚𝐫𝐞,
𝐢𝐭 𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐠𝐞𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐮𝐧𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠,
𝐡𝐮𝐧𝐠𝐫𝐲 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐩𝐢𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧.
𝐌𝐲 𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐞𝐝, 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐬𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐬 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐦𝐞.
𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐬,
𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐟𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫,
𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐧 𝐚𝐜𝐜𝐮𝐬𝐚𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐫.
𝐌𝐲 𝐬𝐨𝐮𝐥,
𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐞𝐯𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧.
𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐛𝐫𝐢𝐦𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐞𝐝𝐠𝐞,
𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐟𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐬,
𝐦𝐲 𝐞𝐲𝐞𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐮𝐫.

To feel my heart shatter
in the very center of my chest,
pain so strong
I fall to my knees.
The void, he laughs in my face.  
“no, just this once. let it stay,”
I begged.
Only a second, I felt nothing again.

The tender stroke of death
closed my eyes one final time.
“𝑰’𝒗𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒘𝒂𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖 .”
Blood dripped down the edge of the bath,
my naked body in a sea of red.
“𝘛𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺.”

“𝙄 𝙛𝙚𝙚𝙡 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙄’𝙢 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙖 𝙗𝙪𝙣𝙘𝙝 𝙤𝙛 𝙘𝙤𝙥𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙢𝙚𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙞𝙨𝙢𝙨 𝙙𝙞𝙨𝙜𝙪𝙞𝙨𝙚𝙙 𝙖𝙨 𝙖 𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙤𝙣.”

And to hear you scream
that I’m not the same
to my crumbling
face
Destroys me.

As I listened to his shuddering breath
I wondered
“Would he go in the dark of the night,
Or the light of the day?”
As the pause between each breath
grew larger than the last,
I felt my heart sink
down
down
down