He has her within his grasp
his grip growing stronger
making it hard to breathe now.
His fingers grow like vines
and intertwine with each other,
making her escape impossible.
His eyes are red and glowing
his tongue split like a snake
with muscles bulging with strength.
How will she escape this Demon
his clutch is mighty and strong
she needs to run before her death.
His only desire is her soul
he shall **** it from her chest
and leave behind a barren shell.

Marks on skin
letting him win
trying to escape
deaths is her fate

Marks on skin
watch the Devil grin
want to feel better
words in a letter

Marks on skin
patience wearing thin
running out of hope
trying hard to cope

Marks on skin
where has love been
giving up now
breaking every vow

We all float here
but I’m alone my dear
Stranded on this silver moon
waiting for someone to swoon

We all float here
where there’s no cheer
Stranded on this silver moon
waiting here since last June

We all float here
where the sky is clear
Stranded on this silver moon
to the stars I’ve become immune

We all float here
yet I’m alone with a single tear
Stranded on this silver moon
my only friend is this red balloon

She lays broken again
with word of another lost friend
the Devil had become too strong
even though her friend gave their all

She wonders what will become of her
if she continues down the path she deserves
will she meet the Devil’s smile
or be allowed to stay a while

If she does arrive alone
will she regret the path she chose
or will she feel like she is free
inside of the Devil’s scream

Dear Grandma

I dreamed of you last night.
You were right there
Talking to me about decorations
and how the turkey wasn’t right.
I heard your voice
it was the same as it’d always been
my only regret is that I didn’t reach out
and hug you, holding on as long as I could.

I wish you were all that was in my dream.
The rest of it has me angry
because there were people causing such ruckus
and they just didn’t understand and wouldn’t leave us be.

When I woke from my dream
of course you were gone.
And so was your voice from my head.
I wished only to cry but the tears are stuck behind this wall I’ve built.
So I dialed your phone
to listen to you voice message.
You’re so sweet, wishing God to bless all.

Oh Grandma what I’d give
for one more hug from you.
Even if it’s in a dream, I long for your embrace.
So I set my alarm back a bit
wondering how late I’ll be.
Trying to go back
and see you in my dream.

If I keep holding out
will your presence come through?
It’s been so long
yet I still remain true
I’ve been wishing out the days
for you, to come back

I have planned out
every word I’d say to you
but I’m afraid
you’ve turned too cold and blue
I’ve been wishing out the days
but I’ve lost you anyway
Oh wherever you are
please, come back

These long days, seem to drone on
Every night, I keep waiting for
the possibility to talk to you in my dreams
sometimes you’re there but you’re mad at me
come the morning I wish to bring you back to me
But it’ll be ok

If I don’t fall apart
I hope my memories stay clear
I know you had to go
but I wish you to stay here
So from wherever you are
won’t you, come back

When I open, emotion spills
so much coming through my quill
yet nobody seems to understand
unless the lives it first hand

When I open, truth comes out
I yell, I scream, and I shout
still nobody understands
because I’m the one who lived it first hand

When I open, I feel vulnerable
spilling out to others all that’s raw
but I’m still not understood
putting on these pages, my childhood

When I open, I wish to be heard
I promise that these words aren’t slurred
and yet I’m not understood
would you hear me if you could?

Twisting and churning
the thoughts in my head,
swirling faster now
I’m afraid I’ll end up dead.
Faster and faster
they keep spinning round,
like a giant twister
about to touch the ground.
Once it makes landfall
the havoc that it wrecks,
I can fee the pain
extend into my neck.
Racing thoughts are
chasing after me,
maybe one day
I can be free.

What’s the point of writing this
nobody seems to care
I could spike my soul right now
but nobody would be there

My work is short and childish
there is no depth you’d say
but you can’t see the tears
that have dried on this page

I only wish to heal these wounds
and know someone can relate
I’m so tired of being full
of sadness, anxiety and hate

So if you happen across my words
and you’re also feeing blue
just know you’re not alone
I feel the darkness too

Waken up again
from a nightmare of sin
can’t shake these feelings that you bring
or the evil song you sing
trying so hard to heal
but I’m wrapped up in the Devil’s deal

Sleeping so peacefully
with happy dreams I do believe
every breath is calm and pure
dreaming of happiness I’m sure
you’ve already paid your dues
now your dreams are peaceful and true

