i used to have dreams
of growing old and gray
with you
that’d we’d retire
one day
and find a place
we wanted to stay
that we’d find a way
to be happy
as a we
but now
it seems
you’ll just have to be you
and i’ll start being me

time stood still
for us
for years,
at least it seemed
little growth
really happened
from the start
to now
and everything between
we lost track
of all the things
we used to dream
we’d one day achieve

and i know i am like poison
i sabotage everything
good that tries
to penetrate
my heart
i **** off all the good guys
in my mind
and keep making room
for the dark thoughts
and stomach knots
that keep me
so deeply consumed

my future plans
used to all include you
now the hole in my heart
begins to close up
but another one begins
to spread
and disease
all my desires
and hope
for anything new

i am heartbroken
for what i’ve done to you
but don’t you feel
anything?
don’t you know you’ve
hurt me too?

things don’t have to end ugly
we don’t have to feel hate
we can still let each other in
sometimes
it’s not too late

just remember that
we were happy
at one point
try not to forget
how much we
really did
love each other

i’m sorry things
turned out this way
but i hope
you will be okay
even if you tried to crush me
with the hateful things
you decided to say
i have a lot of room
in my heart
and if you can behave
i won’t cut you out
like the tumor you’ve
tried to become
i love you forever
even if
you’ve made me numb

does it make you feel
like a big, strong man
to bring up my dead dad
and call him a loser
for being so sad?
and then to compare me
to him
like i don’t
stand a chance
to go anywhere
and i may as well
give up
and go to hell
because i’m already
living there
every day
is a nightmare
when i should be
following my dreams
and not my fears
but i’ve been fighting
with these feelings
for several years
i’ve cried the seven seas
worth of tears
and i’m done with this ****
i no longer want you here
i don’t need your negativity
dragging my bones through the dirt
i’m tired of being broken
and hurt
as you tear and rip
me down to nothing
and steal away my worth
i was put on this earth
for more than your
petty entertainment
my strings are being cut
and i’m no longer
letting you have control
it’s my world now, baby
and there’s a fire
blazing in my soul

i am always
pushing away
the people
that bring me joy
because i always think
in the back of my mind
that they couldn’t possibly
care about me
and i try to make sure
i reject them
before they reject me

my life is such a lonely place
my heart is such a vacant space
never letting anything stay
because there are too many
fears i’d have to face

so i remain bitter
and calloused
pretending to smile
when the occasion calls for it
but it’s so rare
that i’m smiling because i want to
and not because i feel
like i have to

i have become
a worm
so many times
falling victim to my own
mistakes and poor choices
and allowing myself to shrivel up
into something pathetic
and ugly

i have been told
and convinced i’m worthless
that i can’t do it
on my own
and i keep
becoming
that little worm
over and over again

the prospect
of building a future
scares me much more
than the idea
of death

i haven’t given up yet
but the dark thoughts
are consistently swimming
around in my weary head

somehow,
you see someone
worth saving
you see past the ugly
and help me to realize
that there could be
something better for me
that maybe i can do it on my own
that maybe i have a chance
to actually live for once
instead of just existing
i’m going to keep clicking
my heels
until i find
myself a home

there is a lot
i know
i could give
if i allowed myself
to want
to live

but i tend to be
much more of
a teaser
than a pleaser
i want to be loved
but am too
afraid to let
anyone in

my body is a nightmare
it scares me
more than anything
i have hated it
for as long as
i can remember
dating back
to when i was just a child
with self harm
being contemplated

my biggest fear
is being seen
i am so ashamed
of me
that i
always compare myself
to everyone else
i could possibly be
raised on self loathing
and insecurity
never learning
how to find
my own
body positivity

i often feel ugly
unwanted
and unworthy
of anything
but the pathetic
little existence
that i’ve enclosed myself
within
i wish i could cut off
all my skin
take out my innards
and build myself again

but
a needle and thread
couldn’t reconstruct my head
yards of yarn
couldn’t crochet
my crooked mind
and smile
away

it would take more
than shiny buttons
to spruce me up
because i’m
******
and
i forgot what i was saying
before my honesty got lost
along the thought
process
of the things
i try to confess
before the drinks wear off
and i’m back to square one
trying to find my way
to the top
of the bottom
which is
where i’ll
likely
stay

i am only
just pretend
like an
imaginary friend
there is a me
somewhere
that exists
but i don’t think
anyone has
ever been
introduced to her

i play games
with myself,
with strangers,
friends,
lovers,
with family,
coworkers,
and others

