She said she couldn't describe how she felt.
Maybe it was like having stomachaches in the Panera bathroom
or ******* about the erred logistics in the directions  
or the echo of my *** on the toilet bowl.
It was probably more like asking a friend to explain the meaning of the phrase "social constructs."
It was more like that.

I fell asleep
To the smell of antiseptic,
Sterilizer, biogesic,
And the cold touch of metal
Rods that only seem
To grow colder
With the touch of hospital
Left in the student's
Ward - a whistle

Permeates the silence
Of seniors
Painlessly sleeping away
Hours upon
Hours until graduation -
A coming of age -
An escapism from past papers
And teachers who have
Themselves given up
On them.

And the lights you
See are as bright
And as empty as those blinking
Feebly
In that of the school doctor's
Office, one not really
Blinking more of
Washed, and supported
Wobbling by daylight
Seeping in through peeling blinds,
Unable to see too much -
The headaches and stomachaches
Have rendered him numb
To the feeling.

And lunch comes
And out blows the whistle to
Signify the end
Of playtime for
The young ones, start
Of playtime for
The older ones,

Whistle blowing muffled
By the septic tank glass
Doors of this sacred outhouse,
Wards muffling the cries of children
As they flee the quadrangle,
Once mad, twice elated,
Still innocent, untired,
Not needing to fake sick
And rest their heads softly

Upon thin soft beds with
Towels wrapped haphazardly
Behind their backs,
Nostalgia, it was

Laughter, I swear it was louder
When we used to run,
When our eyes lit up like
The sun petering in through
The doctor's orifices,

When our bruises and bumps
Smelled like betadine,
Not sleep
And cups of sterile water downed
To mask the scent of
Fake cough syrup,
And cuts gotten from fiddled syringes,
Bruised ankles
Bent over undersized beds,

And not running over
Uneven pavement,
Ankles brushing tablecloth,
Schoolbag,
Basketball and frisbee,

And the screaming.

Oh, how I miss
The screaming.

curled up compact
as shockwaves of pain
twist daggers up my sides
doubling over metallic tang
as i coughed up rust
breaking, breaking

coiled within and writhing
as the shock slithers into aches
breaking apart in sulphurous acid
tearing holes in my viscera
as i'm blistered and vitriolic
hurting, hurting

contorted inhumanely
as the irascible aftershocks
flowed magma on my insides
burning me internally
as i waited for it to be over
dying, dying.

Really? Thanks for being there
even when I
cannot cling to you, even when I
am nowhere,
alone while having stomachaches
and trying to claim a heart
attack.

The thought of a cutter
making a hole
on my throat
is better
than you kissing me on the lips.

I tried to binge eat and forget
what you told
me to forget,
because I cannot
cut, I cannot lose any
more blood; I
don't think I
have enough.

Really? I kept you awake;
I keep you awake,
or asleep with tons of nightmares,
every single night even
when I
am gone, completely
gone.

I feel like Billie is HEAVILY inspired by MCR and Frank Iero.
Examples:

Stomachaches = Album by Frank Iero
Bellyache = Song by Billie Eilish

"I'm Not Okay" = Lyrics/Song by MCR
"I'm not okay" = Lyrics from the song 'Listen Before I Go' by Billie Eilish

"I'm Okay" = Lyrics from the song 'I'm Not Okay' by MCR
"I'm Okay" = Lyrics from 'You Should See Me In A Crown' by Billie Eilish

Six Feet Down Under = Song by Frank Iero
Six Feet Under = Song by Billie Eilish

Don't you think so too?

i am drowning
another blank face
unrecognized and vacant
passing in the hall
in the empty eyes

bleeding out sleep
stress headaches
dehydration cramps
anxiety stomachaches
keeping me awake
through invisible sores

the teachers eyes
indifferent and glazed
too tired to care
why are we so tired
cut me through and through

Is love patient?
Is love kind?
Is love stomachaches and butterflies?
Is love worth it?
All I know is love is complicated
It can amaze you
It can break you
It can take you to places you never knew
It can make you realize what's really true
Love is love
Something once discovered
But never understood

My body is covered with tattoos

I made them with thoughts, ones I created with memories, ones that are considered permanent but bit by bit I manage to take them off. Ones that changed colors by the season I'm in. My body is covered with tattoos as well as scars. I managed to let go of the ones that wanted to take off, and ones that infected my being. Healing wasn't a pleasant place. I tell myself enough, but I couldnt help myself. ''Maybe this time, this one won't have to go.'' But I seal my scars with another one, and another, and another, and another, until my skin screamed, until my skin felt nothing.


