We walk through the shadows
You will not hold my hand
Stubbornness is a thorn in your side
And a whip on my face
It smarts, as only words can
I think that I know better in my finite wisdom
You will not even look beyond the fogged glass before your eyes
I am no better
I cannot cleanse myself of my sins
They bite at my ankles and nip at my heels
When I look for rest they find me where none should go
It is in the foolishness of my own steps that they have followed
I have made the way
The blame is upon me
For my shoulders bear my own coat and not that of another
I am humble in my namelessness that you would call upon me
What is this to be known
And more so to answer with a voice that is so young in its speaking that her tongue crawls between the ivory of her teeth
This resent has made a home in me
I let the door open for light to come in
This has not come to pass
Now I act, on a halfhearted hinge
That I could usher in a hope
That will light itself within
Stubborn as I am in my plight
If only I was so strongly pressed in my foolish wanderings

A house poem

I am overflowing!
In but an instant, I am empty
Drained
And the water pours out my eyes
Like a river in spring
I watch them go
No part of me tries to pull them back
I sit on the ground
For my legs will not hold me
Their strength has left with my tears

If only I could lay in the earth
Let her swallow me up!
I am not bitter
This is not sweet
I do not even bite the inside of my cheek, or the back of my hand
Just letting that thing in my chest
That has been quiet all my life, ache
There is hope
But it is not in me
I will mourn, with all my heart
So this is loss?

It goes so much deeper than I thought it could.

We just let the days run through
Marking them good and bad
We wait, crossed legged on the floor
For the next opportunity
As it peeks in shyly through the window
Waiting for us to fall asleep
So it can slip into out dreams
Just to give us a taste of tomorrow
In it's impatience to find us

We bloom every spring
But the winter is still hard

Maybe one of us writes greater than the other
Yet we feel no deeper
We are all just at the bottom
Scrambling for the words to fill the cracks in ourselves
Telling the others
That's how the light gets in

My mind is manspreading

I do not need to walk this way again
To feel the same things I have felt for an eon and a half in these last four years
Time will never stop for me, she just drags me along by my hair
I can pull up this feeling, as quickly as one snaps their fingers
Maybe it has never left me, and in this I must be alone
My mind, she belongs to no one, she is stubborn and pays no rent
It is a rare thing to have unbinary thoughts in a binary world
If the standard is yours, then I can have no part
You wish you had hands to hold the wholeness of the world
Yet you have no faith, no trust, in a world that has always held you
I cannot help but wonder if I still linger under your skin, trying to find a way to your head
Since you have never took a leaving of mine

She was an origami girl
Something you could fold in the palm of your hands
Slip into your pocket
And just forget about

She was a paper mache girl
Someone you could wrap in layers and layers
Until you couldn't tell what was truly underneath
You would leave her out to dry
But the sun warmth never touched her center

She was a paper airplane girl
Something you set free to the air
Falling again and again
Until you lost interest

She was a paper doll girl
Lacking depth and emotion
Pressed flat between pages
Just an open book
For you to tell a story you thought was fitting

She was not paper
And she was not string
She was a just girl
Oh what a beautiful thing

You saw the darkness coming
Though it had never found a home in you
The sweetness of his words
Did nothing to mask the bitternes of his heart
And a touch that was as unexpected as it was unwelcome

A little part of my heart is broken for you
Things things I have heard
Things I have seen
And those I have felt, for myself and for those I hold dear
Told with a courage that should not of had to be mustered
You are so brave
And my spirit goes out to you
That you would find comfort
Even as your will, that has  been acted upon by another
That has no right
No say
In the beauty of your spirit
Or the making of your mind

Our hands clasped together
As if they were storm clouds deciding
Now was a good time to begin the rain
Fear pushed us together
It is only fitting that she should pull us apart
The storm came down
We had been warned
When you know a broken heart is coming
Doesn't make the breaking any easier

The lighting struck
I began my undoing
My thread count dwindling
Down to four or five strands that you could loop between your teeth
As you pulled the words off your tongue
Sewing them into my hands with a needle like point

This is leaving
No.
This is being left
I was a swinging door to you
All that mattered was that my hinges were oiled
It never mattered if the locks were working
Because you broke locks even when I gave you the key
When you couldn't break the lock you broke the door
So I let you kick it in
Because the trembling of my hands was for the thought;
That if you didn't break the door
Then you would of broke me

The storm reigns on
It's always raining in my head
When you tell me it's just a little water
It's not that I'm afraid of getting wet
I just can't fathom drowning in someone else's depths
That their salty tears would run down my face as if I were a windowpane
I cannot feel for you
What you will not even watch me go through

The storm rages on
My feet are wet
I stand barefoot in puddles
I would knock on your door
You would answer
To have the pleasure of slamming the door in my face
It would be the same as if you had slapped me  
I turn the other cheek
Until I have the courage to turn away
Because walking in the rain
At least it washes everything away