What if I’m being judged
by the ones I say I love
Can’t they see I’m trying to heal
and working on being real
Can’t they see I’m trying hard
to heal everything that’s scarred
Moving forward is no joke
I meant every word that I spoke
But this is the end of our journey
you’re no longer good for me
Know I’ll be there if you call
but I’m afraid that is all
Because you were never there for me
left me hanging from my tree
Never there when I needed you most
instead you decided to turn ghost
So I am now moving on
this is the only way to be strong
Putting up my own boundaries
stone cold walls if you please
It didn’t have to be this way
I really wish that I could stay
But it’s time to take care of me
in hopes that one day I will be free

Each snowflake silently falls
just like each thought, one comes
then another
Quicker now they come
as if a flurry
swarming around my head
until finally they fall
Each one is unique
none like the other
sparkling in the light
each one’s a gem
I try to cherish them all
even the sad and broken ones
because without broken
you won’t know happy
How could these silent snowflakes
not bring happiness
The sound of peace and zen
I try to remember this
next time my head swarms
with flurries of snowflake thoughts

Blade on the sink
Razor through the speakers
swore she was done this time
but this makes her feel better

Pant leg rolled up
socks taken off
cold metal touches skin
it’s time for liftoff

One drag across her ankle
four more to even the score
this type of pain
it hits her at the core

A deep breath as beads form
they gather then roll off
the release she gets from these cuts
certainly will payoff

The song comes to an end
and the bleeding stops
this was so much better
than wasting salty teardrops

Legs aching from
nightmares last night
really can’t stand
continuing this fight

Head pounding and swirling
thoughts won’t sit still
really not sure how
I get these words out of my quill

Exhausted and just want to
stay laying down
face always seems
stuck in a frown

Obsessed over thoughts
of hurting myself
want to put my head
in a noose or the blade off the shelf

But really just want
to live without
all of these feelings
and the unfathomable doubt

Disaster in its gravest form
I wish only to be reborn
give me something to hold
I wish only to be bold

The world has turned dark and grey
someone please take these demons away
my mind is now a shattered mess
someone please take away this stress

I cannot feel anything but pain
I wish only to cry in the rain
I feel the world has cast me out
I wish only to be free from this drought

Someone save me before I leave
I’ve lost the will and way to grieve
now I’m spread out on my lawn
I’ve lost the will and way to go on

Anxiety coursing through my veins
every inch of my body shakes
I cannot take the way it feels
or the ache I feel in my legs

I have a brick on my chest
making it so hard to breathe
gasping for air, someone help
lift the brick off of me

I can’t drink coffee
although I love it’s taste
my heart races and
it makes my hands shake

Going out is a joke
I don’t want to be around
anyone who could judge
the way my anxiety makes me look

It doesn’t stop
not even for a moment
constantly vibrating
and muscles tense as hell

I wish this monster would
just let me be
I need a moment to breathe
and be me again

A beautiful summers day
and the bees have come out to play
pollinating big sun flowers
dancing around them for hours

They stop here and there to have a snack
when they’re done, to the Queen they take back
all that they’ve worked hard for
then they head back for more

For a worker bee is never done
working hard out in the sun
once the moon comes at the end of the day
until tomorrow their work must delay

And then with the sun rising, so does the bee
buzzing in and out of flowers, so busily
with his cute little **** and pollen covered nose
a worker bee’s work is never done, everyone knows

The beast caused insanity
of course this wasn’t anything new to me
we’d been friends for eternity
living life uncomfortably

I asked him once to let me be
he laughed and just smiled at me
from that moment I knew I’d never be free
and that’s when it started; insanity

Hanging here I say goodbye
to all in life I’ve ruined
I tried so hard I promise you
I beckoned and I bargained

But life continued to be cruel
and everything I touched
crumbled and went away
now I’m within the Devil’s clutch

This is the only way out you see
I must put this misery to rest
please remember that
I tried my very best

So goodbye to friends
who were always there
I know you’ll think
this isn’t fair

Goodbye my partner
who’s been by my side
this isn’t your fault
I know you tried

Most of all my son
I love you so
Mommy’s so sorry
she had to go

The noose gets tighter
I’m running out of breath
goodbye cruel world
you pushed me to my death

Drifting off now
the world disappears
I’m no longer suffering
or stuck in my fears

Feeling weightless
or feeing nothing at all?
Drift away from my body
everything seems small

I don’t care
which gates I arrive
I’m just glad
I’m no longer alive

Grandma's bows were over the top
so shiny and spectacular
she put them on every gift
it was special, it was her

Now Grandma's gone
and I miss those bows
sparkling underneath her tree
if we'll have Christmas, no one knows

I try to make them myself
I'm trying to preserve her memory
it's not the same without her here
did Grandpa even put up the tree?

