She was attractive
To me
Even when she was taken.

I've never been good at poker
But me and Life played a game
I pulled a horrid, useless hand
And lost every penny to my name

The consequences were harsh
Life gave me them with a smile
With very little to work with
To overcome the trials

Life gave me keloid scars
Life gave me misophonia
Life gave me depression
Life gave me paranoia

And panic attacks
And a fear of love
(And a huge nose
As if I hadn't had enough)

And I'm meant to accept my "spoils"
From a horrid poker game
And spend years of my life
Pretending I'm okay

I'm supposed to laugh
And have a smile on my face
But what emotion should I show
When the audience walks away?

I'm supposed to do this
Without being too fake
But how can one be genuine
While wearing the facades they make?

So when others ask why I'm suicidal
When they ask why I find everything bland
When they try to fix my apathy
I just tell them "I drew a bad hand"

Abigail is words, whispered in the dead of night
Abigail is pearls, so meticulously shined
Abigail is wind, personal yet public
Abigail is din, a beautiful ruckus

Bigail is books, every breath is a story
Bigail is gems, rich in her glory
Bigail is breeze, a soothing chill
Bigail is ease, with a bit of thrill

Igail is water, playful but cold
Igail is stormy, brewing and bold
Igail is calm, willing to wait
Igail is balm, soothing this place

Gail is half, fading quickly
Gail is worn, fragile and sickly
Gail is Earth, loving and warm
Gail is mirth, behind her thorns

Ail is sweet, and yet so sour
Ail is blood, of the hearts she devours
Ail is tears, as she turns to leave
Ail is fears, that she can't retrieve

Il is less, than sweet Abigail
Il is more, for she left a trail
Il is mad, raving lunatic
Il is bad, coughing and sick

L is tired, ready to go
L is crying, way down below
L is left, hanging by a thread
L is befret, the words she said

* * is nothing
There's nothing left of Abigail
No words left to whisper
Gone without a trail.

She came into my life like an atom bomb
Annihilating every concept I'd molded.
She left my life like a cough fades
Harsh, but too gradually for me to notice.

He came into my life like the transition of seasons
And I was awed as I watched it happen.
He left my life like a collision of cars
Horrifying, but to quick for a reaction.

She came into my life like the morning sun
And I was awed as I watched it happen.
She's in my life as a ray of hope
Like a sinner's sweet redemption.

He came into my life like a shattered stained-glass window
All edges and cracks and broken beauty.
He fought my grasp with comparisons and words
Until I simply stopped holding and let him be.

She came into my life like a reflection in negative:
Completely me in every sense save color.
She gripped to my life the way I did to hers
Because we understand like no other.

He came into my life like a god to humanity
Ethereal and shocking, a showstopper, a freak.
He left my life like a punch to the gut
Unexpected as it stole the breath from me.

She came into my life like a drop of sour lime
Contaminating the sweets I wanted to savor.
She lingered in my life like a pungent reek
No matter how I try, I can't be rid of her.

He came into my life like sight to the blind.
She left like the stubborn scent of lavender.
He came into my life like a wounded animal.
She left like a shooting stars motion-blur.

I came into life with a whisper and a frown.
I came into life, hands outstretched to ****.
I came into life with all the knowledge I'll posses.
I came into life against my own will.

They come and they go in firework bursts of time.
They affect who I am like the smoke leaving ashes behind.
They come and they go in Kodak flashes of memory.
They affect my growth like acid water to a sapling.

There's beauty in the cloudy glass of lifeless eyes.
There's hideousness in the taught rope of blood ties.
There's peace in the chaos of rampaging thought.
There's madness in the lucidity of a single gun shot.

Life is gifted only to those clueless on how to live it.
Death visits those who know it far too well.
Life is fickle, a trickster without conscience.
Death is decided, a guide to the warmth of Hell.

Humans are wise with the possession of neglected logic.
Humans are wise with the knowledge of priority.
Humans are ignorant in the abundance of prejudice.
Humans are ignorant in the concept of conformity.

We are a small sample of the incorrect way to exist.
We revel and bathe in our wrong and enjoy it.
We are cutoff from what may be an intelligent universe.
The cancer of the galaxies, we are Earth.