We were just two birds
Taking up space in between the yellow lines on the pavement

Relationships can be an anchor or your wings
It all depends if you are learning to float or fly
It be one with ocean
Or to touch the sky

I am just alot right now
Yet never am I you
For what I lack without
I can do without too

You cratered into me
And it pushed me into orbit
As though I had never seen the sun this way
Never seen the stars
I was moved
As only a young heart can be

I went out to the storms
Tried to gather them in
But they would not listen
They were to loud in their living
And I, to quiet in my plea

I should be sleeping

You're so utterly soft
It is a comfort
Like a blanket of snow
On a sleeping village

No one
Has ever let me
Feel like this
And just let me, let it go
Without letting me go
It is so beautiful
That even when
You are apart from me
I feel your hands
Cradling my heart
The only one
To let me fall apart
But not let
A single thing break

It does nothing for me to cry
Still, I do it anyway
I'm stubborn like that

It will all be well in the morning
It will all be well
Until the darkness sneaks up on me
Again
Just as I was about to breathe

The saltiness in my bed
Between these crisps
My tears
And everything in my head
It's almost the flavor of an ocean

You told me to talk to you
I am distant even from myself
Do you know how long it would take to get there
And then go all the way back to you

It is good to cry
But not when you have forgotten how to laugh

You would of wanted me
If you had needed something good in your life
You just wanted flowers with thorns
Because you were sold on the idea that roses were the most beautiful of flowers
You had never taken the time to smell sunflowers
Too busy plucking petals that can't even talk
She loves me
She loves me not
Crushing life with your hands
She loves me
She loves me not

It's not my eyes I need to rest
But my heart

Peace for me
Is like finding water in the desert

My vanity a cup
Not a drop in it
My pride will not let me pour that much of myself out
I lost to much before
To give up even a taste now

I always wanted more
Just to give you more
Yet I am torn
There is nothing to me
That I would not give
If I knew you needed it

It's as if I stayed awake just to be sad in the dark

You were rich in wonderment
As are many beginnings
Slowly the pennies fell out of your pockets
This is the way many things have gone
I will follow
Though with stubborn footsteps

The shadows are the same size
Your eyes have just become more adept

We just set our clocks for the day
And hope that the nighttime
Doesn't drip right into our eyes
As quickly as the day is unwound

You have fallen through the heavens
It seems no one could bear to tell you
That time holds you in her cupped hands
Somehow you found a way
To slip through her fingers, like water
On you go, a way you do not know
You made a way on your own
I did not know such a thing could be done
You have expanded my horizons
In but an instant
It seems as if I could run across the dessert in a day
I seek mirages in my sleep
Counting my dreams like change in my pockets
A penny for your thoughts
At a dollar a minute
I muster two cents for an answer
You would barted your soul I think
For just a taste of tomorrow, today
At what price though
That your time layered in the stratosphere
Would be shaved just a little thinner
The angels would scoff at such
One day though I shall make them laugh
I have guardians
They all have wings
Yet between the six of us
Only two hands
So I must fold my days and tuck them away
Some days, they smell like warm summer
They feel like comfort of the sun on my face
Others are a deep, dark fabric
Woven with a sturdy mind and threaded with little pieces of spite
Yet every now, or now and again
I pack up a little trinket of today
It tastes like fresh air on the first day of a hopeful spring
With just a little bit of rain
Washing away the worries of the world
Oh that I could cling to this
But as I love her
I let her go

I just want to put my hand over your mouth
Stiffle the stupidity as it streams out of your head
Maybe I am just bitter
Time changes things
But a rotten core is good for only swine
The fruit does not fall from the trees
You came back for the truth
It draws you in
But too close
And at what expense
You would light a fire
Yet you have no fear of flames
The apprehension tingles on my tongue and courses through my senses
I pick my words as though they were flowers in full bloom
As sweet as honey
Oh how I wish they would sting
For what is this mess you make of things
Just turning over soil when you could be planting crops
The nuts have been gathered
By those that will devour them with the hunger of a winter
If only I knew how to wait out the storm
I clasp my hands together but they will not clamp
The desperation beads on my forehead and slips into my mind
Salty thoughts and a foolish tongue
Must it be bound behind my teeth
When I would lash it against you like a whip
I want it to sting
That you would turn your foolish head in shame
For your pride carries everywhere you go
You will come to find me
I will be ready
But not waiting
The foolish feet that carry you
Have many lessons to be learned
You will look at me with eyes of desire
And I will burn you alive with the fire behind my eyes
Just to give you a glimpse
Of what is waiting for you
Just one gate away

I just didn't know how to convince you that you were beautiful
So I just kept telling you
Every day
As the sun shines, so do you

I am not afraid to close my eyes
It's just that
I'm scared when I do open them again
Maybe I will see something different
Something looking back at me

How can I not cry
When your words honor a broken soul
This humility is a kindling
I thank you for your fire
As you thank me for my words
Tomorrow will remember this
As beautiful as today has learned it

I gave up to the eternal
The only thing I ever wanted for myself

I gave up you.

