I noticed the moon was hanging on a wire,
right before it swung down from the sky
Dangling right before my eyes,
I grabbed it
And ******,
the worthless thing is plastic
And the stars are just the glowing eyes of strangers,
saying that
they're pleased to meet me

Swinging my arms through the night's sky,
I get covered in ink
Black and blue on my skin
from the thoughts that I think
The galaxies are writing stories
on my flesh
and singing songs into my mind
for only my insides to hear
The lyrics are vocalized in a multitude of languages, pitches, and tones
And I feel sick now

I keep hearing your voice in the night when I look to the sky and I stare at the light
The sun has no place here, no meaning at all
She must stay hidden away and only seen when she's wanted
Winter is my favorite time of year because the nights are always longer

my bedroom floor has become
a graveyard for beer cans
and cigarette butts

still,
the moon smiles at me

i know what he's thinking
and i don't dare say
any of it out loud

i've lost track of the time,
yet again
and i'm frantically spiraling
into the night
and sinking into the ground
beneath me

my sense of self control
is barely even in existence,
anymore

i can't seem to stay away
from bad decisions

it's almost as though
i deliberately seek
them out
just to make sure
my life stays
exactly the same

2 a.m. approaches, so of course i'm still drinking
sitting under the stars, getting lost,
simply thinking
and i lose myself in the night, as i'm sinking
goodbyes never come soon enough

notes scribbled out into rhymes
never serving a purpose
other than clearing my mind
taking all the ugly stuff out
and turning it into something else

i've always had a hard time taking advice
i make every wrong choice,
at the very least, twice
and sometimes it's hard to realize
that i'm the one thing that stands in my way

i've been shuffling pennies
inside my pocket
and hearing them jingle
as i take more
and more steps
in the wrong direction

Time keeps trying to absorb me,
but I've broken his hands
and hidden away
the ground up bits of his sands

I'll never be whole again
but at least
he and I are falling apart
together

a couple states away,
in the snow dusted hills
lies a possible future
that i never thought i'd see

there are several doors
lined up in front of me
and i'm not quite sure
to which one i hold the key

the map that lines my pocket
is crumpled to a point
where i can't read
and the ink has gotten sweaty
as it slowly starts to bleed

i see a light
through a dark, empty space
and i'm too afraid
of truly finding my place
you can read every word
that i think,
on my face
but there's no answer

decision making has always been
something i have trouble with
i either stand in place
or i sink myself into a hole
never really getting anywhere
simply watching
as i, and everyone around me grow old
i'd forget it was winter if it wasn't so cold

time passes around me, twice
twisting trails around my life
letting everything pass me by
as i live, and as i die

Now,

the sun isn't even on our side

You can tell by the way
it shamefully hides

And the clouds only serve
to shroud
out our light

The moon falsely projects
recycled rays in the night

And somewhere,
deep inside all of this,
I sit

And I'm just not sure
where I fit
into it

wading through the edge of a dream
i sit and ponder what is in my head
and what is factual reality

there are too many things to count
too many numbers
numerals
constantly rotating along the outside of my brain
as i calculate everything i can see in front of me

time keeps wrapping around me
pasting fragments of my days
to my face
reminding me that time is endless
and no moment in the past
can be replaced

i've been gone a real long time
at least, inside my mind
i don't know if i'm ever coming back
or if i even want to

i'm picking at my scabs
trying to release the pain
and set it free
creating scars to remind myself
of just where and who i've been

surrounded by sky
and speckled in lights
millions of dancing diamonds
flicker into the night

and as each one tells me a secret
i shut out the sound
covering my ears
and pretending
no one is around

fallen leaves cover my feet
i guess i've been here too long
the wind churns through the trees
and i hear my favorite song

my mind paces
a thousand or more circles
a day

and it always comes back
to the same broken thoughts
tying the meat
in my skull
into knots

a dose of medicine
ain't gonna fix it
and if i lost this side of myself
i think i might miss it

it's the only me
i've ever really known
and i don't want her to die

it's not her fault
that her heart is busted
and letting all the
leaky stuff drip out

she was made this way for a reason

and i don't want to say goodbye

there aren't enough minutes in the day
to keep feeling this way

but as time ticks forward,
i move further backward

and i hope one day
i'll catch up with myself
and know where i've been
going this whole time

