Am i pretty enough?
Do i need to change?
Does my wieght satisfy you?
We are all stuck in an abusive relationship
Because when we free ourselves from society
We are the ones who bring negative words
Whether your beautiful or not someone judges you
Whether it be yourself or
The world we live in
We stay in this abusive relationship becaue
We think theres no way out
And im afraid there's not

Alone in bed she looks around
Afraid of what's to come
The shadows dance along her wall
She hears her daddy hum

Tears fill her eyes she starts to cry
Up out of bed she runs
And locks the door; the **** then turns
And Daddy whispers one

"Don't make me wake your mother up
To tell her you've been bad
Come give Daddy a kiss goodnight-
You're making me very mad"

She turns the key and steps away
And Daddy walks inside
Slowly shutting down again
She crawls inside to hide

Alone inside her little world
She cannot feel the pain
Innocence lost long ago
Left in a ****** stain

Images fly through her mind
First her then Kristy too
Baby Carrie's next in line
Before the night is through

Anger builds around her heart
"Please stop!" she tries to yell
But Daddy's hand is on her neck
He knows she'll never tell

She struggles underneath his wieght
As he removes her shoe
She tries to hit but misses
And Daddy whispers two

His grip on her is tightened
And his fist comes crashing down
She tries to fight unconsiousness
As Daddy rips her gown

He rolls her on her belly
Pulls her close so he won't miss
Then he enters hard and quickly
As he gives her "Daddy's kiss"

The minutes seem like hours
As she opens up her eyes
And she hears the desperation
In her little sister's cries

Daddy thrusts in one more time
Then rolls onto his back
And she just lies there motionless
And awaits his next attack

She looks into her sisters eyes
And reaches out a hand
And little Carrie reaches back
And slowly starts to stand

But Daddy isn't finished yet
And Carrie's pushed aside
He holds her down and spreads her legs
And takes another ride

She falls asleep all bruised and naked
****** and surrounded
By the sisters she had reached for
While her innocence was pounded

14 years of **** and lies
She fall into depression
And suicide is what's to come
Of a childs molestation

3 days later a little body
Washes up on shore
A suicide; her wrists are slit
But the sherrif sees much more

The headlines scream the story
Of a young girls devastation
And the silent screams that go unheard
All throughout the nation

But Kelly's story isn't through
Her secrets now unfold
For she tells them with the bruises
On her body now so cold

Now the lights flash through the windows
And there's people all around
Asking all these questions
But we don't make a sound

Kristy hasn't spoken since they
Told her Kelly died
And I am little Carrie
In a corner I now hide

Handcuffs bind his hands and wrists
The evidence they found
Her body told of the abuse
When Daddy was around

"How many?" Mommy askes of him
"How many and God why?"
And Daddy looks away from her
And Mamma starts to cry

"How many did you do this to?"
And then he looks at me
My green eye bruised the night before
And Daddy whispers "three"

Tear after tear showered down from her eyes
Wishing at that moment she could've flied
Words ran through the air attacking her
People of all ages laughed at her

Sometimes the world gets so unbearable
Trying to survive, trying to be lovable
If you try to be yourself you get rejected
You have to be another person to be accepted
Fake a smile, fake a life, live a lie
People will love you, will cherish your every smile
Being true means you're weak
Being you means you're a freak

She laid down on the ground crying
Alone in this world she was sighing
People walked past her ignoring her tears
Laughed at her, forgetting the she feels
Not because she's different she's not human
She's just a person trying to be a true one
She was living her life according to what she given
Knowing that in the end she had to give in

People are all clones of each other
They all look alike it makes you wonder
Where are all the true people gone?
Is shallowness and materialism a must now?
Her image was not accepted in the society
She had to give in and lose wieght quickly
She couldn't bear the suffery she was going through
She wanted to be happy, wanted something new

