i tell myself
to stop relying on people so often.
but i have always been good
at rebelling,
even against myself.
even if,
very rarely,
i know what’s good for me.
i pin my hopes on people’s promises,
even if my doubts
far outweigh
my beliefs.
but there is a part of me
that trusts too easily,
that hopes too much,
that relies so desperately,
with the desire that perhaps,
one day,
there will be someone
who follows through.
it has been years,
and i am still waiting.
i have been let down,
forgotten,
disappointed,
ignored,
abandoned,
left behind,
and i know it is time to close myself up.
but it is so difficult.
and it is very lonely.
i hate myself,
the part of me
that trusts,
that hopes,
that relies.
because even after
all of the tears
that made me feel as if
i was drowning,
even after
uneven gasps of air
that never seemed to reach my lungs,
and even after
trembling fingers, like violent earthquakes,
dig into my skin enough to draw blood,
i sit here,
with my doubts and my uncertainty,
with my misplaced trust
and my absurd hopes,
still waiting
for you
to keep your promise
for the first time.