i love him from a distance
and watch as the world falls down
around us both

i don't know much about him
other than
how he makes me feel

and maybe it's because i know
it will never be

but my mind swims in circles
like a shark
and the only thing
i want to taste
is him

a fire burns hotter
in my heart
than i can handle

and he doesn't even know
he ever struck
the match

I've been trapped inside a memory
and I can't see
what's in front of me

Taking steps backward into my past
thinking it won't last
but I'm gone too fast

and I'm losing track of all my tracks
I'm going back
I'm going back

and I'm losing track of all my tracks
I'm going back

And I don't wanna know tomorrow
And I don't wanna see tomorrow

Taking scoops out of my brain
I'm going inane
From too much pain

Wish I could erase all my mistakes
But it's too late
Oh, it's too late

Don't know how much more I can take
When I'm awake
When I'm awake

Don't know how much more I can take
When I'm awake

And I don't wanna know tomorrow
And I don't wanna see tomorrow

It's too late for me
But please don't cry
It's too late you see
But please don't
It's too late for me
Please don't cry

And I don't wanna know tomorrow
And I don't wanna see tomorrow

Every moment is spent with people
pretending to like me

I don't even like myself,
so how could I expect anyone else to?

There has been no color
in my soul
since the day that my dad
blew his brains out
in front of
the house
I grew up in

Maybe it's time I quit
hanging on by this thread,
and I admit
I'm no stronger than he was

I live every day
as though it were my last,
because one day,
it will be

My heart tries to carry the weight
of so many others,
when there's barely
enough room for myself

I don't really feel like I know anyone

You all claim to love me,
but I spend every night alone,
wondering
if it's even worth it
for me to take in
another breath,
or if I should just
turn blue

i live inside of
stacks of boxes
lining around
the perimeter
of a room

too unsure of how long
i'll be here
not just in this room
but on this planet

it doesn't matter how many
smiles i create
or how many stupid
jokes that i make

i will never feel complete

there is a hole dug so deep inside of me,
i just can't see it

but i know it's there
every time
i see him smile

i know each smile's
for me
but he will never be mine

i try so hard
to live my life
but have i run out of time?

i hate every moment that i waste awake
because at least in my dreams,
in my life that is fake,
i can pretend i'm happy
and that's all
that it takes

clicking and ticking from my talkative clock
tell me minutes are passing, and they'll just
never stop

i'm surrounded by numbers,
they're invading my space
all these sands dropping down,
as they cover my face

the hourglass fills,
but i'm torn on the truth
has a day gone away?
another page
on my calendar used?

what's the use?
i'm left dying
and trying
too hard
another second
on the clock
one more
bit of sand
by the shard

it's too hard
i can't take it
i'm surrounded by noise
each second
that ticks
demanding
i make a choice

where's my voice?
i think i lost it
somewhere
along the way
time wraps around me
and tells me
that i'll live
another day

but what's living
when you've been dead inside?
from the love that you've lost
and the tears
that you've cried

yes, i died
but my heart still refuses to cease
so my soul still remains
until i am released

star dusted skin
shimmers delicately
under a falsely lit stone

wishes are quietly whispered
into an infinite, black ocean of universes

galaxies quake beneath a dozen suns
and we all get burned alive
eventually

i want to mount you
and i know on so many levels
that it's wrong

but you make time slow its ticking

every time i catch a glimpse of your smile
and my bones start quivering
beneath my muscles

every time i remove my skin,
i'm terrified

and as i tremble softly
between my knees
i feel a loss of control
and the thoughts get tangled
into so many knots
i don't even know where one end
begins

i gently remove bits
of layers
of my skin

only showing you a little sliver
as i try to hide my grin

i am much too ashamed
and unhappy
to share the parts of me
i am most afraid of

i'm taunted and teased
by lumps of flesh
and primal human instincts

daydreaming about feeling your fingers
caressing more than just
my neck
and lips

shivers work their way down my spine
and filter through the rest of my bones

i see you smile
and it kills me
from how brightly
and intensely
you make my flame burn

talking to the moon
is like
being with you on a tuesday

getting home late,
but you stayed up
just to make sure
i made it home okay

you knew i could be wild
that i could do some stupid things
that nearly killed me

and now i understand the fear

every time i see
a shooting star
up in the sky
i wish that this was all a dream
and once again,
i'll see your smile