At the beggining she cut down her food
She appauled dinner, everything was good
She lost a little weight after days
But that wasnt enough because nothing had changed
She cut down her food a little bit more
Sacrifices had to be made so she'll be adored
Everyday she'd way harself on the scale
Then she'd say "it's not enough, i look like a whale"
Everyone noticed how thin she was getting
But she didnt believe, she said they were lying
The pain inside was still living
Like a tree it was still growing
Made her believe that she was fat
And no matter what she'll always be like she always had
To become thinner she considered food her enemy
She stopped eating and considered exiercise her remedy
She became thinner and thinner everyday
Hoping that the sun will shine on her someday
Days, months and years passed away
In the hospital she lies today
The doctor says there's a big chance she's dying
The little pupils in her eyes go drowning
Everything went wrong when she went further
When all she wanted was to live happier
Unfortunately, happiness didnt make it's way through
Because the tree of pain had already grew
It's covered her sight with it's shadow
She couldnt see the sunshine even if she tried to

People around her were still the same
And deep inside still lived the pain
Nothing could've changed her view of happiness
Unless she decided to erase the loneliness
Now her life is ending and for ever more
She's lost everything, she's lost it all....

Overthinking while i was driving to WalMart, didn't feel good, worried and sad. My life is not good, and been fighting forever to make it good. 

I walked to the store, saw a couple with thier kid putting the stuff in a basket basket, so i thanked God i had a CART. 

heard a kid crying, his mom was shutting his mouth, he wanted a toy, but she couldn't tell him that she didn't have enough money to buy it, cuz he wouldn't understand, so i thanked God i dont have to deal with such a situation. 

Two young couples were trying to find the cheapest diapers, so they have enough money to buy milk for the kid, so i thanked God i am not them. 

A very huge guy was trying to find the best bills for loosing wieght, so i thanked God i never been there.

A young guy was driving the elctronic cart cuz he couldn't walk on his feet, so i thanked God i can.
 
A young girl asked her mom if walmart has mattreses cuz she was tired of sleeping on the couch, so i thanked God i sleep in a mattres. 

People were waiting their names to be called by the pharmasist, so i thanked God am not waiting. 

A man was getting his glass cuz he can't see well, so i thanked God i can see perfectly and i dont have to wear one. 

A customer was yelling at the cashier, and the cashier couldn't say a word to save his job, so i thanked God i am not him. 

A man's card was diclined, mine wasn't. 

A lady and her daughter were waiting for a ride in the cold weather, so i thanked God i had a ride. 

I put the bags in the trunk, and thought of what i saw, i cried and prayed for everyone to be happy, get what they want, and be able to deal with life. 

I don't have what they have, and they don't have what i have, no one is better than the other, but someone is satisfied of what they have, and the other isn't.

We are only siblings with one thing
that connects us at birth is genetics
and chemical DNA
Whilst our spirit, soul and energy
are from worlds away
seperated by will and the cosmic fate
All through life we open up
to accept and forgive
to with truely live
We have our differences
even with or without the X's
Theres still a connectedness
that cant be easily suppressed
The hemoglobin blood tissue flow
is where our DNA grows
We share the droopy lid eyes
and the addictive traits
and personality lies
ankles and feet that cant
wieght or structuraly stand
I idolized you both so now
so now im alot like you both
and myself defined by my
own values, morals and oaths

Sipping Red Wine
With
Disciplined disciples
Dining
With minds alike
Best friends,
Next of kin
I repent
For my sins
Then
Hug my worst enemy
As she
Kisses me
On the cheek...