Beyond this planet
Beyond this galaxy
Beyond the Andromeda
Is a blissful unity.

This galaxy is an ant under a magnifying glass
And to the galaxy of universes of cosmos
We are an experiment of exponential proportions
Intriguing from a distance and nauseating up close.

Our galaxy is a mobile hanging over a child's cradle
And, ignorant to this, we see ourselves as its center.
Should the child wake and the mobile cease to spin
Earth would end and, unconcerned, we would let her.

We came into Earth like molasses poison
And eroded at everything we found fit to touch.
We leave Earth like a disease cowed by the immune system
Though we are far too numerous to be hurt overmuch.

Zeroing in to see a face in through the violent cold fronts
There is naught but fear and pain to describe us.
Stepping back to see the entirety of this planet's sickness
There is little to see save bags of organs and blood and dust.

There is more than one that sees the futility in twenty-two billion lungs
There are others that know the worthlessness of eleven billion hearts beating
There is more than one that hopes for eleven billion lasts
There are others that see an Earth red and bleeding.

It is no wonder we do not know our own beginning.
It is no accident we are intrigued by our lack of meaning.
It is not unpredicted that we only see as far as our arms can reach.
It is not unbelievable that we cannot excel beyond our means.

Welcome to the void of complication in our simplicity.
Welcome to a glimpse of metaphysical existential reality.
Welcome to an explanation of the current and that far gone.
Welcome to a belief twenty-two stanzas far too long.

She's knocking on my door again
She's saying she feels down
I want to rip the world apart
Until she doesn't frown.

Six horrendous years
I chased you like an addiction
Like water in a dessert
Like an angel in heaven.

Six ******* years
You didn't care about me.
Threw around I love you's
And I followed blindly.

I'm done, my dear best friend
I'm done, you broke my heart
You used me when you were hurt
And ripped me apart.

I want you to care
But I've already stopped
And your knocking again
And I'm flipping you off.

You had six years
I'm fed up
Cause six years of nothing
Was never enough.

Have you ever had a dream that takes up twenty-three hours
Of your daily twenty-four?
And it follows you to work, to get-togethers, to school,
All the way back home.

You want it so badly, would give your heart and mind and
Your uppermost third of your leg on the left side.
And it makes you smile when you think about it because it's amazing.
And you think, you hope, you know you'll make it happen.

And then you come down and remember who and what and why you are.
And that dream is mocking and jeering at you.
That dream is picking at you and you don't have the energy to bat it away
So you let it and it picks away more than you would have given.

You wake up in the morning thinking your whole life's been wasted and,
From the other side of the bed, that dream agrees.
You look at all the people who did it and have it and made it and,
From the other side of the bed, that dream is still mocking you.

When you go to work the dream drapes itself over you, broken and nasty
And no one mentions it because they all have their own dreams
That are doing the exact same thing.
Neither do your friends, or strangers, or family.

When you go home some indeterminable amount of time after that dream
Broke you,
You wrestle it to the floor and fold it three hundred times until it's barely a
Speck.

And you pop it into your mouth and swallow it whole
Pretending you can't hear it screaming and fighting all the way down.
You digest that dream but it's still there, ready to be taken up again but you won't
Because you won't get it now and you won't have it later.

On your way to wherever and whenever you see children laughing
And they hold their dreams up high. They love those dreams and those dreams love them.
And your stomach twists and turns as your dream beats at it
But you keep walking. Keep driving. Keep moving.

You close your eyes and scream and cry but you don't get your dream back
Because it hurt you before and you're not fool enough to try again.
When you go to sleep, it will haunt you.
When you're home alone, it will torture you. You know this.

You go home anyway and it stabs a knife through your abdomen and
You don't flinch at all, it was expected.
And you go to your room and lay down to stare at nothing for an hour or two
Until you think that, maybe, crying will ease the emptiness.

So you think of the saddest things that would send the hardest heart into waterworks
And you wait because, two hundred and eighty-eight hours later
Because one million three hundred and sixty-eight thousand seconds later
You still haven't shed a tear.