i don’t take
anything seriously
and it eats away
at my stability
it tramples me
with insecurity
and keeps stimulating
my curiosity

i’m like a cat
waiting for something
bigger
and better
to **** me
but looking at my watch
time never stops
and none of these
******* got
bigger *****
they can’t get this crazy
**** down
long enough
to set their clocks
they just keep
******* and wishin
they could touch the scars
i have gotten
from all the times
i’ve reached up
for the stars

yeah, i’m really ****** sick
and i don’t know what to do with it
i could let it break me
or let it take me
where i really
want to go
up high
down low
back and forth
to and fro
i’m gonna puke
i think i’m dead
where’d i go?
which way is home?
where’s my mind?
what’d i do?
oh ****
oh no

connecting with you
on this level
of openness
has really helped me
to learn
and relearn
a lot of things
about myself

i have tucked away
so much
to try
and fit
into
the lives
of the people
i’ve loved
over the years

whether friends,
family,
or partners
i try to be open
in the beginning
and if i really
like the person
and they seem offended
or turned off
by something
i mention,
i usually weigh the decision
of whether to keep
the person
or
keep the habit

but it’s so different
with you
we’re just
two freaks of nature
who seem to click
in the weirdest
and most fun ways

even when
we tell each other
really ****** up ****
it doesn’t send
the other running

if anything
i feel like the ways
we’ve been able
to open up
have brought us
way closer together

it’s now
or forever
or something

i dunno, babe

i’ve been drinking

****, i love you

but what am i thinking?

covered in confusion
and blinded
by excitement
trying to find
the middle ground
between
complacency,
enlightenment,
and
always
being frightened

it’s crazy to
think
about
how much
yet
how little
i’ve seen
and done

to think about
how much better
or
worse
i could’ve
become
but where’s the fun?
that **** is gone
it’s charred
beyond
well done

now is real
and here’s the deal
this is how i feel

let’s be us
and don’t fuss,
i just mean
you be you
and i’ll be me
the we
we’ll be
will not
keep us
from being free

but we can
make new mistakes
to share
we can know
each other
if we dare

we can be there
when the other
needs someone
to care

and when
the day
shines
its light on us
when we
look into
each other’s eyes
with your face
next to mine
i hope
we’ll flip each other off
at the same time
so we can laugh
again
about how
in so many ways
we’re the same person
but we could still
teach
each other
a few lessons

and if things
should worsen
i’ll be here
to listen to you cursin’
and however i can
i’ll help you
lessen your burden

freedom is what
we both seem to crave
i’m trying to take the steps
forward
i’ll try
to be
brave

and if you end up deciding
that this is all too exciting
and your current reality
is where you want to stay
and i don’t quite
fit in
to what you
have planned
today
i’ll stand back
and fade away

i just don’t
want to be
in the way

the street signs
are all blurry
and i’m not
quite sure
where i’m going
in such a hurry
but my brakes
are out of order
and i have no choice
but to
keep
moving
forward

right now
time only serves
to torment me

taking all the best moments
and erasing them
a little bit at a time
until i can barely
recall the things
i used to care about

the world around me
is often
suffocating
making me feel
as if a boa constrictor
is squeezing
tightly around me

i have been crushed
into little
ugly
icky
piles of dust
because of my
inability
to avoid
falling in lust
and the amount of times
i‘ve left my heart out in the rain
it’s just layered
and coated
in rust

i am stuck
on repeat
like a skipping
disk
always taking
a risk
when i find myself
getting too comfortable
then letting
all my progress
go to ****

my brain
is sometimes
kinda smart
but my heart
is the biggest idiot
which is why
so often
i try not to admit
the stupid ****
that hides
deep inside of it

the life i thought i knew
is crumbling beneath me
and i keep falling through
hitting each and every obstacle
that has found its way
into my existence
there’s no point
in showing resistance
i keep falling and falling
but i never
finish
going
the distance

i want
to see
the world
before i die

i want to
experience
all sorts
of adventures
and learn
to feel
alive

i spent
my early years
focused on trying
to keep
my mom happy
with me
so there’d
be
no dying

then after
years
being there
for my dad
when he
had cancer
and was really sick
he got better
but for
his mental
health
there was
no answer

moving on
to being
used
and
abused
by men
that were
far beyond
my years
and really good
at spreading
tears

to make me
feel worthless
as they’d
break me
into
a disgusting
pile
of goo

**** those
*******
*******
in my
young
adult
years
that tried
their best
to break me down
to
a
little
gummy worm

sour
yet sweet
but always
squishy
in a way
filled with
a sarcastic
but somewhat honest
lil ****
who thinks
way too much
to ever fully forget
what she
can’t say