"Here's my toast,
A final cheer"
I raise
Out my chair
Hold my glass
In the air
Final words spoken
In red
"Momento Mori
Remember the Alive
Soon becomes Dead!"
Lips stained
And wiped
With bread
My Body
And Blood
Portrays
The art
Of Me
Spilling my heart
As I talk
Of My Final walk

Remembered
For ages to come
The pages will turn
As nuns
Thumb
Through my revelations
Revealed
To show my appeal
For
Keeping it rea
lEveryone stands
Clap hands
I give the
Cue to sit
Then
Follow in suit
Before
The crucifix
Suited in an outfit
That helps
My family
Come to grips
With The Final dip
Into oblivion

Rest assure
The rest's assured
With a promised
That God keeps
Strenght
Will be
Bestowed
Upon the weak
Faith
Is best owed
To the one
Who speaks
"Let There Be Light"
And brightens
The darkness
Of life

I
Will take the pain
Of a thousand deaths
Take a thousand steps
With the wieght
Of the world on my shoulders
As I pass away
For my best freinds sins
As he watches me
Silently
Violently whipped
As blood drips
On a red shirt
Tye dyed
From the wine I sipped
The night before

I died

I walk around everyday lost in the past, like reading a ******* history book trying to learn of people from the past. I can never understand how other people think. No matter how hard you try and find the solutions for other peoples problems and honesty and sinceraly want to help them. Whether it is for love, money, friendship, or simply wanting to do the right thing. And even when we do our very best to help and get hurt in the process, for some reason we always come back for more as if the pain inside of us is blinded by the new distraction of you will. I call it that because 9 times out of 10 it seems that the people you are trying to help act as if they want it but then run when it is given. We jump blindly of cliffs to our own doom. We do it so ******* willingly that it becomes second nature.We do our best to protect those we care about or want to care about and the world has a way of saying go **** yourself. And when we take that plunge we hit the ground landing on jagged rocks fragementing into a million pieces. And as time goes on our minds and hearts pick up whats left and piece back together into what we lie to ourselves and call a new and better person. But it is exactly that, we are not a new or better person we are just more learned on the fact that not everything in life is free and the very sad fact that you will cry by yourself far more times than you will laugh with the one you care about. You will learn that there is no perfect relationship, there is no such thing as a soul mate. These are fantasies and dreams we make in our minds so that we can have some glimmer of hope that not everything is lost. That not everything we do in our lives will bring pain and confusion to our lives. So again we decive oursleves. Nothing ever good happens to its too late. We make a million mistakes in the process of trying to do one good thing. Those odds are proven time and time again. And it is not until a friend lays out our  mistakes and can sympathize with them do we realize how stupid we have been and like a collision of truth slams into us and wrecks our whole ****** day. Draining us of our last drop of blood, pulling that last fragment of care from our hearts which is already in a million pieces on the floor as the world walks on past crushing the fragments beneath the wieght of the past and it becomes harder and harder to ever believe that anything will get better with time, people never change, they are what they are, and no matter how much you may be willing to change for them...the sad truth is you will never change, and they will never accept you if you do.

my mind has turned against me
images of being tortured
bounce like a red hot molecule inside my skull

"you deserve this"
"you're worthless"

they scream in my ear
its like a non stop 747 flying by my head
but today was different

i grabbed the thoughts by the throat
and pressed them against the wall

with my eyes burning with righteous anger
i throw them to the ground

i press my boot against its throat
and press with all my wieght

they begin to choak
gasping for air
they utter a single phrase
"please have mercy on me"

you didn't have mercy on me
you didn't give me an ounce of joy
you didn't allow me to get out of bed

so no
i will not have mercy on you
i will end your miserable existence

in the trunk
and down the street
i throw you in a ditch

shovel to the head (1)
i bury you far away from me

i'm not stupid though
i know you'll come back

but this time i'm prepared
if you come on my doorstep again
i will not be held accountable for my actions

For Once.
The pain is gone.
The heart ache is over.
My belonging is back.
I hurt, but not so bad anymore...
The wieght has been lifted and removed,
    from this immortal soul.
I have done right by me...(For Once!)
10/03/96/
redone /11/16/09/ac

there's nothing I can choose
nothing to lose
lose wieght as such was never really one
of my great pleasures

i measure life with coffeespoons
and moons reside in greater circuits as yet discovered
by man kind

so blind so blind my love
i see you here and feel you
and this is all i care about

over
and out.

Allison Kimmey had said that Nobody is fat. We all have it. Some just a bit more than others.