I got bruises for not feeling

I am supposed to be happy. There are many reasons to be. But I guess I can never be satisfied and id still want more, even though I do not entirely know what I want. My heart feels so empty, that I hear the sound of my own heartbeat in the hollowness of its chambers. I grasp for air everytime because I feel my throat closing in. I'd get stomachaches and would want to ***** out everything that I am. Because I hate everything that I am, was, and became. Serenity is played in shows, movies and music, in people at the streets, walking alone but not feeling lonely, in colors, in everything that I can only watch but never touch and never become.


Imagine me having a heartbreak every single day I see you.

You walked past me looking at my eyes but never in too deep. My feelings are buried deep down, where I can't even dig. You are the love I never intend to have and the love I have always wanted. You took me to a whole new reality but left me there. I was screaming your name everytime my heart and body start to shake. You caused me all this pain but you were always innocent. I mistook your glances for longing, I was the one longing.


We take words and make it as romantic as it sounds

We put love in every bit of context or in some cases we force out love to take part of our whole being. That's how we live, survive and die. We write songs about the sky or the moon or the sun and make it seem like they are infatuated with the clouds. We make the wind sound like the humming of a broken hearted lover waiting to be salvaged by the knight. There was always a knight, who comes and saves us. Take us out of the black and white world we created for ourselves. We make this up for our loses. For our victories. For the ones that broke us. For the ones that mold us back. For ourselves.

Today you are going to pick up your only winter jacket from Hers. On the train you are shaking. You pick up a large bottle of Zinfandel at the liquor store down her street and spend $10 that you don’t really have. You walk up to her street. Four boys and an older woman (mother, landlord?) crowd a portion of the sidewalk. You brush past on the gravel, almost slipping. A form that strongly resembles hers is in the driveway; your heart threatens to leave your chest. This walk is eerily familiar to you. Music is crowding your thoughts and you slip out of your headphones, unsteadily approaching the porch. You sit. She is moving her car so her roommate can go out. You don’t know what to do.

She says “what’s up” like you’ve seen her do to people she doesn’t know very well but wants to flirt with and her eyes betray no warm recognition like they used to. She asks if you should come in?  

I just picked up liquor, I can share it with you if you want to have a drink, you say. There’s no way that your nerves are going to steady themselves on their own.

I don’t know, we’ll see. Cross the threshold. Door closes behind you. You are trapped now. You knew this would happen. You want to go upstairs, up to her room, climb the familiar steps and strip naked, settle in your niche in the bed like you’ve always done...

Bookcase isn’t where it used to be. Curtains are different, or new. Couch is ratty as ever. You remember the nights you used to spend making food in her kitchen, nursing her stomachaches on the couch watching ****** TV and laughing in each other’s eyes during the commercials. Breaking each other’s molds and melting away from the rest of the world.

Did she fix the window from where that guy tried to break in last semester?
No. The curtains are just new.
Oh, nice.
Drink?
Definitely.

You’re handed a pumpkin-flavored hard cider and this relaxes you a little, because you’ve always felt cooler than you actually are when you’ve got a bottle to gesticulate with while you’re talking to someone. It’s really just a mask for social anxiety, a cute 8oz bottle of conversation lubricant. Apply as needed. Consult a doctor for intense pain lasting more than four hours.

You two try and talk. She asks why. You can’t speak. After a few minutes of holding up, you fold, crumple.

