gravity is obssessed
with pulling everyone down.

may it be to hurt others
by letting them fall in and out of love.

or to see them never get up again.

hey, can you
          hear the whispers of love
    from above?

(two babies
born to perfect parents.)

their eyes light up
when they see her.
they doll her up,
spoil her (but, of course, not too much)
and work hard
only for her.

on weekends,
they play around,
have picnics,
and maybe do some sightseeing.

at home,
the three of them eat dinner
happily,
without a care in the world.
they talk about her studies,
her interests,
her clubs,
and her love.
the father pouts,
not wanting his daughter to be snatched away from him.
the mother laughs,
elbowing the father and encouraging their daughter.

such a happy, little family.

(goodbye.)

she hums,
gracefully weaving,
effortlessly sewing.

scarlet hair cascades up to her back.
her lazy, brown eyes--sharp.
she's wearing a crimson dress
with horrible frills
and stuffy fabric.

she dances across the room,
and sings sinfully.

she inserts the red thread of fate
into the eye of the needle.
she knots it,
and sews.

she laughs,
as she hears shrieks.
a beautiful instrumental to her humming!

("What wonderful instruments you are.")

she mournfully shakes her head,
seeing looks of disdain and horror
directed at her.

her girls needed to look their best after all--
she even made the effort to help them too.
how ungrateful!

(sew their mouths shut.
she does just that.)

she bursts into a gleeful chorus.

(before their consciousness faded away,
they curse the inescapable thread
that caught them
and entangled them with the countess.)

it's almost two in the morning.
i toss and turn,
roll around--
nothing.

sighing, i sit up,
and think to myself,
"This hasn't happened in a while."

my mind automatically goes back to that time,
when i was younger,
and our family went to the capital.
slept in some fancy hotel
with some fancy people
with their fancy clothes.

on the second night we stayed there,
i couldn't get a wink of sleep.
i don't know whether if it was because of exhaustion
or something else.

naturally,
the next morning was hell.
i was pissy and bored
as we waited for father in the lobby.
i couldn't take a nap in public because, well,
i had my pride, of course!

chewing a gum quite aggressively,
i observed my surroundings.
my gaze hopped from one person to another.
a royal from a country i haven't even heard of.
an important figure in politics.
a celebrity.
a kid.

white blonde hair?

i haven't seen hair of that shade.
it was quite unnatural here.
i whipped my head to the left and saw
two beautiful people.

the taller was around my age.
he had the same mop of hair as the kid i saw (the shorter).
the child, on the other hand,
was most probably no older than six.
they were both awesome.

the light glowed on their figures,
and it looked like they were godsend.

i haven't seen anything more beautiful.

and who knew that who knows how many years later,
i would find myself looking back on that vivid memory.

as if it had happened yesterday.

(i feel like i'm still stuck in that time.)

don't treat them like they're rocks:
they can stand strong, but they need support too.

don't treat them like that forgotten garbage bag near your backyard:
they do not reek, and they are beautiful, indisposable.

NO! don't treat them like fragile flowers either, but rather:
treat them like humans who have been hurt, who dislike pain as much as the next person, and who need and want respect.

consume us,
oh, pools of darkness around.
your bottomless ponds
look back at us,
don't they?

let us climb up your nest,
and sew your threads.
your golden crown
will never waver,
your highness.

use us,
destroy us,
make us your puppets, materials, playthings,
anything.

we are yours.

gray.

black.

white.

his friends are gray.
his family is black.
the sky is white.

he feels like he's going insane,
running and pushing through the crowds
because why were the colors escaping him?

does he have to live through this boring, mundane and colorless earth?

he pants,
trying to catch his breath.
his surroundings, full of grays and blacks.

("Why is everything so black and white and gray and black and gray and white?")

he puts a smile on his face instead,
gathers around his friends.

he thinks he sees yellow.
but his sight keeps on betraying him.

he tries living in a banal, monochromatic world.

but.

he picks up a razor,
not heeding the warning:
Curiosity killed the cat.