But me. I have too much. Im tired of looking in the mirror trying to convince myself that I am beautiful. How can I just stand there and lie to myself while I'm terrified of my reflection.

Pictures. Doesn't everybody have some. My pictures are aweful. They deserve to be thrown in the firey pitts of dispair.
Dispair. I have so much. It fills my body to the brim and flows out by my feet. Filling the room slowly as I drown in my own saddness.

Self esteem. Everybody has it. Except me. My self esteem has plumitted to its grave so long ago. When those pretty girls called me ugly. When that cool boy called me fat. Everytime I had to look at the size tag on my shirt and it read extralarge. Because I'm just and extralarge girl arnt I.

And just because I have accepted I'm fat doesnt mean it still doeasnt hurt. Just as a man who has accepted he will die still feels that cold running through his veins as if frost were replacing the blood that was spilling out on the pavement.

Every heavy step I make gives a thud sound reminding me of my wieght. Reminding me of the truth.

Hearts. Mine is sick. My heart bears too much. Now let's forget about the heart conditions it holds for a second. And look a bit deeper. Past the scars it holds from judgment too. Past the open wounds from everytime I've lied to myself. Everytime my friends lied to me. Let's go into the deepest darkest place in my heart. The core. Where it's the pride there. You know. The only thing keeping my heart beating. The pride in myself. Though very little, I still have just a bit left.

It tells me to cut. Because only the weak give up. Only the weak die. And I am not weak. I am fat, I am ugly, I am hurt. But I am not weak. Therefore I live. Maybe not the way people want me to. Maybe the scars on my leg and wrist are as ugly as me. But that's okay. Because I'm still alive.

The dispair I'm drowning in is still there, but I found an air bubble of hope. And it won't last me long. I know that. But I have the hope now. Just because of my pride telling me I am not weak. And that is why I live.

But then, the deppression that I thought I had deafeted saw me. And it said that it was never gone. It was always there. And it reminded me that I don't know how to be happy. I've been this way my whole life. It tells me that I don't know how to smile on my own. I fake a smile whenever I know I'm supposed to be happy. When I'm supposed to laugh. I hide behind the mask I made. Because I am afraid. I don't know how to smile. How to laugh. I have to fake it all and it kills me on the inside.

What is happiness. I wouldn't know. Because I am taking my last breath before I'm lost in my dispaire again. The hope is gone and my pride is crushed. What is left to keep my heart beating now?

Lies. The lies I tell myself everytime I have to look at that disgusting thing in the mirror. This is my lie.

"No one is fat. They just have fat. Some more than others."

This is how I'm dead. All emotion drained once again. It floated away as I sank deeper into my dispaire.

THE WAVY DELICATE VINE          
  CLUTCHING  FOR SUPPORT...
SWINGS THEE  WITH THE BREEZE  
             IN AN INTIMATE RAPPORT...

BOWS  DOWN  WITH THY OWN  WIEGHT
                 FROM THAT POINT  SO HIGH ....
OH  HAVE  I  ......BLOSSOMED YE FINALLY SAY
                  WITH A CONTENDED  SIGH............

take
a piece of knowledge in your palm
you will surely feel its heavy wieght!

I can’t tell you how much it hurts
When it starts and it doesn’t stop
It’s gonna **** me
I’m in a cell and this game is hell
Girl with you I can’t tell
It’s a stand still
This wieght you’re putting on me is heavier than anvil
I want to just cancel
All of our plans I’m mad still
When you do this
I confuse us
With the true us
But it’s delirious
I need to slow down take this serious
And finally ask the question
Am I just begging for your attention
Or do you feel the tension
The push the pull
It’ll roll you away
Like a peaceful melody
I guess I finally got to say what I wanted
Let’s just see how she responded



We used to talk in the dark
We used to be not apart
But we fell away
You were the one that got away
I come to think of this everyday
I hate when it be this way
Girl can’t you see the way
There’s a Path back to me
Back to us
Back to when we once was
I hunt the feeling of your memory everyday just to see you again momentarily

