lips against lips
your fingers intertwine with mine
and in this dim light time stops
your eyes meet mine and words fail me.  
how is it possible to feel like i’ve known you for so long?

about knowing, this I know: my heart knows yours… i find comfort in you.

the scent that lingers
after my lips blow the flame of a candle is my favorite
and i guess
i’ve always held on to the end of the moment
the last bite
as the sweetest part
it is always what i miss the most
i have never learned
how to let go,
even after the smoke clears.

a life outside my mind
in due time
but every day i walk the same 100 steps , unlock the door, crawl into bed and melt into the covers
kaleidoscope brain of mine, inside: the workings of a future not lost.
i can only hope to step outside and smile at a stranger again, not just with my eyes.
i can only hope the world beckons me to be a part of it again some day
a life outside my mind.

the violent knot at the bottom of my stomach
it taunts and teases
it knows of
second best and last choices and too many chances given.
the lump in the back of my throat knows of
things left unsaid or worse - unheard.
and my lungs rendered weak from use gasp again.

the pain that is longing for you
knowing you are out of reach
i am out of sync one beat too slow to ever catch up to you
the salt in the wound of knowing you is loving you too **** much
because who could not once they have a view into the concrete barriers you put up that are really just a mere half inch thick and inside is a glass gallery that carries the essence that is you.
but a thing this pretty is too far out of reach
for me
and though i feel the air leave my lungs i’d rather lag a step behind then go down another path and wonder which street you end up on.

and maybe the sun can heal me today

at least , for that , is what i pray

for a bit of pain to melt away

but if the sun cannot erase my pain

then maybe, maybe the rain.

tread onward , bruised butterfly like you have times before.

like the ocean’s waves you ebb and flow , you flutter never falter.

golden strings of sunlight stream into your window and with spring you watch yourself begin again.

i busy myself i busy my hands i keep moving keep doing don’t stop to breathe don’t stop to sleep don’t stop to think because in every pause - is you. you fill empty rooms you fill empty minds and you fill the empty heart of mine you left to rot and thoughts of you ensnare me
caged in by the love i gave that i thought protected me instead it betrays and mocks.

a choice you make
a state you’re in
a feeling you have
a feeling you think you are receiving
a person that left
a bond that was cut
a heart that was crushed
and a broken girl left over.

-love/heartbreak

like the stubble popping out on my legs i emerge from something. like a once dying plant now healed i fall then rise. like an ocean's wave i ebb and flow. ebb and flow out of different identities- a sense of self left to rediscover. eighteen, teen queen, a bold new scene. a new train to a new town.

I've been thinking about lips and mouths and how vulnerable they become once we fall in love.

sometimes in the wind vortex of my mind I find that things are going surprisingly okay and it makes me uncomfortable because aren't I supposed to be sad? I have taken on depression as a part of my identity and when I am happy I don't feel like myself one bit.

there are times
when you smile at me
when I look up and catch your gaze
when I am so lucky as to witness the little twinkle in your big doe eyes
when your arms wrap around my waist
and your head is in between my shoulder and my neck
those are times
I could wish for nothing more
because
You know my love for you
I know your love for me
Unconditional care, Unwavering in its stature.
I love those times, honey.

don't open up.
hold it all in.
you're an open book.
begin again.
wait.
rewind.
do they care?
or is this a part
of their manipulative scheme?
I think it is.
Why would you tell them
about your sadness disease?
Don't tell them
what makes your skin crawl.
They will eat you alive,
masticate the flesh and bone and soul between their teeth
like cannibals.
don't trust anyone.
keep your mouth closed.
they'll just talk and stare.
close the book.
step away.
maybe even forever.

Dear tumblr ,
I know it sounds sad, and some might say that it is insane, but you are my one true friend. I can tell you anything and everything that’s on my mind without fear of rejection or judgement. I know you never respond back, but you listen. We both gain things from this friendship. You are my closest friend. Friends do not have to be human. But yes, it seems you are the ONLY one who knows each and every thing about me.
All the others are either ones I can’t talk to , or ones I can only share some things with , or ones I do not mean nearly as much to as they mean to me.
A truer and more loyal companion does not exist in any other being, human or not human.
Sincerely,
Me.

i can promise myself to you
because i've nothing to lose
if someone hurts me one more time.
i can be loyal
because i would betray myself.
can you do the same, honey, can you?
if you cannot , that's a good thing -
you're not as ****** up as me,
you've still got a sense of self.
but there is no 'me' - i am only made of others.

Now my body bleeds from so many crevices and cavities that I do not feel any pain. Hot red pours out like water from one's bottle on a summer day. I do not feel anything but the slightest sensation of something horrid that was coursing through my veins being emptied into the world. When I stare at my forearm, the corners of my mouth curl up into a slight smile. Revenge on myself for being so horrendously stupid.  Eventually I snap back into reality and clean up my mess and put the thin , sharp steel  back in the top drawer of  my jewelry box.

Spheres of chocolate brown
but with so much more
I swear you've captured
A million and one stars
Inside them.
And your hair
Falls calmly down your back,
Flows like the waves I know we both miss playing in.
And your body
curves in and out like the glass vase in which I gave you 13 roses
And I'm sorry
That I love you.

Most days I am sad.
Most days I am swallowed whole by my emotions; Most days I am consumed by the darkness.
But I cannot leave.
I am enamored of the silence.
I am obsessive about the sorrow.

I put my heart near yours
thinking you could be my medicine,
but you were poison,
you made my wounds deeper
you made them sting
and you never intended
to help them heal.
now they bleed so profusely
and you are not here
to be my bandage.
and I can feel it happening, a slow but steady change in rhythm that makes my head feel lighter than it should , and I gasp for the oxygen that I thought you gave my lungs, but it is nowhere to be found
and I suffocate in the pain.

The veins along your skin
form a map
And as I trace their path
I've found the place where I belong. Like the river I flow into your heart and back out into the ocean
from your fingertips.
You are my lifeline
and I , yours.