I had a dream that there was promise in the future
That my days dug in a hole, so deep,
That I never saw the sun rise – were a fading nightmare.
But my nightly sweats and twisted sheets
When the sun arose, planted seeds of fear in my psyche.
That fleet-footed knight mares rode across starscapes
Pulling shades and twisting
Warm fantasy
Into hallucinations of other me’s
Dying a thousand different ways.
I had a dream that the demons in my mind,
Results from God’s imablanced alchemic formula that made my brain,
Declared a war on my central nervous system,
That I fought in with breath, and blood, and tears, and sweat
(Eyes scrunched shut, and hands over my ears)
That was eventually termed O.C.D.
And I sit in offices and wait for elaborate flourished script,
That I exchange for the antidote,
For the depression flowing through my veins.
Eventually sitting awake,
Waiting for a song to soothe my tired eyes,
To touch some part of me that I can’t reach on my skin,
And send me off to sleep.
And I am tired –
Tired of the night wars
Waged in between starscapes
And daydream streams.
I’m tired of feeling weak,
When I’ve stood vigilant against
The death cries of a thousand other me’s.
I’m weary of feeling empty,
And afraid of my inability to close
This sadness wellspring,
Would lead me to see the backs of those I love,
Leave me, on parting words and ashen bridges – falling down.
(And if God has ever blessed me with anything,
It is how many incredible people,
Care about insignificant me.)
I had a dream that I was finally free,
Of shackles and bounds and fetters,
That tethered me to ol’ seductive Melancholy,
Warm tears flowing from my eyes,
As I embraced smiling friends, knowing that I
No longer needed to vent, or share the weight,
Or had the desire to die.
But I hear whispers in my ears,
Cold fingers gnawing at my rib cage,
Telling me my life isn’t worth anything.
And punching my gut to toughen me up,
Is outdated, deep seated Masculinity,
Shouting at me that I’m not a man,
Unless I’m wrapped in sheepskin or wearing fatigues.
And that every little slip of a word to the contrary,
Of the face I put on when I’m at my worst,
Is a weakness I must **** and shoulder my weight,
Alone.
I had a dream
That a miracle man could crack open my head
And sort out all the pieces that didn’t fit
And study all the places where my wires had been
Haphazardly ******* in wrong.
And I begged for the miracle surgery,
To alleviate this darkling stain,
But what’s frightening is – I can barely imagine myself without it.
I once looked at myself in the mirror, and wondered if it was better on the other side
While I practiced my lie of  “I feel fine”, code for standing on the precipice
Of suicidal decline.
When really, it was just for me.
Is a lie a lie if you believe it? Because that’s why I say it on repeat.
I once had a dream that I was loved,
And that’s the one I try to forget.
As I hold a candle close to my eyes,
My last daily reminder of
Still-living hopes light,
Before I risk a night of sleep.

Let's all run
feet bare on rocks
hot from the sun

down to the river valley
rich and wet with green-leaf light
dust-red hovering

Let us sing the water
into reversal
up the mountain
and follow it there

Let us sit and sigh
the sky permitting
lit up like open starscapes

The two lockets chained to a single chest
Represent love in a world so somber
Two candles flicker brightly, unsuppressed
Standing in pillars amongst the umber

Companionship that lasted for ages
Despite the hard blowing winds, it conquered
They kindled the inner flame that rages
Formed the friendship of two stars that wandered

When these droplets of rain flourished beneath
The flickering came to a bitter end
The thin smoke that rose to the galaxy
Flying amongst the starscapes it was sent

As I stood with both candles in my hand
After time passed and had ceased my wailing
As rekindled candles flickered in deft

And when they asked me "What about your friend?"
I closed my eyes and looked up whilst smiling



**                                           *"He's there, at the second star to the left"

The alcohol  tickles like a feather duster
my brains implode as my lungs shudder
what's dead is dead, a corpse cannot rise
alas I have not yet become everything i ever despised

my nightmares are as common as my dreams
happiness is decaying, it seems
I look at my broken face in my shattered mirror
when the void opens, only despair is the winner

my sky was blue, my sun was bright
my fond memories are fading from my sight
like an astronaut roving the starscapes beyond
constantly I'm thinking are my decisions right

or are they wrong?

the lies explode like flak around me
I've seen so much horror i can barely see
but through it all
my past
my torment
scenes ghastly and abhorrent

I look from a window inside my mind
a place when things are critical i hide
like a star shining in the moonlight glare
I touch my heart

and feel that i still care.

they're colliding —
coming together and dancing,
breathing with one another

their bodies, magnetic —
orbiting slower than photons
perceive us to be moving

— at the infinite speed of love —
spiraling into one another:

an interaction as primal
as celestial bodies taking shape —

...amorphous shimmers of light
frolicking on the surface of a happy lake
rippling in sync with its intentions...

From these throats come
undulating warmth, as misty as
the sighs of trees in the brisk morning —

wisps of transparent cotton,
lilting in the breeze —

motions uncurling into actuality

thoughts unfurling on the forest floor

...a fern reaches for a piece of the sky
dripping from the branches above —

tendrils of starscapes opening
as a book read by the wind...

a trillion crystal orbs —
suspended off the ground,
aglow with golden sunlight:

the presence welcome

Poetry Grafted Onto Starlit Bodies

Focused moments,
hot breath tickling
receptive ears.

Whispered words swirl
into cascading souls.

Eyes meet,
gazes held for long
luxurious moments.

2. Daring To Unveil Their Cauldron Of Selves

Starscapes scintillate
as they fall back
into the cosmos
together.

Each tick of the clock
thoroughly elucidated,
boy quantum entangled for eternity
with the girl who is also a tree.

Cosmic bonds of entropy shattered,
never alighting from the cerulean blue sky.

Streaking sunbeams,
marauding moonlight,
mythical monuments carved into the shape of a kiss.

3. A Song On The Galactic Radio Waves (Tuning In To Love Oblivion)

Wasn’t there a time when you told yourself:
nothing’s gonna stop us or break us apart?

Isn’t there a dream you’re holding deep inside (so deep inside)?
Well you’d better let it out before it burns you alive, burns you alive.

For I am so much more
when I have you here in my heart.

And how can I feel any pain
when your healing words
always brings me back again,
again and again?

Jumpstart the engines of this cosmic machine,
we’re leaving for the stars tonight.

Grab onto my hand
like you’re playing that guitar.

Tune in to my wavelength,
and sing like your heart’s on fire,
like your heart’s on fire.

For today there’s one less tomorrow baby,
but still we go higher,
still we go higher.

4. Postscript (Welcome Home)

Tasting plush lips,
skin knowing skin,

hands speaking
in the language of hands.

Two hearts,
beating as one.

Two hearts,
beating as one.

And,
after a lifetime

of hit and miss,
hit and miss,

the cosmos
is finally:

smiling down
upon us.