(at least red was so much more beautiful than black and white and gray and black and gray and white.)

his eyes glare at the paper, forcing it to budge.
nothing changes as it blinks back, seemingly mocking him.

he wants to escape the reality.

("What reality...? This is reality, so shut up!")

he sneers at the result he got and scrolls through the rankings.

he turns blue.

neither good, nor bad.

average.

("I ain't just average, shut your **** trap!")

he sees his friends above him,
seemingly laughing at him.

("What a bunch of idiots.")

his nose twitches,
and he becomes green.

he looks back.

and sees red.

and fades to black.

i giggle at a friend's joke
and wave goodbye to them.
i walk by the streets, kicking rocks
and thinking of dumb old things.

i open the door to the house,
and i am almost used to the sharp, berating voices inside.

i shut them out,
and lay exhausted on my bed.

putting an arm over my eyes,
i rest.

and wake up to them,
looking at me with horrified eyes.
my room is a mess--
a beheaded stuffed bear,
broken ceramics,
crushed scissors,
a butcher knife in my hand,
and warm, crimson fluid streaming down my arm.

what happened, i wonder?

why
do people
yearn
for answers
when
living simply
is so much better

(being happy
like this
is definitely
so much better.)

she was a fierce girl:
her wild, red hair stood out among the rest
her hazel eyes sparkled despite the angsts.

she worked hard, refusing to sell herself,
even if his deadline was nearing.

(she promised him.)

her hope and naivety were smashed into pieces
as she slowly ran out of time.

(his time.)

without his knowledge,
she degraded herself.

("As long as it's for you, this pain doesn't hurt me.")

her health deteriorated
as his became better.

curled up in a corner, naked and bare,
she counted the money she earned.

and smiled.



he was a plain boy:
his brown hair wouldn't stay flat
his blue eyes, dull.

he thought of others before of himself
and that's why she fell in love.

(it was the same for him too.)

he collapsed one day,
pain spreading on his chest.

(he knew that that was it.)

he tried denying her support,
but her earnest eyes refused to let him.

("Laughing with you by my side—I'll be fine with just this.")

he slowly became better,
and he planned all sorts of trips for the both of them.

they'd go have a romantic dinner by the beach in summer,
they'd spend new year's cuddled up together, hot chocolate warming them up.

after his surgery, he searched for her—his heart, filled with gratitude
he never found her again.


the scar on his chest would never fade.

the summer breeze gently ruffles my clothes
i tuck my hair behind my ear
and smile as i observed leaves and petals dance.

a beautiful mix of greens, pinks, violets, blues and reds.
they flow with the wind so smoothly
just like you.

and i find myself thinking of you again.

(i was already happy,
very happy.)

they lead me towards the center,
a crowd gathers.

i laugh
as i get dragged,
their faces
wary
(of me? but why--)

i inhale,
then exhale.

they wrap a thread
(a rope? i don't know~)
around my neck.

it tickles,
and i giggle louder.

then the stool underneath me is kicked.

shut eyes,
clenched fists,
tense body.

angry thoughts
running through my head.

i breathe.

and release.

wide eyes,
open palms,
running through a field.

barefooted,
i inhale
and shout
and laugh
and

*i am free.

there it goes,
  a sliver of hope
      fading away
    once again
into the lonely dusk

  my thoughts,
are muddled up,
     cornering me
at my own made-up
       precipice

look down,
   the waves splash wildly,
rocks firmly standing

    look up,
the romantic shades
  of violets and blues

look inside,
   and there's nothing.

screaming, screaming
she pounds ******* the bars
crying, crying
she has no voice

she glances down
and sees her hands
that are doused with blood and,
she can never bring back
everything that they took

clenching her fists
and shutting her eyes,
she continues to scream.

same smile, same tears (what is this why)
your laugh, beautiful (who are you it hurts stop)
name to be forgotten, goodbye (no wait please)
ray of light (are you--)

breathless,
i press my
red, iron lips
on your
cold, unmoving ones.

i'll find you again.

i wish
tears
could wash
away
memories.