and then
i stayed
with
and married
the only
decent guy
i ever
dated

no hatred
but we don’t
feel
the same heat
and the burns
we wish to share
are too
mild
and discreet
to be
hot
and sweet

i want to
move forward
with my life
and the feelings
in which
i’ve participated
but i get
so overwhelmed
thinking
about how much
will
go into
making
the changes
i want to

and it makes me
just feel like
giving up
because
i am trapped
so much
of the time

i won’t be
fully yours
as you’re
just
a little bit
of mine

and time…
yeah, **** time

sand drops
grain
by
grain
as my brain
grows
more insane
and my dreams
are all
of you
and how you’re
close
yet
so
*******
estranged

i am often filled
with dread
when the words
begin to stir
like
there’s
a blender
in my head

i feel paralyzed
like everything else
is just getting in my way
and feeling like
nothing in that moment
is more important
than what i’m
desperately
trying to say

and when the lights
flicker
and dim
until they finally go out
my brain
keeps getting zapped
by what i’m
stuck
thinking about

there are little monsters
with pitchforks
jabbing and jamming
into my skull
until they reach
that meat inside
and they fuel
me up
to full
as i’m
feeling
each direction
my mind
is being
pulled

communicating
in a real
and
honest way
is too hard

trying to
*****
and find those
words
i want to say
is like
attempting
to
find
a tiny needle
in the hay

time is a
tricky
little ****

it sneaks up
so fast
and then
stalls
and makes
the most
brutal moments
last

days just disappear
and they are never seen
or lived in again
and sometimes
it’s that fact
that causes
me to envy them

i’ve been thinking
a lot
about my life today
and it’s been
making me
feel
pretty ******

i’ve done a lot of ****
i shouldn’t have

i’ve hurt good people

i’ve let my impulses
guide me
into dark corners
i never should have visited

and whenever
i know
i’m doing something
wrong
it makes me feel
heavy guilt
weighing me down

and then i
always tell myself
why
it was wrong
and that
i’m not
going to do it anymore

and then
i don’t
for a bit

enough time goes by
that i forget
how bad i felt
the last time
i did it

and i do something
******
and selfish
again

the cycle
never seems
to be broken

it doesn’t end
it only begins
slightly shifts
and
then
bends

i can’t seem
to be happy
for more than
a few days
(if i’m lucky)
at a time
and whenever
i feel like
“this will be the thing that helps me”
it is usually
far from
something
that will
actually
help me

i just feel like
i’m really bad
at making decisions

i get overwhelmed
thinking
there’s no point
in me
continuing
my life

i do nothing
but make mistakes
and hurt
myself
and the people
who
supposedly
love me

maybe
you can
teach me a lesson
that needs
to be learned

about how
i’ve always
been
the fire,
but i
can still
get burned

i get through times
that i honestly
don’t want to
i dream of days
that are far away
hoping
i’ll eventually
get
to you

but my efforts
are worthless
completely pointless,
really

i know
how
and when
and why
people love me

it never lasts
i’m a fleeting feeling
used
and abused
and only out here
to soften the numbness
to create the false illusion
of something
that will
never
truly
exist
i’m so often
and easily
missed
for things i can never
actually be
sorry.
i’m just me

words are nice
they can create
a facade,
a cozy home
for false feelings
to fester
and mess up
our heads

my life isn’t real
where the ****
are my meds?

i am trying
to exist
but to exit
sounds much cooler
which way is out?
i see the emergency exit
but i’m trying so hard
not to sound the alarm
in my poor attempt
not to take it
oh, my smile?
it’s fine
i mostly fake it

no one seems to know
even though
i’m not
a great liar
but i’m a decent actress
and i can pretend my way
through this mess
in a way
that
only those
who pay attention
will notice

which way is up?
i could try to tell you
but it would only be a guess

you are too good
and too bad
to be true
wouldn’t life just be
a lovely fantasy
with you?

under construction
this new thing
that we’ve built
covered by
a hovering
obstruction
of guilt

the last time
i felt anything
even close to this
was
never

i want to squish
those bratty lips
into a pucker
like a fish
and give you
an awkward,
but hilarious
kiss
and even though
we’ve not yet
touched
it’s your face
and smile
and voice
that i always miss

this heart
in my chest
says that it
likes you best
and who am i to argue?
why should i
try to protest?
i must confess
that my life
and my mind
are a constant mess
i don’t know if
i’m a damsel
but i’m
most certainly
in distress

