I don't want you to know that I'm going down/
All the words getting stuck in the back of my throat/
My blood turning still and lifeless within my veins/
I chased you without knowing the price to pay/
Oh baby I'm a tormented soul in this world/
It's so hard for me to let go of the stars/
Oh I'm going down in flames today/
Someone give me a reason to stay/

By Arcassin Burnham


Watching the flame burn out quicker than most of the times
When I've seen a lot,
Going back to the times in school when I was an outcast and
The feelings were shot,
I'll put myself on display for enemies and envyers just to see,
I have confidence in myself like all you should have in empathy,
Still searching for a way to get out of this place but its still a
problem now,
too much sweat on my face and brow kinda leaked from depression
and disarray,
distorted vision and constant pacing in a room with a broken face,
Looking to the past,
i'm so glad you should ask how i'm doing every time you gain popularity,
turn around and laugh,
when i would speak to you in a world full of starving kids that don't
do half the things you do,
ignoring is key but later on in life you're gonna need someone to
vent to when your days are through.

/

Sometimes we could all look for love in 72 places at once,
And all the others just wanna criticize and bring you down,
instead of being positive they're blunt,
But they just need a little leg room , a leg room,
to get out this stress they afflict on you,
its hard to be positive i understand too,
by all these little reckless things that we do,
we need a little leg room , leg room;
decisions don't come easy when we choose,
Be around people that'll understand you,
by all the lovely things that you do,

Blinded by the light but it'll teach us,
taunted by the strong knowing that the're really just like us,
living all through the system with your bible in your hand,
but not knowing they're getting ready to judge us,
if this wasn't hard enough,
to gain what we earned in this stuff,
a society that's corrupt,
you would have thought that we were stuck,
you see depression is a given in this world , we can't adjust,
please trust,
and give your time to people that don't sell out or backstab,
we ain't a free people,
guess thats why we just need to laugh,
when was the last time you ever had fun with your dad,
and all the embarrassing things he does and had a great tact,
i don't know why i mentioned that,
But i just need a little leg room , a leg room,
but really this my gift to all of you.

Moon keeps moving

Why not stay still?

Aha

Moving

Movement

Life

For the past two years, I've written parts of this in my mind and it never felt right to put pen to paper until now.
I needed to reach a place of peace and full forgiveness to fully express to you the language of my heart, in a way that would voice transparently true and real.
Whether I ever send this to you or not, it's finally on a tangible form of matter and emptied from my busy mind and heart, making room for more of what matters.
I hope this finds you well.

Written below is life.

The fear, desolation, loss, pain, abandonment, loneliness, sickness, regrets, rejection and utter disbelief, became a platform for growth.
Stretching my mind and heart to endure more than I thought I could handle and the belief that I could possibly die from a heartbreak, built me.
You've missed out on beauty.
Watching Gavin grow from the daily tears of losing his pawpaw and wondering when you were going to come back, to the occasional question about his past and he's grown into already completing multiplication equations at the age of 6. He aspires to be a paleontologist and travel the world, with a map tacked large across his bedroom wall, nestled in our home, the one that overflows with unconditional love. That allows breakdowns to happen, because we've all been there. He's come from daily tears to hilarious mannerisms and has a personality that every person, from his barber to his Taekwondo instructor, have fallen in love with. He still wakes up to silly songs every morning and is known as Best Buddy because he's the best boy that's ever lived. He knows he  is loved, despite the small ache that I know still gnaws at his tender heart from time to time and I've built a community of strength around him to assure him that he's safe.
Emily has grown into a strong beautiful almost woman. She's already chosen a career path and she strives daily to achieve small goals in order to reach the large ones. Mapping out her sophomore and junior year to be completed in one with home studies, and I'm amazed at her drivenness. She is kind, sincere, forgiving, understanding, smart and wonderfully gracious and thoughtful. She battled with severe anxiety after losing our home and went through months of cognitive therapy and medications to help her sleep. To now having voluntarily stopping the therapy, weening off of the medication, working out daily, eating healthy and taking on multiple babysitting jobs. This life pain has taught her that people make mistakes, that nothing in life is certain and to cling to your family tight because it's all that matters.
Kaitlyn still has her peculiar Ramona Quimby mischievous traits and never fails to ask the same mind boggling questions at the most in-opportune times. She's as tall as Emma and is drop dead beautiful. Her grades are exceptional and she's passionate about fitness and loves her friends. She was one of three 6th graders to make the competitive cheer team at her school, that cut 15 girls at tryouts.
What I Love most about her is her genuine thankfulness. Every time I check out a register at the grocery store or buy her things as simple as a toothbrush, she expresses gratitude like no one I've ever known.

The sleepless nights spent tossing and turning crying myself to sleep, replaying the story over and over in my head, have now turned to bright beautiful mornings.

I wake up to a person that makes it his daily goal to remind me that I matter & that I'm loved.
He's endured the tears flooded that followed with anxiety drenched vomiting, held me and told me that I'm the most beautiful, even in those states.
He's made me laugh from deep down in the belly, accepted all of my flaws and encouraged me like, never before.
He hides notes throughout the house and in my personal belongings so that I'll read them. In hopes that the words he's written will sink into my subconscious, the same way that the ink sunk into the paper and I'll finally believe my worth.

So, thank you.
For pushing me out.
For giving me the opportunity to see even more immense beauty in my children, forcing my heart to become bold and strong and giving me the die or fight strength to blossom into the Fierce woman that I've become.
I needed to prove you wrong when you spoke words of death over my life, "you're children will never amount to anything, because they have you as a mother".
Every new friend that I meet and families we befriend, are in awe of my relationship with my children and always congratulate me on having raised them into kind respectful people.
Thank you, for shaking my life so heavily that I was able to really know who God is, more deeply than ever. Forgiveness became a whole new meaning to me and my kids watched as all of the pieces healed and they've been able to heal right along side of me. Loving flawed and leading with love has become a staple of our home and lives and this learned trait will be inherent within them for the remainder of their lives. So once again, thank you.
I am where I'm supposed to be.
It's not unfinished business.
The pain is almost fully healed and I'm grateful to have experienced the pain and loss.
So that I can grasp what's at hand whole heartedly.
The sun still continues to rise, as you used to say and the morning fog lifting daily stripped the hardness from my heart.
You came into my life for a reason and a season and I wish you nothing but prosperity, love and happiness. Best wishes on the remainder of your life journey and I hope you have found peace, love and all of the wonderful joys that God freely gives.
Farewell.

Sincerely,

Natasha Ivory Evans