Dear Chaus,

Wishing upon that shooting star
For something more than what you are
Heartbreaking as you send your wish afar
But you'll never be more than simply subpar.

Calling out for a goal, an ambition
Reaching hard to make the distance
Running until you lose your vision
Then crashing when, again, you miss it.

Because all you are is a common entity
With not a single redeeming quality
All you are is a lackluster commodity
Thrown away once something better is seen.

Are you lonely yet, does the feeling invade your soul?
Are you lonely yet, now that you feel so old?
Are you lonely yet and has your optimism run cold?
Are you lonely yet, are you ready to go?

Does it crush you in that way that makes death seem sweet?
Does it rend you in the fashion that forces up what you eat?
Does it poison you like smoke that your lungs forever keep?
Does it drag you like nicotine, controlling your feet?

How do you do now, my dear, and those cuts on your arms?
How do you do now, my dear, with no father to bring you harm?
How do you fare, my dear, when all is at peace and warm?
How do you fare, my dear, with the paranoia, the alarm?

Is it too much or just enough, are you running to the end?
It is too good or too bad, will you shun those helping hands?
Is it too loud or too quiet, is love still in your plans?
Is it to nice or to cruel, now do you understand?

As all you'll ever be, you are ending in this moment
All you wish to see that you've smashed on the pavement.
All the time you had that your decisions use as payment.
All the people who've passed that you wished would have come with.

This is what is waiting for you in a year, a decade, a century
This is what is waiting and this is all you'll ever see
Disappointment by disappointment, never quite depression-free
This is what is waiting: anything but content or happy.

So next you feel the call of some obscure way to die
I bid you take the chance, let not another chance pass by
The next you feel fed up and you can only think to cry
Put down your tears and dance and kiss this cruel world goodbye.

Love,
Chaus

Is a pack, is a clique,
Is a group of tightly-knit friends
People who can rely on me
The way I'd rely on them.

                                                        Bu­t people these days are plastic dolls
                                                        Car­bon copies, cardboard homes

And paper mache walls.
Disappointing, fake, humanoid clones.

To you I am the quiet one
I barely say a word
I am unobtrusive and reserved
Never insisting to be heard

To them I am loud
Opinionated and strong
With a laugh loud and boisterous
And a smile that's never gone

To her I am hateful
And though, personally, we've not met
She hates me, can't stand me
The sight of me fills her with upset

To him I am beautiful
To him I am ugly
To him I am mother
How do you see me

I am what you believe
I am what you see
I am that girl who is
All you think me to be

Moving on feels a lot like forgetting you existed with me
And finding creative ways to exclude you from a story.

Growing up feels a lot like consequences from old actions
And finally getting around to kicking bad habits.

Reaching dreams feels a lot like stress and pain
And doing every job for a spare bit of change.


Educating myself feels a lot like wasting time
And looking for interests I know I won't find.


Self-healing feels a lot like strategic avoidance
And re-bottling things how the therapist thinks is best.

Maturity feels a lot like a looser tongue and desperation
And emptying onto someone in hopes that they'll understand.

Living feels a lot like survival by and of those least fit to
And pretending I've got it sorted until someone tells me that I do.

I laugh at all your jokes
Am I obvious yet?
I smile whenever you appear
Am I obvious yet?
I make you breakfast, lunch, and desserts
Am I obvious yet?
I you want it, I'll buy it
Am I obvious yet?
I'm never satisfied until I've made you smile
Am I obvious yet?
I'm always on your side
Am I obvious yet?
There's nothing more beautifully heartbreaking than when you cry
Am I obvious yet?
When you're offended, I fight
Am I obvious yet?
When you need company, I talk to you all night
Am I obvious yet

If not, please explain
How I can be more plain
With the way I express emotion
To give you some notion
Of the answer for everything I do
Which, somehow, you still have no clue
Which forces me to convey what I've always knew
*Look, I really like you!

She's been running longer than I
On this dark, dilapidated road
And you, longer than her
Covered in deep, deep potholes.

And if the night should take you
While you jog just ahead of she,
She will write your eulogy
And continue ahead of me.

But I will not shed a tear
Though, on this road, I will stop
And fling myself into the nearest pothole
And smile until I collide with the rocks.

