You want me to be happy
For me to smile genuinely
And laugh whole-heartedly
But my face freezes
Each time I see myself
In the reflection
Of the night-cast window
And I think to myself

You want me to be happy
I know, I want it too
But I can’t fit back into
That personality
That’s shrunk in the wash
I can’t figure out if I lost you
Or I’m losing you
Or if I’m losing myself

We’re not all on the same dose of love, you know
Some people need it more than others
And some have learned to live with less

I was reflected over the x-axis
And then translated into the third quadrant
All negative coordinates
On my three vertices

New start in a small town
Pulled apart by foreign eyes
Not like when I disappeared
Into the chaos of crowds

Grew intimate with a tease
Underneath a microscope
All being introduced too soon
Bore the promises of deceit

Paused the mainstream music
Needed to get out of this party
Didn’t need a ******* to leave with
Not drunk enough to lose myself

Drove home silently along lit roads
Careful to turn off headlights
Before approaching driveway
Turned off my buzzing phone

You’re my best friend
Always a time of transition
I was in the last year
Of my second decade

I said goodbye
To young adult fiction
Read some classic thrillers
And plays to readjust
My ripening brain

Met someone I’d probably
Never see again
Didn’t get his last name
Only a distant memory

I was surprised when someone
In Las Vegas
Had never been to New York

And how I wanted to go
To Paris
Like the scale of excitability
Was a sliding one

Thank you for giving me time
To ready myself
Before heading abroad
You always look out for me

Ideas grow like weeds
Cicadas chirping loudly
Radio spies and cerulean skies

Makes rain shout
But doesn’t calm voices down

Too many tubes of paint
Smearing across the creases
Into a new hue of brown

White clouds begin to deepen
The beast underneath the skin itches
Scratching brings relief
Only for a few seconds

Lights on and off
Can’t decide if tiredness
Dawns because of life
Or of sleep

Energy of a battery
Juiced up for an era
Stillness an enemy
Thoughts a plethora

Costly daily rituals
Ended with a wild escape

Luminous thunderstorms
Don’t have sadness inside
Learn from their naivete
Take their advice

-Actually, he is not good for you
-Why? I like him
-Not young, older than you
-Six years difference, not much

-Forget it, there are other people
-Who is more interesting than him?
-Didn’t think my heart would hurt
-Being friends with you is happy enough