it's been nearly
two years now,
and i guess i'm still in denial

you were my everything, dad

my world is a different place, now
the flowers smell less fragrant
and the trees
appear a paler shade of green

i can never fully word
what i'm trying to say
but you know what i mean

a bullet couldn't have killed you
the forensics must be wrong
there's no way that you killed yourself
you always taught me to be strong

now, i wear a paper shell
to cover all my pain
but it easily disintegrates
every time
it rains

time wraps around me gently
and it swaddles me to tears
as i watch the pain
in front of me
caused by all
my years

glittery bits of stardust
fall from a distant,
blackened sky

my skin is freckled with
shattered fragments
of moon slivered off,
for the night

my heart palpitates
as the moon radiates
and i'm drowning in delusions
of your eyes

little rays of day
are stolen from the sun,
and they shine upon that smile
in the sky

he was always my rock

so when he crumbled
and turned to dust

I did, too

freshly dusted clouds
surround and shroud
a slice of moon
and freckled stars
across a blackish, purple sky

my back is all scraped up
from little bits
of shingled roof
from where I've lied
upon a slab up near the sky

mangled streaks intrude my eyes
and place themselves over the skies
giving me glimpses of the light,
but I'm still left yearning for the rest
of it
as I gaze into the night

Suffering from depression is like:

biting your nails
when they're already too short

picking at your wounds,
and not allowing them to heal

living in your past,
because you're afraid of the future

feeling lonely,
yet being afraid
to burden other people
with your presence

wanting to get things done,
but being too unsure of yourself
to even try

you want to be happy,
but being sad is what you're most familiar with

you're afraid to live,
and afraid to die,
but you never know which option is worse

broken seashells
nestle down into
the tender flesh
of my thigh
as I taste him

I feel that salty
and savory flavor
of the sea
pressed against my lips
and I just know that it's real

morning shines its light
and I am again
taken back
into the
weight
of
emptiness

lighting strikes
twice
in the same spot
and I am dead

mismatched socks and doubled up knots
wrap tightly around my
blistered feet

my days are merely dreams,
but I feel the pain
like I'm a real boy

maybe I'm no longer made of wood
and my nose won't grow
when I'm lying
through my teeth

the only strings being pulled these days
are the laces on my sneakers

and I'm in control
of which direction they move in

the creaking and grinding
of rusted gears scraping against themselves
wanders through my ears
and into my brain

there are too many of them
constantly lining up
one by one
waiting for a chance to shake me
until my bones are exposed

this can't be right
but I don't want it to be wrong

just let me taste you once
so I can bank it into my memory

then I promise I'll disappear
just like you keep asking me to

I keep trying to let go
of that little bit of light
that you gave me

there's just some small
and stupid part of my mind
that lies to my heart
and allows me to believe
I still stand a chance

I gave it all to you
I let you see me
I let you see the scary parts
that I usually try to hide from myself
I showed you that I'm human
and that I care

and all that
you've shown me in return
is pain

the fluttering has begun inside my gut, again
that irritatingly charming warmth of feeling something other than sadness

little cracks of light show through the gaps in your teeth when you smile
and I see more than just the stars shining, tonight

I know I can't be right,
but I'm okay with being wrong
if it means I get to feel this

it drifts beneath a lightly dusted sky
a mangled lullaby,
tangling its way around my throat
and into my ears

fingertips trace over my trembling lips
and i've never felt so alive

embers singe their way into my flesh,
and i am never whole again

the lies spelled out through fireflies
burn their way into my eyes
and all i can think about is him

.

I guess I'd just forgotten what it felt like
That cold slice of rejection slitting my throat
and allowing me to bleed until I'm empty

My heart isn't even there anymore
I don't think it could stand to watch this unfold
I've allowed others to bruise it too often
To squeeze it until it's lifeless and grey

All the signs were pointing in one direction
And like an idiot,
I followed them

I ended up at the top of a mountain
with the most beautiful view
I felt like I could do anything,
but quickly tumbled down,
breaking all of my bones
and spilling my innards onto the pavement

I can't do this anymore
I just want the pain to stop
so I can quit dying
and start living
my life

Anxiety chomps and chews on what's left of my existence

And only time will tell
if I'll come out of this alive

I'm afraid of everything
everything that's important
of love
of responsibility
of commitment