****, i really like you
i really want you
i crave
to feel your embrace
to look into your eyes
and rub my face
against your face
to bite your lip
and give you
a taste
i promise not to let
a single
drop
of your
worth
go
to waste

i actually want to live
because
there’s so much
i want to give
there’s so much
i want to share
with you
and the world
when it feels
like just yesterday
i didn’t ******* care
i didn’t think
i could go anywhere
but down
and kept hoping
to soon
end up
in the ground

but here i am singing
and smiling
and doing what i love
with you in my mind
and my heart
giving me
something to dream of

*******, you *******

i love you

(song lyrics)

i’m up so high
there’s no sky above me
i reach out my arms
i can touch the stars

and on the edge
looking down below me
i see the people
and how small we are

i’m falling down
from the ledge i’ve stood on
dropping fast
as i hit the ground

but i’ll come back
as a ghost, don’t worry
you won’t relax
i’ll make sure of that


i don’t think that i can die
i’ve tried already
but every time
i am still…
alive

i guess i’m stuck
not sure why i’m wanted
but i’m still here
i just don’t give a ****….

i want to go
on all sorts
of crazy adventures
like the ones
i always dream about

and i want to take you with me

i wanna stand
on mountain tops
and look down
at all
the tiny ants
below

i want to feel
every ocean,
touch every tree

smell every flower,
get stung
by every bee

i just want you
there with me
when I finally
do it

when i can finally see
the way
things could
and should be
for you
and for me

i know
there’s
a fire
inside
wanting so badly
to burn
but the desire
is placed
somewhere between
my sighs
and my
self-protective lies
keeping very little
in my heart
or my eyes

vacancy signs
constantly flashing
at
the rundown motel
i call
my mind
grasping so tightly
and hoping to find
someone
or
something
that will make me feel
alive
without
keeping me
confined

let’s hold hands
sometimes
and explore the world
and each other
and ourselves
and our lives
and what they could be
while we learn
as much as we can
and we find a place
that feels like home
instead of just
existing
before we let
our worlds end

there is this itch
in my brain
constantly trying
to steer me
in the wrong
direction
as i try
to find my way around

there’s a whisper
in my ear
breathing softly
and telling me
what move
to make next
and it’s always
so difficult
to decide when
to listen

how many things
in this life
have i
been missin’?
just because i
thought
i was
being
“good”

i often
live in the clouds

i’m up there
in space
floating above
everything
i try to know
but being
unable
to reach it

i’m always either
too high
or
too low
and there’s so much
that i’ll never know
or touch
there are
countless places
i’ll never go

but i hope
that
at
least
once
you can be
something
real with me
so we can experience
life
and
dreams
and tangle them up
into one
in the same
making up
our own new name
for what it’s like
to be a “person”
in this world

i have
often tried
to be
somebody

feeling
a subconscious
need to compete
with those
around me

constantly being told
i was
not desired
for what i was
or what
i ever could be

i always
felt like
the sore thumb
amongst my friends

the dumb one
who said
and did things
that didn’t make sense
to anyone
and just made them
want to turn
and run

i have always tried to blend in
but in tiny bits
with little chuckles
and
false grins
forever living
in confusion
and unsure
of what could
and should
happen

i’m just
a dumb bunny
hoping to be
funny
and trying
to quit dying
and maybe one day
be
somebunny

Arlo Disarray ©

i want
to be
touched
in
a
way
that sends
little
vibrations
down
my
spine

remind
me
again
that
i’m alive

bite into me
like
a piece
of
fruit

taste me

let my
flavor
dribble
down your
chin
and tell me
how
sweet i am

lick
my
lips
to
moisten
them

send me
to the moon

make me see stars

make me
forget
just
for
a moment
that my
sad
little
world
is on fire

i’ll
show you
what’s inside
if you
promise
not to
hide
or cry
or run
or fight

i want
to be
seen
for what
i truly
am
in the light

let your
eyes
set me
free
and we’ll
see
things
together
in a new way
for
the
first time

suffocated
by a strange
and dreamlike
state

unable
to breathe
because
is air even real,
anyway?

the ground
below
is made of
rubber
and i bounce
a bit
with every step

the sky above
is made of water
and when
i reach up,
i get wet

everything feels
thick
and dense
in front of me
like i can
barely even move

the light outside
is barely bright
and my mind
is so easy
to lose

there were
no
dreams
inside
my mind
last night

i floated
on top
of
a blank
black
pillow
of nothingness

there was
no
sound
and
no
light

i got to
experience
that lovely
emptiness
of
death

the sweet
taste
of
no breath

my heart
is already
dead
so
why not
slice
out
all the
thoughts
from
my head?