Sometimes my heart
Feels so cold
Like a piece of metal that has been left in the snow
Sometimes my heart feels so heavy
Like a five hunded pound wieght
Sometimes my heart feels so tired
Like a teen sitting in a boring class for an hour
All the time my heart feels out of place
Like a giraffe left in the ocean

I’m not sure if I can do this
If I can make it through the days

If I can hold onto the small string
From the tough rope

My grasp is loosening
My mind is unraveling
My heart is racing

I’m not cut out for this

I’ve tried my hardest
I promise
But I’ve come to the end

I can’t keep struggling
With this smile
Slapped across my face

Making it seem like I’m okay

But I’m a walking skeleton
I’m losing wieght
I’m tired
All the time

I don’t want to be around
Or talk
To anyone

No one can fix this.

I’ve gotten myself in too deep
And I can’t force myself out
It’s a neverending pit

I think I might die here
With a bottle in my right hand
And a cell phone in the left

911 punched in
As the pills sing me to sleep

-e.w.

Under the wieght
                            Of your sins
                                     I am crushed
                                                 I do groan

                                       O God
                            Make them sensible
                            Or I will keep crying

Satisfaction never quite so painful
as after I looked to you.

For satisfaction never seemed so evil
until you told me what to do.

Intravenously Intertwined,
You just couldn't let me lose my mind.

You could have left me.
If I went to sleep I would have died.
To think i was just resting my eyes.

So tired,
pain brings no rest.  
So wired,
helps me deal with it.

No trust I had none to give.

Collecting my tears in a cup,

collecting will to live.

But it evaportated just as easy as them.

and the drug devoured me limb by limb.
Stale and crunchy Past my date.
Bleeding from the core turning to hate.
Losing myself once more, now who is to create.

The face in the mirror could not be me.
Sunk in and tired, is this the fee?
I'm to used to being waund.  
I dont want her around,
Two me, Two me,
One of me I can not see.
And left for you to choose
which one of me will loose.
I'm still tired, I'm still wore.
My veins, are still, very very sore.
I'm so fragile to delicate to survive
So for just right now I need you to keep me alive.


I dont mind your wieght on my shoulders,
just dont let me get any colder.

Feel the wieght of all the worry
A hundred fold if on your own
Emptiness builds in a sick flurry

To share boldly with God your
Deepest wants and angst
Hope become your reservoir

Hence is it as limitlessly
Complicated and sublimely
Simple as the Mystery of
Faith demonstrates

Word of the 'SSSSS'
Austere as yeast in formidable winter snow,
tosssed from sssunken cobbled English shack, struts
       tied by ample legged wires to housess of bare boness
            and break neck...  fairytalessss ...
"void are the prohibitssss now" said the sssanake
   and full crucible of wieght dashes  splinters of
leads and copper wispsss that only the dark can sssseee
and knows the laws of the takesssss
          Scythes dances and ssysstemss  a xylophone void
                               introverted frail call to step by sstep by
                                                        ssstep pounding ssstep!
         The feeble minded prey acquires my touch feel
      and wanton disgracesessss "I shall **** yee sss my
little unchained peachy mutton chop!" though jabs
saliva ringing the ground bury blood before
and after such was known, so ssory..
the simple Sandra D didn't
       know to walk by my tree and
        the night of the sssnake!
     And Eve took the first bite of the apple but ultimately
         what was learned?... A vat turning vapid or strains of
                Demonthankyig ancient webs spun silken worm
                     negligees no easier than supple thoughts betray
                            they burn and singe the fire is a coy thunderous
     lightening strike on the weaning little break in the toes
of light that step foot here... "ahhh that's better" said I
the snake no more lisp in my words?! but the constricts
      uh.. uhh.. constructs of my mind are
         still absurdsssss... hmm...
      "astress astresses.. no *****!the assertions!"...
    ...so easily so aesthetically theres she... is austere
with no simple selecting for the stake, for sake of sectioning  ssscertain.. Aus! So once holy
thunder beguiled thee, the intrepid
self now begotten by florid visions
of the dire, meal left on the
     pantry the continental shelf
        grown of breezzy sss and
            wave ssss and land ssss
                and'I'mssss able as
                 transcendentalist
                        sincerity.
       So it shall be this beauty did not pass but fed me!
                  And the equivalence of higher learning didst
                    so take the fire from the girth of mirth revived by
                     the thought I might be a flight of fancy of wits rather
                  than feckless for and feather brained for no reason but
                 to feed on the eventuality that governs all nature
          respectively...  survival of the ssssneakiesst... so you see
    were it not for the bit of you dear humans
         in me then the sworn enemy of the eternal
            staunch stalwart support haven of godly lifestyle
                might soon catapult its way down in a spiral of death
                     almost as if a mating eagle had found fortune and
                       purpose in it and off with thought and reverie so
                            soon as Satan had spoken a word! See how
                                  important thisss meal
                                         isss to me?!