And when my marathon has ended
She will show me the same respect she did you
But her feet will not cease moving
She will see her marathon through.

And if the night should take you
It's fitting only she will survive
Because you begat me and her
Yet life has yet to dim her heart and eyes.

Oh, if the night should take you
Understand, I would not care
As the bitter, bitter memories
Are simply buried just under here.

And though I would not survive without you
It's more a means of self-defense:
I'd rather slit my own throat
Than return to live with him.

If the night should take you
Mother dearest, mother hated of mine
Just as you promised me
When I spoke of suicide:

I will go with you
You will not be rid of me long
Come heaven or hell or nothingness
I will come quickly along.

You cried.
Your eyes were red and misty and
I was guilty; it was my fault but
I thought you were beautiful then.

You cried.
Without shame and unabashedly
And I was torn between comforting you
Or committing the sight to memory.

You cried.
Though I've seen little emotion on your face
I'm **** well sure I've never felt awe
To see anyone cry without any sort of grace.

You cried.
Somehow, that inspired me to write.
You cried.
And instantly made a friend of me for life.

I get low sometimes thinking
We aren't and never will be the same
But then we get to talking
We remember all the good times
And I remember why I fell in love

In love with your smile
In love with your eyes
In love with laugh
In love with everything you'll ever be
In love with what you are to me

I'm in love when you're angry
Sad
Happy
Confused
Amused
I don't care

Because when I remember just what we've been through
I remember why I always have and will love you.

They walked loudly through the forest
Never questioning from where they came
Never wondering of where they would go
And the forest was pristine and bustling with life
And the universe was silent.

They hungered once and grew weapons to sate them
Never remembering what the forest was
Never thinking of what they would make it
And the forest was red and quiet and furious
And the universe was silent.

They shivered in the rain and set the trees alight for heat
Never caring for the creamated land and animals
Never seeing the barren gounds they left behind
And the forest was empty and dead
And the universe was silent.

They starved and ripped at each other until they were dead
Never ceasing even when the pain was unbearable
Never beginning to see sense or regain their logic
And the forest was no longer a forest and they were no more
And the universe was silent.

May 27, 1997, a little girl was born
She gave a disdainful gaze at all there was to see
Silent, she balled her fists and closed her eyes;
That was the last place she wanted to be.

Over the years she found existence fleeting
Fourteen years later, she was only half free.
She screamed until she could breathe again
As that was the last place she want to be.

August 26,2013 she saw him
And she met her shortly and finally, finally breathed
And she smiled and laughed and loved
And that was the only place she wanted to be.

October 7, 2014 she heard a bad joke
And no one laughed until she believed
And she cried until she was numb because
There was no place she'd ever wanted to be.

December 22, 2014 she sits and stares at nothing
She presses her fingers to her neck and feels her heartbeat
With a sigh, she acknowledges she's living life
And this is the last place she wants to be.

The world is filled with hedonists
Laughing and making merry.
The world is learned by nihilists
With the weight of the world to carry.

You see a point to the daily routine
Your infinite repeated steps reek of death.
You feel your goals are closer than they last seemed
Only ten billion eighty-three thousand steps left.

I view the larger picture,
Work on a bigger scale
This planet means nothing,
Our lives are inane, this galaxy as well.

Every day my eyes open they close once more
Every breath I take is a penance, a punishment
Every day I wake up is an endless chore
Every memory I make means as little as the last meant.

But the world is filled with hedonists
They enjoy the idiocy of life.
The world is filled with idealists
Who feel the "prize" is in sight.

I will see him tomorrow
And we will restore the status quo
Because I can't sort through the mess in my head
Can't find a topic that won't let the worry show.

I will see him tomorrow
And this heartbroken poetry will cease
Because I'm better at controlling what I want
When it's physically in my reach.

I will see him tomorrow
And I'll see her image hazily beside him
And I'll put down my metaphorical sword
Because it's not a fight I can win.

I will see him tomorrow
And my heart will see them both together
But I won't say a single undue word
Won't even ask if he's doing better.

I will see him tomorrow
Like nothing ever went wrong
And I will wrap my arms around him
And remember his favorite songs.