maybe
we could make
a sandwich
using
the meat
from my brain
and serve
everyone
a lunch
that would
help
make them
feel
insane

we could
give them all
a sample
we could
try to
let them
see

but even
if
they ate
my meats
they
couldn’t be
as
nuts
as me

my attempts
to climb
back out
are a joke

i’m too weak
i struggle
and dangle
from this rope

my hands
blister
and burn
from the friction
as i lose control
again
and i try to
hang on
and stop
myself
from falling
all
the
way
back down
to the
bottom

but **** it
drink ‘em
if you’ve
got ‘em

give me
a laugh
on
the way
out
and
flash me a smile

at least
one
of us
should
be happy
before we die
and i need
to go
out
in
style

a heart
that desires
so badly
to be free

a mind
that never
knows
just how it
should be

a head
that’s
much, much
too big
that
no
protective
headgear
can ever fit

two eyes
that are
sometimes
filled with
the entire world
oceans
mountains
and trees
birds
and flowers
and
angry bees
but sometimes
these
eyes
are
vacant
trying their best
not to hold
anything close
to
the chest
not to let
any feelings
or people
nest

a person
or something
trying to
resemble one

afraid to
hold anything close
terrified to let
anything
go
wanting
to explore
the world
but too scared
to be
anything
other
than
a
pathetic
little
girl

a body
a shell
a nightmare,
a living hell
a no one
a nothing
just
crying
and
cussing
and
hoping
for
something…

i dream of you
even when i’m awake
fading in
and out
of each day
as they all blend
and blur into one

nothing has been the same
since i first learned your name
and my heart hurts all the time
because i want you so badly
and you’ll never be mine

time stops for me
every now and then
when you pop up
into my life
and give me a reason
to smile again

i don’t want it to end

but it’s not for me
i’m not for it
no, i’m just a pile of ****
and the smiles i wear
always fade away
so quickly

i disgust myself
there is so much
hidden inside
that i hope
will
never be seen
in the light
i don’t want to know
i don’t want to care
i just want to
crumble up
into dust
particles
and disappear
with the air
i want the wind
to carry me away
to another place
where nobody
there
knows my face

maybe then
i can
let my guard
down
and allow myself
to be found
i can admit
to my faults
without immediately
playing it off
as a joke
i can allow my heart
to stop filling up
with doubt
and instead
flood with hope
and beauty,
but nope.

because here’s the thing,
i know that i won’t
because i
hide from all the healing
i hide from my true feelings
i disappear
inside myself
when i find myself
drunk
and reeling

i spent so many
years
and tears
drowning myself
along a stream
of all my fears
and whenever something
beautiful
draws near
i put my head
deep in between
my knees
and wait for
the light and love
to just leave me be
and forget about me
to allow me to just
remain
alone
in my uncomfortable
comfort zone

uneasy

getting

queasy

feeling
pain
again

when i
thought
i’d
have it
lemon
squeezie

maybe
just for a moment
i felt alive
i felt feels
i felt…
real

and now
i’m
just screaming
down an empty
hallway
listening
to
the echos
of feelings
that brought
me hope
on
all my
bad days

and i’m
yet again
standing here
on a chair
with my neck
hugged by
a rope
waiting
to dangle
and tangle
and struggle
and say
“i’m sorry”
as i choke
out
“goodbye”
because i’m
tired of saying

“hi,
here is my heart
it is
well used
and heavily
abused,
but if you’re
still
into it
and
amused,
let’s get
together
and search
for
the light
beyond this
hole
in my heart
let’s stop
and start
and
then
never stop
again”

i don’t
ever
want this
connection to end

you can push me aside
but at least
continue to be
my friend
because my
stupid heart
doesn’t even
know
or
understand
a life
where you
don’t
exist
and
i just
want
to know
where
we stand
and for you
to realize
how much
you are
always missed
when you
pull away
like this

could it be?

the chameleon!?