*******, and you, and you
I hate myself and they hate me too
I'm through, I'm through, I'm though
This that low girl ****** anthem
We turn up, say **** the ransom

This that low girl ****** anthem
We turn up, say **** the ransom
This that no more Gucci tag
this low girl is a phantom
This that dream of suicide
That demon at your bedside
I swear I hat it man
But what do I do ever night

That drown in your own music
Just to stay away from the clique
All my friends are getting boring
They're all dumb, yeah they go stupid
This that sitting in my jammies just so I can be secluded
This poem ain't diluted
One more line, I'm feeling broken

*******, and you, and you
I hate myself and they hate me too
I'm through, I'm through, I'm though
This that low girl ****** anthem
We turn up, say **** the ransom

This that low girl ****** two-step
They can't short me, got nothing left
This that drown me in the ocean
They don't care, I've been no fun
Out of care and self-aware
Yeah, that's my slogan
This that "Anyone there"?
I'm the emo chick whos broken

This that drown in your own music
Just to stay away from the clique
All my friends are getting boring
They're all dumb, yeah they go stupid
This that sitting in my jammies just so I can be secluded
This poem ain't diluted
One more line, I'm feeling broken

*******, and you, and you
I hate myself and they hate me too
I'm through, I'm through, I'm though
This that low girl ****** anthem
We turn up, say **** the ransom

This that drown in your own music
Just to stay away from the clique
All my friends are getting boring
They're all dumb, yeah they go stupid
This that drown in your own music
Just to stay away from the clique
All my friends are getting boring
They're all dumb, yeah they go stupid
They go stupid, they go stupid, they go-
And you expect me to change? *******!

*******, and you, and you
I hate myself and they hate me too
I'm through, I'm through, I'm though
This that low girl ****** anthem
We turn up, say **** the ransom
*******, and you, and you
I hate myself and they hate me too
I'm through, I'm through, I'm though
This that low girl ****** anthem
We turn up, say **** the ransom

She only wanted some peace
traded her brother to the King
he's in love with her but she does not see
all he really wants is another goblin to sing

She begs him to let go of control
but he has them both in his hold
to complete his tasks she must not dare
he's never had anyone be so bold

He tries to make her fall in love
as the world falls down around their ball
a masquerade that is too profound
she must break through these walls

She tries to solve this labyrinth she's in
twisting and turning she will never win
but her brother she must get back
giving him up was the gravest sin

As she finally reaches her task
and finds the baby she's been after
no more power does the King have
wake up the next day, it all is a blur

Good, but better is better

Pretending comes easy
just ask anyone around
they’ll tell you that I’m happy
when I’m stuck on the ground

A smile to keep them from asking
why the tears continue to roll
never let them know that
my heart they have stole

Used to be so social
now the words don’t come
hide myself in this bottle
pores oozing stench of ***

Pretending comes easy
think I’m happy when I’m not
this is truely torture
in loneliness I will rot

For everyone else Christmas is fun
for me it only brings up bad memories
of when I was a child and learned
for the first time to fight the enemy

It doesn’t bring joy, I don’t like to sing
I dread making cookies and all other things
I wish I had something to hold on to
but I hate Christmas and all that it brings

So nix all the caroling and please
get rid of all those sparkling lights
push Santa down the chimney
I need some silent nights

Standing at the edge of the sea
she dreamed one day to be free

Free like the moon beaming above
flying high as if a dove

Doves of love is all she wants
but memories still they haunt

Haunting her she’s been mistrewn
instead she stares at the silver moon

Moon of Wonder and freedom
beneath it her wings will blossom

Blossom now she can be free
and fly above the peaceful sea

Another lonely day at home
head telling me no one cares
feeling so empty inside
sending out SOS flares

I could take this blade
and take it to my skin
escape, but short-lived
letting the monster win

A noose around my neck
would end all my worries
things my head tells me
to get done in a hurry

So I take out my trusty journal
writing another poem that’s sad
relief comes, at least a little
but anything now will make me glad

Goodbye ****** high
I’ve gotten rid of you
flushed down the toilet
now I’m feeling *******

There’s one left at the bottom
white pill just sitting there
and it’s laughing at me
with it’s mocking stare

I know why I did it
my reasons were just
keeping my sobriety
is a #1 must

So why am I sad
what’s this anger I feel
where can I go
to file my appeal?