I keep biting at my thumbs
and around the edges of my nails
Constantly tapping my toes
and I always hear a song playing in my head
that I've never actually heard before

There are constant bouts of doubt
gently resting in my head
Waiting for an opportune time to jump out and scare the pants off of me

I know what's in my head
isn't what everyone sees
But I'm persistently afraid
of what everyone else will think

I never really sleep,
and when I do,
I barely dream
Just the same worn out thoughts
streaming through my brain
again
and again

It's never enough
but somehow,
it's always too much

And I'm just not sure where one thought ends
and another begins

I feel a cockroach scurry over my foot,
and I know I'm not at home

The stale scent of this place rots off parts of my face, and I lose my sense of control

The clock strikes ten, and I'm giving up again
My face turns red from thinking I could win

So embarrassed that I blush,
I shush at my heart to hush
And I'm trapped inside these growing thoughts of him

I lick my cracking lips to moisten them,
and I taste him

The sweet and salty flavor of another human wraps itself around my tongue
and he's all I can think about

My smile shows itself when he's around,
and I lose control of my cool

I drop the act,
and let the human side of me appear for him

I smell the ocean when he's near,
because it roars behind his eyes
There are waves of blue and green woven throughout them
and they are irresistibly beautiful

The midnight skies can't compete with the color of his hair
My fingers could easily get lost for hours at a time
running over his ears and around the back of his neck

I've never seen such an innocent smile
Every time he lets it show,
I glow from the inside out

And I just wish I could ask the wizard for some courage

Because I've never
been so afraid
to tell someone how I feel

I fade in
and out
of a simpler time

The smell of wheat
and lemons
fills the air

The bed of a pickup
is my home
as the scenery envelops me
and before I know it,
we're in the next town

I don't know
what it is about him
that makes me dream

It makes me travel
to another world
One where I am worthy of not just love,
but of his time

The soft transition
of melodies
on the radio
play
and all I can do is listen

I'm lost in more than just his eyes,
by now
And I'm falling deeply
and falsely in love

The leaves of a nearby tree branch reach down to lightly brush against my skin
I lie down in the fallen foliage fingertips, and let the bits of fallen trees get tangled into my hair

The stars are too dim to compete with the lights in tonight's city sky
What I wouldn't give to have the shimmering lights dance upon my face and under my eyelids

Memories of innocence become reminiscence,
And I can't help myself
I've failed again

The dirt accumulates underneath my nails as I dig my hole deeper
The ground becomes my home
and the night becomes my family

Ever since the warm weather began,
I started getting really bad anxiety about my body
The fear of wearing a bathing suit has always been very real, for me
Even when I barely weighed 100 pounds,
I thought I was fat
I thought my body was disgusting
So now that I've gained a little weight,
I was terrified to put my bathing suit on
But you know what?
I did
And I don't look that bad
Yes, I need to get back in better shape for my health
and for my own sake
But I don't look like the gelatinous blob
I thought I would
As a woman, I've been conditioned to believe since childhood,
that if I don't have a tiny, flat stomach,
I'm not beautiful
That I have to be a size 2,
or guys won't be attracted to me
That if I don't keep my body in perfect shape all the time,
I'm lazy and unhealthy
I'm trying to learn how to love my body
no matter what it looks like
Because looks fade,
and I won't be 26 forever
But I'll always be me,
and I'll always be worth loving

The lights in the night's endless sky have stopped dancing,
leaving time to stand frozen in its place
Fifteen or maybe sixteen shades of blue create your face from what little light can be made out from space

Our smiles are stolen as they gravitate toward the moon's gleaming grin
Eaten by his gluttony and never seen again
They have become something else


This hole in my heart
bleeds your name
through my shirt leaving a beautiful stain,
and I'll probably never wash this shirt again

it drifts beyond an evening April sky
the rain drops, merely tears inside my eyes

for many years I've wondered where it ends
but the answers are all ageless,
stuck in time

there are bits of broken slivers stripped away
chipped, and ripped, and stolen
nothing ever ends okay
yes, I've been told a time or twice about the window

about temptation shining through,
and trying to rip us from our comfy little couches

ugly floral arrangements and
tacky music on the boombox
ruined my summers

picking weeds to make bouquets, and hoping just to put a smile on your face
but the thought never counted
and you never
seemed
to want me around