changing
suits
and
colored skin
shifting
time
and time
again
to try
and
blend
in
and
hide
from the
things
that
frighten
her
within

she
camouflages
well
while
trying
not
to
tell

trying
to
conceal
the
things
inside
that
she
does
outside
without
ever
realizing
what
life
even
is
besides
this
hell
and
sad
little
lie
that
has
hidden
her
so
well

i want to lick your brain

give me
just
the tiniest
taste

i won’t
let a
single
drop
of
your
brilliance
go to
waste

after all,
you’re
one
in
a
million
or
a
billion
or
whatever that
made up
number
is
that
children
use
to
express
that what
they’re feeling
is
the absolute
best

i’ll meet you on
the Hlíðarfjall
slopes
crossing
my fingers,
toes
and eyes
while hoping
for the most

one day,
maybe,
hopefully,
with wishful
thinking
and
pushing
and
planning
and maybe
a bit
(or more)
of sneaking
we
will be
beyond
these silly
dreams
and actually
be touching
side
by
side
with nothing
left
to
hide
because
we are
actually okay
with
ourselves
and
with
each other

this is just
a precursor
to what you will experience
if you’re around me
on a regular basis
i have days
where i am
just up
up
and
away

but then
i have days
where i am down,
down,
down

and then
i have days
where i’m up,
down,
up,
down,
right,
left,
sideways,
circles,
vibrations,
lost sight,
who am i,
where am i,
what am i even doing here,
what’s the point,
is life even real,
is this a simulation,
do i actually breathe,
am i just unknowingly on the Truman Show,
has anything ever existed,
do i exist right now,
what time is it,
why does my face itch,
what’s wrong with me,
what or who even are you,
where’d you come from,
where have you been all my life?

anyway,
i’m medicated.

who knows
if i’m being treated
for the right ****?
i’m still
nuttier than
a nutty buddy,
and i’ve been told by close friends
that i’m their
“nutty buddy”
but they really
don’t know
how accurate
that is

i’m just working on music,
while smoking
a lot
of ****,
drinking…
my usual amount of *****,
and thinking
about the past,
the present,
and the future
while trying
to make sure
i push
the less important things
out of the way
while i sort through my ****

and, by the way….

ég elska þig ❤️

i love you
in icelandic

maybe
my wings
are a bit
too long
and i’ve
flown
too close
to the sun

perhaps
it is i
who is
lost
in
the sky
getting
carried away
having fun

my smile
has shown
more
than it has
in a while
and i’m
looking forward
to future
grins
too

my head’s
in a spin
as
my heart’s
caving in
and i’m
just not
quite sure
what to do

i know
what
i want
and i
i know
what
i don’t
but i’m
not sure
how to
navigate
between

i’ve been lost
for so long
that i
don’t know
what’s wrong
and i’m
stuck
feeling
like
the
grass
is
never green

the moon
hangs
on
a
wire
as
it
dangles
to
inspire
and i’m
caught
beneath
recycled rays
of sun

the lights
will guide
the way
the
stars
will
find a day
for us to
be
everything
we’d
hoped
we
could
become

i’ve been
slowly
and oh so
carefully
peeling away
layers of myself
like a lizard
shedding its skin
whenever it grows
a little bit

i keep
removing
the old stuff
the icky stuff
the stuff that
keeps me
awake
at night

i’m trying so hard
to find my way
to the light
where maybe
the sun
can help cauterize
my scars
maybe i
can have a chance
to be new
again

until i can rebuild
and renew
i am so grateful
that i can be myself
with you
that i can let
little bits of
the ugly
slip into
our conversation
and you won’t turn me away
you don’t run
when i
show how scary
i can be

thank you
for helping me
take the time
to learn who
i am
and
who i
want to
one day
be

brains are weird,
little mysteries
all filled with
countless, unique
stories,
thoughts,
and memories

jiggly,
squiggly blobs
filled
with everything
we’ll ever
and
never
be able to know

like a jellyfish
filled with random
philosophies,
daydreams,
scary things,
memories,
ideas and plans
and other stuff
that is frightening

gelatinous lil
chubby
blubs
of thought
driving every function,
every aspect of our lives
telling us
when to blink
what to want
how to breathe

i just wish
this stupid
thing in my skull
would shut up
sometimes
and

just

not

think

when i
look back
at all the roles
i’ve played
throughout my life,
at all the characters
i’ve had to create,
all the versions
and variations
of myself
i have
pretended to be…
it’s crazy to think
how i really don’t
know me

i think i never
really wanted to
because i am too afraid
of being unloved
and unwanted

i use all these masks
to hide the pain
and cover up the tears
that have been pulling my strings
for most of my years
stopping me from
taking risks
because of
all my fears

i’m torn in two
trying to get to you
and wondering
if you’re
just going
to grow bored
of me, too
once the music stops
and the bells
fall off my shoes
will you like me when i’m me?
or do you want me to be you?