I will see him tomorrow
But I will not break down and cry
Because, beyond the hurt, I understand
The ever-present want to die.

I will see him tomorrow
And, my previous poems be ******,
I'll keep my mouth, heart, and mind shut
As I cope the only way I can.

I will see him tomorrow
And reach out for another
Because I never had and I never will have
The right to claim or tether.

I will see him tomorrow
And I won't speak of Summer or Fall
I'll remain detached though I am not
Though I'm not calm or collected at all.

I will see him tomorrow
And she will not be there in person
And I will not yearn or reach for either
If only because I love them.

I could drown in this silence
It washes like a wave in me.
I could write a book on this silence
I bury my mind into it deeply.

I could paint a picture of this laugh
It's horizons and purples and soft pinks.
I could paint a picture of this laugh
It's a warm home on the porch with soft drinks.

I could act out a play on these songs
They're sleep and rest and life and joy.
I could act out a play on these songs
They're calm and open and all I look for.

I could build a mosaic of these words
Little drops of sunlight and constellations.
I could build a mosaic of these words
Unknown places on long vacations.

I could find my muse in this place
Inspiration and frustration meet and part ways.
I could find my muse in this place
Creativity and contentment meet and stay.

I'm lonliest when my skin touches the bed
I want company most when the pillow cradles my head
I'm most desperate when the lights are low
And the space behind my eyes is blank as snow.

I want to talk more often at night
When all my contacts are asleep till daylight.
I'm impressionable, supple, at the sight of the moon
When all I do wait for the next day's noon.

I want touch more often before dawn
A lover to lay with, to sing disgusting love songs.
I'm more unstable before the sun shines
And I roll in bed to find nothing, expecting one of my kind.

I'm obsessive when the dark of night falls
And I nurture my obsessions as I wait for a call.
I'm irrational, illogical, when the sun's down
I turn my body to the wall and wait for any sound.

I'm at my worst, here in bed, tonight
With no one to hold, to clutch and call mine
I'm broken, shattered, in the moonlight
While the rest of Earth mutters their 'goodnight's

He is fall and she is summer
Calm and hot and colorful
Beautifully ethereal
Warm down to the atoms
In my bones.

He is fall and she is summer
And they've been new for centuries
Oxymoronic and lovely and
Warm down to the atoms
In my bones.

He is fall and she is summer
And people like them don't exist
Just a figment of realistic imaginings
Warm down to the atoms
In my bones

And there is no rhyme nor reason
And there is no word or articulation
And I cannot describe or indicate
And I cannot understand or make sense

But they are warm
Down to the atoms
In my bones.

When I acknowledged
My interest
She revealed her's to me.

I was terrified
But happy
And worried for her sanity.

She deserves much better
So I
Aspire to be more.

She scared me with
Her disregard
Of her own life.

Every day I wondered
If she'd still
Be here tomorrow.

the cool pressure of the deep
presses down around her
the fish are her friends
the water is her home
beautiful princess
who lives in the sea
not quite alien
but new to humanity
naive and reckless
she swims so free
may she never be touched
by earth's depravity
innocent and loving
she swims away
and she will return again
every single day
she'll frolic, she'll play
until the sun leads her away
beautiful princess
who lives for the day

We don't really speak anymore
But we're okay; I swear we're okay.
We aren't broken yet
Just a little bit bent
With some duct tape and glue
We'll be back to new again.
Don't turn away yet
Give me some time to regroup
And find the motivation
To drag us up out of the blues.
I'm not trying my best
But I sincerely want to
After five years we're put to the test
And if we fail, I know we'll be through.
But, devil take it, I still love you.
You're my sister in every way that counts
And without you, where would I be now?
You're my anchor and the beginning of my past
And I'll be ****** if I can't make this last.
When I was more than ready to **** myself
You were my lifeline,you gave me help
And now our bond's fading away
But as long as we aren't broken
We can fix this someday.

I'm ready to leave now
This is the last of the poetry
That'll ever go from me to you
Cuz I'm better than you'll ever be
And now I am through.

I hope it felt good
When you broke me down
Because I've been made anew
And I run this town
And I'm so done with you.