(then maybe i can finally sleep.)

if i could,
i would hold your hand
even if your rings would hurt my fingers

if i could,
i would embrace you
even if your hold would be too tight

if i could,
i would kiss you
even if it would leave a metallic taste in my mouth

and if i could,
i would love you
but.

there was a time
when you were larger than life
you flew when you ran
and you were so beautiful
you were so great

now i see you
on that white bed
that matched your equally pale face
and i want to hate you
because how could you have been so dumb to become this weak

but i can't
and i just sigh
as i simply resign
myself
(from what, i wonder
for what, i wonder)

"Fly for me, sweetheart," you said
but how could i
when you were my wings

like a summer flower
drying from thirst
yearning for water
i drink hungrily

the raindrops
that had been
eternally falling down
splash wildly
back to the sky

there was a pair of twins
one of them wore a happy smile on the outside
on the inside however
she would smirk and frown and laugh all over
the other one was gloomy and dark
but he had empathy deep, deep in his heart

she would get all the toys
play with them
until she gets bored,
breaks them
and gives them
to her other twin

all he had ever wanted
was warm company

how silly,
he thinks



(for she was life,
and he was death)

something
as gentle as
the sky above
was staring at me.

i look.

and i see you.

heading towards me
as if dancing to an unheard tune

i see you.

with eyes as beautiful as
the rainbow
(even more)

i see you.

you
who left with me no choice
but to fall

i see you.

(passing by me
and waving at
someone from behind




you don't see me
at all.)

your hands
tracing my faults

knowing
each
and
every
single
piece
of me



(i never knew someone could be as gentle.)

you
who danced your way through my heart
the fervor you showed me
will stay, ne'er sere

you
who sang your way into my thoughts
the hope you gave to me
tainted my black, black heart

and you
who drifted away from me
as if you had the audacity to be the wind

*you took my breath away with you

swallowing
the fear at
the back of my throat
I
take a step
forward

barefoot
on grass
palms raised
up high
closed eyes

breathe

(because the world isn't as terrible as you think it is.)

your expression is
blank
as you stare at him
crying
and crying
and crying

it's a pitiful sight
but you can't tear your eyes
away from him
repeating that same
mantra over and over
again

you can't understand
what's happening around you
everything's in a daze
but you do know that
he's crying
over her

you laugh as you
see him kiss that girl
on the bed

"That's disgusting—
it's like you're kissing a dead body."

(that girl
mirrored your entire face
except her eyes
were closed)

time has passed
and he looks sharper
all formally dressed

the look on his face
however
does not
suit him

he repeats that mantra
he kept on saying
to that girl

you smile sadly

"I won't give up—I believe you'll live."

his hands
were cold
for such a warm
person

("Let go, love. It's been four years.")

that continuous boisterous beeping
from the machine
stopped and
stood still

his face
broke you

and you had thought that
that girl who he loved
sure was lucky

(and then you faded into the dark abyss)

summer cicadas.
laughter from children.
crows and their tragic melodies.
sick feelings of deja vu.
a scream
or two.
a corpse found.

S i l e n c e .

summer cicadas.
laughter from children.
when will this loop just
.stop.

huddled in a blank corner
with my knees
as my best friend
i drown
and d
           r
                    o
                            w
           ­                             n
a                                 ­                d
                         n        
                                           r      
d                                                        o
     ­           w


                                n

our first meeting was

a summer drizzle
a cool breeze
a huge forest,

and you
sitting on
that tree,
laughing.

and there i was
staring above,
seemingly intimidated
by the dark clouds
that hovered
around

my mother,
with her
sad eyes
and
her sad smile,
uttered,

"Even dark clouds have their own silver linings, dear."

(i just
l a u g h e d

and

l   a    u     g      h       e        d)

i splash
my plain white canvas
with shades of
my favorite colors—
blue, red and yellow

but
i guess i got
too excited
that i
did not
notice that
the colors
were mixing
and had created
an ugly gray

(too little,
too late.)