these are the questions
that rotate around
my brain
walking around
my mind
with thousands of tiny
hands and feet
tickling and causing vibrations
sending me down
into countless spirals
that never end well

i have been sick
for as long
as i can remember
and i don’t
know
that i’ll ever
be fully
in my right mind
there are
always little monsters
in my head
chasing me around
and there’s nowhere
i can hide
i am always exhausted
no matter how much
i rest
and i guess
being crazy
is just what
i do best

my head is very
pumpkiny
and
i think
if you
put
a candle
in
between
my teeth
it might burn

but i’d
make
a great
jack-‘o-lantern

🎃

maybe i will
get to see the
sun rise
right before
my tired,
drunken eyes

sleep is
hard to
come by
even when i
need it
after a hard day
or a rough week
of constantly
changing masks
to be who
i need to be
when i’m
in certain company

i love that
i can be me
with you
no masks
no filters
just openly discussing
and drinking
and cussing
and occasional
fussing
about how badly
we want
to have a
bratty snuggle
between
two
benefited
*******
friends

i am sweet
but i’m
a ****
i love hard
with
time
and
work
and i’m
healing
from the hurt
that was
placed on me
from birth
still
trying
and dying
to know
my own worth

creativity
is both
a blessing
and
a curse
and i’m
not sure
which is worse…
being alone
or feeling
like every
move
i make
is rehearsed

i want
to know myself
i want to shake hands
and really
meet
me
for the
first time

i want to
know
you
in
the process
of
getting
acquainted
with myself
and i
want to
hold your
hand
once in
a while
as
i’m counting
stars
and
trying
to find
my smile
somewhere
within those
sparkling
lights
in the sky
i want to live
one day
without
wondering
why

i’ve been slipping
and sliding
down a dangerous
path
into a soupy,
sloppy pit
of dismissive
behaviors
and letting
part of myself
disappear

it’s so hard to explain
how this is so wrong
and so right
at the same time

it goes against
all i’ve ever thought
i needed
but these dreams
won’t leave
my mind
i’m trapped between
my heart
and
my
time

what happens
between
one eye
and the other
in my lil’
squishy
brain
is impossible
to explain

it all just
comes down
to one
simple
little
itty
bitty
thing

this stupid
little
flutter
in my heart
with
your name
etched into it

i can’t sleep
but
i don’t care

sometimes
poetry
is more
important

we’re just
two pieces
of ****
waiting for
our turn
to get flushed
down the toilet

two unhinged
weirdos
communicating
through poetry
and thoughts
that aren’t quite
complete

and maybe there
are still pieces
missing
and this picture
can’t be
fully seen
for a while

but ******
*******
or not,
****!
you make
me smile

and when i look
up at the moon
and he’s smiling
too
and it’s happening
while i’m
thinking of you

the fork in the road
makes me hungry
and i’m trying to figure
out what
i need
to satisfy this rumble
in my tummy
i can’t have
my cake
and eat it too
but i
don’t care much
for cake anyway
i’m more of a pie
kinda gal

there’s a thought,
or maybe a dream,
that’s caught in my head
and it makes me so sick
it’s like my brain
and heart
are being ****** dry
by a tick
and the little fat ****
won’t quit with the ****
he keeps trying to
**** me
and drain me of
all my blood

my fingernails are well bitten
as my thoughts are being written
i’m really ******* smitten
and i’m stuck
i’m scared
and i’m angry
and i’m running
out of luck

i feel like i’m
being pressed tightly
between two pieces of glass
and i see one world
from one side
and another
from my other eye
and i know which
one i want to explore
and know
and see
it’s just
not that simple
it’s not that easy
but i’m willing to
put in the time
and the effort
to make a dream
into our reality

i just want to live,

find myself,

and be loved

even if it’s just
little bits
of fleeting love
from passersby,
and then i want to die
while
i’m still loved

and before
the visitors
that
love me
realize how
****** up
i really am

if i
believed
the devil
existed
i
would gladly
and quickly
sell him my soul
in exchange
for a day,
just one
measly *******
day…
with you

if you saw me
face
to face
nose
to
nose
eye
to
eye
you’d see that there
are
only
ugly
treasures hidden inside

but
i
feel like
maybe you
can see
past
the
ugly
and taste
the little gummy
i
try so
hard
to
hide
inside

my lil’
pea-sized
mind
is in
yet another
bind
as i
tightly
wind
myself up
inside

locked somewhere
between
my hollowed
out heart
that’s been
scooped clean
and my
guts
and organs
which
only serve
to try
and keep
my bloodstream
from ceasing to be

i’m nothing
more
than
a jack’o’lantern
waiting
and
dreaming for
special
times
when it’s okay
to be seen
like
on
halloween
or
when
i
make an
old friend
that
i
no longer just love
and i
begin
to LIKE like

are
you
waiting
with
a grin
upon
your
adorable
face?

or
must
i
get
even
sillier
and
bleed
myself out
even more?