So when you see the poems
I wrote with you in mind
Remember this is the last one
And I'm leaving you behind
It's been (Hell) fun.

I'm all sad poems and broken songs
It figures it's my birthday
I'm panic attacks and sleepless nights
And all the words I won't say.

Things should be normal, shouldn't they?
Things should be okay; it's my birthday.

Seventeen isn't going the way it should
Can I have another try?
Seventeen isn't right, right now
Somebody hit rewind.

Things should be fine today
Things should be right; it's my birthday.

Nothing revolves around my birth
I know that, I swear I do
But all I asked was to be happy
When the day was through.

Things aren't right, are they?
Even though it's my birthday.

Seventeen began with listless apathy
Seventeen began with broken promises
Seventeen began with fake smiles and laughs
Seventeen began with hurt friends.

Seventeen may go away
I don't want it here.
Seventeen isn't what I like
I'll try again next year.

Until then I'll be wondering
How seventeen began so wrong
It's my birthday, today
I'm all sad poems and broken songs.

I'll get back to you
In a second, in a minute, in a day, in a month
I'll return your call
Remind me ten times, five times, two times, once
I'm not safe for the public
Not today, not tomorrow, not two days from now
I'm not good at friendship
Ask me when, ask me where, ask me why, ask me how.

But in half a decade
I'll want you once, want you twice, want you a hundred times
Wait on me six years
I'll be loving, I'll be sweet, I'll be adoring, I'll be kind.
Forget me completely
I'll chase you ten, twenty, five hundred miles
Treat me meanly
I'll grovel, I'll plead, I'll beg for a smile.

Ignore my words
I'll panic, I'll shudder, I'll crave your attention
Shower me in love
I'll sneer, I'll scoff, I'll hate your affection.
Beg me home
You may bite my dust, kiss my ***, send me west
Leave me alone
I'll ***** myself out, love you down, bite your neck.

Bittersweet lime-flavoured love
An apparition, a ghost, a face I think of
A mere shadow without definition or name
A hopefulness for the fulfilment of why I came.
Stretching into the ghetto of my mind
Is a body, a shape, a stencil of who may be mine
Reaching against the wicked hands of time
Yet never grasping; a drop of sugar, a cup of lime

Down on my knees with my hands clasped tight in prayer
And my will alone shakes the foundation, yet no one appears
Errant tendrils of loneliness grip at my rotting soul and heart
And the rejection, and the hurt, and the hope tears me apart.
I am now a sinister, cynical shell of who I used to be
And I plead, I beg the monotony to set me free
As I am suffocating on the slimmest sliver of a wish
My head turned upwards, lips waiting for a kiss.

Whether love, or like, or grudging intimacy
So be it, for I need it, and whatever else it may be
Thus, I will wait by the water's edge where the waves are violent
I'll wait at the volcano's peak, before it erupts, when all is quiet.
I'll hang to a fraying rope placed miles above solid ground
I'll stand at the edge of a tall building and dizzy myself looking down
Until someone, or something, arrives from somewhere to extend my time
Until the taste finally fades: a drop of the sweetest sugar, a cup of bitter lime.

Crimson and thick
Down my fingertips
With a coppery smell
Drip, drip

Oops, oops
I cut to deep
Oops, Oops
I bleed

Mommy, go away
I don't need your help; not today
I know I hurt myself
Go away, go away

Oops, Oops
I'm fading, can't see
Oops, Oops
I bleed

Drown me in a sea
Of your affection
Raise me on a cloud
And send me in any direction

Hold me in your arms
Chase away the nightmares
Release me into joy
In a land of light with no fear

And I'll hold you
I'll love you more than I thought I could
I'll see this relationship through
I'll love you just the way I should
I'll keep you closer
Than I ever thought you'd be
And we'll stay this way
For blissful eternity

Show me all the little things
That I would never notice alone
Present me to the outdoors
Then take me back home

Fly me to ethereal realities
And watch me explore them like a child
Take me where you wish me to be
Reveal my true self: free and wild

And I'll hold you
I'll love you more than I thought I could
I'll see this relationship through
I'll love you just the way I should
I'll keep you closer
Than I ever thought you'd be
And we'll stay this way
For blissful eternity

And we'll stay this way
For blissful eternity...