Brittle memories play quietly behind my eyes
pieces quickly disintegrate,
like paper mache
on a rainy April day

I see snippets of my childhood days
in simple, basic shades of greys
and I'll never know just how to say
I love you
and I'm sorry things turned out this way

All the misplaced thoughts in my mind
have shifted shapes
and I no longer recognize my own brain

Subtle drops leak and seep into my pores, like late September
The night always brings out the worst in me,
speaking unknown secrets in the form of mangled lullabies

I separate from my shadow,
finally spotting the antique bolder
gently hovering over my head
and I softly whisper my wishes to the night sky
hoping at least one set of eardrums will resonate with my vibrations

The morning willows weep for me,
knowing **** well my wishes went to waste
and I try again when the hills glow with morning
blowing across a dandelion's head
and watching the shambles of my desires floating into delicate piles

Not a moment goes by that he's not on my mind
His image remains glued
to the inside of my eyelids

And every time I take a breath,
I sigh
I get lost inside thoughts of swimming through his eyes

I hear his voice while I'm living life in dreams
Unable to wake myself up
from the idea that someone cares about me

The toxins are always
         o     l      i
  o                       n
p                             g
around my tongue
But his ears are immune
to my poisons,
and his heart
is immune
to my pain

The clouds pass by overhead
as I get stained green from the grass being smashed by my back
Words circle around my brain like little sharks, and each one is waiting to take a bite of me

The sun isn't gone, but I'm so cold
The goose bumps crawl over my skin and tingle like ants
As I grin a bit, and bite my lip
And realize my hand is beginning to slip
And the next thing I know,
my body's shaking
from all the sensations that in my mind, you're making
I get swallowed by this warmth, and suddenly I'm moaning uncontrollably

I see stars, in my mind
I see colors not yet defined
I hear singing
ringing
in my ears
And I just want more
and more
until there's nothing left
and I'm deflated
wearing a sloppy grin across my face

He said the sun only rises once a day
and he's right
I only wish our suns would rise at the same time
But mine shines while his moon starts grinning
His stars glow brightly while my day's just beginning

The entire world separates us,
but somehow we still connect
I love the way in place of right, he often says "correct"
Over five thousand miles stand between me and what I need
Over dozens of mountains, behind millions of trees
Without a guide, without a map to lead
I know he's out there
Somewhere
Somewhere, he's out there
and he's waiting for me

I can smell the ocean, although seventy miles away
Something in this warm scent the air creates embraces my lungs and it takes all my breath from me
I'd walk to the nearest seaside if you'd endure the trek on your blistered feet with me
The distance could never matter

I feel a forgotten feeling that starts in the top of my skull and ends in the tips of my toes
A feeling that zips through my heart like a runway train who has flown off the track so fast that no one even saw it coming

A talented sailor has made shelter in my gut and spends all his days tying complicated knots that my fumble fingers could never hope to untangle
I think he said his name was Jerry
I don't care much for Jerry

The lines on my face all created by smoke tell a story by the letters that my voice tries to choke
But I could never have the perfect words escape from  throat
Because there are no words as perfect as you are

I'm always
the odd man out
and I never seem to belong,
no matter where I go

I'm sent here just to be a clown
to dance around with a noose
around my neck
and bells
upon my shoes

I'm entertaining for a minute
but once the music stops,
everyone seems
to forget
I exist

There are tiny imperfections scratched into the sky tonight,
spelling out an accurate description of me
Time paints grooves onto my skin,
I am like a tree
You can count the lines I've accumulated to guess my age
Only I'm sure that time would fib and say that I'm much older


I've already died once or twice, tonight
Perhaps the next try, I'll finally get it right
And as for the hope inside my heart;
well, it's dying too
Only cracks inside my throat can leak my secrets
And I keep trying to seal them up with concrete, tar, and glue

My eyes feel like they've been victims of arson
The flames that flicker wildly behind them are quickly growing out of control
I've put my cigarettes out against my corneas too many times,
and the ashes have been sticking beneath my eyelids,
causing me to go temporarily blind

The words I dream in aren't even words
I think they're just sounds
Or feelings
Or they might just be nothing
I'm not sure how to tell,
I'm not even entirely sure I'm awake, right now