Now the tears on the threshold are dry
Not so the stains on my soul

If I could learn to give of myself
I would give it up to you

I lay in my bed
Maybe my fingers a bit cold
The warmth of the body next to me
It only goes so far
Maybe warming my whole arm
Most of my leg
And enough through my side to reach my bellybutton, but that's about it
I have bad circulation
Yet the thoughts in my head get around just fine
I am hesitant to wrap my fingers around yours
Shy in the dark
So I settle for just one single lock of hair
It can't be more that thirty strands
Still it is thirty pieces of you I can't do without
I think quietly to myself
Maybe love isn't falling
It's laying.
Laying down next to another
Listening to them breathe in the dark
Its a pace
With no moving
Just a chest rising and falling and sheets dancing along
Just two warmths in an emptiness
That could of been filled alone
It isn't chaotic
It's quiet and peaceful and if you were afraid of the dark atleast you're not afraid alone
I'm shy in the dark
Maybe it's the moonlight on your skin
Coming through the window
I stayed awake just to see it dance on your face
But I'm shy in the dark
Even though I know it so well

It was as if you were my broken heart
How did you know to be everything that I felt
Yet what am I with you
That I am not without
We mourn in our hearts for the earth when she loses a beautiful soul
Still spring comes each year
Only to birth flowers that will fade into the soil
Yet if our pockets are full so quickly do we wipe away our tears
As quickly as the petals face the sun

While you were not in season
It would be a lie born on my lips to say you were not my reasoning
I have buried these things in my stomach with a heavy heart
Why do these fleeting thoughts weigh so much
I am a fool to carry them with me to all the places that I know
Cursing the ground as I walk that they know the way so well

What delusion is this that I would find comfort in that which brings me pain
I bear all things
For what
It brings me no honor to be a wallflower
This is my folly to keep the seat I have for you in my heart warm
This trickle of time will soon be a current and we are swept up in our worries as never before
Oh when things were simple
Between you and I
If only I had lived my life in those days
These regrets are nothing
This shame like a burn from the sun on my face

How I carry on now
With my face to the ground
A wanderers plight
A restless soul
I have exiled myself in my own way
I have no courage to find my way back
The familiarity burns into me
Even as this day dies before my eyes

When tomorrow comes
My feet hit the dirt long after the rising of the sun
I will walk the way I have gone before
Though still I hope one day
It will lead me back to you
I know I am walking in circles
That's just what broken hearts do
With nothing to feed this hope
I walk in circles, trying to find you

If only you had been as obsessed with the truth as you had been with telling me how honest you are

Sigh

I can pour myself into the world
Since you have run over in me

Be silent.
They told me
Be quiet.
They yelled in my face

Yet try as they might to bind my hands
Shackle my ankles
And put their hand over my mouth

An indignant smile irks them nearly as much that a sweet word from my lips

Such is the way with those who have a bitter taste in their hearts

Is your humility a crown or a carpet

In this infinite you have wrought moments
I run circles in my head, this is how I know the way back to you so well
What is complexity, but understanding that I have not yet grasped
I have failed, and this is life
And I am fallen, yet if a rising can be made then their is no shame in such

Falling through the endless void
Yet the darkness, while empty, if it can contain me
Let it hold all things even as it let's me go
This light behind my eyes
A spark, a flame, a childish existence
Where is the fault
Will the blame rest upon me
Or upon the soil you bury your secrets in
I wander, as do my thoughts
And in the back of my mind
I turn these thoughts over
As if they were restless in their grave
As devout as you make yourself to be
Your prayers have fallen on deaf ears
Am I a little wonder?
To those who lack wonderment
You are blind, so you see with your hands
Why then do you withhold your fingers from my skin?
I am not beyond your grasp, but you let me slip away
Still I see the tears in your eyes
Even as you wipe them away with the back of your hand
I clench my jaw.
What is this?
It rises in my chest
Flowing through my arms
To fill clenched hands
Oh anger why do you find me now
I have run from you
Since I was a child
Why do you find me now
Just to catch in the back into my throat
These fingers know old secrets and bitter words
I would pound them into the earth  just so you could know my secrets
Rhythmic.
But even this you would not remember
Even this, a whisper on my tongue
You could not taste

I had my questionings
But little was my reasonings
So I stared
Looking into the depths of your character
I searched, so that things would be made known to me
For their weight in matters was small
But in decisions of my own would alter the course
My wonderment rested upon this
How loud your voice is to upon the ears of those whom  have made mistakes to your knowledge
These mistakes made against the wretches of the world or perhaps your own plight in life
Against the length of silence that you keep within yourself when the mistake is yours alone
Such that you would scream your own soul against those who break your heart or your hand
Yet what are these whispers when you are the one throwing rocks and casting stones