Hoarse, tense. Your throat is burning and she isn’t doing anything as your knuckles around your knees wrench up your jeans and turn white telling her about how Heather died and how Chickee is in the hospital and just had a seizure from the meds they were using to keep her from dying of pneumonia and now she’s lost whatever precious vestiges of memory were left and remembers nothing at all and you’ve been fighting daily to keep your mind from running away from you, doing this all on top of work and courses is stringing you out so thin can’t she see that you just wanted you to have time to take care of yourself holy **** -

I know you hate me now I know and I’m never going to escape the hurt I caused you because it feels to you that I just left but I didn’t ever want to leave it just had to happen

We see relationships from two different vantage points
((Did she **** her neighbor))
Why are you on a dating site

It’s a tool you’re using to force yourself back into social interactions but it's also a necessary evil. There aren’t too many queer women to find anywhere but the internet anyway, they’re all in hiding during the day in a batcave or something -

Why did you leave me
You never thought it’d get like this
Coward

Leaving after you tell her to ******* because she asks you to, walking out with my things onto the porch and a cigarette in your mouth desperate to inhale something that’s toxic as if the carcinogens will take effect right there and you’ll drop dead of all kinds of diseases in the middle of her walkway

She comes outside with letter keep this read it you’re not going to like it but it’s all I’ve got for you and it’s what I’ve wanted to say
You don’t want it, you say, you don’t need this cancer sitting on your desk and silently invading your life
******* take it
You stand in the street reading the letter and it’s all about how she thinks you’re some heinous ******* who just left her and took the easy way out when things got difficult.

Maybe you did, you’re a nihilist, you don’t think there’s a point to anything and you do like things when they’re easy for you, it hurts less that way- but doesn’t everybody?

People who say they’re saints are lying to themselves.

There's dirt on me
The bruises you left on me
Will not come off
The cocoa you made
Somehow always tasted different
how did your mum run out of sleeping pills
Much did I know
That **** ended up in my cup
The stinging headaches
Presistant stomachaches for weeks
My hairline hurts
There are black bruises on you
even while high as a *******,
I still fought back
Your fingerprints in blue of my throat
Never blue enough to really notice anything wrong
Insomnia when you weren't there
it's three AM again
The images flash by
Calmly I observe the memories
While my body shuts down
Coldsweat, nothing's real
I know what's happening to me
A new wave of recollections
Of the sickest kind
The tears run down
If only I knew why
Where did the blood come from
There's a cut in my skin
That wasn't there yesterday
Get the scent of ****** off my hair
The ***** off your sheets
Calmly you ignored my amazement
Knowing I remembered nothing
Of what you did to me last night.

I experience immobilizing aches throughout my life
I experience headaches
That make me not want to think
I experience stomachaches
That make me not want to move
I experience heartaches
That make me not want to feel
All of these aches steer me away from living my life
And the only aspirin is living that fleeting life as I veer off course

I draw blood and let it pool in my hand so I can fingerprint my autograph on the declaration.

As John Hancock, so shall I.

They've tried for years to express themselves and as the art has shown, they've only caught a few over the decades.

Voices dying on the wind, written off by the time and the population had named them "weird art"

The freak show is in town tonight and again they try, for every body felled by the wayside there's one right behind to pick up the torch and reignite the flames.

Bullet proof prophets made of theory and ideas driving trains of thought off the track so they can crash into your homes and lives.

Train wreck train wreck.

Where there's smoke there's a wildfire heart burning with passion holding a match to a powder keg.

Suicide by design, killing ourselves for relatability.

We're sick so suicide missionaries we stand side by side.
Fighting off the chains of restrictive thought and walls built by a society of the lying, cheating, scared population who would hang free thinkers as witches, on trial just as some words have been banned.

Everyone is a critic and so we can't speak freely, free speech has become hate speech.

Context be ******.

The dying breed sit behind the fence and starve as we're picked off by the carrion thought eaters and those who run are arrested by the thought police.

Can't say this, can't think that. Careful not to offend.

Everyone wants to say everything but no one wants to feel offended, gotta play it safe because we're so fragile we're of glass.