Give another flush
the **** thing won’t go down
tried to rid myself of temptation
now I watch it drown

I don’t regret my actions
just wish they were all gone
is this life’s way
of telling me I was wrong?

Temptation staring me in the face
little white pills begging to be ate
dancing around in my head
wondering if I’ll take the bait

Alcohol in solid form
addicted to escaping the world
if I took them guilt would come
nothing to take back, even if I hurled

Still so tempting to have a bite
to get rid of them seems such a waste
if I do I know one thing
this test I will have aced

So just stay strong and stay away
get rid of dancing pills in my head
flush them down and you’ll see
my sobriety is not dead

I’m terrified of who I’ll be
if I just let go and set my feelings free
who am I without this hurt
will this be for nothing, all the effort I exert?

I’m so scared to be happy, never been here before
love was always hiding behind closed doors
now I push it away, trying to protect myself
remembering the little girl that’s sitting on my shelf

I’m afraid to try and move forward
thoughts of happiness are too absurd
find comfort in my familiar pain
tied down to it as if by a chain

I’m fearful that once I do let go
and just let all my feelings show
the good will leave and love’ll be lost
surely a line somewhere I’ve crossed

They say I am healing
but that’s scary to me
never been down this road
never have I seen these trees

They say I am healing
not sure if this is so
I still have bad days
And hit ultimate lows

They say I am healing
I’m terrified to see
the person coming out of this
will she still be me?

They say I am healing
I hope this is true
I need to feel something
other than feeling blue

Racing, racing
why won’t you slow down
I have them so much
I’m sure to drown

Here’s one
now there it goes
make room for another
how long it’ll stay, no one knows

I wish they were pretty
I wish I could say they’re good
mostly they’re on ending things
and my ugly childhood

It makes my head hurt
trying to focus is a chore
all I can think about
is how I was a young *****

They keep racing and racing
these thoughts that I have
some call it bipolar
I just call it bad

No one wants to be here
they’d all rather be
at home with their own dinner
or maybe setting up the tree

The turkey has gone dry
the stuffing’s burnt and crispy
Aunt Tully’s drunk and slurring
to avoid her daughters hissy

The gravy’s congealed and cold
just like Uncle Sam’s heart
Sally knew she shouldn’t have come
this was a disaster from the start

Words across the table
like bombs and laser beams
let’s hope the littles
have no idea what they mean

Thanksgiving is a disaster
it’s like a raging war
better prepare for Christmas
if you make it that far

If I were to change my name
I’d no longer be who I am
then what’s my writing worth
and do I even give a ****

I’ve changed myself before
it never seems to work out
past days always ending in
guilt, shame, and doubt

But I don’t doubt now
that I need to stay the same
sharing my truth and story
until freedom is what came

Oh how I dream to be free
but you just won't let me be
if I could, I would flee
but I'm stuck feeling achy

Oh how I dream you'll let me go
these things happened as you know
your lies hurt me and make me low
please won't you just let me grow

Oh how I dream one day I'll be ok
no longer will I have to be afraid
happiness comes, putting down my blade
forgiving the ways I was betrayed

Crisp white sheets
fall into routine
no more "sweets"
they must wean

in the psychiatric ward

My hero wears no cape
there is no signal to call her near
somehow she always knows
when it is that I need her here

Her hugs are magic
fighting off my bad guys
never does she ask me
to come down from my highs

By day she’s working hard
along side her coworkers
never would they know that
she holds all of my anchors

My super hero looks normal
but she only looks normal to you
to me she is perfect and my everything
she truly deserves her debut

It’s happening again
trapped by his weight
laying on the couch
my body fills with hate

He has no care for
the little girl he’s tearing apart
the feelings he brings to her
and how he darkens her heart

I’m terrified of him
never knowing how far he’ll go
shaking, here comes ****** of sin
I’ve never been so low

He never stops using me
I must learn to escape
put myself in another place
learn to focus and admire the landscape

And when he is done
and he leaves me alone
I remind myself I won
and I did it on my own