Austere as yeast in formidable winter snow,
tosssed from sssunken cobbled English shack, struts
       tied by ample legged wires to housess of bare boness
            and break neck...  fairytalessss ...
"void are the prohibitssss now" said the sssanake
   and full crucible of wieght dashes  splinters of
leads and copper wispsss that only the dark can sssseee
and knows the laws of the takesssss
          Scythes dances and ssysstemss  a xylophone void
                               introverted frail call to step by sstep by
                                                        ssstep pounding ssstep!
         The feeble minded prey acquires my touch feel
      and wanton disgracesessss "I shall **** yee sss my
little unchained peachy mutton chop!" though jabs
saliva ringing the ground bury blood before
and after such was known, so ssory..
the simple Sandra D didn't
       know to walk by my tree and
        the night of the sssnake!
     And Eve took the first bite of the apple but ultimately
         what was learned?... A vat turning vapid or strains of
                Demonthankyig ancient webs spun silken worm
                     negligees no easier than supple thoughts betray
                            they burn and singe the fire is a coy thunderous
     lightening strike on the weaning little break in the toes
of light that step foot here... "ahhh that's better" said I
the snake no more lisp in my words?! but the constricts
      uh.. uhh.. constructs of my mind are
         still absurdsssss... hmm...
      "astress astresses.. no *****!the assertions!"...
    ...so easily so aesthetically theres she... is austere
with no simple selecting for the stake, for sake of sectioning  ssscertain.. Aus! So once holy
thunder beguiled thee, the intrepid
self now begotten by florid visions
of the dire, meal left on the
     pantry the continental shelf
        grown of breezzy sss and
            wave ssss and land ssss
                and'I'mssss able as
                 transcendentalist
                        sincerity.
       So it shall be this beauty did not pass but fed me!
                  And the equivalence of higher learning didst
                    so take the fire from the girth of mirth revived by
                     the thought I might be a flight of fancy of wits rather
                  than feckless for and feather brained for no reason but
                 to feed on the eventuality that governs all nature
          respectively...  survival of the ssssneakiesst... so you see
    were it not for the bit of you dear humans
         in me then the sworn enemy of the eternal
            staunch stalwart support haven of godly lifestyle
                might soon catapult its way down in a spiral of death
                     almost as if a mating eagle had found fortune and
                       purpose in it and off with thought and reverie so
                            soon as Satan had spoken a word! See how
                                  important thisss meal
                                         isss to me?!

i was only 12 when i started wearing makeup, i was only 12 when i started sh, i was only 12 when i was sucidal,i was only 12 when i lost my dad,i was only 12 when i cared abt how i looked, i was only 12 when i changed, i was only 12 when i started vaping, i was only 12 when i lost myself, i was only 12 when i started straightening my hair, i was only 12 when i cared about my wieght, i was only 12 when i started wearing relvaeling clothes, i was only 12. 12 years old and wanting to end it. 12. i was 12 when i was gone.