****!
what
are
we
even
waiting
for?

there are
no stars
in the sky
tonight

just a big,
open
blanket
of nothingness

i’m not
even here

nobody is

it’s a quiet
time
of empty
doubt
and nothing
for me
to shout
about

raw eggs
are thrown
and broken
across
my face

i am left
motionless
with a
bandage
wrapped around my chest
telling me
that regardless of the
pain
and confusion
i still
know
i
like
you best

take a swim
take a dive
take a little
look inside
and if you stay
nearby
and you don’t
turn your tail
and run…

well,
then,
my darling,
we’ll
have
so
much
fun

don’t
toy
with me
don’t
you
*******
tease

because
i will shake
all the jello
from
these
knees

i will
*******
up

because
i
have
already
been
******* with
enough

my heart’s
stitches
are coming
undone
as you try to
tell yourself
that you’re a man
and i am
who
i
am

let me
lick the little
lines
around your brain

give me
a taste
of what it’s like
to be
your flavor
of insane

let me
tear myself
apart
allow me
to pull
my rib cage
wide open
so
all my
gooey
guts
can spill out

give me
a kiss
on the end
of my nose
and let me get
a whiff
let me smell
what you’ve
done
and where
you’ve been

grab my hair
pull back my head
look into my eyes
and see all the
things
i keep
locked up
deep inside

i’ll let you in
if you’ll
let me
let you
in

all i have ever wanted
is to be accepted
and still loved
for who
and
what
i
am

not
what
i
present
myself
to
be

not
the
way
t­he
outsiders
perceive
me

but
for the true
and the ugly

the monster
that hides
itself
inside of me

life is so stupid
nothing makes sense

my heart
aches

it pumps
and
beats so
hard
it
pools
with
blood

i know
better than
most
what it’s
like
to
feel
unloved
or
unwanted
and
i wish
i had
enough energy
and love
to give
to everyone
who needs it

but sadly,
i barely
have
enough
for my
own
pathetic
little
insignificant
existence

show up in my dreams
or
in
my ****** up
pathetic
little
washed up
mind

dream
a
little dream
of
my
little dream
and maybe somewhere
in the middle
we’ll meet
in
between
and it will seem
like something
is
actually
happening

how many minutes
are left
of our
little
pathetic
existences?

so what if
i want to
spend my remaining
days
kissing your scars
hello
and welcoming
them
with open arms?

what if we start
with what’s hard
and give away
the little
squishy
parts
of
our
hearts?

would you still love me
if
i started with
goodbye
and ended
with hello?

how many licks
does it take
to get to
the center
of my heart?

the world
may
never
know…

i got my passport
to the moon
so i’ll see you there
real
soon

if you’re
not there
when i arrive
i’ll get things
set up
nicely
for
our
new
found
lives

i’ll make sure
i have
my heart
open wide
stretched out
like it’s
made of rubber
so that you
can fit
inside

i will wait
i will love you
i will share my heart
and my soul
as long
as you will
love
me too
and maybe
even
LIKE like
me
one day
if I decide
i
LIKE like
you…….

Arlo Disarray©

with a mother
that made
me feel unwanted
from birth
doing her best
to break me
and steal away
my worth
i’ve been working
day and night
my entire life
to undo
the slices
she made
in my heart
with her knife

and fast forward
to age fifteen
i start to feel loved
but by a man
twice my age
with two children of his own
not much younger
than myself
keeping me his
*****
little
secret
until the day
i turned
eighteen
i was so excited
to be with him
finally
without fearing
being seen

but then he didn’t
want me anymore
because the
excitement was gone
i didn’t need
to be hidden
anymore
and that was
all he really
wanted
all
along

after that
i met another man
nearly twice my age
who persistently
tried to woo me
until i eventually
got worn down
and gave in
to his ways

he said he wanted
to show me off
to make me
his girl
but as soon
as i was
he became a monster
and all he did was
break me
more
and more
every day
until i went limp
and just let him have his way
he ***** me
sodomized me
told me
i was ****
that no one
else would
ever love me
that i was
disgusting
spoiled
worthless
and unworthy
of being
anything
more
than his
little
dried
up
worm
he
lived to hurt me
and make
me squirm

years
and tears
haven’t
been enough
to heal me
and i
am trying
every
day
to find
the value
in myself
i just hope
you can really see me