Build this structure block by block
He was intriguing, infinitely appealing,
Building his way to the quiet peace of the top.

Build this city block by block
He was outspokenly subdued, a mystery to grip to
A tower, a steady force, a rock.

Build this utopia block by block
He was terrific, immaculately deific,
Captivating in the only way humans are not.

Build this Elysium block by block
Oh, I think you know him not, I think you may be all talk,
These palace gates will ever remain locked.

Build this friendship block by block
Oh, I think I know him not, oh I know I can't run nor walk,
But I am certain I want to be caught.

That one decision could inspire hope,
I never thought, I never knew; I hadn't the slightest clue,
This is what saved me; how I cope.

I'll build this life block by block
Thank you, I was on the edge, I was through,
Block by simple block until time finally stops.

Blood parchment, blood parchment
You're screaming and smiling
You're living but dying
Red stains, copper scent
Won't go, never went
You're not even trying
You're always lying
You aren't broken, you're bent.

Crumpled papers, ripped shreds
You're smiling, your hurt
You're killing yourself like this
You're caught up in your head
Just wishing you were dead
I hope you never get your wish.

I've never believed you could absorb someone's energy
But I'd like to try it with you.
Open a vein, slit an artery
Drink you blood, your essence, through.

I want to crack your skull, delicately, thinly
See the wonders that brain of yours hides
I want to open your chest, rip your ribs apart
And study the workings of your insides.

Gripping to you is the best workout I've ever tried
Because you're slippery, elusive, when I've got a hold
Returning to water when I thought I had ice.

I've developed an emotional carpal tunnel over the years
My hands are leather hard and my knuckles bleed
And it hurts so much it brings me to my knees; to tears.

I've never let go though; the day I saw you was the day I--
The moment I saw you was the moment I knew I--
The words that elude me now will be said when you're mine.

I've found pity in the eyes of every person I've confided to
Which I can't stand because you've never been anything short of,
Never been anything wrong, the best thing I've been through.

There's a strain on my muscles from holding onto hope this way
My shoulders are ever-tense, my back bowed under the weight
And I'm vulnerable in this position, but come what may.

I'm not fool enough to pledge to emotions for you with a common phrase
But should you ever return everything I've yet to say, yet to accept
I would gladly accept a loss of commonsense, would gladly change my ways.

I hurt through the day, yet it is no matter, I hurt through the night too
But the pain may be worth it in a decade, or less, as I hope
For a day when I can without fear whisper, scream, say, "I-        ."

Until then, my knuckles may bleed red until I'm dry and dead.
Until then, my hands may harden to rock until they fall off.
Until then, my body may hurt and ache but I will wait for the day.

I like your personality
I like the way you smirk
I like the way you dance
I like your little, cute quirks

But I like your body more
I'm a shallow, callous girl
I like the way you move
Won't you take me for a twirl?

I like those body rolls
I like the way you sway
I like the way you gyrate
God, I ******* crave

The body
Your body
Your abs are so illegal
The body
Your body
That voice you have is lethal

I want you to rock me
Don't cuddle me
This isn't a romance
I want to move through me
Use me
I want to dance

With your body
With you
With that smirk you have
Just us two

And this is how it goes
I want you to rock me
I'm a shallow, callous girl
And I'm attracted to your body.

*** and cigarettes and bad decisions stained into bedsheets
A good idea gone rogue in a moment by the chase and retreat
Words bitten off before they emerge and a sudden sense of regret
The ins and outs and turns and twists confined to breakup ***.

What feels good can't hurt you until its not good anymore
Reality doesn't touch the bedroom until someone opens the door
Grasping to skin like it's what we had and reluctantly letting go
The push and pull of dumb ideas and a lack of self control.

An awkward smile all the while thinking that this was a mistake
A peck of a kiss, barely a touch of the lips, and sanity far too late
Stains on the skin that the shower can't wash, they've soaked down to bone
The knowledge that gasps and quiet laughs doesn't mean we aren't gone.