Everything gives a disease because no one gets ***** anymore in case we catch something, we've killed our anti bodies and our systems aren't so immune anymore, thank god we've got the pills to help boost whatever we need.

Poppin pills like pez out of dispensers that take notes, bills, ***, headaches, stomachaches, spells of dizziness, dry mouth, restless leg syndrome, homicidal thoughts, suicidal thoughts, being too hungry, not being hungry enough, back pain, hand pain, toothache, and a million other issues that probably could be solved with a little bit of effort but nope, pills and an arm and a leg Dr. bill are the cure.

Paying way too much attention to celebrities while everything burns. Then when the fire reaches you it's time to worry.
You're just the newest sapling in the fire that's swallowed by the flames of drama, gossip and *******.

A million dead artists their bodies all point to the way, the treasure of art, soul and comedy, tragedy, drama, political and social commentary- all with points to make, yet YOU don't like what they had to say, so you censor the words you don't like, you twist the meaning to fit your offense then crucify the speaker and "expose" them for all they are.

**** that.

People cuss, people hate other people, people say words and think thoughts you may not like, they may have different ideas, they may write or song or act in ways you don't approve.

Deal with it.

The world still spins, you still grow and go on, there are important matters to attend to if you could just pull your head out of your *** for two seconds.

No matter how much you try to clean up the act, the dirt under still remains. The world is not some clean, pristine, air tight seal where you will get your way, don't like what's on tv? Change the channel, don't like what's in the book? Don't read it.

Don't like the song, the food, the people, the color of their skin, the way they talk, the politics- left or right. Then walk away.

It's their world too and you have to share it.

Sit down, strap in and deal.

With the arrows
of betrayal
piercing my back,
i still care about you.
With my brokenness,
my heart still
desires your presence.
With the stomachaches
and intense body pains,
i struggled and
wriggled through
the mountains and
across the sea
to get to you.
With what seems
like an impossible fit,
i surmounted the
challenges with
painstaking effort
and harrowing fatigue
just to bring relief
to ease your pain.
Love is the
strength that pushed
and propelled me.
Without it,
my frail and
tired body will
collapsed.
Love is the
unexpected east wind
that blows through
the cracks from
the unknown of
your darkness to
bring you into
the glorious place of rest,
to make even
your enemies be
at peace with you.
It is the
reason of your rising.
It unlocks and
unleashes favour to
override stagnation.
Unblocks unnecessary
circumstances to
give way and
strike out
your brokenness.
It draws the
attention of  
destiny helpers and
divine enablement to
bear on your situation
and circumstances.
It brings fruition
to your struggles
to establish your endeavors.
©2019,Emeka Mokeme.

don't be like me.

a weak person.

unable to swallow abuse, unable to say to a person who is ignoring me that it's okay.

unable to say no.

don't be like me, anxiety filled and emotional to the point of missing work due to stomachaches and headaches.

constantly being yelled at for harmless mistakes and belittled for shortcomings.

don't be like me, a weak sad person who wants to be stronger but can only cry and hide in her room.

don't be like me.

The smell of a cheap, sweet cigar mixed with the subtle staleness of his day-old Axe

The familiar comfort of being around him met with this unexplainable underlying fear

Unpredictably exciting,
Repetitively terrifying

My intuition, long ignored;
My heart, dreaming, unable to bear the reality of this ongoing nightmare

Pleading with him not to leave,
Just a few more minutes, please

The sternness of his voice,
My cue to silence

“goodb-“ cut off as he closes the passenger door, angrily at my “never-ending defiance”

He walks away, but then looks back;
nothing more to it than that

Stomachaches and fever dreams,
Memories that never flee

Years may pass,
But the heartache stays

It’s always those we wish to forget the most who never seem to fade away

you couldn't hold my hand
making plans
we will never watch the horror movie

I don't even know who you are
I reached the end

the butterflies
only give me
stomachaches

I keep you locked inside
don't try and crawl out
I hate it when you're loud

walking across my mind
why don't you walk out
following days
too much rain

there was no one
but you

love can turn someone so cruel
I become a big fool