She wishes only to be free
escaping from her enemy
but storm clouds roll and follow her
she wonders if they’ll ever let her be

Ocean roaring load and fierce
against the low plane it may pierce
but her attitude will stay strong
just like her red hair, striking and fierce

One day she knows she will get away
darkness surrounding her doesn’t have to stay
she just keeps moving on
and working hard for the day

Pour me a cup of tea
a piping hot cup of dreams
sweet chamomile please
sip gently as it steams

Drift gently into Wonderland
where Alice can enjoy company of her friends
here there’s more tea and
the fun never seems to end

Pour me a cup of dreams
so I can meet Peeter Pan
flying high above the clouds
feels like I’ll never land

Or maybe slip under the sea
and swim with Ariel and the fishies
here I am weightless underneath
this big blue ocean that sets me free

Why do you always bring me
these awful feelings of guilt and shame
I’m trying to let go of
all the past regret and blame

This time you’re only out of love
this is intimacy at its best
but instead of happiness
afterwards I am stressed

It’s far from my partner’s fault
but I’m so afraid to talk to her
because my perpetrator’s face
is all I can think of after

You ruin me for days
even though you’re something I want
my first ****** is
something that will always haunt

Crimson rolling down her leg
another day she tried to escape
but the demons, they just beg
must go deeper to run from ****

I sat there with drink in hand
wondering what I was doing with my life
how could I expect things to change
or to ever make this woman my wife?

Next day I walked into a room
full of people I did not know
but as soon as they told their stories
it was as if I started to glow

"Keep coming back," they said
and so that's exactly what I did
they help me one day at a time
as this addiction, I try to rid

9 months I've gone now
without having poured a drink
all the things they've taught me
it really makes you stop and think

So trust in this new beginning
and the direction I'm heading in
for in these rooms I've found myself
and developed brand new kin

I love you
you know this is true
nobody can stop me
from being with you

They can cast their ***** looks
or try to write their laws
but nothing will stop me
from loving all your flaws

Parades and special bars
just aren't enough
I still can see through
and call the world's bluff

But I won't let that matter
like they say, "love is love."
For you my dear lady
I will go far and above

Hate can't stop us
they'll never tear us apart
what we have is rare
and comes straight from the heart

I used to wake up each day
and head straight for the bottle
now I hit my knees and say
thank you for keeping me able

No more blackouts and
no more drunken fights
instead, I get to remember
each and every night

Thank you for my willingness
Thank you for setting me free
Thank you for giving me purpose
Thank you for my sobriety

Don't even think about getting to me
my walls are up
Don't even think about saying hi
can't hear gossip
I did, what I had to do, you know the reason
and it was you

Don't even think about crying to me
I won't listen, won't listen
Oh I got scars all over my arms
one for each day, you tore me apart
I did, what I had to do, you know the reason
and it was you

Footsteps down the hall, it was you, you
Heaviness in my chest, it was you, it was you

I did, what I had to do, you know the reason
Yeah you know all the reasons oh
And if there's something you'd like to prove
then just let me continue to blame you

Footsteps down the hall, it was you, you
Heaviness in my chest, it was you, you...

It takes 9 months to make a baby
but in my 9 months, I've made something else
with all of the odds stacked against me
I've managed to make something of myself

I've made new friendships in place of
the ones I realize are no good for me
opened up my eyes for I was blind
but now there are many things to see

I've made strides towards healing
both my mind and my weary soul
a part of my every day now
I've taken on an entirely different roll

I've lost someone who was my everything
but still got through without a drink
it feels like just yesterday
looking back, time passes in a blink

I've dealt with stress so unimaginable
and spent time in a psychiatric ward
never once when I got out
a drink had I poured

I've been working my steps
I even pray to a Higher Power
although I'll admit that
in the beginning, I was sour

But that has changed as now
I have learned how to be willing
I never knew what feelings
these meetings could bring

Feelings of comfort and belonging
sometimes even happiness and joy
no longer do I need to use
the bottle as a decoy

To walk into a room of people
and know this is where I'm supposed to be
is the most magical feeling
it's so important to me

No bottle could ever convince me
to give that up for only a moment
of numbness and escape that doesn't last
no, the only route must be to confront

I gave up that life 9 months ago
looking back I am so glad I did
I'm healthier now than I was before
and I have a happier kid

9 months to make a baby
9 months of hard work
sobriety put into action
feels like fireworks