*** and cigarettes and bad decisions stained into bedsheets
A good idea gone rogue in a moment by the chase and retreat
Words bitten off before they emerge and a sudden sense of regret
The ins and outs and turns and twist confined to breakup ***.

Though none of those who should know me have
Shown any indication that they see
Though those with whom I should be safe
Have never spared the time of day on me
I come to them broken now
I come knowing they may never read
I come to them shattered, beaten down
And this is my plea:

Save me, save me
Don't save me, please
I've lived and loved
And none of it came free

Hold me, hold me
Don't hold me at all
I've cried and tried
To break my own fall

And it's now that they open their eyes
And yet, they do not see
But it's now that I've had enough
Of survival and surviving
I'm ready to stop my heart
I'm prepared, never again, to sing
I'm ready to still my hand
And this is my plea:

Love me, love me
Don't love me, I beg
Until my blood is cold
And the last nail is in my coffin

Forgive me, I'm sorry
Don't accept my apologies
Or read the letter I will write
In the dawn of the morning

It is now that I consider how
Best to spare myself pain
Who will attend my funeral and
Who will attend my wake
It is now that I contemplate
The shock of the unfortunate
Who may find my lifeless body
Long after I've sent myself away.

I will not beg for a savior
I do not require pity
I will not be persuaded to stay here
Not in the country, suburbs, or city
I will not think on those who will hurt
For what I've decided or the words I've spoken
I am shattered irreparably
I will leave as I came: broken.

I can't sleep on my back
As you've whipped it raw
And before you left
You told me
If I told your wife
If I told my mother
You'd **** me

Mommy, Mommy
I'd like to die
I can't sleep on my back
All I ever do is cry

Because everything hurts
When Father hits me hard
And when you leave for work
Help is much too far

So I take the beatings
And wait for the end
I treat others how I'm treated;
I wait with knife in hand

He enters with a hammer
You're asleep in your room
The knife is in my waistband
Someone will die soon

I run to your room
And I wake you, yelling
And you hold him back
For the first time since this began

And we leave two days later
Never to see him again.

Burn her at the stake
She speaks up for herself
Throw her off a cliff
She'll fall through the ground, to hell

Burn her, she's too outspoken
She questions society
Burn this ****** witch
Lest others follow her lead.

Burn her, burn her, burn her!
From blood, to bone, to ash
Burn her, burn her, burn her!
Rebellious piece of trash
Burn her, burn her, burn her!
Not even her teeth will remain
Burn her, burn her, burn her!
Until normalcy is regained

Burn her at the stake
Because she won't submit
Burn her at the stake
Until she lives how we like it

Burn her at the stake
Shun her until her day to die
Burn her at the stake
We want to hear her fry

Burn her, burn her, burn her!
From blood, to bone, to ash
Burn her, burn her, burn her!
Rebellious piece of trash
Burn her, burn her, burn her!
Not even her teeth will remain
Burn her, burn her, burn her!
Until normalcy is regained

And should any choose to walk her way
Well see to it they perish
We live out lives in constant fear
That they'll come to their senses

And should any choose to walk her way
We'll see to it they perish
We live our lives in constant fear
That they'll come to their senses

Burn her, burn her, burn her!
From blood, to bone, to ash
Burn her, burn her, burn her!
Rebellious piece of trash
Burn her, burn her, burn her!
Not even her teeth will remain
Burn her, burn her, burn her!
Until normalcy is regained

When all I'm doing is enjoying your presence?
When I can't decide whether I want to hear your voice?
When all I'm doing is taking in your appearance
But, to pursue you, I don't plan on making that choice?

This is my version of a crush, I suppose
Subjecting myself to a beautiful Hell
More than ready to be led by the nose
Breaking off bits of my heart for you to sell

I'm not looking for love in this
Just someone to sympathize
And then I'll wonder why I didn't get you
When I never even tried.

I picked up four of your books
From the room of my late best friend
He taught me to enjoy reading poetry
Instead of just writing it.

He told me he liked my poems
I was second next to you.
I was reading your poetry
When he hung himself to "Hallelujah."

I don't enjoy your work the way he did
But I keep and read your books all the same
Because he saw something in your work
So I'll search until I find it as well.